What better time to expose your noses to pollen in the air? And what better way than at Franklin's.... To be honest, we don't know what this is called..... Stop by Franklin's fountain park to enjoy an array of countless pollenated allergy inducers. Allergic to nothing? Stop on by and get sneezed on by those who are! It's the annual.... We still don't know what this is called....

Sunday marks the last day for the stage performance of Spamalot , a spoof of an already existing spoof — making it the theatrical equivalent of a hall of mirrors, but with more fake British accents and invisible horses. This is the last chance to see human horses holding coconuts arguing about shrubbery. After this, the performers go back to their day jobs and therapy. The final showing takes place Sunday at 2 PM. Late comers will be scolded by a French military man standing on the theater roof. Attempts to bypass security with a wooden bunny will result in the said bunny being launched at you in slapstick comical fashion. Injuries courtesy of Mr. Pardon My French. Experts are calling this the most accurate depiction of medieval culture Venango County has ever come up with. Think that's not saying much? Turns out it's more accurate than the history channel. Tickets can be purchased by following the directions in the snap shot below which we took using medieval cellular technology.... If you are reading this on May 5th, get a time machine.... So glad they didn't put a "T" between that "W-F". That would have been bad.... The "T" we're talking about stands for Thursday you foul mouthed cussers! Get a filter! For more information, don't call us. Call the Barrow instead!

It is a heated race between two iconic restaurants located on Liberty Street in downtown Franklin. The Smoke Cantina which until last week, specialized in knocking out tall journalists with a hanging plant and by hitting them with a purse (ask the restaurant owner for the context behind this inside joke), and Bella Cucina which specializes in looking like high class dining despite prices comparable to Pizza Hut. The two restaurants are neck and neck for claiming the title of best dining experience.... Them along with Trails to Ales, Benjamines, Leonardo's, Taco Inc Mexican Bar and Grille, The Franklin Club..... Pretty much every other dine in experience that isn't fast food......Only those restaurants havent given us free dine in so...... Smoke Cantina and Bella Cucina are without a doubt the best options for dine in experience. The only problem is that only one can hold the title of being the greatest in Franklin..... Yeah..... We aren't idiots...... We aren't going to risk being barred by either restuarant....... So just call it inconclusive! Any commenters choosing a side and risking us being barred will themselves be barred! That is crow barred right in the head!

A man is threatening to sue the local yoga class which meets in the Oil City YMCA Tuesday mornings. According to sources, Jim Nasium, a local fitness buff who prides himself for looking like a walking tumor, complained that the yoga class he attended is "not competitive in any way." The yoga instructor refused a refund stating that the competition is with the ability to control oneself. Nasium argues that he can control oneself as long as it involves doing something where he can outshine everyone else. No lawsuits have been filed as of late. Nasium says that he wasn't sure what to think of the class at first. He initially thought he "won the game" the moment he performed downward dog. When no one declared him the victor, he thought he might have accidentally signed up for a cult. He just wasn't sure why the guru wore leggings and a pair of Nike's. When it became clear that he was attending a gay pride social gathering, he left immediately. "I'm not going to judge those people for their preference" states Nasium "I just don't want to develop a lisp from too much exposure to the gene....." The yoga instructor was incredibly insulted by the remarks made by Nasium. She did not even know where to start. "Do you even know anything about yoga? Or gay people for that matter? What makes you think yoga makes us gay or that exposure to gay people gives you a lisp?" Nasium stepped back with both hands in the air to create distance. "Whoah whoah whaoh! I'm just looking out for myself.... My brother once did a plank and now has throw pillows in his house. Do you want me to wind up like him?" The Venango Republic feels we have successfully stirred the pot. Stay tuned for more distasteful content...

Ronald Forehead may have been spotted alive and well according to sources. A bingo event known to draw all 32 Titusville residents consisted of one more individual than usual. Forehead, who entered the Titusville Witness Protection Program last week after observing an 11 year old make off with another kids scooter, showed up in the exact same hat posing with the name "Not-Ronald Forehead." Locals were taken back at first when seeing the man who looked exactly like the one who entered the Titusville Witness Protection Program last week. "I almost cried" said Foreheads mother, who for some reason does not have a forehead. "I was worried I would never see him again until he showed up. Then, when this look alike showed up, I thought it could be my little Ronald." Unfortunately, Mrs. Forehead had to learn the truth that this was just a man who looked exactly the same as her son. Although disapointed, she was grateful to have a moment like she did feeling the joy of seeing her possibly diseased child. And yes, we meant to spell it that way. We don't know what he may have picked up during his time away! The look alike to Mr. Forehead was polite but made sure everyone was aware that he was not actually the guy they were thinking of. He also was very transparent that even the DNA he left behind could be an exact match because he accidentally rubbed up against Foreheads gravestone earlier. The entire town is disapointed but still welcomed the new face to their town. They played bingo and gave Not-Ronald Forehead a standing ovation for being such a sport during their moment of grief. When Not-Ronald Forehead left the facility, he drove off into the sunset and was burned to a crisp.

After much debate between members of the Venango County House of Representatives, a concensus has been reached to invade "that tiny clump of land up north" to help expand the county borders. Unfortunately, the man responsible for carrying out the declaration of war accidentally mistook the tiny county of Erie for Canada causing our impoverished region to now be at conflict with an entire country. In response to the unexpected declaration of war, Canada says they are preparing to take measures to defend themselves in case of an all out assault. Having never heard of Venango County, the nation of Canada has no idea they are defending against a population of people who can't even afford spitballs for their class pranks. Venango County says they intend on going through with the war believing that Canada must be no bigger than Erie itself. Mayor Blunders of Oil City says he was bad at geography, but if his calculations are correct, Canada is probably "that island right there....." He pointed to lake Michigan..... Not only is he bad at geography, he is color blind. With Cananda working on a transition between Prime Ministers, there is a lot of fear over the idea of going to war. According to Justin Trudeau "we have no idea how big this country is. Our experts cannot find it on the map and I never actually learned how to read." The stage is set for the poorest county in Western PA to go to war with America's most Northern Country. That is, until they figure out how insane this is!

A man is in critical condition at the ICUP hospital in Seneca after a book allegedly judged him too harshly. According to sources, William Knitwit, a man whose brain is made of interlocking looped yarn, was harshly called out by a book which opened its covers to reveal demeaning literature. "Knitwit was taking things too far" says Harry Dungbottle, Knitwits close friend and personal dung bottle. "He stood there looking down at the book judging it rudely. He got exactly what was coming to him." It was in that moment the book suddenly flipped open revealing text specifically about Knitwit. The text was so traumatizing, we have been advised only to show you this censored version of the book. Viewer discretion is advised..... Give me a bottle of blurbon....... Knitwit is currently in the psych ward as a result of reading this horrendous image. Some witnesses describe the event as a case of the book "reading Knitwit out loud in front of the whole library." Just the glossary is enough to show how powerful the book is as it lists Knitwits entire relationship history along with his insecurities and overdue bills.

A recent study from Venango Campus found that the light to a refrigerator may in fact turn off when you close the door. Results proved this was a possibility when it was discovered refrigerators have a switch that might be triggered to turn off the lights when the door is shut. Unfortunately, scientists were unable to confirm if the light did in fact turn off during the study. The door was closed and the researchers could not see inside to determine if this was in fact the result. While attempting to open the door to see if the light was off, the light kept coming on, preventing the researchers from determining if the light was in fact turning off during the closure of the fridge. To help reach a consensus, the researchers locked their intern inside the refridgerator hoping to get a full testimonial after a few hours. When the scientists returned to let the subject out of the refridgerator, they discovered they had killed him. The subject was donated to Clarion University for dissection. Venango Campus received a call from Clarion University later that day. At this point, the president is just pleading with the Campus not to inform him of anything stupid they may do. The University has given up trying to sell Venango Campus and just hopes that ones day the building will collapse from an experiment gone wrong. Venango Campus says more research is necessary to determine if the light is in fact changing as a result of the doors position. When asked why they don't just used a glass door, they replied "sure. It will work with a glass door. But what about when we put the solid door on again?"

In a moment where a father is typically speechless, Mayor Blunders left the doctors performing his wifes C-section without words. This came when in an attempt to cut the umbilical cord, he accidentally cut the power to the entire town. "I genuinley thought it was hers" states Mayor Blunders, who can't seem to tell the difference between his babies natural feeding tube and a standard power strip. It is quite unerving to find Oil City's power cord leads all the way up the the ICUP hospital in Seneca. The doctors working at the hospital had no explanation as to why a city more than 6 miles away was pulling from their power grid. According to Mayor Blunders, the City snuck a line to the hospital one midnight when no one was looking so the town could save on their electric bill. We were quite confused as to why Mayor Blunders felt like the city needed to steal power from a hospital all the way up in Cranberry. According to Mayor Blunders, they did this because the bridge lights drove their debt through the roof. "We were barely making it in 2016" states Mayor Blunders "then the Oil City Mainstreet Program installed those stupid lights causing our economy to tank." Look it up! It cost the city 88 thousand to put these in! Still not seeing any tourists! When asked why he doesn't just remove the lights from the bridge, Mayor Blunders stated that the lights "cover up the rust." We aren't quite sure how this helps with the other eyesores..... Other eyesores...... As for the child, the family left the hospital forgetting to cut the cord. It's been three weeks and the child is still being fed through his original tube. The Mayor is hesitant to cut the cord fearing he may activate his wifes postpartum depression.

The Venago Republic staff has expressed their desire to work in a real location. With all 14 members being fictional, things have become pretty crammed in the nonexisting place they currently work in. Now, the CEO of the Venango Republic is finally making a push to build a new headquarters for the satiracle news organization by holding a Go Fund Me campaign. After requesting funds and being rejected by Franklin City officials, Blobbert, the founder and CEO of the Venango Republic decided it was best to take matters into his own hands by starting a Go Fund Me page. Mayor Blunders of Oil City caught wind that the Venango Republic was seeking funding for a new location and requested Blobbert to consider Oil City as the new home base. Blobbert disrespectfully declined stating that "we need a town with buildings people maintain." Despite Franklin officials rejecting Blobberts request for funding, the Venango Republic is still set on moving to the only charming town in the region and replacing their courthouse just to stir the pot. Blobbert believes that by putting all county employees out of work against their will, we will have successfully caused everyone to hate us, which is exactly what we are trying to accomplish. The new location will resemble the Sears Tower (inaccurately named Willis Tower) in Chicago. It will consist of 110 stories and will feature a diving board at the very top for anyone trying to escape Venango County. Funds raised will be used to purchase the old pinkstained courthouse building in downtown Franklin where we will hopefully be able to overthrow the judicial authorities, including compliance officers and any possible political leaders failing to make a difference. Civic improvements may be seen in the picture below. Oops! You can still see the county in the background..... Because all our staff are fictional, the building will not actually be occupied by anyone except a janitor who will keep the first floor looking clean for no good reason. The upper floors will remain vacant as is typical for multi-story buildings in Venango County. Project estimates come to roughly 4.2 billion which exceeds the amount estimated to be circulating in the county by exactly 4.2 billion. Contributions can be made by clicking here . Those who fail to click the link will be sentenced to life in Venango County.

In what legal experts are already calling “an act of complete judicial nonsense,” a local woman known only as Know-Nothing Loser  has filed a lawsuit against her husband, Jason Bourne, claiming he suffers from a dangerous and unregulated H2O addiction . According to the suit, Know-Nothing Loser alleges that for the past two years, she has “strategically withheld” the family’s water pitcher to “test his resolve and spiritual fortitude.” When Bourne eventually ventured to the city well (a public fountain near Rite Aid), Loser claims she “felt betrayed.” “This man drank water without permission,” she told reporters in a toneless voice. “I have no emotion about this. It is simply illogical.” Enter Jake Horking Kake, Oil City’s most confused legal representative, who is proudly handling Know-Nothing Loser’s case. In a press conference held in the middle of a crosswalk, Horking Kake declared, “Jason Bourne went to a water rehab for hydration cravings, and I have a blurry photo of a water bottle to prove it.” When pressed for evidence, Kake pulled out a Nestlé Pure Life brochure and whispered, “This is where they break the addiction. Pure. Life. It's right there in the name.” Records show Bourne was not in treatment at all, but working a paid marketing job at the Nestlé bottling plant in Allentown, designing ad campaigns for responsibly sourced hydration. “It was a gig,” said Bourne, holding up a water bottle. “I needed income, and I also needed water. Apparently, both are controversial.” Those close to the situation describe Know-Nothing Loser as unflinching, unbothered, and entirely unaware of her own hypocrisy. “She refused to let him use the water pitcher, then filed a lawsuit when he went and got water elsewhere,” said one friend. “It’s like yelling at someone for eating because you never gave them a fork.” Kake insists his client is the victim here. “This woman has been emotionally parched by his hydration patterns,” he said, accidentally drinking from his own ink pen during the interview. Despite repeated contradictions, Kake maintains Jason Bourne “suffers from chronic liquid dependence” and “once stared at a puddle for over ten seconds without blinking.” As the trial looms, Jason Bourne continues his duties as head of advertising for The Venango Republic , producing promotional materials that, ironically, encourage residents to “Stay hydrated, stay weird.” Meanwhile, Kake was last seen attempting to subpoena a bottle of Dasani and asking the courthouse janitor if fountains can testify. Stay tuned for updates — and maybe drink a glass of water while you wait. Just don’t tell Know-Nothing Loser.

There are two possible explanations: Either this was written before the incident we shall not speak of ever again, or someone wrote this not getting the memo that the bar is under new ownership.... Do you people have news in Clarion?????? Outdated slander...... If this was written before the shutdown, we highly recommend the owners erase this immediately. If however some prick is writing this stuff thinking it's funny, you are about 3 weeks too late buddy. Get a newspaper will ya!?!?!?!?!?! The Venango Rapublic tried to make the image more age appropriate. Unfortunately, we are virgins and not allow to touch Oscar Myers weiner. Instead, we took pictures and applied some family friendly art to make it less offensive to the observer...... Nonoffensive family friendly pictures of men who no longer like to be called the nickname for Richard..... Interesting isn't it? Richard doesn't even start with a "D" so why is Batmans ward considered a short version of it?????? Let's ask Mr. (Bleep) Van (Bleep) for an explanation..... Mr. (Bleep) Van (Bleep) Hmmmmm..... Even the man with two innapropriate names looks confused by the question..... Anyways..... If you are still under the impression that Loomis is racist please get social media and refresh yourself on public affairs! I don't think the returning staff want this place shutdown because some lame brain defames the new owners!