In a press briefing today held in the Family Dollar parking lot, Mayor Blunders announced a "historic economic partnership" with the City of Pittsburgh. Despite years of attempts to make such trade deals in the past, only to discover that Pittsburgh still doesn't know of our existence to this day, Mayor Blunders says he is confident he will be able to accomplish this relationship as soon as he can afford a phone call. With Oil City still in the era of using rotary phones, no one has access to google to look up numbers outside of town. Oil City has thought to use the phone book. Unfortunately, numbers have changed since theirs was released in 2002. Mayor Blunders has proposed replacing the phone book with a modern version but has been unable to collect the funds to justify the purchase. With nobody in Venango County posessing a vehicle, and gas stations completely dried up due to the poverty, no one has volunteered to travel by foot to communicate with Pittsburgh that we exist. Some have proposed imposing a legal requirement on the healthiest individual to take on this task. Unfortunately, the healthiest individual is so unhealthy, he was featured on the last Feed the Hungery commercial. There is no guarentee that the trade deal with Pittsburgh will ever take place. In fact, it's safe to say it never will. No one is healthy enough to make the walk. And the likelihood of someone from Pittsburgh wandering into Venango County is about as likely as Pittsburgh sending a diplomat to negotiate with a town that still thinks fax machines are cutting-edge.

Oil City's City Hall has been knocked over after a lamp post fell causing a domino effects. The street lamp, which city officials say doesn't run due to lack of funds, fell over after a powerful wind caused it to tip over. Police say no one was hurt in the incident. However, Mayor Blunders was quite embarassed to have the building colapse around him while he was wearing no pants. City Hall, which also happens to be the City Outhouse, has been repaired twice this year after several incidents caused it to be completely destroyed. Earlier this year, a gang of rats drug the City Hall down the sewer. Later, after it was replaced, Mayor Blunders accidentally caught the structure on fire by lighting a match near the defecation. This will be the second replacement of the structure since April of this year. City officials say that they are not capable of funding a project at the moment due to Mayor Blunders terrible spending habits. With this being the third destruction of the City Hall this year, combined with the lightpost that knocked it over, costs are expected to be 50 dollars higher than the city treasury which currently is still stuck at zero. The City of Franklin says they are willing to consider loaning Oil City the 50 dollars once again if Mayor Blunders will promise to stop talking during the negotiations. If Mayor Blunders does open his mouth, the City of Franklin says they will withdraw from the meeting. A room has been prepared for Mayor Blunders to be tied and gagged during the negotiations.

Before a crowd of 42 observing fans, most of which were corn stalks, the Oil City Success once again failed misserably as the MLB's worst mistake. Their starting pitcher, Jamar JarJar, managed to strike out his own teamate after accidentally taking the plate during his teams turn to bat. When pitching against the White Sox, he couldn't even manage to reach the plate with his throws. To prevent complications, the umpire shortened the distance between the mound and batter to ten feet. Once the adjustment was made, the White Sox managed 22 consecutive home runs. First baseman, Mr. Handy Capable, was incapable of catching the ball before each runner got to first base. At one point, he attempted to reach the plate before the runner could land but was soon ejected for running over his opponents foot. The MLB is now in talks as to whether or not wheel chairs should even be allowed on the field of play. By the first inning, the umpires were ready to call the game. With the Success demonstrating an innability to know how to play the game, the officials felt it was appropriate to send the Success home with another loss before they tackled another coach. The Success hit the road this week to face off against the Braves. Unfortunately, we are expecting the Success team bus to break down no more than an hour after leaving Venango County. It always does and they have to come home.

We all understand the inconvenience of having to look for a sign to find a business. How rude it is for all these business owners to make their customers read rather than expecting us to automatically know where their business is. It's so much more convenient to be like Something Clever who currently is not allowed to have a sign identifying where they have moved to. Believe it or not, Something Clever has to wait till at least late June before getting a sign to show where they exist. Not because they're waiting on supplies to make the sign. Instead, two entities are holding them back. The Historical Architectual Review Board (HARB) and the Franklin City Council (FCC). We can understand why both these entities feel like they need to put this decision off till late June. Let's start with HARB which we promise is not an acronym for "harboring fugitives." HARB focuses on the historical authenticity of Franklin. Obviously, before approving a mordern sign for a business selling modern clothing, they need to take several weeks to consult historically famous architects like William Lloyd Write who you have never heard of and who also died in 1959. They also need to consult the late Bonanno Pisano whose name sounds like a bananna an who also designed the Leaning Tower of Pisa. With so many historically dead architechs to consult, it makes sense this should be drawn out to late June. If HARB approves the sign in late May, further approval must be sought from the Franklin City Council who coincidentally, has the same abreviation as an agency that polices radio and television. The FCC must be thorough in their process of approving this sign. First, they need to make sure everything is spelled correctly. This necessary process could take weeks. I mean, let's be real.... We don't want a sign that says "Nothing Clever" now do we????? If all is approved, then the new owners of Nothing Clever will be able to get their own sign made. In the meantime, they are not to use the old one without the council's approval because moving it might make the city look historically inaccurate. Even though the new vendor of the old location will be allowed to replace their sign, we wouldn't want the new location using a sign that should only be used two doors down. What now? We wait. The history buffs of Franklin don't meet until late May and the radio police don't have their board meeting until mid to late June. I mean, it is 2025 and they could technically text an "all in favor, text 'aye'" to everyone on the board, but then again, it is Venango County and they are probably still using rotary phones. This way they can be more historically accurate. In the meantime, to find the store, look for the vacant building with the "Something Clever" sign, turn right, walk two doors down, and walk into the building that looks like a store with no sign above it. Come to think of it, the new owner of the old location is probably going to have to go through this too. Only they have to deal with the dilemna of approval to take the old sign down..... Fine. To avoid confusion, the new Something Clever will now be referred to as ________ and will forfeit their name to whoever moves into the old location. Or..... Franklin's process of getting a sign can be simplified to texting the board members today!

Mayor Blunders is facing backlash after investigations have revealed he has been keeping Venango County's top secret documents on nuclear codes in his matress. In a press briefing today, Blunders defended himself stating that the nuclear codes have been "declasified" as of the moment he realized he was in trouble. The boxes containing documents labeled "TOP SECRET - CODE SPLOOSH," outlined the city's alleged plan to build a spitball-based deterrent system to rival Titusvilled water ballon reserves. According to sources, the documents being suddenly "declassified" by Blunders spoken word gives the Mayor an immunity. "Had be just kept his mouth shut, we would be able to prosecute him" states Jake Horking Kake, the county's biggest joke of an attorney "I appreciate Blunders stupidity as it mimics my own. However, I am getting paid a lot to hate him, so I am choosing to speak evil of him till this case is over." With Blunders suddenly declassifying top secret information on Venango County's arsenal, the Venango Republic was able to justify tracking down the weaponry and taking a look into the box labeled "Not Spitballs" which was being kept in a dumbster behind the YMCA. There were in fact spitballs inside. The Squareagon, Venango County's square shaped version of the Pentagon, has not commented on the situation. They believe their existence is absolutely ridiculous.

The Summer is approaching, and what normally would be the time for our decrepit city to turn on the fountain will unfortunately be delayed for at least the next eternity. With the city debt higher than it has been in 30 years, and the coffee can containing the treasury funds still missing thanks to Mayor Blunders, the town must choose between the stupid lights on the Main Street bridge or the fountain. Unfortunately, the city did choose one of the two rather than letting well enough alone. The cover to the fountain has been taken off to signify how much the city funds are drying up. People driving by have commented that they are happy the city is finally forced to stop wasting their money on running water. With the city water supply now down to a tiny jug, residents are hopeful they will be able to start saving water more productively compared to their finances. City officials on the other hand are discussion how to increase the water supply to run the fountain again. With the tax rate now at 100%, Mayor Blunders is considering an increase to 150% so he can run to the Clarion Walmart for a few gallons. As for the bridge lights, residents are still waiting for the electric company to cut off the cities electricity due to their unpaid bill. In the meantime, residents will have to be satisfied with no power in their homes and no running water. With the bridge lights sucking the power out of the city and the fountain drying up the water supply, there is no doubt Oil City has become the biggest waste on planet Earth.

34 year old Trent Spackle, a local moron who thrives on exagerated abilities, posted to Facebook that he is "built different." The post recieved no attention whatsoever because everyone knows he's full of crap. Nonetheless, Spackle still tried to impress his zero followers by posting a Facebook live of him trying to swallow a sward. His funeral will be held on Tuesday..... Trent Spackle, 1991-2025 Spackle was an antisocial family man who hated kids. He was loathed by everyone including his mother who tried her hardest to put him back after giving birth. By the time Spackle reached the age of 9, he had caught 3 cars on fire and burned down every bank where his family tried to take out a loan. With no friends due to his demonic posession, he was forced to grow up terrorizing ant colonies outside his house. One time, his mother asked him if he was goth while observing him drown a chipmonk in a swimming pool. Spackle responded "No. But if you know a guy named Goth, tell him to come along. He might enjoy this." During his adult life, Spackle invested all his energy into learning the secrets of flat Earth theory. With no useful information entering his brain, he failed to do anything productive with his life like all other flat Earthers. Consequently, nobody dated him because his theory about the world was stupid. At the age of 25, Spackle temprarily converted from being an evolutionary theorist to a creationist, but quickly converted back percieving his temporary conversion was proof that people can evolve. Local's often stated that if the evolution theory is true, then Spacke is the last living example of the first cell. Despite having a body that resembles human anatomy, it is argued that his brain was unable to break from it's cell..... Ok..... You can tell what we were trying to accomplish with that last line..... Just pretend it worked...... Spackle with be remembered by no one. He will live on in the hearts of no one. In fact, even this obituary will not be read because nobody likes Spackle as a person.

It has been three years since Mayor Blunders lost the coffee can containing the city treasury. In that time, city officials have struggled to maintain the status of a thrid world city. Time is running out for solutions meaning that the city needs to come up with ideas if they are going to avoid becoming fourth world. In the meantime, the biggest problem facing the city is the lack of funding for civic improvements. In comes Mayor Blunders, the man we cannot depend on to come up with good solutions. With the city sidewalks crumbling as vegetation grows through them. Mayor Blunders has proposed replacing them with painted examples to walk on. That's it..... Mayor Blunders has a history of coming up with stupid solutions. For instance, he was the one who suggested merging City Hall with the City Outhouse to help cut down on electric costs. He also was the one who suggested putting expensive lights on the Northside Bridge to help suck the energy out of the city. There really is no good idea coming from this man's head. Nonetheless, we keep him around because no one else wants to run. The issue with fake painted sidewalks is that paint is not permanant. When you walk on it, it will come up and have to be replaced. If you don't walk on it, the weather will destroy the paint and it will have to be replaced. Another problem is that people will become super muddy while walking on these sidewalks. Most of the residents on the Northside walk around barefoot because they cannot afford shoes. The sidewalks were the one thing ensuring they did not track mud into their houses because they can't afford welcom mats. Mayor Blunders has come up with one solution. "We can install new sidewalks before painting fake ones....." You try to figure that one out. We'll just end the article here.

It is no secret that the Venango Republic is trying to expand into the Clarion territory by bringing up to date satiracle news with quality content all available on a free Wix account. Recently however, the Venango Republic has discovered a rival news source claiming to bring the same level of quality with their average 5 articles a year. Yeah.... We want to sling mud and see if this guy will respond with his own article. Although we aren't confident he will actually do it, considering his last article was posted in 1999, we really want to see what kind of satire the author of Not Explore Clarion is made of. Let's just compare a few differences between the two satiracle news websites. Firstly, the guy running Not Explore Clarion posted one article about a week ago which was his first in roughly a month. Now, we know Clarion has nothing fun to do. But you have to admit that with it being a college town, there has still got to be at least one thing to write about each day. Heck, we're based in Venango and managed to write 183 articles in the last 5 weeks. You'd think the guy running Not Explore Clarion has a life outside his website or something. Secondly, Not Explore Clarion doesn't have as many categories of news compared to our satiracle site. Bland limited category list from Not Explore Clarion.... When do you ever see news "uncategorized????" We on the other hand have 9 categories with "funny" being one of them. That's something Not Explore Clarion has not seemed to achieve.... 8 of the 9 categories making up the Venango Republics professional looking website..... Funny is one of our categories.... You read this correctly. Not Explore Clarion is not only failing to bring you daily updates on the satiracle world. They also are failing to cover every possible category of the satiracle world. Not Explore Clarion is correct when they say they are truly not exploring Clarion. They can't even seem to explore a bigger category list. Thirdly, the Not Explore Clarion website lacks a staff to help keep the site going. We here at the Venango Republic believe this might explain their inability to come up with more than 3 articles each decade. We on the other hand have 14 fictional staff members all of which do nothing to write our content. Fictional staff members contributing nothing to our site Something else we will mention is that unlike Not Explore Clarion, we sold our first T-Shirt. We aren't quite sure what the guy for Not Explore Clarion is making from his website. But we estimate it falls somewhere in the range of zero. There's no doubt that the Venango Republic surpasses Not Explore Clarion in every way. Not only have we successfully made $10 in a five week period, we also came up with an original name and didn't have to put the word "Not" in front of someone else's branding to get attention. Instead, we wrote good articles and for that reason, people took notice and ignored our website for the right purpose.

A recent survey found that the laugh emoji may actually exaggerate how much people laugh at Facebook memes. Based on inconclusive satiracle data conducted by Venango Campus, the laugh emoji is likely used to express laughter because it is the only option available. According to survey takers, they do not actually laugh that hard at anything they see on social media. "I personally have never had the upper part of my head fly that far back when I laugh" says Mr. Blunt Face, a local who's RBF refers to his blunt characteristics. "Anytime I laugh at a Facebook meme, it is usually just a chuckle with a slight grin. Unfortunately, Facebook gives me no other option than to make it look like I'm laughing hard at a pun my 5 years old would come up with." People like Mr. Blunt Face are slightly put off that Facebook does not offer a more subtle chuckling option. With many believing the emoji makes them look like they'll laugh hard at anything, users of the platform are demanding a greater variety in laughing memes. "It's not that I don't want to laugh that hard" says Mr. Blunt Face. "I just want my laughter to be accurately represented. I mean, I tried to laugh like the emoji, but I can't seem to get the upper part of my head to stretch that far back without breaking my skull." In conclusion, users across Venango County agree: it’s not that the memes aren’t funny — it’s that the laugh emoji is trying way too hard. Until Facebook adds a reaction that says “mildly amused but emotionally guarded,” expect people like Mr. Blunt Face to keep grinning in silence while publicly reacting like they’ve ruptured a lung.

Franklin's worst attorney says that he has finally passed his bar exam. Jake Horking Kake, an actual living mistake, announced today that he successfully passed his Bar after walking past Trails to Ales and shouting "objection!" at the front door. Horking Kake has been outside the law for the last several years by lacking credentials in his practice. According to experts, if it weren't for the shortage of attorneys in the area, he would have been forced to stop years ago. Horking Kakes claim to have passed his Bar exam would be good for the county if it were true. Unfortunately, he's such a dunce, we know it's never going to actually happen. As for the establishment he works for, the Gaylibido Microsized Lawlessfirmentation, located on the corner of the emcee’s fat belly, says that they recognize Horking Kakes achievement as a legal certification mainly because they have no other options to choose from. With Horking Kake now recognized as a certified attorney, locals are cringing at what trauma his blunderous tendencies may cause to clients not knowing better than to hire him. Trails to Ales says they do not identify as a law school. Unfortunately, the county has so few attorneys, they will find any loopholes to justify such mistakes as Jake Horking Kake. With so few options to choose from, it looks like Horking Kake is here to stay.

The Oil City Success had another home game last night that went absolutely terrible. With the Phillies scoring every hit in the first inning, the game litterally had to be called in the first inning. 3 hours went by and the Success were down by a number the players didn't even know existed. The pitcher came out with his broken arm still in a sling from when accidentally placed it in a wood chipper. Unable to pitch the ball with his right hand, he elected to kick the ball to the plate forgetting that it is completely legal to use his left hand. Every kicked pitch was hit out of the park mainly because the park is just a corn field that stretches just outside the diamond. A total of five fans showed up last night with no one enthusiastic about the teams chances. "We just came to see the Phillies" said one local who has never seen anyone outside Venango county before. The Phillies hit the road shortly after the game. They say they hope to be back soon as this is always the "best vacation from real baseball."