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Explore Clarion has entered the world of comedy news. Or they are just trying really, REALLY hard to look bigger than a small-town source. In a recent article citing an incident most of the county was not aware of, the five-staff news website included a thumbnail of a guy who looked like he was sitting in a television interview for 60 Minutes. The difference is, they did not include a video — because they only write news. They don’t broadcast live footage because they don’t have a CNN budget. The article opens like it’s unraveling the biggest conspiracy since sliced bologna. Read a little, and you find out it's just about an HVAC company most Clarion residents didn't even do business with. Breaking news: Company that 92% of the population never hired has allegedly disappointed some people. Clarion braces for... nothing. Is the news sad? Yeah, for the people it impacted. Is it interesting? In a small-town way... But Explore Clarion is acting like Deets Mechanical was the cultural cornerstone of our community. Meanwhile, most of the readers are probably thinking, “Wait, they closed?” It's not just the article either. Just look at the header on their website. They’re posing like we wake up every morning just to see them on live television — like someone has looked at that header and said, “Omg, it’s her from Explore Clarion!” Mind you, all they do is write articles that most of us scroll past after reading the headline. That’s nothing against them. It’s just how human laziness in a digital age works. So why the heck are we posing like we're the biggest icons to set foot in the isolated town of Clarion? Blurry staff poses like we know who they are.... Is the article newsworthy? Again, in a small-town way. But this whole deal of presenting it like a major news story is a bit overblown — and only justifiable for our site because we identify as satirical. Unless Explore Clarion wants to get a trans-news procedure, it’s best for them to tone it down a bit. Just write your news in a small-town way and leave the exaggerated persona to us. Meanwhile, Clarion residents can continue hiring the HVAC guy who works for cash and accepts payment in scratch-offs. This just in: Explore Clarion staff investigating a missing pizza roll scandal at Country Fair. Residents are asking, “Who burned the bottom?”

1. Linda’s Tuna Noodle Casserole She brings it to every potluck. Suprisingly, she probably eats it, leaving us to wonder if her tastebuds exist. 2. Chocolate Peanutbutter Cake With Excessive Sugar Just ask my ex wife.... 3. Unseasoned Deviled Eggs Cooked in boiling water for ten minutes, then left to sit in the car for three hours. Yum! 4. Crockpot Cheesy Corn Dip That bowl of lava that burns your tongue like a microvwaved hot pocket. The difference is, this one smells like foot and sticks to the roof of your mouth. 5. Store-Brand Potato Salad Purchased by the person who doesn't like to cook but also doesn't want friends. 6. Mystery Jell-O Salad Why the hell would you combine these two things?!?!?!?!?! 7. Soggy Walking Tacos You can also accomplish this with a bowl. It's also easier to eat from because you're not wrestling with a flimsy bag. 8. Cold Baked Beans in a Styrofoam Cup And while you are at it, try a piece of memory foam matress. A perfect combination of entree's to make you gage yourself to death. 9. Velveeta Shells Made in a Hotel Room Never tried this. But it sounds gross! 10. Fruitcake Taste's like it was made in 2009. Everyone insists it's tradition when we don't want it to be.

With it being roughly three years since Mayor Blunders lost the coffee can containing the city treasury, many have adapted to the reality that Oil City may never again have usable currency. That is, unless the reports of Blunders finding the can are actually true. According to sources, Mayor Blunders may have located the coffee can he used to store all $25 the city had saved over the past 30 years. Unfortunately, based on information gathered from fictional witnesses, the can was empty when he opened it. Blunders speculates that the can was opened at some point by curious handlers who failed to read the inscription he "wrote"  on it. We here at The Venango Republic  caught a glimpse of our third-grade mayor’s handwriting. It was just a doodle of a puppy urinating on a tree. According to the mayor, that was supposed to be some kind of sign that the can belonged to the city. With the treasury now missing for good, Mayor Blunders has still declared a celebration to commemorate finding his now-worthless coffee can. A parade featuring the Oil City High School band will take place tomorrow morning. Spectators are welcome to bring their earmuffs to the event. OOOOOO! Was that in poor taste? We just meant in case it gets cold… or in case the band plays…

Former president of the United States and South Dakota tourist attraction, George Washington, has had a long life of diverse career choices. Ressurected in the 1940's during the Government funded project to put presidential faces into Mount Rushmore, Washington has spent the last 70 years sitting with an expressionless face. A extend period of just sitting while staring at nature was obviously a boring activity for George, which is why he left South Dakota in 2021 to become a stone mason for satiracle news. After the pandemic, Washington started the Outdated News Network. Believing that old news is still news, Washington felt that the Outdated News Network would help remind people of issues that are no longer relavent. Instead, people shared the headlines as if they were current news failing to read the dates listed in the articles. Washington was faced with a multitude of lawsuits but managed to get off because he classifies as an inanimate object. The Outdated News Network eventualy stuggled to find outdated news to report. The limitation in breaking stories from the last fifty years put the network to a standstill until 2025. Washington then signed with the Venango Republic as the official stone mason of the network. We litterally have no idea what we need a stone mason for. Regardless, we hired him because it is freaking hilarious.

A sense of hope was crushed instantly today when the Pensylvania Governor approved a grant that would put Oil City back into the dark ages. Residents were initially optimistic that a light burned out on the Main Street bridge would help the town save an extra 25 cents each month on electricity. Unfortunately, Mayor Blunders wrote the Governor requesting funds to replace the bulb. "We were so hopeful we could start running our washing machine again at least once a year" states Mrs. Welfare "Our electricity has been out for years due to the bridge lights sucking all the energy out of the city." Mayor Blunders did not hesitate to crush that optimism insisting that replacing the bulb would "increase terrorism by two-hundred percent....." No, that was not a typo. And yes, he did think he was saying tourism. With the lights running every day, and the city without electricity to sustain their homes, one could say that the town's joy has been dimmed to match the bulbs wattage. One could say that the light going out was the darkest hope Oil City has seen in years. Unfortunately, the rusty sunshine bridge will once again light up the towns day with extra gloom once again.

Friday night marked Jeremy Jetfuels debut as a live karaoke DJ. With the event scheduled to take place at the Deer Creek Winery between 6 and 9 PM, Jetfuel was ready to make an impression that would make him the regions next Skrillex. Unfortunately, whil driving to he event, his foot got stuck in his air conditioner, forcing him to pull off and call 911. Fast forward and hour later. Jetfuel is still waiting for an abulence to arrive to cut off his foot. While scrolling through social media to pass the time, he sees a post on the What's Happening in Clarion County Page. Some numskull, named Michel posts a video at the Deer Creek Winery claiming that he is the journalist behind the Venango Republic. We want to make this very clear to our readers. We don't know who this Michel guy is. What we do know however is that he is a bull face liar. He is not the man behind the Venango Republic. This should be obvious since our entire staff is fictional. Why this Michel guy is taking the credit for our material, we have no idea. What is certain is that if he does not stop, he will be facing a lawsuit from our Founder and CEO, Mr. Blobbert Blobfish. Jetfuel also says that he will join the fictional lawsuit against Michel. That constant deceit is uncalled for and our entire staff works too lazily for some random guy to show up to a karaoke night pretenting to be our lead journalist. It anyone has any idea who this Michel guy is, we highly encourage you to reach out to us imediately so we can take action against him. Please call us at 814-814-814 or visit our office at the North Sentinel Islands.

Live festivities, only at the cost of the emotional effort it takes to leave your house. It’s Oil City’s First Friday , coming June 6th. Stop by and enjoy an array of entertainment with the quality you’d expect from a small town in Western PA. Local vendors will be offering everything from handmade jewelry to artisanal items you’ll buy—and then forget what they do. A great place to wander aimlessly with a snack and prentend you are busy. Enjoy live music in the Center Square featuring artists you might  have heard of, assuming you keep up with local events. Music runs from 7 to 9 p.m., or until someone trips the power cord. Kids are welcome. Adults are tolerated. Expect “community,” which may include eye contact and polite small talk. Prepare accordingly. Come for the culture, stay because someone blocked your car in with a food truck. “Downtown Vibes” will be in full effect. No one knows exactly what that means, but it still sounds confident. So stop by Friday, June 6th, for the First Friday .…That’s literally all they called it. Not even the “First Friday Spectacular” or anything?

This coming Friday, the real person behind all the satire and comedy writings will be featured at the Deer Creek Winery in Shippenville. Come on out and enjoy karaoke, yard games, campfire treats, and community fun. The forecast shows lots of rain, meaning most this stuff won't happen because we are moving the event inside! That is, unless we stay outside. In that case, enjoy drenched karaoke, drenched yard games, drenched campfire treats, and drenched community fun! Meet the man who Jeremy Jetfuel is an alias for! Believe it or not, the real guy doesn't have a smiley emoji as a face. Either way, he smiles enough that the doctors have not diagnosed him with resting brick face. The one and only parody artist and composer known by no one will be featured live from 6-9 PM for a mix of karaoke, parody performances, comedy, trivia, and live music. Stop on by and enter to win a free T-shirt courtesy of the Venango Republic. For more information, call (814) 354-7392.

The Franklin Failures are once again shining in the spotlight after last nights game against the Oil City Success. The game kicked off as Oil City's first appearance since being denoted to the minors by the MLB, and then being denoted by the MLB minors to the less than minor minors because no one in the upper minors wanted them in their league. Franklin kicked off the first inning batting all pitches out of the park. By the tenth hit, Oil City's outfielders stopped running and instead started applauding every time their pitcher got a new ball. The fans were quite restless after 20 minutes of sitting. One observer stood up demanding a mercy rule to be put in place for what he described as "Franklin's batting practice." The game was so one sided that the umpires started awarding Oil City points for remembering what dugout was theirs. Once again, Oil City failed to extend the game beyond the first inning. Actually, they still haven't even scored a point in the history of their franchise. Their reputation is so bad, anylists don't keep track of wins. They keep track of who beats Oil City the fastest. After a rough 30 minutes, the umpires called the final score. The Failures came away with the win 48 to negative 3. With the Failures now becoming the most accomplished team in Northwestern PA, many are wondering if they are on par to win their 11th consecutive championship. Franklin will attempt to keep their winning streak of 10 years alive when they face the Erie Lakepuppies Tuesday. As for Oil City, they will be facing the Clarion Clunkers tomorrow night. Tickets for both games may be purchased by visiting your city council and telling them we exist.

Bella Cucina took to Facebook this weekend announcing a new exuctive chef for their establishment. The man, whose name we cannot mention because we keep identities confidential, weilds an impressive resume with past employment we cannot cite because we keep identities confidential. In the midst of the excitement, Bella Cucina posted a picture to Facebook commemorating this recruitment. Unfortunately, they did not specify which person in the picture is the one they just hired, leaving us to play a guessing game. The one who guesses correctly wins a dinner at the cost of whatever price is listed on the menu. The guessing game picture is attached below. We blurred the faces because we keep identities confidential. Blurry staff next to giant in house tree.... Combining a restaurant famous for quality dining with a chef known for quality cuisine makes for an ideal restaurant experience. Unfortunately, we here at the Venango Republic have never eaten this mans food and are only taking Bella at their word that he is a good chef. We like Bella's so much, that even if he is a flop, we will write a good review. Have you people had their shrimp? We are not getting barred! Just keep making good shrimp and we will always speak well of you! We love you Bella Cucina even though we still don't know what a cucina is.

What better way to celebrate Forest County pride than an event centered on a creature we've never seen here before? It's the 2025 Big Foot Festival 5k Run! Self conscious about your feet? Big foot isn't! He runs all day through the woods leaving tracks with his ugly toe prints. You can do the same with your feet too during the Big Foot Festival! It's technically not required, but it would be hilarious watching you show up barefoot while everyone else is wearing shoes on the hot pavement. There is only 4 days left to be guarenteed a T-shirts. So act fast! People without T-shirts are more likely to lose. If you were late to sign up, you'll probably be late to the finish line. Register now by clicking the link . All proceeds go to someone or something. We don't have those details because we didn't do our research. We technically weren't even asked to promote this either. We just did it to expand our audience and get more traffic to our site. Register now and try not to get eaten when you are running in the woods. Information in the link we shared earlier. We are not pasting it again!