Police responded to a call early Monday morning about a robery at the Northside of Oil City. Upon arrival, officers attempted to break the door down but were unsuccessful due to the exaustion of roller skating up the hill. After several failled attempts at knocking, officials attempted to call the residents to come answer the door but realized they only had a rotary phone with no plug. Search teams tried to locate an outlet by covering the entire Northside but unfortunately found that all the electricity once used to power them is now being used to power the ugly lights on the Main Street Bridge. With no phone to call the home owners about the robery in progress, police were forced to take other measures. Charges were placed on the front door but failed to ignite due to the lack of funding to purchase C4. With no explosives and the officers too starved by poverty to effectively lift the window, officials were forced to try using the door knob to get inside. It worked. Once inside the residents home, officers state they observed a man lying down on the floor wrapped up in an electric blanket. Baffled by how the home was able to use electricity in a town that can't even afford to run the bridge lights, police took the man into custody forcing him to give up the blanket as evidence. The blanket will be observed for DNA samples as soon as the Sheriff is done taking his nap with it.

The Venango Republic has been drawn between genuine cringeworthy satire and comical business reviews in the last couple of months. Ultimately, the decision was made not to obsess too much over such reviews seeing that the satire is what makes the website fun for the visitors. Nonetheless, there are topics that come up from time to time which require laying satire to the side. One of the most recent examples is the old Oil City National Bank building which is being converted into a restaurant with several other businesses to occupy the upper floors. Our goal was to get an interview with the owner so we could write an article promoting the business. Unfortunately, it's been two weeks and we still have not recieved that email. It's almost like the owner knows a wix website is not worth his time. We don't blame him. All that to say, we aren't going to wait for an email that is likely not going to come. There is so much to say about this business, we're not going to wait for it to open before we share our thoughts on the matter. Oil City has several restaurants that have lasted through the years as well as many which have struggled to survive. The Oil City National Bank building is the ideal setting for the vibe the owners seem to be pushing for, but the location raises questions that have yet to be answered. With this said, we are once again setting the satire asside to give an honest opinion of how we feel about the new restuarant coming to town. We write a lot of satire at Oil City's expense because controversial humor is the best kind. However, this does not mean we don't want Oil City to succeed. In all honesty, we want this restaurant to not only thrive, but be the kind of hangout spot that starts drawing people back to town. Better yet, we would love it if this compelled other kinds of businesses to come back so we aren't having to drive to Erie to do something fun. Oil City's biggest struggle over the years has been financial inflow. With no major industry exporting products outside the county, you often hear people use the phrase "support local business" or "keep money in the community." This is an optimists way of avoiding the phrase "we have not inflow." It's not like the days of the oil boom where the town could justify major civic improvements and a larger variety of restuarants. However, this does not mean that a unique kind of restuarant can't be the kick started the town needs to get something going. Let's use Franklin as an example. Is it a metropolis? No. But for some reason, they have been able to maintain a decent business structure that not only thrives, but justifies events drawing visitors from outside of the area. Applefest is just one example of this. Interestingly enough, one of our most recent interviews with the owner of Smoke Cantina shows that people will drive hours to visit Franklin for certain experiences. The fact that Franklin has two music stores also shows how a small town can maintain a charm without being the "oil boom" experience. It could be argued that Franklin has factories at the edge of town helping it's progress and inflow of money. However, this probably is not as big a contributor as the charm itself. The factories are not as major as what was back in the oil industry era. It definitely does bring inflow, but we are going to credit most of Franklin's success to the appeal it carries. Franklins example shows that things are possible with time and the right decisions. While it is easy to criticize leadership, it must be noted that Oil City is not the rich town it used to be. Bringing in business is a gamble and success takes trial and error over the course of time. What does this mean for the new brewery/restuarant moving into the bank building? Well, it has a lot going for it and some things that paint a concern. We'll start with the pros. First, the interior is appealing which arguably is most important because first impressions are what pull people in. Secondly, it looks like the restuarant may have two levels. We aren't sure if they'll use the second level or not, but if so, this gives it that New York high class dining feel. Thirdly, they will serve alcohol which people will drive the distance to get and pay big money for. Fourthly, opening businesses on the upper levels will arguably increase the likelihood of staff coming down to eat over lunch their lunch breaks. Finally, the building is big enough to house a decent crowd which will be great if they decide to bring in performers or DJ's for public events. Now, there are areas of concern. First, the parking lot behind the building is not that big. Secondly, Oil City is a wellfare town that can only justify so many restaurants before some start shutting down. Thirdly, the population wealth status means this restuarant will likely have to depend on visitors from outside the city. Fourthly, the town does not offer much for visitors other than restuarants and a few other generic businesses. Fifthly, many restuarants in town are closed the first half of the week because of the lack of visitors suggesting that a restaurant this size may have to do the same. It takes time to build a "tourist spot" and Oil City has struggled to reach this pinacle for years. Nonetheless, the new brewery might be just what the town needs to at least get people from surrounding areas to come. The advantage of having several bars in town is that people will hop from each location in one night. The disadvantage of having one this big is that it could potentially take business away from other restuarants in town if it is too successful. On the other hand, it can also not draw enough business to justify their size. This is where Oil City gets the most flack when its attempts to grow fall flat. People spend an overhaul of money, time, and effort trying to create something "big" but don't have other interesting things to accompany what they make. Lets take the hotel that was torn down as an example. Decades ago people once booked that place because there were things to do in town other than eating at a restuarant. Now, it seems like Oil City puts so much time into small every day item businesses, there is not anything unique to justify a person driving hours to visit. Grant it, you will hear business owners say they "have met people from out of state." The problem with this is that every town can say they have people passing through from out of state. That's not the same as drawing tourism. Are you drawing hundreds a week? Or are you just occasionaly hearing a person say "I'm from out of state"? If that's the case, Tionesta is an even bigger tourist trap because people actually stop there for camping and hunting. It arguably draws more people than Oil City and those stopping in aren't just passing through. If Oil City is going to use the whole "local business" model to draw tourists, it needs something no other town offers. Every town has bars. Every town has restuarants. Any town can put lights on a bridge (which would have looked better on the Veterines bridge if you ask me). Creating basic businesses offering crafted items will not influence people to drive hours for your town. And before you say "I have met people from out of state" just ask yourself how impressive that is compared to areas that get hundreds of people weekly from out of state. An occasional visitor does not suggest we're a hot spot for tourists. Oil City is probably never going to be the boom town it used to be. However, it would be nice to get something going so that people are interested in spending their money here. If this restuarant presents a unique experience not seen anywhere else in the region, then the city is off to a great start. The next task will just be to create a couple of other experiences that justify people wanting to stay for a weekend. One way the new brewery could thrive is having pamphelets at the front door for local experiences. Take for instance the Venango Museum and Debence Museum. Can someone justify a weekend on those alone? Obviously not. But mix in a couple more unique experiences other than a restuarant or hotel, and maybe you will have what you need to convince people to stay a weekend. Not sure what ideas to use? Well, people love their guns here. Oddly, we don't seem to have a gun range. We also don't have a mini golf course in the Seneca, Franklin, Oil City region. There is an ax throwing place outside of Franklin, but no mentions of it in town. No, these ideas are not unique. But if you mange to create this kind of variety and place pamphlets in your local restuarants and hotels, it would give visitors something to talk about when they leave. No, you won't see hundreds of people coming in a weeks time. But you might see couples stopping in for a weekend getaway. That would be your ideal starting point to draw people back in. You can't just keep opening up restaurants hoping the tourists will come. While we are hopeful this succeeds, there needs to be more variety in things to do other than eating food. Plus, the restuarants could help people who are passing through get a glimpse into what is already available by placing pamphlets in their facilities. There is already talk around town about someone wanting to rebuild a hotel where the old one used to be. That too could be a starting point in getting Oil City working in the right direction if it colaborates with the new restuarant. However, the area needs to show it has stuff available for people to do other than eating. This starts by not only promoting what the county offers, but by creating more tiny gems within a reasonable distance. If the only thing Oil City can offer at first is a restuarant and hotel, that's fine as long as they can convince visitors there are things to do in the region. It doesn't even have to be Oil City containing every tourist attraction. Oil City can be the base for the hotel and restuarant while the interests drawing people exist in the surrounding towns. It would be nice for Oil City to get some more things eventually, but progress sometimes requires starting small. As a final note, small business is not what's holding Oil City back. The lack of interest is. You don't need a big concept to get the ball rolling. You can start with a bunch of really good small ideas that offer variation. But it needs to be something better than home made crafts or house decor items. Those are great things to have in place, but not the kind of things that will draw people here. You have to create businesses that get people doing fun activities or that allow them to experience something worth their time. That is what will get cash flow to the region again.

A Clarion County resident is baffled after several affirmations online have failed to pay off his medical debt. Cashwell Bleedmore, a part time mechanic and full time liability, states that he genuinely thought the prayers he was recieving from commenters on Facebook would somehow resolve his fourty-five thousand dollar debt to the ICUP Medical Center in Seneca. "Every morning I would post my financial drama online hoping someone would start a GoFundMe" states Mr. Bleedmore. "When people instead commented that very short but encouraging phrase 'praying' I was overjoyed that they would go out of their way to promise something they probably weren't going to do whole heartedly, assuming they actually followed through. This has so much more potential then sending me a check." Mr. Bleedmore understands that finances are tight for people living in Western Pensylvania. It's understandable that people would instead just pray the money into existence so that no one has to make a sacrifice for someone in need. As for the people who commented "praying" without actually praying, Mr. Bleedmore says that he is encouraged by them as well. "Let's not exhaust people by expecting them to do more than their thumbs can handle" states Mr. Bleedmore. "At the very least, they read my post and commented. I can't expect them to actually pray. They need that energy to gossip to their friends about the problems I posted online." Although the prayers did not pay off Mr. Bleedmore's debt, he is still grateful to know so many people read his posts without actually being there for him. The countless comments, the increased likes, the money someone might actually send without checking to see if he has medical insurance already in place, Mr. Bleedmore is just grateful that posting his drama online has boosted his sense of importance. With the validation he refuses to let encourage him so that people keep giving him attention, Mr. Bleedmore knows that his forced low self esteem will keep people talking about him for as long as they care to gossip.

A local man is accusing a deer of a hit and run violation after it "intentionally jumped into the road." Jamarcus Down, a local conspiracy theorist, states that an anonymous deer knew he was coming but still jumped into the road. "I saw him looking directly at me" states Mr. Down "he knew I was coming. He wanted this to happen." Down believes the local deer population is behind a series of accidents which always seems to involve a deer fleeing the scene or suddenly dying after being mysteriously launched several feet into the air. The number of car wrecks this year alone is astronomical when considering the average citizens cognative limitations. Locals report an average of 3 dear being hit every season leaving experts to wonder if collecting the insurence money is what keeps Venango County afloat. In other news, the Oil City Mayor has urged locals to hit more deer to meet this months quota.

A county in northwestern Penylvania is once again bragging that they once had oil. What is most unique about this brag however, is that those gloating have no one to brag to but themselves because nobody ever visits them. According to a survey conducted this past week, all 55 people who make up the population of Venango County say that they are proud even though they wasted their only valuable resource. Residents say they plan to celebrate this resource they no longer have by holding another annual "Oil Heritage Fest" which coincidentally, draws less people than the population of their broken economy. "We are so excited to have another festival comemorating the days before our rapid decline" states Denial Optimist, a local optimist who cosistently lives in denial. City leaders are working around the clock to ensure that the festival is ten times more interesting than past years. The only problem is that, if ten times zero is still zero, then ten times this uninteresting event will still equal an uninteresting event. Researchers at Clarion University warn that coordinators behind the event will still probably brag it is interesting because of how interesting it "used" to be. Fortunately, nobody outside the county will ever have to put up with this brag because they don't know Venango exists.

Mayor Blunders declared this morning during a press briefing his sudden urge for world domination. With Venango County becoming the most booming region in Venango County, the Mayor believes expanding the borders through "military action" is the most logical step for Venango County leaders to take. In fact, Blunders is so adamant about this proposed policy, he sent his entire military to go conquer Franklin. Mind you, Franklin is still in Venango County. The Venango County House of Representatives is furious at Blunders for sending troops to attack one of our own cities. Speaker of the House — the Mayor’s sister — says that all three members of the House are working tirelessly to unanimously impeach the Mayor before he does anything else stupid. The Speaker says that all three share the view that Blunders has to go and have been working for three years to get the required three votes between them to finalize his impeachment. When asked why the three of them have not voted yet, the Speaker stated, "We only have the funds to meet once every six years." City Council members in Franklin say they are not mad at Blunders for sending troops to attack their city. One council member stated, "Franklin’s own military was growing extremely bored with their useless existence. Seeing Oil City's military was just the laugh our soldiers needed." Oil City declared victory over Franklin yesterday afternoon. Franklin officials, however, say that they were not in fact "conquered," as Blunders suggests. Instead, they just decided to humor him with compliance. It is uncertain what the Mayor’s next objective is. While there is potential for him to push into surrounding counties, sources say that the Mayor does not believe life exists past the Clarion border. Blunders even stated last year that "the lack of life beyond the Clarion border means that there are no major cities out there either." The Venango Republic has just started a GoFundMe so the House can meet again soon.

An Oil City man has just learned that he was not attending Alcoholic's Anonymous as initially thought. After being handed a calculator and told to run the numbers, Jason Drunkendonuts discovered that he was actually attending Accountants Anonymous, a privatized meeting for men with no concept of math. According to Drunkendonuts, he had "no idea what kind of meeting he had been attending all those years." Suspicions did rise around tax season when he was given CPA materials and asked to file a 1095. However, Drunkendonuts continued believing the extra work was to teach him to make an honest living. Drunkendonuts was only clued in after he admitted that TurboTax ignites his cravings for Budweiser. As terrible as they are at arithmetic, participants eventually did the math and figured out he was attending the wrong meeting. A local judge who court ordered Mr. Drunkendonuts to attend AA says that he will not hold him accountable for his mistake. According to the judge, his tax return was so great, it exceeded what was originally taken out of his gross income. Drunkendonuts says he will continue to attend Accountants Anonymous. While he understands that this is not meant for drunken people, he believes the atmosphere reminds him that there are occupations so much worse than alcohol.

Venango County's most idiotic attorney is pushing for the local courts to enforce monthly payments on "feline assistance." According to sources, Jake Horking Kake is representing 20 women in seperate cases where the ex wives got to keep the cats. "It is not fair for women who were afforded full cat custody to not recieve some compensation" states Horking Kake, who at the time of this interview was horking a cheeseburger. "It is only reasonable that if a woman is paying 50 dollars a month on food and litter for these cats, the man should at least be expected to pay one thousand out of his paycheck." Horking Kake is known for radical interpretations of law. Last month, he sued a man for what he called "intentionally ghosting a houseplant" because the man watered it an hour later than usual. The judge immediately dismissed the case. Not because of the allegations. Because Horking Kakes name was on the file. It is uncertain at this point if Horking Kake will successfully win any of these cases. But considering the Pennsylvania Supreme Court thinks that $900 a month is “reasonable” to raise a child who eats Pop-Tarts and wears the same hoodie all year, feline condo support doesn’t seem that far-fetched.

The population of Marienville has dropped significantly this morning as reports say a man took a trip to Clarion. Mr. Harrold Escape is the identified individual who locals say got in his car and drove away. Residents were stunned wondering what this means to the hopes of growing their town. "We do not see popultion growth too often around here" states the Mayor "A new baby is born once every 30 years if we are lucky. By that point, we just pray that someone is able to breed one of the opposite gender." Residents are uncertain as to why Escape left town so abruptly. They note that this is not the first time. Yesterday, he got into his car and did the same thing and did not return until after bank hours. The day prior, he also left for the same amount of time. In fact, he has aparently been doing this ever since he got old enough to get a job. "I've known that man since he was a child" says the Mayor "we warned him to find employment at one of the three businesses that exist in our community. Instead, he keeps driving to Clarion every week day and somehow comes back with his tank filled. We just don't know where he gets his money." The mystery of Mr. Escapes trips will likely remain a mystery. None of the townsfolk want to ask because it requires talking and they don't want to disturb the peace. Instead, they remain hopeful that he will continue to come back later in the day so they can raise their population again.

Police responded to several noise complaints early this afternoon which locals described as what sounded like "a man wiping his shoes on a welcome mat." Officers arrived at 241 Lonely Street to discover an elderly man trying to make his dentures fit. 83 year old, Dennis Diealone, was warned to stop breaking city ordinances with his obnoxiously loud behavior. This is not the first instance of a noise complaint this month. Last week, officials responded to a man opening his front door. The creeking was so loud, people could hear it. The man was warned to oil his hinges or pay a fine with potential jail time. "We try very hard to keep our tiny town quiet and peaceful" says Bernard Whisper "We have a hard enough time with those kids running from Abraxas and stealing our cars. Our town residents need to set the example." No charges will be filed against Mr. Diealone. However, he is being sued by locals who have potentially bursted their ear drums.

Venango County went without a news anchor for years due to a lack of media interest in moving their news to an area where nothing interesting ever happens. Dead Weight came into the picture after the Venango Republic used a satirical platform to make Venango County sound interesting again. This was the first time in over 30 years that Venango County had stuff to talk about—despite everything we report being fake. Dead Weight has become an iconic figure in the community and has reported on almost every significant issue we make up. 60 Minutes invited Dead Weight for a personal interview, where they were able to uncover the story of his life. Dead Weight states that he was left in the ocean for nearly 60 years. Abandoned by a ship that decided he was too much to carry, he lived the majority of his life underwater. Dead Weight was fished out of the ocean in 2014 and was surgically given arms and legs made of the same substance as his anchor. Dead Weight says that learning to walk was an adjustment, as he struggled to keep his chin off the floor. Eventually, he learned how to balance in a way that keeps his anchor from weighing him down. He still has days where he trips over absolutely nothing. Nonetheless, he manages to keep his head above water. As the news anchor of the Venango Republic, Dead Weight says that he hopes to accomplish big things. Unfortunately, he is weighed down by a severe lack of motivation. Consequently, he may never accomplish anything big. This is probably why he identifies so well with Venango County.

Conflict has been escalating for weeks between Union City and the industrial city of Canadohta Lake. With both cities consisting of entirely different religions, tensions have grown over the century. Mayor Blunders states that it is "time for the Venango States of America to intervene." Blunders, who declared himself president of Venango County after electing to secede from the Union four months ago, still hasn't gotten the message that secession is only possible when you have a military with guns. Blunders insists that our military—consisting of three 80-year-old men—is the best force, using state-of-the-art spitball launchers. The invasion of another county is an act unheard of in the history of mankind. Literally, no one has done something this stupid before. Nonetheless, Mayor Blunders of Oil City insists that this act against Union City is necessary to stop radical Methodists from performing acts of nuisance against the Baptists in Canadohta Lake. According to sources, Mayor Blunders has ordered a nuclear strike against Union City. In all actuality, he just sent a guy with a remote-control plane to drop eggs on one of their roofs. The act is unlikely to stop the conflict between the two towns due to Blunders having a short supply of eggs and not enough gas money to send another plane operator. Consequently, Blunders may have to let this go.