The outcry against the sinkhole on Liberty Street has shown progress after the PennDOT workers suddenly decided to convert it into an underground bunker. According to sources, minutes before our last article was posted, PennDOT workers began filling in the sinkhole but also decided to include a room that shares similar characteristics with a Cold War backyard defense system.... A bunker.... “We are relieved to find this sinkhole will no longer pose the danger of swallowing cars,” states one man. “I know what it is like to fall into one of those. It took me several weeks to climb out of one at the Cranberry Mall parking lot.” Other locals are not so relieved. One resident states that he can’t justify in his mind why the workers are building an underground bunker. “Do they know of a coming attack we haven’t been informed about?” states a Vietnam vet. “In all my years of offering medical assistance to house cats in Vietnam, I never thought I would see people building bunkers in the street.” With speculations rising, even the mayor of Franklin is becoming weary of the underground room. “I’m becoming weary of the underground room,” states the mayor of Franklin. Close investigations offered very little detail about what is going on inside the hole. This is primarily because we did not bother to interview the guys filling it in. The only indication of foul play is a ladder sticking out of the ground which conspiracy theorists are still struggling to explain. Where do you lead? Don’t worry… they’ll come up with something stupid. Conspiracy theorists always do.

The City of Franklin is suspected of creating their own sinkholes after PennDOT workers were caught standing next to one on Liberty Street. According to sources, several workers were conversing among themselves, leaving many to wonder if they were plotting other locations to potentially dig up the road. A sinkhole formed just two months ago on the edge of town was thought to be caused by natural occurrences beneath the street. Today, however, much of the community is speculating sabotage after seeing evidence that these workers intentionally bore a hole in this section of town. One form of evidence are the pipes sitting next to the perfectly square sinkhole. Man stands guard watching pipes sit As for the workers, they have not commented, primarily because our journalist chose not to ask them any questions. I mean, why get an explanation when you can just stir the crowd with wild conspiracy theories? Let’s not kill the conspiracy before it gets good. Other residents of Franklin are coming to the defense of the man-made sinkhole, stating that the workers were truly there to fill it up. One resident, who does not exist, states that the pipes were likely placed on the side by the sinkhole itself to frame the men standing next to it. The Mayor of Franklin also came to the defense of the men, stating that he did not authorize a sinkhole to be made. Consequently, he believes that the sinkhole is collaborating with the Illuminati to divide the public against themselves. The mayor’s sanity has been brought into question, as well as his existence, after further sources confirm that the real mayor would never say something this stupid. With the new sinkhole being wide enough to swallow a car, the first priority for the city is to fill it up before further investigations can be made. Whether or not the workers intentionally caused the sinkhole, sources say that the public cannot deny the efforts put forth to protect cars from the sinkhole, with traffic cones aligned right next to it. “Those traffic cones wouldn’t even stop a Geo Metro,” states Metro Man. “I’ve hit one of those before and was able to win the battle before falling off a cliff.” After hearing the last quote, we too are beginning to question whether or not the workers are truly looking out for our safety with such weak cones. I mean, the guy in the picture below is holding a shovel, as if he’s trying to fine tune the last details of the sinkhole. Why doesn’t he just get on the escalator and fill it back in? It’s not like they have anything to do beneath the road, such as fixing the pipelines. Time will tell what menacing plans these men have with this sinkhole. As we wait for the men to plot their next move, we shall also prepare to bring you coverage on the comments from people who don't understand satire when they read it.

The talk of the town is Mayor Blunders recent announcement for a ballroom expanding the east side of City Hall, which also shares places with the City Outhouse. The glorious nature of this project promises an elegant atmosphere by Oil City standards. With a low grade leaky ceiling and a floor almost eaten up by termites, this truly will be a demonstration of the Northside pride. In an interview with Mayor Blunders, I was able to find out secret details behind the ballroom never before mentioned. While it was difficult fitting inside the outhouse, I managed to get a two hour exclusive interview with Mayor Blunders that I completely regret. Exiting the outhouse was the greatest feeling for my lungs, but the interview was necessary for ensuring the most accurate coverage of this stupid idea. Here is what City Hall will feature in it's new ball room. A Shard of Disco Glass Given the size of the room, the Mayor Could only justify a single shard of glass to hang from the ceiling. Visitors are encouraged not to jump since the roof is only 5 feet from the ground. A Vape Pen for Fog Effect Obviously, a real fog machine would put Oil City into insurmountable debt for several decades. Mayor Blunders managed to steal a vape from some girls purse outside of Country Fair. This will act as the fog machine so long as she doesn't come to steal it back. DJ Booth Featuring an Ipod Shuffle Once again, limited space with outdated tech the city can afford. This Ipod was donated. Social Distancing Section It takes up the entire space, but is necessary to appease Giant Eagles logic of dealing with disease. A Square of Linoleum for the Dance Floor The Mayor splurged on this one. Juice Boxes This makes up for the punch bowl. Commemorative Plaque He litterally scraped this off his own teeth. Lighting We're just stealing a bulb from the bridge lights since no tourists are coming to see it anyway.

The war between the townships has seen many bloodless days since the beginning of this month. When the southern townships seceded, Mayor Blunders of Oil City ordered a direct assault to suppress the rebellion of the Illiterate States of America. So far, both counties have seen three battles. Only one death has been reported, which involved Foam Wall Jackson being hit with a spitball and instantly dying of COVID. Otherwise, everyone's okay. Several days of tension existed between the northern and southern townships over the library tax, which, if passed in November, would force all residents of the county to fund the local libraries in the region. The secession of Cranberry Township and the other southern townships that joined it was one that Mayor Blunders was fearful would occur. Though wanting to avoid war at all costs, he chose to send the three Venango States of America military members into the southern regions to suppress the rebellion. All they've accomplished so far is reaching the top of Seneca Hill. General Utilities S. Cant is the first general to successfully progress toward the Cranberry capital of Cranberry, where he has surrounded the capital building — also known as the Cranberry Mall. Utilities S. Cant has made the Cranberry Mall his objective with the hopes of starving out the Southern Army. Laying siege to the mall is a dangerous task due to the possibility of his soldiers falling into the parking lot potholes. Nonetheless, Utilities S. Cant is adamant about starving out the Southern Army, who, unbeknownst to him, is actually shopping at Walmart as we speak. As of today, Rubber E Pee — General of the Illiterate States Army — has received word of General Cant's progress toward Cranberry and is preparing a flanking maneuver. Unfortunately, even Rubber E Pee doesn’t quite know what the word flank means, but is going to try it anyway. All the while, Mayor Blunders remains adamant that the progress of this war will decide the outcome of his self-proclaimed Meningo States of America. Blunders states that this war is essential in the hopes that all books will become free. Ironically, this war actually accomplishes nothing because the library tax still needs to be voted on in November.

The Capitol Building of Cranberry Township, also known as the Cranberry Mall, has officially declared itself a retirement home for local businesses that want to soon pass away. According to reports that are not verified to be trustworthy, the recent trend of businesses opening up inside the mall and dying soon after makes its location appropriate for people who want their business to fail. "I am so grateful local businesses that envision no success for themselves have a place where they can ensure that possibility," states one woman who doesn't understand economics. "So many times people open up businesses and see instant success and aren't able to close down right away. The mall is certainly an ideal spot for such business owners to start out." Renovations are expected to begin as soon as someone who cares about the building is stupid enough to invest in it. Until then, businesses will have to retire with leaky roofs pouring water on their heads. With the new business model ready to take off, festivities have been delayed. The ribbon-cutting ceremony was set to take place this Saturday, but it's been postponed because the ribbon store shut down last week. Until the grand opening takes place, businesses are still being welcomed into the facility for the purpose of opening up and immediately closing. The Mall hopes that with this continuous trend, it will help encourage other business owners who want to fail to see their potential at the Cranberry Mall.

A fire drill was scheduled today by the Sugar Creek Fire Department, where all two members would enter a one-story building and try to find their way out. To make a realistic scenario comparable to the average house in Sugar Creek, firefighters were sent into a building that had only one room. The 10x10 Port-a-Potty proved to be a challenge for the Sugar Creek Fire Department, who accidentally broke the doorknob that would act as the key to their release. Consequently, both firefighters had to wait for the building to burn down before they could exit. The fire chief stood outside, observing the flames as his men — who were wearing fireproof protective gear — patiently waited inside on the john in an attempt to control the blaze. Fire Chief Sugar High sprayed water for a few moments but couldn’t resist the urge to point the hose toward himself and chug down the Sugar Creek resource. The firefighters emerged from the debris once the building burned to the ground. For the fifth time this month, they found their fire chief on the ground with another sugar high due to his obsession with drinking the local water source. The fire chief took a couple of hours to recover and went right back to drinking water from the Sugar Creek. As for the building, experts state that the property value actually increased as a result of the training drill. Since most of the run-down structures in the region are eyesores anyway, the complete demolition of the training site added an additional $20 to the property value — funds the city claims will help put them “back in the black.”

ExploreClarion sounds like the name of a resource tourists use to decide where they'll go for dinner. So how the heck does an organization with this kind of name wind up reporting the deaths of car crash victims, rape victims, and people nailed for drug use? "Hey outside visitors. Welcome! Let's 'explore Clarion.' Here's some horrible things that happened today!" You really need to rethink this name EYT. The organization that attempts to keep you informed on the region's most important topics probably prides itself on amassing 50 thousand followers on Facebook. This means 14 thousand more people than the county's population trusts ExploreClarion to inform them accurately. Unfortunately, the rules of journalism are not always followed so well. Disclaimer: The Venango Republic can break the rules of journalism because we are comedy news. We never cite names or claim to be a fully factual source because frankly, a Blobfish as our CEO should make it obvious that we are a comically focused platform. Our disclaimers, when we provide them, involve us telling you when we are NOT being satirical. ExploreClarion however, doesn't always follow the simple rule of informing you when claims they report are speculative. Shall we demonstrate? Back in April, the most talked about subject in town was the one most people are sick of hearing about. According to sources, a bar owner ran his mouth, said some racist stuff, and drove his staff to quit. Did you notice how I used the phrase "according to sources" ExploreClarion? I've read the first ten paragraphs of your phone book sized coverage of this story . I don't see the phrase allegedly, according to sources, or witnesses say anywhere in the start of your article. Instead, the writer just rambles off as if witness claims are substantial evidence. It isn't until paragraph 19 that one of the key phrases is finally used. These phrases are called attribution phrases, and they are a big deal. They don't suggest that witnesses are lying, but they do protect the organization from a defamation lawsuit. Why? Because they are crediting a source for the information and acknowledging that nothing is fully verified even if the claims are true. As in the case of the Loomis incident, several aspects of this article break basic journalistic rules. For one thing, the only indication that the journalist tried to reach the bar owner for his side of the story is the phrase "our calls." The journalist, who we will refer to as Mr. Sea, does not document when he attempted to call, how many times, or if there were other methods used to reach the bar owner. This is a problem because even if the claims are true, you need to show reasonable effort to get the other party's side of the story. "Calls" could mean as little as two attempts. And if the guy's phone is broken, it's understandable why he isn't returning your calls. He might have dropped it in the toilet before flushing. Even I wouldn't pull a phone out of that kind of mess. His hands may be dirty from racism, but he's not going to touch poop! By the way. What the heck is the deal with this headline? Really? Most people probably just said "what a jerk" and went to Toby Hill. I highly doubt all three and a half thousand residents of Clarion came outside at once and said "let's decide what we believe about racism. We can hold hands up and down Main Street and sing about how connected we are now that a guy was racist toward a jukebox." Don't you think you are exaggerating this a little bit Mr. Ocean Dweller? The rules of journalism argue that the author must state the facts. This means no subjective opinions, no clickbait, and no exaggerations to spark community gossip. Additionally, you are to use verifiable information. The article only cites two instances of interviews yet suggests several people were in the bar that night. What about the other people? If you are going to document a guy's racist statements as a factual event, you need more than two people. Not to mention, another rule of journalism is to seek out verifiable facts. Not social media hearsay. There is so much reference to what people said on their Facebook accounts as if that constitutes proof of the incident. It doesn't. You need more information. Like interviewing everybody who saw what happened? I am not denying the events the witnesses claimed. In fact, I wrote several satirical pieces mocking the guy who made the comments. But as one who has prior experience in journalism, I can say without a doubt that this article by ExploreClarion breaks the rules that protect people from misinformation. Even if what you report is completely factual, you need to present it in such a way that you are protected. What makes this dangerous? With the exception of the public apology made by the Loomis owner, all you have are two interviews for an event that suggests several people were present. You can draw from Facebook posts, but reaching out to the people posting is essential to ensure your facts align. Here's a brief example: Explore Venango shared an article about potential abuse in the Venango County Prison. This article represents a good example of reporting in micro sized font..... Fix your font! Not everyone has eagle eyes! Aside from it being super long, the author does not try to exaggerate or take a stance on the claims. He just reports what people told him. The Facebook comments to this article were filled with allegations of abuse from former prisoners. Contrarily, a conversation I recently had with a staff member of the prison suggests the allegations are false. Am I picking a side? No. I'm reporting that many commented experiences of abuse, while another said otherwise. That is unbiased reporting. The opening of the Loomis article doesn't start off this way. It doesn't say that a bar owner "allegedly" made remarks. Neither does it suggest attempts to interview multiple people to back up the claims. It cites two people and Facebook interactions from people they could have easily reached out to for interviews. Additionally, it takes 19 freaking paragraphs to get past the soap opera! I can drive 322 to Seneca behind the county's slowest driver and be done faster than it takes to read those sentences. Also..... FIX YOUR FONT! The first 19 paragraphs report the instance as a narrative for a book. That is terrible reporting. Even though the claim of racist comments is backed by the apology posted by the owner, this approach is messy, unprofessional, and demonstrates bias. And this is not the only problem exhibited in the piece. What drives people crazy about things like political news is how much they exaggerate instances. The only time people truly love exaggerated headlines is when it promotes an idea they agree with. But that doesn't make it good journalism. Just good propaganda. In the case of the Loomis article, so much could have been accomplished simply by stating the basic facts. "A man allegedly made racist statements Saturday evening. Two bars closed down when the staff walked out in protest." Instead, this 90-100 paragraph article hits you with subjective sentences like " it was a town watching a mirror being held up and not looking away." Seriously? You know this for sure Mr. Swimming Animal? You talked to all three and a half thousand people in Clarion and determined they looked at themselves in the mirror after the incident? Let's take a quick survey. How many of you looked at your reflection and said "I wonder if I'm racist" after hearing what that bar owner said? Eh..... Three and a half thousand people is a lot to survey. I think I'll just be like the ExploreClarion guy and claim you all did look in the mirror. It's so much easier to speculate for emotional clickbait. Oh! Speaking of exaggerations; The claim that the woman's initial post describing the instance went viral? 1.4 thousand shares is not viral. Maybe by a small-town standard it seems to be. But I can easily get that number by dropping 20 bucks on a TikTok video. So..... Back to my point about exaggerations...... There are a lot of headlines ExploreClarion tries to make that just fall flat. The Venango Republic has made several pot shot pieces just in the last 8 months. From a fender bender , to a two-part series on a dam nobody gives a damn about. We also find it funny that more than two months after making this article , they still haven't fixed the spelling on Tylers description. Errors include "In fact, your will" and "even wore at hat" Also, just so you can see how little there is to explore around here, my sister from Lancaster Pennsylvania sent me this article and commented the following..... UGH! Why can't we find stuff to do around here?!?!?!?!?! There are general rules to follow in good journalism. What makes this platform great is that we are comedy news. That means we learn the rules and can break them when we want because everyone knows we lean towards faking information for laughs. Our disclaimers come when we are being serious. In the case of ExploreClarion, there is a higher standard. They are not a comical platform. Therefore, their disclaimers need to come when information is based on witness accounts. When it is a case of one person's word against a series of accusations, you still are trusting those accusations are true without any basis other than the persons word. It's easy to overlook this unprofessionalism in the Loomis incident because of the publics reaction prior to the publication. But imagine if it was a story about a person where the claims were false. That happens sometimes. And an article this messy screams defamation that could ruin an individual. I wonder how well you'll sleep at night if ruining some poor innocent soul served as good clickbait. If it gets you to 51 thousand followers, it was worth losing the 1 I guess. Additionally, I have never met the man who made those racist comments. Yeah, I wrote some rude satire. But the guy defamed himself and that's the nature of comedy. People expect that but don't take it serious because it's COMEDY. Explore Clarion however is not a comedy platform. Explore Clarion is supposed to be a factualy based source delivering news in a way that protects us from subjectivity. They aren't supposed to be writing soap operas. I don't know where the Loomis guy is 8 months down the line. He could be a completely different person by now. I don't even know what kind of guy he was before. Was he drunk when he spoke? Does he just run his mouth thinking he's funny when he's not? Or is he exactly the kind of person that could do harm????? Nah! He can't even handle black music..... You can't get these kinds of answers from the information Explore Clarion gained because they only talked to two people. Had they tried to reach the Doofis from Loomis several other ways, found success, then found him wearing a swastika, then we would have a bigger story. Unfortunately, all we know is that he apologized for being racist and some workers provided context from their point of view. With this said, I do believe a major mistake does not mean one will not consider change in themselves. It also doesn't mean they will. I also believe that several eye witnesses to demeaning racist comments have a right to be put off by what happened. But Explore Clarion is not a blog. They identify as a news website. Meanwhile, the Venango Republic is the Bill Maher of this community. And it is calling out the BS that turned a simple "they walked out after reporting racism" into a city wide soap opera where I'm aparently questioning if I'm racist. Cut your moral police crap and just report the news ExploreClarion. Here's a list of ten rules to help figure out how to do that. Top 10 Rules of Good Journalism Seek truth and report it accurately. Verify every fact. Never publish rumors, assumptions, or unchecked claims. Use credible, independent sources. Rely on firsthand accounts, documents, or verifiable data — not social media hearsay. Be objective and impartial. Avoid injecting personal opinions, bias, or emotional framing into the story. Provide context, not confusion. Explain background information clearly so readers understand the full situation. Attribute all statements. Always identify who said what — “according to police,” “witnesses said,” etc. Correct errors transparently. When mistakes happen, fix them promptly and clearly note corrections. Respect privacy and minimize harm. Avoid sensationalism, victim-blaming, or publishing private details unnecessarily. Keep headlines honest. Titles should summarize facts — not exaggerate or manipulate emotions to get clicks. Maintain independence from influence. Don’t let advertisers, sponsors, or personal relationships shape what you report. Hold power accountable — fairly. Investigate wrongdoing, but give all sides a chance to respond before publishing.

Two university students met inside Toby Hill’s today and immediately started gossiping about people they might like. The event began at about 4:30 PM and listeners were instantly made sick. According to sources, men sitting nearby had to put up with the constant gab of why certain candidates did not meet the girls criteria for a solid relationship. “I couldn’t even enjoy my beer,” states the town drunk, who found himself struggling to get the beer barrel off his head. “It was bad enough that I was stuck in this barrel, but having those two ramble on about how ‘this guy’s hot but super annoying’ really annoyed me.” Other attendees also expressed frustration over the constant talk about hotness. One man stated that his trips to the bar were a means to get away from similar conversations his wife has with other women at home. “It just really lowers my self-esteem,” states Mr. Flab and Gasted. “I’m not the hunk I used to be. The constant reminders are making me want to eat chocolate.” Toby’s has not stated what they will do to prevent this drama from spoiling happy hour. Some are suggesting a nice quiet room in the back of the building reserved for college drama. The main feature Toby’s has not agreed to is a trapdoor that instantly falls through when girls start talking about relationships. Until Toby’s does something, visitors are warned that they may have to endure overhearing why guys like Jeremy are hot but not good enough. Experts recommend that people getting physically sick from this should chug their beers quicker.

Ughhhhhh..... ExploreClarion, you are killing us. Yes, we take potshots at you when you fail. But we are doing it for your own good! One video (first article here ), bad enough. Two video, even worse. Three video, and now we wonder why you haven't hired a new director. Let's preface the article by saying that the business owner is a wonderful woman with a wonderful product. We extra blurred her because she was only doing what the guy behind the camera said. As for the people making the video, they need to take a brief course on social awkwardness. I would know! I was homeschooled! ExploreClarion is once again stepping outside of their platform specialty by producing videos. And so far, every single one pertaining to Autumn Leaf Festival features several seconds of awkward silence with people standing lifeless while staring at the camera with creepy smiles. Imagine if you will, a person walks up to you. Instead of introducing themselves right off the bat, they stare for several seconds with an awkward smile. You, look around the room trying to figure out if anyone else can see what you are seeing (that's probably what the camera is doing). Next thing you know, the person says "welcome! My name is Bill." You're probably thinking "yeah.... Conversation is over now...." It just blows my mind that in a digital age where people constantly watch content creators online, this local news outlet is trying something no viral figure would dare to try. A good rule of thumb is that once the camera hits record, you start talking. Or, you can give an awkward introduction like the people who have been exploring Clarion the last quarter century.

The Oil City Mayor has just declared a state of emergency after realizing that the oil has been dried up for the last 40 years. According to sources, it suddenly clicked in the minds of locals that there is no oil left — which explains why the money has not been coming in for the last 4 decades. “We genuinely thought that we were just as prosperous as the days when the oil industry was booming,” states one overenthusiastic local. “It was a genuine surprise to find that the industry does not exist anymore.” Noting those expressing shock over the realization that there is no oil left, we now understand why people posed as if Oil City is some big metropolis. This really confused every single one of us who understands reality as it is. With the state of emergency now in effect, locals aren't quite sure what to do. I mean, nobody’s really in danger, are they? We just don’t have any oil. Just like we haven’t had for the last 40 years. Consequently, as a result of the oil being dried up, residents are being warned that they should potentially wear masks when they go outside because this helps for some reason. The local Giant Eagle also warns that anyone who uses a shirt will be flagged down even if the material is the exact same thing that a mask is made out of. They really don’t understand science, now do they?

It’s no secret that the HVAC drama related to DEET’s Mechanical’s sudden closure has caused months and months of wait for people who aren’t anxious to appear before the judge. With delays in installing new air conditioning in the building and a useless fence keeping out nobody who knows how to jump, people are wondering if there will ever be an end to the drama blown out of proportion by the one and only ExploreClarion. Reports today cited an open window at the edge of the building, which for many sparked a sense of hope that the drama may be over sooner than later. For observers outside the building, the biggest question was how the window got opened in the first place. Someone must have been in the building, meaning that perhaps it isn’t closed after all. Either that, or they’re giving up on the HVAC drama and just resorting to open windows instead. “It was very encouraging to see a sign that someone managed to enter the building,” states a random person who did not actually say this. “The courthouse closure really doesn’t affect me, but because drama feels so good to get caught up in, I’ve decided to allow it to impact me anyways.” In addition to the open window, illuminating light also suggests signs of life inside the building. This, too, brought about hope that the town has not sank since the 2025 Autumn Leaf Festival. “We haven’t felt this sense of hope in a long time,” states the person who yearly attends the Autumn Leaf Festival and always feels this sense of hope. With the courthouse showing signs of life inside, many onlookers who have longed to walk inside stand with anticipation for what they hope is about to come. This number of people amounts to roughly zero. In the meantime, we ask ourselves, what the hell this owl is doing hanging with a rope around its neck in the other courthouse window.

ExploreClarion, as of late, has tried to integrate modern technology into their small-town media platform with the purpose of trying to achieve their version of 24-hour news, and recent postings have proved how amateur their style truly is. In a recent Facebook post, ExploreClarion tried to promote Autumn Leaf Festival with a video depicting what one can expect upon arrival. Instead of just posting footage of the preparation taking place before cutting to the speakers, they started out the video with an extremely awkward frozen smile and another young woman giving a blank stare. These awkward poses lasted approximately two seconds too long, once again proving that ExploreClarion has not gone to school to learn how to film media footage. To help demonstrate the awkward nature of the opening of this video, we would like to put you in the shoes of any person who has ever been stared at with a half-genuine smile. Imagine, if you will, an evening at the bar. You've just ordered your champagne, and your friends have left the table to go to the bathroom. You look across the room, and this is what you see. This, of course, would not be so awkward if you were blind. However, because your eyes can see what's looking directly at you, you can't help but want to hide under the table and maybe discharge a concealed weapon, just in case. In the case of the video, you know that the person smiling is not trying to make you feel awkward. They're probably just doing what the cameraman told them to do. We are in no way making fun of the two ladies. We are, however, making fun of whoever the heck told them this was a great idea. If you're going to produce a video, don't make it awkward in the beginning. Shoot some nice shots with your phone, then cut to the two ladies. Have them instantly say, “Welcome to Clarion County's annual Autumn Leaf Festival.” Or you can do what the cameraman did and make your video about as amateur as they come. Well done, ExploreClarion.