At the twelve o'clock hour today, the East Crawford military pushed the defenses of West Crawford and Clarion County back from their check points on the south side of Oil City. Pressure from both military personnel of the East Crawford militia attacked Veterans Bridge and Route 8 at the Petroleum Street bridge. Clarion County military was forced to abandon their barrier made of university textbooks provided by the Clarion University library. This came as several spitballs rained down upon them in rapid fire that they could not hold out against. Realizing they had no weaponry but textbooks, the soldiers elected not to throw thier coursework for fear that it might hurt the enemy. They've since retreated back up Route 8 behind the Electroloid main office building. East Crawford advance in red, Clarion textbook barrier in yellow, Clarion military retreat in blue... Meanwhile, across town, Veterans Bridge has been taken by the other East Crawford military man, armed with both snowballs, muffin hand grenades, and spitball launchers. The single military member has successfully pushed all six of West Crawford's troops back into the north side of Oil City. He is currently using the Meow Mix barrier, with supplies courtesy of the Smuckers factory in Meadville, as a defense against West Crawford's counterattacks. West Crawford's troops have been split, with some retreating up East State Street, and the other three deviating left down Front Street. The single military man is reckless and prepared to use the Meow Mix barrier mercilessly. East Crawford advancement in red, Meow Mix barrier in yellow, West Crawford retreat in blue... The situation is dire as the failing militaries from the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization struggle to maintain the south side of Oil City. Nonetheless, Mayor Blunders remains optimistic now that the Jefferson County military has arrived. Mayor Phil of Punxsutawney, capital of Jefferson County, has spent years developing a force of tunnel hogs for his military. Their experience in burrowing beneath the earth is one that no other county in western Pennsylvania can match. With Venango County's military still at the border of East Crawford on Route 8, Mayor Blunders of Oil City has hoped for this opportunity to send word that East Crawford surpassed them while they were asleep. East Crawford advancement in red, Phil sees hus shadow in yellow, Jefferson digs in blue... Should the Venango County military receive word in time, the fate of Oil City may change for the better, as East Crawford troops would be surrounded on all sides. It is crucial that the two military men making up the senior portion of Oil City's militia arrive in Oil City before the enemy presses any further, lest they find routes back home.... Now that we say this, we're realizing that would technically solve this entire problem....

An unexplained barrier, barely high enough for a super obese baby to crawl beneath, was discovered off of aisle F36 at the Walmart outside of Meadville. According to sources, the barrier blocks a tiny section that for some unexplained reason could be containing something dangerous, though likely not. Why the five-foot-by-three-foot section has been quarantined is still a question to be answered. Reporters have reached out to Walmart, who immediately hung up the phone, either because they are hiding something, or because of the ridiculous nature of the question. Regardless, locals could not help but crowd around the barrier with anticipation of whatever the nothingness could be. Curiosity about the barrier led to some close calls. A man walking by accidentally dropped his keys within the perimeters of the structure. For fear of the unknown, the man chose not to stick his hand inside to pull the keys out. Fortunately, a woman standing by was able to retrieve a pencil from a nearby shelf and lured it into the region that his keys fell into. The pencil was temporarily stuck for as long as it took for her to immediately pull it out, but she managed to get the keys nonetheless. Onlookers, fearing that the crowd was getting too close to the zero-inch-deep pit, immediately called authorities to take control of the situation. Crowds were dispersed and no one has fallen into the temporary abyss. Looks like our AI alteration of this photo got the barrier kicked asside.... Just pretend this didn't happen so the next paragraph makes sense.... Although Walmart has not commented on the situation, authorities did not hesitate to reach out to the manager and inform them that they must fill in the section as soon as they can. Despite no comment, experts believe Walmart will comply to avoid potential lawsuits from people who fall in.

Political leaders representing Washington County met with Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh to negotiate the lowering of the cannons in Canonsburg. According to sources, tensions have existed between the neighboring counties of Washington and Allegheny ever since the cannons have pointed north. Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh and self-declared president of Allegheny County threatened to stop the exports of steel to Washington County if the cannons were not turned southward toward West Virginia. With the price of musket balls at an all-time high, Washington County elected to move the cannons to the capital of Washington to set up their defenses there. They would have just turned the cannons around, but then they would have been pointed directly at their capital of Washington, making the circumstance more dangerous to them. In case you haven't read maps Washington and Allegheny have had great relations for several years. The loss of trade in steel and white wigs could cripple the economic structure of the southwestern Pennsylvania region. Allegheny County depends on the importation of ugly wigs from Washington County for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Similarly, Washington County depends on the importation of steel to keep the tradition alive of making cannons and muskets for no reason whatsoever. Cannonsburg can finally continue producing cannons that serve no purpose but to continue looking ridiculous at the edge of their town. Peace has once again been achieved between two southwestern Pennsylvania superpowers, who really are not very super.

The recent attack by Warren County on the city of Tionesta has led to speculations that County War 1 is inevitable. Tionesta, the capital of Forest County, had sent their troops to the border on Route 227, just outside of Pleasantville, to secure the entry point in case of an attack by East Crawford. East Crawford has invaded Venango County, laying siege to the north side of Oil City. At this time, Forest County has fallen victim to a recent attack by the Warren County Air Force, who dropped diapers on the capital of West Forest County, which is Tionesta. Newly elected Mayor Fishhook of Tionesta announced his intent to send one of the two military men into Warren County in an attempt to retaliate against the regime that bombed his capital city. To help further the war efforts, a request has been made to Marienville, capital of East Forest County, to send one of their troops to support the fight. The Forest County military is armed with the finest fishing poles this side of Western Pennsylvania. Infiltrating Warren County will not be easy, since they too are big on fishing. Nonetheless, Forest County feels that a direct retaliation will cause the nation of Warren County to see the power that is Forest. The Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization, otherwise known as PLATO, has not responded to Sunday's attack in Tionesta due to the ongoing conflict in Oil City. Mercer has said that they will send fabrics and textile materials as military aid. Unfortunately, Mercer will be of little help beyond providing those resources as they are currently devastated by a recent pizza that blew up at one of their church gatherings. With several counties in northwestern Pennsylvania now in the conflict, we have yet to find if East Crawford and Warren are in collaboration against the treaty of PLATO. Forest has joined the fight, Jefferson has sent groundhogs to Venango County, and northwestern civilization is about to face it's greatest test.

It has been several days since the conflict with East Crawford escalated to Oil City’s north side falling under siege. In that period, the biggest question haunting Venango County is whether or not their military will realize that they were surpassed while they were sleeping. Attempts to get word to the troops on the front lines have failed due to Route 8 being blocked by East Crawford’s military and their heavy spitball artillery. Since then, the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization has banded together to support Venango County in defending the cause of liberty for the Venango States of America. The next most logical route to get to the troops on the front line is to go the long way on 227 through Forest County. Tionesta, capital of West Forest County, has had good relations with Venango County for several decades and would willingly allow Venango’s personnel to get word to their troops by that route. The only barrier standing in the way of Venango County would first be Titusville itself, which is heavily fortified. Secondly, Venango County would have to pass through their own town of Pleasantville, which frankly is repulsive in its own right. Pleasantville is so distasteful, in fact, that Venango County placed it on routes that must go through East Crawford and Forest for it to be reached, in an attempt to get it as far away from the rest of Venango County as possible. With options limited and time running short, Venango County has found no plan they believe would be successful in reaching their military. Desperation has come upon the PLATO Treaty, and the only hope rests on anyone with the mind and resources that would be most effective in this situation. In a press briefing today, the most unlikely candidate announced a plan that was genius enough to work. What was thought to be a useless county in the PLATO Treaty may turn out to be the most resourceful in the dilemma Venango County faces. Mayor Phil of Punxsutawney, capital of Jefferson County, announced today that he would be willing to supply his men, who are experienced in burrowing their homes underground. With Jefferson County consisting of a population of groundhogs, the experience of digging beneath the earth makes them the perfect candidate in surpassing the East Crawford military by way of tunnels. Mayor Blunders of Oil City, and self-declared President of Venango County, has enthusiastically expressed his excitement for the genius nature of Mayor Phil’s plan. It seems Venango County has hope after all with the mutated humans that have been given genetic groundhog digging capabilities. Now, it seems, Venango County has an advantage that can only be foiled if something dumb were to happen, such as the media leaking this information. Oh dear.

West Crawford, known as western Pennsylvania’s most romantic community, will no longer have the luxury of speaking in their eloquent French accents after an unknown assailant polluted the French Creek water supply. The discovery was made at 8:15 this morning, when one of the town’s most charming personalities went to take a drink from the famous French Creek. After taking a sip, his French accent instantly turned into the repulsive British dialect, therefore making him significantly less attractive to the women in his town. “I am so disgruntled by the sudden, unexpected alteration to my esteemed French accent,” states the man who recently changed his name to Chadwick Roosevelt. “I once was one that you might say wooed the ladies. Now I sound exactly like a professor from Oxford.” What one might see as a harmless prank will now act as the most devastating change in Western Crawford culture. A community that prides itself on eloquent romance will now have to transition into an intellectual society. Many residents are choosing not to drink from the creek for fear that they’ll become smart. Unfortunately, the French accent only lasts a maximum of two days, giving residents a small window to enjoy their final romances before they fade away. “We just finished constructing our monument to commemorate our French heritage,” states Mayor Dogfood of Meadville. “Now we have to tear it down and swap it with a monument reflective of our British bloodline.” Meadville's recent construction in the distance Mayor Dogfood is preparing to step down from his role as mayor if a solution cannot be found. Given that French Creek may permanently become British Creek, the county once known for its democratic leadership will slowly transition into a monarchy. Whether run by a Queen Elizabeth or a King Richard, no one truly knows. First, every resident of West Crawford must get rid of their French-sounding names to become English once again. The transition is hard, with only the West Crawford Military truly having it easy. With most of it consisting of German shepherds, anything is better than their hideous, spit-filled grunts.

Another incident involving a pizza has Erie under the watch of several counties. According to sources, a fish fry taking place Sunday afternoon ended badly with sauce flying in several directions. At least 20 people had their Sunday shirts stained as well as their newly purchased slacks while trying to prepare their fish and loaves. Authorities say that this is the worst case of pizza bombing they have seen in decades. The Mercer Bureau of Investigation, otherwise known as MBI, arrived on the scene several minutes after the detonation. Investigations revealed that the pizza bomb contained shrapnel similar to what had exploded in Meadville less than a week prior. The shrapnel consisted of pizza dough, pepperoni, cheese, and sauce, the same contents one would find in a pizza. Once again, no one present was hurt, but several individuals found themselves mourning the loss of newly acquired clothes that they purchased at their local mall. With button-up shirts at an all-time high, locals speculate that Erie intentionally performed this act hoping that others would travel to their county to acquire their attire. So far, these speculations have gone unverified, and Erie County is denying any connection to the recent pizza bombings. Investigations are underway, with Erie County being the primary suspect. Erie is the pizza explosive capital of the world, generating millions on the pizza black market. Whether political or mafia-related, the United Counties of Western Pennsylvania are taking this matter more serious than they did before they were taking it serious.

The mayor of Punxsutawney and self-declared president of Jefferson County is calling on Mayor Dambuilder of Aliquippa in Beaver County to support PLATO in the war efforts against East Crawford and Warren County. This came after a week of conflict escalated between the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization versus the counties of East Crawford and Warren. The mayor of Aliquippa and self-declared president of Beaver County has stated several times that he has no interest in joining PLATO. According to Mayor Dambuilder, his objectives strictly reside in the southwestern section of Pennsylvania, with political matters associated to counties closer to his own. The former preferences laid out by Mayor Dambuilder has not stopped Mayor Phil from emphasizing his desire for Beaver County to join in on the conflict. According to Mayor Phil, his relationship with Beaver County is as good as what you would expect from one herbivore to another. Unfortunately, Mayor Dambuilder states that his relationship with Mayor Phil is strictly political and cannot be influenced by similar sentiments as munching on weeds. Mayor Dambuilder and Mayor Phil munching on grass at the 2026 inter-county prayer breakfast. The escalation of the war with East Crawford and Warren will likely take turns that cannot be predicted. It is not yet known if Warren’s attack on Forest County was associated with East Crawford’s invasion of Oil City. What can be determined is that the diapers they dropped on Tionesta, Pennsylvania, are still leaving a dastardly smell. Meanwhile, East Crawford’s invasion of Oil City has resulted in several snowballs covering the streets in snow debris.

A local property investor is being hailed as a hero by people who have no perception of business strategy. According to sources, several properties have become the center of controversy over a bold business model that involves buying buildings and making absolutely no use of them. In Oil City's desperate state, hope for success depends heavily on trying something bizarre that has not been tried before. No one in the history of our planet has ever thought to purchase a large chunk of business real estate and use it to sell nothing. This certainly is what the doctor ordered; a pill marked with the label "suicide." Despite this entrepreneur having the very small window of 6 years to put businesses in his buildings, Oil City seems desperate to push him to work quicker. This seems wildly impatient considering Marshals, BFS, and Dairy Queen managed to build their structures and open up in Seneca within a few months. How Oil City can expect this man to accomplish such a task in 6 years is beyond us. The nerve of Oil City! Not waiting 20 years is unheard of considering that in a span of 30 years, they have done nothing worthwhile themselves. Nonetheless, they have cited the man and even gone so far as to condemn his buildings because of unaddressed structural issues. The story is well known, but for the sake of catching uninformed readers up; a New Jersey man bought several properties on Oil City's north side in 2020 during COVID. His self proclaimed goal was to help preserve the historical properties and potentially revitalize Oil City. His solution? Like every other person who can't think outside the box, he wanted to serve food.... As if the welfare residents on the north side can afford the restaurants we have now.... We'll get to this later... Preserving the historical authenticity is an interesting motivation to accompany letting the buildings turn to ruins. Is the man hoping the broken down structures will become America's first Athens? Nope... He actually wanted the community to fix it. The brilliant initiative did not come with budgets to pay professionals to fix his buildings. Instead, he just asked people to volunteer. I think free means he doesn't do workmans comp... Yeah.... How you initially convinced anyone to take on this beast for free is beyond me... No wonder they have a problem with you... I'm no brainiac. But I imagine that impatience is exactly why we are at this point. Nobody likes to work for free. Logically, you should have bought one building, used the extra money you invested in other buildings to instead fix your first purchase, brought in a business, and then saved to buy the next building. This way you slowly progress in fixing the area; Nobody gets ticked that you are asking them to work for free. Oil City has very little money. Our brightest ideas come in the form of asking poor people to show up to community events. Recently, a local enthusiast expressed her frustration to me stating that "if you don't show up, you have no right to complain..." Hmmmmm.... I wonder why they neglected to put that in there????? What if my complaint is over how dumb your community event is? I'm not talking about this year specifically. Bridge Fest was great. Light Up Night falling on a First Friday made the town a buzz. Obviously some events are working in a positive way. However, I have seen my fair share of events that sucked in Venango County. When working for the radio station in 2019, I had to cover an event in Clintonville whose most exciting attraction was cornhole. Imagine being in my shoes, sounding like an idiot hyping up cornhole... "You probably have never tried this phenomenal game consisting of bags of corn tossed into a hole. It's not like Venango County has rednecks." We do too have a right to complain even if we choose not to show up. If then revival ideas are dumb, we can complain about how this town lacks imagination. The gall of people to say we can't complain if we don't show up. If we didn't complain, we would be hypocrites for raising frustrations about these downtown properties that have been sitting for six years. The only irony is that with these citations, Oil City seems to be acting like these buildings were not already crumbling beforehand. Oh look... It's a quote from one of your city officials back in 2020 cited by Venango Extra.... He sounds so positive about the purchase too... You mean the buildings had problems before he purchased them? I mean, yeah, he is responsible to fix them as the owner. But why are we acting like we haven't neglected them for years? Furthermore, why are we acting like one New Jersey guy's negligence is holding the town back when all of these properties, not just his own, have absolutely no businesses functioning inside of them? Wait... What does that one window say???? Agreed. A heart with several blood clots is still a heart. You can't argue with that! Oil City has been declining for years with buildings vacant long before some guy from New Jersey thought to buy more property than he could handle. The Southside has a few examples with one of them not marked condemned. This is despite the building looking like it needs run over with a tank. That fire escape looks like an inescapable death trap Your crumbling Catholic Church is considered a historical landmark. The scaffolding brilliantly depicts our efforts to preserve something we don't have money to fix. Why don't we have the money? Maybe because we invested an 88 thousand dollar grant on bridge lights and another 200 thousand on a fountain that remains covered most the year. Our initiative in attracting tourists certainly gives Mount Rushmore a run for its money. People in Pittsburgh must be stoked to want to come here. "I hear Oil City discovered this new technology called LED and installed it on their bridge." The Main Street Program seems convinced people talk that way.... Known by who? Captivating compared to what? You've never seen lights before???? So famously known indeed. How could anyone outside of Oil City not know these lights exist? After all, we basically discovered electricity. Oil City has no imagination or patience to do things the right way. Tourists rarely become interested in a small town overnight. Unless you have an out of this world concept like Mount Rushmore, you need to invest your money in building blocks that make sense. My recommendation? A giant monument depicting a middle finger on our highest mountain. Hey! If we can draw millions to South Dakota’s ugly mountains by breaking a treaty and carving white, slave-owning presidents into the side of it, you can’t get offended by this. Plus, it’s obviously unique and bizarre enough, you know people would come to see it! Ok, so you don't want to be known as the middle finger town. Well, you can go the slow, wise route. But it does require swallowing that ego of yours. Oil City has some restrictions that make no freaking sense in a generation where online shopping is the dominant market. I get you want your town to look pretty. The problem is, you first need the funds for the upkeep. You don't have it! Our friend from New Jersey who is letting buildings go to waste apparently has citations for warehousing items. According to his attorney, they are renovation supplies. The city thinks otherwise. I personally, however, don’t care. I’m more curious as to why people are not allowed to warehouse in a town that looks like crap. Oil City, your warehouses that made this area thrive are on the outskirts of Rouseville, and they are not being used to the same potential they once were. Some of them have become fields with weeds taking over. You don't possess industry employing people with high demand products. You aren't exporting valuable items to bring cash into the county. This claim is evident by the famous PSA we hear when people say "support your local businesses" or "keep money in the community." If we had industry, you would never have to say either of those things. You are not ready to beautify the town. You first need industry. Get some money first, and then beautify the town when you have the funds to keep up with it. A warehouse business doesn’t have to stay in the city forever. Just long enough to create a bigger factory and more jobs. Of course, you, Oil City, have always been the type to focus on beauty while overlooking the ugly that is right in front of you…. Hopefully we can cover this up with bridge lights It’s not just the city either. These buildings within a few miles of Oil City sat for years before being occupied in recent years.... These ones have sat vacant as well. There's so many, some struggle to stand out in this collage! Some buildings have been destroyed. Can someone explain why they knocked down this building but left the staircase? Either the bottom fell off, or the guy they were intended for has really long calves. You can get mad at some guy for buying a bunch of decaying buildings. But lets stop pretending our city had any original ideas in mind. Every time someone talks about a new business opening up, it always winds up being another restaurant. You think it's creating jobs? Yeah, minimum wage. Yay! More high turnovers! Don't get me wrong. I love some of the new businesses that have come up in the last several years. I love the business owners I have met. The Oil City Exchange has an owner I can tell is uneasy about my humor, but he is incredibly welcoming every time I come in. The owners of Cork N Screw Wines have a sense of humor much like the Venango Republic. They have a seasonal drink that remains the same all four seasons. It also comes with a free duck. These people are awesome! Billy's has a great venue for concerts and family outings. Also, I want to mention that every time there is a community event, your current mayor is there whether it sucks or not. That speaks volumes to his passion for the town and desire to see it become successful. I say that as one who does not share his party affiliation. I'm not stereotyping everyone in town. There are people who share these frustrations. Voicing them is not a hindrance to the success for Oil City. Silencing it, however, is exactly what keeps us from progressing. You have great businesses that are forced to stay closed for the first half of the week. Wouldn't you love to have them open all seven days? The Exchange has a burger to die for. I might want to stop in on a Monday. The problem is, they currently can't justify being opened that day because the demand isn't there. Did you not get the memo? Much of the north side is on welfare.... You have big visions, Oil City. You are about to construct a hotel with an outlook over the river and bandstand park. These aren't bad things. The problem is, you need more. It's not enough for people to know that oil once existed here. Yeah, you can brag about the history. Up on the hill, you have a lot of history mentioned on a board outside of town. Based on the lack of footprints, I doubt many people read this, though.... Yeah, Charlie Chaplin started his career here. You can brag about that. But how do you brag about the fact that he left and never came back after becoming successful? You can't depend on the past to draw people back. You need to eventually embrace modernism. Oil City has neglected that for years. The New Jersey guy's negligence is just someone to pass the blame onto. Not to say he isn't responsible for keeping up with those buildings. But we can stop pretending we had vision before and after he came. In 2020, one of our county commissioners had the gall to stand in front of people on Light Up Night and declare, "people are coming back..." The numbers don't lie.... Yup, when you exclude everyone who is leaving, some people might have come back. Who knows? Stop the denial! Start getting original! We need more than small-town business to draw people back. As great as you want to paint this city out to be just because it used to be, sweeping our problems under the rug doesn't make you more of a positive person. It makes you a liar. Last year, I was blocked from the Venango Happenings page for sharing an article about how our most common attempts at revitalizing the area come in the form of craft stores. You can thank that stubbornness for the lack of progress we see. We try to be so positive, we can't even take a joke pointing out ironies that are holding us back. They're right, you know... I should have just posted the statue of the middle finger. That would have been way less offensive.... Get real about the challenge you're facing, Venango. You're right. Complaining fixes nothing. Denying reality doesn't either. I was an aspiring comedian who moved here from Lancaster. I spent seven years complaining, lost a marriage and significant time with my children. You know what made the difference? When I stopped complaining about what was holding me back and asked myself what I could be doing. I might not be able to go to night clubs anymore, but I can still write comedy. The Venango Republic became that outlet. It's true that there are negative Nancy's doing nothing to change this region. There's also overly positive people who can't take reality without taking offense. I wish we had a middle-ground mindset that said, "this is reality and I can take hearing the facts. I can also joke about them while making the most of what I have." That's what I did with the Venango Republic, and that's what each person passionate to make a change should be doing. Get creative, be real, take criticism, and take action. Maybe progress will come in time. Or maybe we will have to become content with being a welfare town.

We are no longer looking at a minor scrum between neighboring counties. PLATO's role in the war with East Crawford has escalated to an inter-county crisis, as Warren attacks Forest County by dropping diapers on its western capital of Tionesta. The event took place at about 6:55 p.m. Saturday evening. Cheap drones that one would buy from the Dollar General navigated over the city of Tionesta with what seemed to be dirty diapers hanging beneath them. The drones moved in a circle for roughly 50 seconds before finding a target and releasing the diapers. Eyewitnesses say that one of the diapers took out Mildred's mailbox on the main stretch near the center of town. The seven residents of Tionesta were taken by surprise, with no warning to take cover in their bomb shelters. Once the diapers hit the ground, they released a stench into the air that had not been smelled since a fisherman left his catch out for an entire week. Witnesses say that soldiers from Warren could be seen retreating shortly after the city was nuked. Experts say that the diapers were prepared by being left to spoil for at least nine months. Consequently, the economic status of the town has dropped significantly, making it half as desirable to visit on a fishing trip. It is unclear if this attack was orchestrated in collaboration with the recent invasion of Venango County by East Crawford. Currently, the north section of Oil City is under siege by two soldiers armed with snowballs and spitball launchers. Warren County is a longtime ally of East Crawford, making this attack likely associated as a declaration of war against PLATO. Forest and Warren County have a long history of schisms, motivated by their differentiating government structures. While Warren likes to fish with a beer in a cup holder on the boat, Forest County prefers beer to be attached to a hat with a straw connected to the mouth. Additionally, Warren prefers Shimano fishing poles, contrary to Forrest, who prefers G. Loomis brand. War is officially upon the northwestern Pennsylvania region. Plans are set in motion for Tionesta to retaliate. While it is not confirmed, we may be looking at County War I.

The war with East Crawford has devastated the northern side of Venango County. As the fate of Oil City remains unclear, several questions haunt the citizens with no certainties to ease their concerns. Among these concerns is the question of whether Venango's military will realize their mistake of letting East Crawford sneak past them during their nap. Others wonder if East Crawford will change the name of Oil City's northside to “Tiny Titusville.” But above every fear, there lingers one question that has yet to be addressed: where is the Venango County Air Force? The Venango County Air Force, based out of the Franklin Airport, has state-of-the-art paper airplanes readily available. Why they have not taken part in the conflict is a wonder to everyone. Mayor Blunders of Oil City has the ultimate say in what branch of military takes action at what time. Experts agree that bombarding Titusville with paper airplanes could cause the East Crawford military to withdraw. But Mayor Blunders has not given such an order. The negligence in question will more than likely open Mayor Blunders up to public scrutiny if the war does not turn its tide in a direction that favors Venango County. With Titusville having a much more advanced arsenal of military weapons, Venango cannot afford to spare any methods for the sake of fear. Blunders must make his move now, or the price could be dire.

The war between East Crawford and Venango County has escalated to measures that were not expected so soon. Just last week, a soldier from the East Crawford military crossed the border claiming one square foot of land. In response, Mayor Blunders of Oil City sent two-thirds of the Venango County military to secure the border. Within days, East Crawford's military crossed again when the two soldiers from the Venango County military were asleep. After stealing the Venango soldiers' roller skates, East Crawford made their way to Oil City and have now laid siege to the north side of town. If not for the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization, otherwise known as PLATO, Venango County would be defenseless. The third and only military member of Venango County, still residing in Oil City, is nine-year-old Timmy, who spends most of his weekdays in school. With a curfew that he's been trying to convince his mother to change, Timmy has been little help in the war against East Crawford. Consequently, Venango has had to request aid from West Crawford and Clarion County , who have sent several soldiers armed with Meow Mix, Puppy Chow, and Clarion University textbooks. PLATO treaty marked by blue counties Defenses have been established on the south side of Oil City, with Veterans Bridge heavily fortified by soldiers sent by Meadville, which is the capital of West Crawford. On the other side, Clarion County military has stacked several university textbooks at the crossing point of Petroleum Bridge and Route 8 in order to cut East Crawford off from reaching Franklin, Pennsylvania, and the businesses on the four lanes. West Crawford military fortifies Veterans Bridge on left. Clarion military enters Oil City on right. The war is at a standstill as of this weekend due to all four counties lacking the budget to pay their soldiers. Venango County has invited the East Crawford military to have pizza and has even agreed to offer them a romantic dinner with their wives on the condition that they do not shoot spitballs at our military during the ceasefire. Meanwhile, in the political arena, the Crawford Carnage reports that Mayor Dumdum of Titusville is promising to send heavier artillery consisting of larger snowballs on Monday. With West Crawford troops and Clarion County troops barely holding their fortifications, larger snowballs are sure to be a devastating blow, given that no county in the PLATO Treaty can figure out how to make one. Even Mayor Blunders is clueless. East Crawford discovered the snowball less than a month ago and is now taking advantage of the advanced technology that PLATO desperately needs to discover. Mayor Blunders of Oil City requested researchers at Venango Campus to research the matter, but they haven't made any progress on producing one themselves. The ceasefire is not a long period of time, but will hopefully give each military a chance to rest before resuming the ridiculous nature of this satirical conflict. The Venango Republic will bring you up-to-date reports as matters become more heated. Because we don't want this to end, you can take our word for it that matters will become more ridiculously heated.