Venango County forces have made their first move in the war with East Crawford. After returning from their week-long nap at the border on Route 8, Laurel and Hardy, who make up 2/3rds of the Venango County Military, attacked the north side of Oil City in an attempt to drive East Crawford out. Consequently, they just drove them further into the county instead. During the week-long absence of the Venango County Military, the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization banded together for the defense of Oil City. West Crawford arrived with five soldiers to protect Veterans Bridge. They have since lost the bridge and were barely holding onto East Front Street before the Venango Military provoked East Crawford. Now, as Venango pushes East Crawford back, East Crawford pushes West Crawford back. The armies are almost up Seneca Hill in the attack/retreat. Meanwhile, the Clarion County Military is being pushed further towards Franklin. East Crawford’s one military man sent to attack Route 8 has progressed as far as Eaten Park. Now the welfare families have nowhere to eat. The Venango County Military has conducted five assaults today. They have bravely stood in the face of spitball fire while losing only one toenail in the engagement. According to sources, Stan Laurel accidentally scraped it on the pavement because he wore flip-flops today. Mayor Blunders of Oil City, and self-declared President of the Venango States of America, has been evacuated to Cranberry’s capital building, which also acts as the so-called “Mall.” Blunders says he intends on fortifying the potholes outside as military trenches and traps to catch the enemy. Soldiers are exhausted, but no lives have been lost to date. With Oil City back in the hands of Venango County, it now seems Seneca and Franklin are at risk of compromise.

A one-legged toy reportedly started going haywire early Sunday for no explained reason. Witnesses state that the toy was on the shelf in the clearance section of the Walmart in Clarion, making random noises. Experts speculate that the subtle movements could be a sign that the object is in pain. Video here . Authorities were notified but hung up shortly after the word "toy" was spoken. Walmart employees deny any knowledge of the object existing, which is a complete lie because we actually did not ask them about it. Several questions linger over the Clarion Walmart. Firstly, the community wants to know if this neglect is normal for them. Secondly, people want to know if they actually intend on selling it now that it is junk. The employees failed to comment because we did not ask them. Much like the severed limb, we figured we would leave these details a mystery. Toy surgeons say that the toy is not likely to make it through the night. A funeral will take place in the trash compactor once they realize nobody wants that crap.

A less than .01% of the population was fooled yesterday when a website selfishly posted an article claiming they were trying to make people laugh. According to sources, The Venango Republic , a self-proclaimed comedy news website, utilized artificial intelligence to generate pictures of the Venango County Coast Guard sailing on Seneca Street. The article went viral with over seventeen hundred views and five shares. What made this article controversial was the way it depicted the Venango County Coast Guard performing acts of service for an emergency that didn’t take place. “The Venango County Coast Guard has so much on their plate as is,” states Mr. Idon’t Exist. “To have a website depict us saving people from half a foot of water is an insult to the hard work we do in this landlocked region.” The Venango Republic has been the center of controversy in the past when it led people to believe that Venango County was seceding from the Union to form the Venango States of America. Their most notorious lies involve saying City Hall is an outhouse, Venango County has a House of Representatives, and that the region classifies as a tenth world country. What makes this site so clever is their dastardly approach to scamming people. Instead of using unrealistic concepts to make their site look fake, they instead have an entire staff consisting of real-life creatures one would see on a regular day. Venango Republic staff What made the Coast Guard article so dangerous was their insensitivity to a situation that did not cause any harm. We’ve been trying to put The Venango Republic out of business for years for this exact reason. They actually painted a half-foot flood on Seneca Street as if it would require the Venango County Coast Guard to come in. This was obviously an attempt to trick people into thinking their lives were in danger. According to one comment, this is insensitive to the outcome that didn’t happen. I don't know... Would they be joking then???? We here at The Venango Republic  are just as frustrated with The Venango Republic  for this outrage. How dare they disrespect the lives that weren’t lost on Seneca Street that day. This woman didn't even cover the other possibilities of what didn't happen. For instance, what if a llama found it's way here, spat in one of the coast guards faces, and caused them to choke to death? What if Genghis Khan miraculously came back to life, took a plane to Venango County, and started sleighing people on his horse? What if the flood waters magically turned into the Leaning Tower of Piza and fell on someone? The Venango Republic is not considering the endless possibilities! Another user also cited the dangers of generating photos with AI. Follow Miss Asf for more tips on how to be miserable.... Agreed… fossil fuels came because of Chat GPT, the one interface adults never use... Another user stood up for the common resident she felt was too stupid to know the article was fake. How common is common sense? She seems to lack confidence in people having it???? Thank you for warning the population that you believe they lack common sense, therefore making it uncommon sense. Also, aparently dying at a location makes that place exempt from humor. Preach! An overflowing toilet should never be joked about because floods make people die even when they don't! Yes, a person sadly faced the misfortune of getting lost in the river. Not funny in any way, shape or form. Now, as it pertainsto this completely unrelated scenario, are you suggesting we not offend the river for fear it might come for us? Nobody talked about Jason but you.... But you're right, if a person died in a certain area, we can't joke about unrelated things that happen in that area even if the victim of the unfortunate event has NOTHING TO DO WITH THE JOKE! WE AREN'T MAKING FUN OF JASON! Just you.... You know what also classifies as a location? Earth.... People have died on that for generations. We should just not joke about anything ever again since everything seems to center on Earth.... No!!!!!! Really????????? We here at the Venango Republic were actually fooled by what the Venango Republic posted! The comment, posted by these genius entrepenuers has us wondering if the Venango County Coast Guard could have possibly not been here at all..... We should reach out and ask this nonexistent organization.... Thank you for flipping the "i" on shit. Oops! Now everyone knows what you meant! One gullible friend suggests a pandemic of several gullible friends. I mean, according to the comment we cited earlier, nobody in Venango County has common sense.... By the way.... What's the big deal???? An old person sees the article and believe it for a short time, you tell them it's a joke, they feel silly for not realizing it, and life moves on? These satiracle writers are animals! How could it ever match your wit? We are confident this man can generate paragraphs of information in seconds when prompted to gaslight someone. What the heck????? We're gonna hit the invite to see if they follow... What are you getting made at us for Main Street Program???? Oh... Yeah.... Well, spend your grants wiser! It's not our fault your pride and joy is an easy target for comedy! The comments were brutal and mercilously called out the hypocrisy of the Venango Republic. But if that wasn't enough, someone even felt it necessary to message the fictional staff directly.... You forgot the "N" in inappropriate Agreed.... We should have just posted porn.... There's also this guy.... Man takes credit for article we wrote while calling it the worst he's ever done... We're kidding. This message was sent back in October after we trashed Explore Clarion for misinformation. It was just too good not to mention. As for the Coast Guard, the Venango Republic has appologized for their reckless reporting. The dumb article utilizing AI to the peril of no one has been denounced as fake. Everyone can finally rest easy knowing our fictional Coast Guard wasn't actually sailing in a half foot flood on Seneca Street.

The Venango County Coast Guard, who famously patrols the waters surrounding the island of Venango County, was called to Oil City after Oil Creek spilled over onto Seneca Street, rising to levels of half a foot. The floods devastated business owners whose front doors were not elevated by a step. Consequently, anyone with a front door at the same level of the sidewalk had a minor inflow of water, causing a tsunami wave effect from the perspective of an ant. Military personnel worked for several minutes to evacuate anyone trapped on the upper floors. Floods were so underwhelming, some business owners found themselves trapped on the roofs of each high rise. Floods took less than an hour to recede back into Oil Creek. The Coast Guard managed to avoid getting stuck on Seneca Street by hollowing out the ground beneath the water. No shellfish died in the process. Business owners trapped in the upper floors were given immediate medical treatment along with food to address their starving state. Several families embraced each other tearfully over the realization that they survived the area’s worst flood in a year. The Coast Guard returned to the Allegheny River, the body of water Mayor Blunders is trying to rename as the “Gulf of Venango.” Locals may have days of work ahead of them. But thanks to our first responders, no lives were lost.

The Nation of Erie is off the hook as it pertains to their political involvement in the recent pizza bombings in Meadville and Mercer. Sources state that the Pizza Cartel has taken credit for a series of several exploding sauce pies that left several shirts stained. Since last week, 7 pizza’s detonated in the cities of Edinboro, Meadville , Conneaut Lake, Fairview, Mercer , and Peach Street. 5 have taken place in the last 24 hours. The outcomes were devastating, with several reports saying that the cheese was a less preferred flavor. Facebook comments: "AI generated!" You're so smart... “Who puts blue cheese on a pizza?” asked one individual who had his face marred by a lump of mold. Taking credit for the recent explosions is Margarette Deisel Myarmsweak, who is known for her genius ability to sound insane. Margarette is considered the kingpin of Italian pasta gangs throughout the Erie Nation. With ties to the Lunchandcheese family in the northwestern PA mafia, Margarette is known for being ruthless, so much that she once put her husband on ice. Margarette posing for Cimes Magazine front page The Mercer Bureau of Investigation, otherwise known as BMI, has put a bounty on Margarette’s head. Bounty pun Unfortunately, she managed to escape after removing the paper towel they placed in her hair. She is at large and must be stopped before the next pizza detonates. If you have information concerning Margarette Deisel Myarmsweak, please call your fictional authorities immediately. Not your real authorities… The fictional ones… The real ones will think you’re insane!

The industrial city of Marienville was taken by surprise yesterday when a convoy of two East Crawford troops entered their borders. According to sources, the defenses surrounding the city were completely unprepared for the onslaught due to the lack of defenses existing. The East Crawford soldiers are believed to have entered by way of Warren County just before heading south towards Marienville. Upon arrival, the convoy did not hesitate to mercilessly take out their lawn chairs and sit down. Residents of Marienville are put off by the siege, stating that the two soldiers are a nuisance to the city. Marienville is famous for their industry of placed children. As northwestern Pennsylvania’s most profitable region in the industry of insourcing delinquents, Marienville cannot afford to have their town compromised by a neighboring enemy. Delinquent behavior modification factory “We were just about to bring in another shipment of poorly disciplined children,” states Mayor Youth Counselor of Meadville. “Our infrastructure depends on Abraxas. We cannot afford to have lazy soldiers setting a bad example for our runners.” With Marienville being the capital of West Forest County, Mayor Youth Counselor is calling on surrounding cities to send whatever troops they have available. Unfortunately, there are no surrounding cities. Mayor Youth Counselor is on his own because he decided to put his town in the middle of the most isolated place in western Pennsylvania. With the war raging on, Marienville will be remembered as the place we forgot. Let’s be honest. This city was not much of a loss even for Forest County.

A horse in Erie, Pennsylvania says that it no longer has ambitions of becoming a seawolf after nearly drowning in Edinboro Lake. According to sources, Ernie Minus Bert of Edinboro Township escaped his home Monday with aspirations to become a “wolf of the sea.” He later discovered that his bodily makeup makes his aspirations nearly impossible. “Everyone has asked me, ‘why not a seahorse?’” Ernie told the press after nearly drowning. “I guess with Seawolves being native to Lake Erie, I thought I would be more proud in becoming one of them.” Ernie’s near-drowning experience came after escaping his stable late Monday evening. With plans to initially go to Lake Erie, Ernie decided he needed to first lay low in a more localized body of water. “I figured that the seawolves of Edinboro would take me in until police stopped looking for me,” Ernie expressed as he shivered in his hospital bed. Ernie did everything he could to get beneath the ice frozen on the lake. What he thought would be a pleasant transition to a world of underwater fun quickly became a fight for survival once he realized he doesn’t have gills. Emergency personnel conveniently showed up just in time to save him. Ernie’s landlords heard Ernie expressing a desire for living underwater. When they realized he was past his curfew, they knew exactly where to look. “We’ve tried to tell Ernie that he doesn’t have the anatomy to be a seawolf,” state Ernie’s landlords. “I guess sometimes people need to find out hard truths on their own.” Ernie plans to continue living at his home in Edinboro once he leaves the hospital. With bed and breakfast at the cost of working on the farm, Ernie states that staying at the stables will keep him out of trouble while he figures out what to do with his future. Ernie’s first day at the stables “I am considering going to medical school to learn how to be a horse doctor,” says Ernie. “If not, there is always a need for horse jockeys at the club.” Ernie’s side gig Whatever the outcome, friends of Ernie can rest assured that he will stay far away from the lakeside.

A 65-year-old Clarion woman is facing misdemeanor charges for what, according to sources, actually classifies as a crime. According to amateur reports, a woman entered the self-checkout section at the Monroe Walmart and paid for her items with a $20 bill she found on the floor. While this seems like a minor incident, Pennsylvania law apparently prohibits using cash in this way without at least making some sort of reasonable effort to find the original owner. Because this classifies as a crime, we decided to be just like the top media news outlet in Clarion and paint this woman out to be the worst person on planet Earth. We here at the Venango Republic are not very good at exaggerating the nature of a minor mistake for the purpose of ridiculing an individual. We really only know how to mock people who defame themselves. For instance, when a person shuts down multiple businesses by running their mouths too much, or when a Bonnie and Clyde consistently steal from restaurants by pretending their order was screwed up. Though this sad excuse for a crime is just as petty as the restaurant incident, it's not like this woman has a reputation preceding her. Plus, Explore Clarion seems confident, that prior to today, they knew the laws surrounding the act of picking up minor denominations in public. Obviously they've never picked up money before because nobody in Clarion has anything more than a penny. Thats why we need Explore Clarion to effectively scold her for us. We want to look to the best examples when it comes to exaggerating minor incidents. We want to look to the people who report a woman swapping shoes at a Goodwill, a man stealing boots from a store, and a minor fender bender being blown up like a major car crash. We look no further than you Explore Nothing. It's really hilarious when you read the Facebook post covering the incident of the $20 mobster. The way they describe her is as one who is in "hot water." Sure Explore Clarion.... Everybody in town is talking bad about her... Not just you.... Funny, considering that news outlets in much more populated areas typically reserve the phrase "hot water" for when a politician says something racist or does something that involves a multi-billion dollar scandal. The way they talk, we're almost surprised that they didn't go to the Justice Department website and search her name in the Epstein files. Oh, and what of the individual who lost thier lifelong fortune stamped with an Andrew Jackson emblem? Well, despite reporting the name of our $20 thief, Explore Clarion didn't even bother to identify the mother of this kidnapped tender. Instead, they referred to them as the "victim." "It was my last hope at a lottery ticket that would get me out of this failing University" They really want to drive home that this poor woman won't make it another day without her $20 fortune, so much that they used the word "victim" six times in their article. See for yourself ! We're happy to have Explore Clarion lebeling local offenders and those on the recieving end of major crimes.... What's that? Their definition is wrong???? You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.... Well, according to this definition, the alleged "victim" of the $20 heist was potentially harmed, injured, killed, or even faced some sort of fatal accident. Unless we're talking about the second definition... Does this apply? In this instance, the woman who negligently left her own $20 bill at the self-checkout was somehow tricked or duped by the 65-year-old woman who came after it was left behind. Obviously she is a Wiccan who sensed the presence of a federal note exiting the mechanical station. She must have used a spell on the bills caretaker before cleverly walking over and finding it nonchalantly. We are onto you spellmaker! Oh, that definition doesn't apply? Well, there's only one definition left. And according to that definition, the woman who negligently left her bill at the self-checkout classifies as an offering unto the Lord... Who knows what would happen to her if she lived in Jerusalem. Those rabbis have no regard for undefiled lambs. I don't know about you people, but I don't think any of these definitions are applying to our victim. The woman can't be a dead sacrifice because she managed to report the matter after becoming the victim. This makes their victimhood unvictimized.... According to explore nothing, our poor victim could not bear being separated from her $20 fortune much more than 20 minutes. She just had to go to the police, who, to our surprise, actually performed an investigation. Now, if we can just get this same service when reporting porch pirates around Christmas! We're very thrown off here. The city's probably spending that much in gas money just to drive around to get all the reports. Why are we wasting tax dollars on this????? Ladies and gentlemen, we're sorry. Explore Clarion is right. By definition, this is a crime in Pennsylvania. We here at the Venango Republic are very ashamed for mocking how serious they take this horrible offense. How dare we not take this serious? How dare we treat this as a minor incident when there are so many other minor incidents, like this man being referenced on the Philadelphia police website? Stop exaggerating Philly! At least you don't have $20 losses! Or this good Samaritan in the Erie news, who, for some reason, they wanted to put on death death row last year. Poor victim facing jail time.... And how dare we make this incident as light as this other harmless situation involving men trying to make a living off alcohol... They probably drunk.... Wait a second. What does that say at the bottom of the picture????? That's just a made up phrase! Huh. What are "editorial standards?????" Well, if it's no big deal to Explore Clarion, I guess we shouldn't care. Explore Clarion is right. This woman is a horrible individual. According to their article, the best excuse she could come up with for the police is that she saw the bill on the floor and thought that it fell out of her pocket. As we all know, it's completely inconceivable that a $20 bill would fall out of someone's pocket in Walmart. So why in the world would she think this inconceivable incident would happen to her? Obviously, she's making excuses to avoid consequences for this wretched crime! We've all been to restaurants that refuse to refund our $50 meals when we accuse the waiters of offering bad service. Unfortunately, this is Western Pennsylvania, where $20 is considered a lot of money. Places like Walmart and Explore Clarion clearly understand the importance of preserving those funds long enough for locals to get their next welfare check. It's a great thing we took our time to demonize this 65-year-old woman who probably doesn't even know how to use a phone.... I mean she's not a millennial.... Thank goodness she probably doesn't have enough patience for a phone, or she'd probably come across that stupid article written by our amateur news source. Watch out, Clarion County. The woman who picked up a $20 bill is coming for your condo

The Venango County Military has successfully arrived in Oil City after receiving word that their defenses were compromised. According to sources, Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County Military began making their way back to the County Capital after learning of their blunder in letting the enemy surpass them. The two soldiers reportedly turned back a half hour after leaving their post on Route 8. Sources say that in the process of rushing to Oil City, they forgot to pick up their weapons. Laurel and Hardy retrieved their spitball launchers the second time around and have since arrived at the northside Seneca Street Bridge. With Clarion County's military pushed back to the car dealerships outside of Franklin, the only defenses remaining in Oil City are the West Crawford troops. Laurel and Hardy are now tasked to decide if both of them should split, or face one of the enemies head on together. With how clumsy they are, it would arguably be best if they just stayed out of the way. West Crawford’s military has held strong against East Crawford. With Veterans Bridge compromised, the battle of Oil City is looking grim. Rations are low ever since East Crawford drove West Crawford from their Meow Mix barrier. Nonetheless, Mayor Blunders of Oil City is confident that PLATO will succeed, just as he was confident secession from the Union was a good idea.

A local dollar tree is facing financial hardship, so much that they are unable to replace the lighting in their store. According to sources, several bulbs have burned out, leaving the store with only enough to cover two thirds of their building. The financial hardship facing the dollar tree has gradually come to light over the last few years. What once was a center hub for people who only posessed dollar bills, now has become a hangout spot for people who can afford a dollar and a couple of quarters. For this reason, a petition has been made to change the name of the store to the dollar twenty five through dollar fifty store..... I mean, the dollar twenty five through dollar seventy five store.... I mean, 2 Below.... Oh come on! You're now just a green version of Five Below?????? Fine.... We will just call you Money Doesn't Grow on Trees. The tree that struggles to make a dollar states that their lighting is not a major concern. With prices exceeding what used to be a set standard, management says they're likely to make more sales if people can't see the cost.

In the week leading up to this point, Venango County has been compromised by two East Crawford troops. The enemy laying seige to Oil City’s northside surpassed the Venango County military checkpoint when border patrol was sleeping. Venango's capital of Oil City lost communication when the carrier pigeon was cooked for breakfast. Mayor Blunders of Oil City called for the aid of the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization, who sent troops from West Crawford, Clarion, and Jefferson County. In that time, the biggest question haunting locals is whether or not the Venango County military men would wake up and discover their roller skates missing. Several things prevented Oil City from sending word to the Venango County front lines. For one, access toRoute 8 has beenblocked by the siege. Attempts to push through have been met with spitballs and a new weaponry Titusville refers to as snowballs. An alternative route would involve going the long way through Forest County by way of Pleasantville. This however, requires entering into East Crawford through their capital city of Titusville. It seemed hopeless for Venango County until the least expected member of PLATO chimed in. Mayor Phil of Punxsutawney, capital of Jefferson County, sent word to Mayor Blunders that help was on the way. His plan? An elite task force of groundhogs who specialized in burrowing under the ground. This branch of military, known as Tunnel Hogs, were tasked with digging beneath Venango County's fragile soil to bypass East Crawford's lines. Later, the troops would resurface outside of Titusville to establish contact. We have just received word via carrier pigeon that the Jefferson County military surfaced on Dewey Road just off of Route 8 to discover Venango County's military personnel comfortably resting in their sleeping bags. The two military men state that they did not notice their roller skates were missing, primarily because they thought they had pawned them off prior to leaving Oil City. Official radar view of Dewey Rd The Venango soldiers are making haste to Oil City's north side as fast as their feet can carry them. Although it would be more efficient to tunnel beneath the ground with Jefferson County's military, Oliver Hardy can't fit in the hole, and Stan Laurel refuses to leave his lifelong friend's side. Consequently, they have decided to travel back by way of Route 8, where they will meet the East Crawford military head-on, in the hopes of not chickening out.

A man has reportedly experienced an unexpected genetic mutation after taking a sip from a church sink. According to sources, which we made up, Harkthe Harold of Franklin Pennsylvania, mutated into an unslayable superior being just moments after attempting to quench his thirst at the River of Life Church in Cochranton. Witnesses say that Harold discovered his immunity to death when a child ran out of the nursery and nearly stabbed him with a pair of scissors after tripping on the rug. Harold's stomach remained unpunctured. After this, he had become a steel-walking beefcake. Harold has since tested his newfound abilities in much riskier manners. Recently, Harold asked a friend to shoot a bullet into his heart to see if it would bounce off of his chest. To Harold's surprise, the BB didn't even puncture his shirt, suggesting that his immunity could influence the physical properties of items he touches. Scientists are trying to determine what has given the River of Life Church sink properties of immortal serum. Lab results show that the liquidation flowing from the countertop is merely a plain form of liquid that can be best described as unfiltered water. Congregation members at the River of Life Church state that they have drank from the sink for decades, with no genetic mutation resulting from partaking. Scientists believe that if there is any legitimacy to the superpowers Mr. Harold has discovered, then it must be associated with his body type and his DNA. For Mr. Harold, the sudden realization that he will live forever is a bag of mixed feelings. On one hand, he's excited to know that he will never die and continue helping his fellow man in whatever way he is capable of doing. On the other hand, he is saddened that others cannot share in the gift that he's received from drinking from the sink. Harold knows that one day, everyone he knows will die off and he will continue living forever, regretting that he ever took a sip from the sink at the River of Life Church in Cochranton.