It's been several weeks since the Granny Award ceremony took place in Shippenville, Pennsylvania. In that time, many people have simply forgotten about some of the nonsensical things that were stated at the region’s weirdest gathering. Not the local bald eagle population, however. Reports say that bald eagles all throughout the region are demanding Willy Eyelash give up her nest after making her controversial comments about eagles and the land that was stolen from them. Consequently, the eagle population finds it ironic that Eyelash lives in a nest of her own with a value that exceeds what most eagles can afford. The comment that rocked the community came when Eyelash stated, "No one is an eagle on stolen land." Most of the audience had no clue what she was talking about and chose to clap anyway. Not the eagles, however. They were furious. "I'm an eagle," states Mr. Born Bald. "Is she suggesting I don't exist just because the settlers stole this land from us?" It was later discovered that Eyelash has a nest valued at over seven hundred dollars. That is more money than the average Clarion resident takes home in a decade. Her nest also features a human-sized bird bath, a bird feeder bar, and the most expensive bird seed one can buy from Tractor Supply. Meanwhile, the eagle population is forced to settle for mice they hunt with their bare claws. "I don't get a paycheck with the food I hunt for," Born Bald told the media. "My kids also get first serving. Plus, if I can't find any food, my older children eat the weakest child!" Meanwhile, Willy Eyelash continues to enjoy her nest on the tallest tree in Clarion. She has wide open space and an observation deck featuring a roof in case it rains. All this after pretending eagles no longer exist.

An anti-social protester raised his voice today against the act of personal engagements. At 7 a.m. Thursday morning, the man, identified as Iwas Homeschooled, stood on a street corner holding a sign that said “NO MORE SOCIALIZING.” We attempted to get a statement, but he wouldn’t let us come close. Other protesters joined the anti-socialist by standing on their own street corners. One man was so passionate, he drove all the way out to the woods to voice his perspective. He wound up yelling at the trees. Every passerby seemed to get the point, given that nobody came close when he started holding his sign. Nonetheless, pro-socializers were reportedly put off and formed their own rally to counter his anti-social movement. As angry as they appear, they were quick to congregate our way due to their love of people. This made it easier to read their signs. Both sides of the argument found advantages and disadvantages to their approach of protesting against the opposition. For the anti-socializers, it became overwhelming when the united pro-socializers screamed at them from the other side of the street. However, the choice to not unite acted as an advantage, given that they were more spread out, increasing the difficulty of the pro-socializers' attempt to silence them. In the end, no minds were changed. The anti-social movement, which pro-socializers say is a growing concern, remained unmoved in their decision to stand against community gatherings. On the flip side, pro-socializers say that they will continue to meet and will not let the anti-social people ruin their liberty of being social. When asked if they fear backlash from the anti-social people, the pro-socializers said that they had none, due to the fact that the anti-social people would have to step into a socializing situation in order to disrupt their community gatherings. In an attempt to increase anti-social awareness, Mr. Iwas Homeschooled has released a new anti-social media app where members can create an account with the impossibility of connecting with other people. The app he is releasing is called FacelessBook. It will feature a platform where individuals can express thoughts and comment on their own statuses as if to have a conversation with themselves. With tensions rising over various political dilemmas, the anti-social movement is one of the more prominent issues being discussed right now. Reports say that several cities have already seen an uptick in individuals standing on street corners voicing out against interactions between people. Officials say that in first half of 2026, this has inarguably become one of the greatest social issues.

If you are reading this, it means you aren't dead. Congratulations on making it this far through the winter. In honor of your crowning achievement, the city of Erie has announced plans to award you 250 houses in the next five years. There's only one catch; it falls somewhere between now and the next five years. Infinite Erie gathered recently to discuss a plan to address the homeless dilemma plaguing people who are homeless. Their solution; use state funding to produce affordable housing over the next five years. Whether the houses will be affordable in five years greatly depends on whether they will be affordable in five years. What we can determine, however, is that the future is uncertain. Who knows what nut case will take office in 2028? Economics is only as sustainable as whoever the heck makes it sustainable. Meanwhile, Erie's homeless population continues to live in the cold. We're sure this is not such a big deal given the locals have evolved to survive below zero temperatures. We're sure their mutated bodies can handle five years of wind chill before the city gives them a house. Of course, if the economy tanks and the homeless population doubles by then, you will be right back to where you started in 5 years. On the other hand, if the city starts to thrive in such a way that the homeless are no longer homeless, you would have built 250 houses for no reason. Affordability greatly depends on the political powers that be and the type of job they are doing. We would like to promise that what classifies as affordable housing now will still classify in five years. Unfortunately, if an American Kim Jong Un gets elected in 2028, we can't promise you won't be struggling to get a mortgage on a cardboard box. Building more houses sounds great. We're just trying to figure out where all the houses went that you had before. Reports suggest that the homeless population is a consistent concern. Coincidentally, the overall population is decreasing by the thousands. Are people taking their houses with them when they move away? Or are you just destroying them right after people leave? Sounds like you could give these people a house just by using the ones people are leaving behind. One thing we know for sure is that Erie is an ideal place to go when you are homeless. It may get cold, but the lake effect ensures there's enough snow to build your own igloo. Yes, very attractive. People are looking at Erie and saying "I want to build my homelessness there." Like building your own igloo? For a city that builds it's economy on nonprofits to help the poor, it's ironic it takes forever for the city to deliver such services. I'm not saying that building 250 houses is a quick process. I am just saying that building 250 livable spaces doesn't take five years. Why in the world is the Inifinite Erie nonprofit proposing a longterm solution to something that can be resolved much quicker? Does the word "infinite" suggest things have to take an infinite amount of time? I guess we have to ask the guy with a frost bitten foot.

The technological advancements pertaining to East Crawford’s space program have progressed even further with a substance propelling test rockets to higher altitudes. Reports from the Crawford Carnage state that scientists at the University of Titusville have discovered the benefits of increasing the black powder contents by a slight percentage. A test launch early Wednesday morning resulted in progress not before seen by TASA scientists. The rocket managed to make it an entire 40 feet above the Earth’s surface before hitting a tree branch and falling to the ground. Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville has announced that the progress of this program has added relevance to the high school football team name. Additionally, he is pleased to know that his county has gone deeper into space than anyone else to date. Though Venango County has declared they have been to the Moon through their VASA program, Mayor Dumbdumb stands by the belief that the landing was faked for propaganda. The tensions between Venango and East Crawford are not likely to settle anytime soon. President Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America says that he will be seeking to launch a rocket even further than the Moon’s orbit. In the words of Blunders, “we may even reach as high as 50 feet.” Until then, the borders are still being guarded by each county military.

Handicap communities are voicing anger over their designated parking spaces being taken up by cars. Authorities state a rise in reported incidents of vehicles violating areas that are clearly marked as wheelchair-only. The violations are so numerous, officers are finding it difficult to ticket cars efficiently enough to discourage the act. "Many of the vehicles have discovered little tricks to throw off traffic officers," states Police Chief Walker, who once served as a Texas Ranger. "Many of these cars will hang a blue sign on their rearview mirror with a cartoon wheelchair. To an untrained eye, that suggests the car might be a four-wheel, multi-seat chair with doors." Walker, former Texas Ranger. State police have requested funding to train officers to distinguish the difference between wheelchairs and cars carrying a sign. Unfortunately, the process is rolling slowly. Other officers are mistakenly towing crutches that are left in the spaces, not realizing that all handicapped people apply. "I left my crutches in the space and crawled into the store to go shopping," states Legolas of Rivendell. "When I came back, my crutches were gone! It was like taking an arrow to the heart!" Crutches towed this morning next to poorly parked wheelchair.... Unless that's a vehicle with a wheelchair sign! Meanwhile, it seems the vehicles are getting away with a crime that handicapped individuals are paying the price for. Several cases have shown vehicles leaving no spaces for several blocks, forcing wheelchair users to park several blocks away. "It just gets tiring on the arms," Wheeliam expressed to our reporters. "I eat my vegetables every day, but I feel the strain is making the health obsession a waste of time. Not to mention, I'm running out of friends!" To make matters worse, Wheeliam is starting to consider violating store policies just to spare his biceps. "Sometimes, I'm tempted to sneak my wheelchair in, hoping it will fit through the door. I'm just afraid of getting caught and banned for life." Authorities are well aware of the situation and say they are doing everything possible to resolve the matter. Sheriff Joe Swanson has been appointed lead of the Handicap Enforcement Department and is hoping to hire specialized forces to deal with these violators. In the meantime, locals are encouraged to report any suspicious four-wheel seats that may be cars in disguise. Such vehicles commonly use placards as seen below.... Clever, aren't they?

The homeless population is filling up the Ohio River as Beaver County residents are finding it impossible to keep up with financial demands. A recent study finds that more than 50 percent of residents residing in the river have lost their dams after wood-cutting companies quit hiring for the winter. Consequently, panhandlers are taking up space on both embankments all through the county. Mayor Dambuilder of Aliquippa, capital of Beaver County, states that his administration is prioritizing the construction of more homes along the Ohio River. This promise was first made in early 2024 when Dambuilder first took office. Today, the same promise has been made with no more dams than what existed back then. "I have a difficult time believing he wants to resolve the matter," Mrs. Bucktooth told the media. "I have Beaver teeth thank you very much!" Dambuilder states that several dams have been built in his time as president of Beaver County. The only problem is that they wash away every time the river rises. Store owners have also expressed frustration over the difficulty in keeping up with the infrastructure of their buildings. According to Mr. Tailwhack, his business of carved beaver knickknacks is struggling to continue because he cannot afford the price of cut-down branches. "I try to nibble down branches of my own when I find the time. Unfortunately, that takes time away from carving my own beaver knickknacks, which are essential for keeping my business running." Another issue facing business owners is the panhandlers residing outside of their buildings, which they say are driving away customers. Mr. Tailwhack expressed that the growing numbers of river rodents outside his business are driving away his customers due to their lower quality of life. "These filthy beavers are driving away my customers," states Mr. Tailwhack. "I work hard to carve these beaver knickknacks so that my customers can appreciate them when they take them home to their dams." The homeless population has expressed that their need for help is more important than the business owners along the Ohio River. Several of them state that they are still hungry and cold because of the current weather conditions. Consequently, Mayor DamBuilder of Beaver County signed an executive order to open several soup kitchens along the Ohio River in order that the residents of Beaver County be fed properly for the remaining portion of winter. Until the dam housing crisis is resolved, several beavers will remain living in the cold waters of the Ohio River. Shelter may be difficult to come by unless the homeless are willing to cut down their own trees, which, according to nature, they have the capacity to do.

The Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization is now facing three adversaries. Elk County has joined Warren and East Crawford by invading Jefferson County and its industrial city of Brockway. Alarms sounded early this morning as Elk County soldiers entered the city. Without warning, Brockway residents were stampeded and forced to retreat to the nearby city of Crenshaw. Jefferson County troops tried to make a stand, but were overcome by the massive size of each enemy soldier’s horns. "We were completely outgunned," a Jefferson County soldier told the press. "Despite outnumbering them in claws, they have horns with multiple points that we cannot compete with. Plus, they are massive compared to our groundhog-like bodies." Military forces were forced to abandon the town by tunneling their way to Crenshaw with the rest of the city. Brockway is officially compromised, and County War 1 is no longer just a dispute between East Crawford and Venango.

Southwestern Pennsylvania is working towards a safer future as the three major superpowers have finally negotiated their own treaty. Coverage of today’s meeting in the Oval Office of President Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh showed the county leaders disputing among each other in what many call the most essential policy between each region. Mayor DamBuilder of Aliquippa, capital of Beaver County, states that it has always been his intent to secure a treaty for the well-being of his fellow beaver citizens. Nonetheless, he argues that he could not reach an agreement if Allegheny County refused to cut trade costs on the Ohio River leading to Aliquippa. "We need those funds to build our Beaver County Military," Mayor DamBuilder expressed in a press briefing this morning. "Allegheny has secured the Ohio, forcing us to pay full price for the export of logs we cut down with our teeth. We are not going to pay that price anymore knowing our dental care is more important." Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh was not intending to budge on the tariffs placed on logs imported into his county. His ultimate decision on cutting costs was influenced by the close relationship Beaver County has with Washington County. "Washington County has cannons being produced daily in Canonsburg," he told the press just after negotiations finalized. "We cannot afford to have those cannons pointed our direction. Otherwise, the Steel City will be catching lead." Mayor George Washington of Washington County agreed to the standards laid out by Steelhead. He will keep the cannons turned south toward Greene County. In return, Pittsburgh will continue supplying metal to help them produce better cannons. "We are fearful about supplying such metal to Washington County, given they have expressed interest in taking Mount Washington back by force," Mayor Steelhead told the press. "Fortunately, our citizens are all metalheads anyway. We are prepared for any cannon fire if such a day comes." The treaty ensures the neighboring counties will come to one another’s defense if attacked. So far, Allegheny’s closest tensions exist with Butler and Westmoreland Counties. Butler keeps sending their druggies down, while Westmoreland keeps trying to push west to get more land. Each of them is really a bit of an irritant rather than an actual enemy. Nonetheless, the treaty will hopefully send a statement that Allegheny now has allies.

"We just don't feel like having 11 separate protests," states the coordinator of the 11-person gathering. "It was just easier to give everyone a different sign and let them decide what to protest." A massive 11-person march attempted to call out Washington this weekend, with each person taking on their own political topic. With politics now pertaining to no more than 11 subjects, the coordinators felt Clarion was the perfect spot, given that this exact same number pertains to how many Clarion residents think they have the power to change everything. "We are the perfect place to complain about political issues that we are powerless in changing," states Laura Littlevoice. "Much like every western Pensylvania town, we act like we can make a difference while local industry continually declines." The one group member representing immigration also chimed in, citing her friendship with the only South American in town. "I'm actually the only one who knows him. This is Clarion we're talking about. The rest of the group is probably racist." Another member of the group took matters to the subject of healthcare because Clarion has no jobs to help people afford that. "I am going to be heard on my demands for healthcare," says the man who desperately wants a bed in the worst hospital imaginable. "Although I could get somewhere protesting my local hospital's deficiencies, I'd rather pretend Congress will be intimidated by a guy on a street corner in Clarion." Unfortunately, D.C. still doesn't know Western Pennsylvania towns exist. Since the decline of regional industries, they still think everyone packed up and left. "We need to end the war in Iran," another protestor expressed while drinking his Dunkin' coffee. The protest did not stay stationary. The group traveled through town, voicing with a bullhorn their complaints about the current administration. While passing Toby Hill, the one person standing outside said, "Oh! That makes sense...." and went on smoking his cigarette. When passing the University Inn, a woman raised her tall finger and went inside to shoot pool. Finally, a squirrel heard the group marching down the most isolated street in town. It ran up a tree and disappeared. After learning what this group did to the squirrel, President Trump surprisingly did not call in the National Guard. We believe this could be due to larger notable cities consisting of protests that are worth his time. Nonetheless, we encourage those protestors to show up again because frankly, it's this kind of nonsense that gives us something to write about.

The pressure is on for Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh, now that Mayor Blunders is threatening to use force in order to gain control of the Allegheny River. The bill proposed roughly a year ago sought to claim the rights to the Allegheny River in order to change its name to the Gulf of Venango. Unfortunately, those rights are still in the hands of Allegheny County, and Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh is refusing to sign over the name. Last year, Mayor Blunders attempted several intimidation tactics to manipulate Pittsburgh. They all ended in failure. First, he placed tariffs on Pittsburgh, which failed to work due to the lack of existing trade between each county. Afterward, he placed sanctions on Pittsburgh, which went nowhere for the fact that Mayor Blunders doesn't know what a sanction is. Finally, Mayor Blunders tried to cut off their water supply by building a dam across the Allegheny in Oil City. Instead of cutting off Pittsburgh's water supply, the river backed up and flooded Routsville, creating what Mayor Blunders declared to be Lake Weed. Today, Mayor Blunders is trying something much different out of desperation to fulfill his dream of owning a river. Now that Mayor Steelhead knows of Venango County's existence due to Mayor Blunders' persistent phone calls, Blunders said he is going to continue to put the pressure on by reaching out to counties neighboring Pittsburgh in hopes of gaining support. This morning, Mayor Blunders reached out to Mayor DamBuilder of Beaver County, requesting assistance in damming up the Allegheny River. Although the approach of collaboration seemed effective, Blunders did not consider the disadvantage of making this request to a county that stretches further beyond where the river flows through Pittsburgh. Allegheny River marked by the color yellow. It's natural conversion to blue while passing through Pittsburgh's filtration system marked by blue. Mayor DamBuilder of Aliquippa, capital of Beaver County, attempted to explain to Blunders that the river flowing through his region is the Ohio River, which begins in Pittsburgh before reaching Beaver County. Blunders then made a request to Mayor DamBuilder that he reverse the flow of the waters in order that his potential dam will have an impact on cutting off Pittsburgh's water supply. DamBuilder hung up the phone. In response to Beaver County's aparent refusal, Mayor Blunders has signed an executive order to change the Ohio River's name to the Gulf of Venango. Blunders is working to figure out what an Ohio is and whether it has an association with a region of a similar name. If Blunders manages to find out that there is a significance to the name Ohio, he will request support from that ethnic group to put pressure on Beaver County. The support will be needed since Blunders doesn't have anything to threaten Beaver County with.

Mayor Dambuilder of Aliquippa, capital of Beaver County, was able to approve the funding for 40 new fire hoses stretching more than two thousand feet. Sources say that the hoses have arrived, and the firemen are tangled in the mess. At 10:45 AM Friday morning, hoses were delivered to the Beaver County Fire Department in our fictional universe. After opening the crate containing every fire hose, it was discovered that the hoses were a tangled mess. Firefighters quickly got to work trying to untangle the mess. In the process, they got sucked into the pile of hoses and are struggling to get untied. Some have resorted to biting through the hoses, which has rendered some as useless as the ones they were meant to replace. Until the Fire Department can effectively untangle their crew from the coil they received, Mayor Dambuilder has announced a ban on all house fires for Beaver County. Any house violating the burn ban may be subject to fines and time in prison.

After successfully driving East Crawford from the region, Venango County has declared their intent to aid Forest in reclaiming the industrial city of Marienville. The city, which has been in the hands of East Crawford for the last two weeks, is getting sick of looking at the two soldiers resting in their town center. "They've been sitting in their lawn chairs for days," states Mayor Mouthwash of Marienville. "Our military can do nothing because we don't have one." Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County Military have been assigned to the northern border on Route 8 once again. Though they are responsible for allowing the last invasion due to sleeping on the job, the only alternative is 9-year-old Timmy, who Mayor Blunders wants to send to Forest County. "Timmy saved the city of Franklin," Mayor Blunders told the press this morning before sending Timmy into Forest County. "We are confident that this soldier will find Marienville and drive East Crawford out." Timmy is lost because we sent him without a map or means of communication. Sources say transporters took him as far as the edge of the Allegheny National Forest before dropping him off to walk the rest of the way. Though instructions were to drive all the way to Marienville, it isn't in the county budget to cover the gas. With no means of navigation, experts say Timmy could potentially reach his destination, as long as he can figure out which direction is north and where Marienville falls on a compass. Assuming he guesses correctly, he could arrive in Marienville, as long as he doesn't die at the hands of coyotes in the woods.