Elk County has officially overrun the Jefferson County region, leaving native groundhogs with nothing to claim as their own. As of Wednesday evening, the Jefferson County military found themselves retreating further south into the capital of Punxsutawney. This came almost two weeks after the initial invasion. Mayor Phil, who is the self-declared President of Jefferson County, made the hard decision to evacuate when it was clear that the elk of Elk County are far too superior to his groundhog army. "It is with great sadness that I, President Mayor Phil, have failed the entirety of Jefferson County," states some random guy pretending to be Mayor Phil. As for the real Mayor Phil, we have been unable to get a statement because he has been buried underground. According to sources, the Jefferson County Secret Service led the mayor into an improvised bunker Wednesday evening. He hasn't been seen since. Experts believe he will surface in Clarion later today. Last image of Mayor Phil's retreat With Jefferson County compromised, Elk County has announced their intent to rename Groundhog Day to Elk Appreciation Day. This move gives the official control over the length of Winter. Mayor Bighorn of St. Marys, capital of Elk County, considers this a victorious moment that will shape the world, and potentially even the far reaches of Western Pennsylvania. Mayor Bighorn boasting of his Groundhog Day takeover Retaliation plans are being made by the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization, also known as PLATO. West Crawford has already withdrawn their troops from Venango and redeployed them at the border of East Crawford. Clarion County troops are currently lost somewhere in Butler and have been declared too stupid to rejoin the fight. Mercer County says they forgot this war was going on. Meanwhile, Forest County is still trying to combat Warren and East Crawford after losing their industrial city of Marienville in a game of poker. PLATO treaty in blue Basically, the treaty signed between the six neighboring counties ensuring that everyone will defend each other when attacked is proving to be a complete failure. Each military is too small, and the regions are too vast for everyone to defend each other. Consequently, it's everyone for himself. Sorry Jefferson. Your prediction of winter lasting six more weeks will have to be paused until you can figure out how to drive the elk out of your region.

It seems that Venango County's youngest military member has finally found his way to Marienville after spending 2 weeks walking through Allegheny National Forest. According to reports from the Forest Post Pinesap, 9-year-old Timmy was spotted entering Marienville late Thursday afternoon. This came after experts thought he was eaten by coyotes. The town was relieved to find Venango County's military aide arriving. Marienville has been under siege by East Crawford troops ever since they attacked the town in late February. At the time, Marienville troops were out to lunch, leaving the town susceptible to outsiders walking right into town square to set up their lawn chairs. The enemy has been an eyesore ever since. Now that little Timmy has arrived, he has more than 14 days of inexcused absences from school. Timmy plans to attack the East Crawford invaders tomorrow after a good night's rest. For the time being, he will spend the night at a nearby pub and recover from his 2 long weeks of living in the woods. We will bring you more updates as the battle of Marienville progresses.

Early this morning, the Venango County military woke up to hundreds of Spartansburg Spartans marching toward the border of Titusville. According to eyewitnesses, a massive assault sought to drive the Venango County military away from the Route 8 border with the use of ancient Grecian armor and weaponry. The Venango County military held their ground, despite only being armed with a small box of rounds. Sources say that Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County military managed to stand against 12 attempted charges by the Spartansburg army. Venango County's spitball artillery proved to be superior to the iron shields and swords wielded by Spartansburg. Experts believe that their exposed chests were what did them in. Spartansburg's casualties are estimated to be around 249, leaving them with only 50 men remaining. The Venango County military did not suffer any losses, and no soldier was wounded during the engagement. It is unclear if Spartansburg will continue their attempted assault or return home embarrassed that they lost to a barrage of spitballs. The Spartans who fell are reported to have instantly died of COVID. Experts state that Spartansburg's attempted assault on Venango County is a continuation of Mayor Dumdum's endeavor to take over northwestern Pennsylvania. Dumdum announced to the press today that he intends on raising more armies from the surrounding regions as soon as Titusville can raise more children to adulthood.

MERCER, PA — With the Northwestern Pennsylvania minor league baseball season just days away, the Mercer Misfires have officially begun preparations for what team officials are calling “a promising year,” despite several early complications during spring training. The Misfires reported to camp earlier this week, bringing with them a renewed sense of optimism and at least seven baseball gloves between the entire roster. Team manager Rick “Skip” Holler stated that while resources remain limited, the organization is focused on “doing the little things right,” such as showing up on time and remembering which direction to run after making contact. “We’ve made it clear this year that fundamentals are a priority,” Holler told reporters. “Last season, we had a few issues with base awareness. Some of the guys were rounding third and heading back toward second. That can’t happen again.” Early practices have reportedly emphasized situational awareness, though progress has been mixed. During a recent scrimmage, the Misfires recorded three outs in a single inning without ever fielding the ball, including one baserunner who was tagged out after stopping mid-play to ask if he was allowed to steal first base. Pitching remains a key area of concern for the organization. Sources close to the team confirm that several pitchers have shown strong velocity, but limited control. One bullpen session was briefly halted after a fastball struck the dugout Gatorade cooler, which had not been involved in the play. “We like the energy,” said pitching coach Dale Brenner. “We’re just working on making sure that energy is directed somewhere near the strike zone.” Offensively, the Misfires are experimenting with a new approach at the plate, encouraging players to “swing with confidence” while also attempting to identify which pitches are, in fact, pitches. Team captain Jason Miller noted that communication has improved, though there are still occasional disagreements over whether a ball hit straight up qualifies as a line drive. The front office has also made several offseason adjustments, including the addition of a part-time equipment manager whose primary responsibility is locating misplaced bats during games. Last season, the team was forced to forfeit two innings after players were unable to find any usable equipment between at-bats. Despite these challenges, morale within the clubhouse remains high. Players have expressed excitement about the upcoming season and confidence that this year’s team is “different,” though no one was able to specify how. “We’ve got the pieces,” said outfielder Kevin Rhodes. “We just need to figure out where they go.” The Misfires are expected to open their season later this week, pending confirmation of a finalized schedule and the successful completion of a team-wide drill focused on distinguishing foul balls from fair territory. As opening day approaches, Mercer fans remain cautiously optimistic, hoping that this year’s squad can avoid the kind of early missteps that have defined previous seasons. Team officials, however, insist that progress is being made. “We’re close,” Holler said. “We can feel it.”

It seems that the treaty between Washington and Allegheny County is beginning to fail, and Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh is the center of controversy. Mount Washington in Pittsburgh has origins dating back to the first Washington County settlers. Mayor George Washington of Washington County has expressed his determination to regain ownership, but Mayor Steelhead is refusing. "Just because they landed on Mount Washington hundreds of years ago doesn't mean the mountain belongs to them," Mayor Steelhead told the press. Mayor George Washington of Washington County argues that the rights to the mountain are evident by the name it has kept for hundreds of years. "We hath known this mountain to be of our lineage since the days our forefathers set foot in the regions of southwestern Pennsylvania," Mayor George Washington expressed. "For this cause, we of Washington County have decided that it is best suited for our people to turn the cannons of Cannonsburgh slightly closer to the direction of Allegheny County." Turning the cannons back in the direction of Allegheny would be an act against the treaty, which requires the artillery to be turned towards Greene County. Although he is only turning them an inch to the right, the act is a definite statement that the cannons may continue to turn if Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh does not agree to terms. Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh has made it clear to Washington County that breaking treaty regulations will result in Allegheny no longer providing the steel needed to create their own cannons. This would force Cannonsburgh to produce artillery from iron instead of the much more superior steel substance. Consequently, the economics of Washington and Allegheny now hang in the balance.

A recent study finds that pretending to be stupid does not change when somebody is wrong. According to research from the University of Common Sense, pretending not to understand objective reasoning does not make a person right when they are clearly incorrect. Researchers performed a controlled study by locking several dogmatic pricks in a room. The stubborn rigidity of each individual was put to the test when they were forced to face the reality of prior mistakes that impacted the lives of other people. The results were staggering! Controlled tests started on a small scale with items placed in front of the subjects that irrefutably proved their guilt. Despite continued encouragement from the researchers to deny the objects’ existence, each item failed to disappear. Researchers attempted to reposition each item, but continued exposure to denial was still unsuccessful in wishing away evidence. Observers were also reportedly unconvinced of the faked stupidity in the test subjects. Scientists then separated the groups into different rooms by their level of humility. The most stubborn of the group was isolated in their own private dungeon. Researchers noted that every one of them acted like they were too dumb to understand how their actions hurt people in the past. A survey of their lives showed that the lack of major consequences in their upbringing may have contributed to their personal delusion of being perfect in every way. This reaction helps explain their lack of empathy for people who took accountability and were mercilessly handed consequences that the dogmatic pricks equally deserved. The researchers then tased them for their own good. The second group was very similar to the first. Scientists attempted to create a minor consequence for their years of insensitivity. When the uncompromising stiffs denied reality, researchers lit their pants with a blowtorch. Each subject begged for mercy but refused to admit the objective truth that their actions were purely selfish. They also pretended those hurt by them were just making everything up. The professors turned up the heat but found they were more successful in creating corpse barbecue than accountable human beings. The third group was incredibly selfish in a different capacity. While other groups completely denied their obvious mistakes in an attempt to erase reality, the third group acknowledged their shortcomings, thinking apologies without change were enough to make a difference. To their demise, the continuation of poor self-centered behavior quickly caused people to stop taking their apologies seriously. The researchers lit their pants on fire as well. The final group consisted of much more humble individuals whose track record consisted of taking accountability. The study found that a combination of verbal acknowledgement and actual change won the respect of other people. If negative consequences came to them, they embraced them even when they felt it was undeserved. Scientists were so astonished by the humility, they lit the other subjects on fire, hoping for a rapid transformation that would make the world a better place. Unfortunately, the three groups of self-focused pricks died during the punishment. Not to worry. It still made the world a better place. For the sake of consistency, they then lit the humble people on fire too.

Mayor Dumdum of Titusville, President of East Crawford County, is showing desperation to turn the tide of County War One. After a nearly successful attempt to gain control of the northern portion of Venango County, Dumdum announced that he is raising a military out of Spartansburg, consisting of 300 men. Although this number seems oddly high for a community that appears to have only five residents, Dumdum has signed an order requiring all able-bodied men to report to the nearby armory, where they will be given a spear and leather underpants. Leading the Spartansburg military is one named Leo, surname Nitus, a brilliant general with ancestry dating back to Grecian immigrants. Leo has served in the Spartansburg military since he was a boy and is confident that his military of 300 gaily enthusiastic soldiers can successfully take over the entirety of Venango County. While interviewing Leo, whose surname is Nitus, we were invited to walk alongside their local pit of death. Leo proudly showed us the pile of bodies that he has personally kicked down the ravine every time he gets angry. Unfortunately, confusion set in when he realized our reporters were not impressed. This is because the Spartansburg pit of death has less than half the number of bodies lying inside the Venango County pit of death. Upon hearing this, Leo threw a fit and tried to kick one of our reporters inside. He completely missed his target and fell into the pit himself. Now, the Spartansburg Pit of Death has exactly half the bodies that are in the Venango County Pit of Death. With the Spartansburg military now down to 299 shirtless fighters, Mayor Dumdum of Titusville states that he is ready to launch an assault on the Route 8 border. Should he launch this attack today, Venango will only have two military men to defend against the onslaught. Our current border security is headed by Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County military. They are armed with spitball launchers and muffin hand grenades. The security of Venango County rests in their hands. Once again, we surely are screwed.

There is not much Venango has to offer the neighboring counties given that their military consists of only 3 men. Two have been sent to guard the northern border to prevent East Crawford from having access. The third is somewhere in Forest County trying to find his way to Marienville. Meanwhile, news of Elk County's invasion of Jefferson has reached the Outhouse in Oil City. President Mayor Blunders has signed an executive order for Venango County to send military aid by tomorrow. Unfortunately, we have nobody to send. Venango County has no able-bodied soldiers capable of traveling to Jefferson County because everyone's food stamps are out for the rest of the month. Being deprived of groceries for the next ten days is not even the worst drawback. Additionally, nobody can afford any gas to get there in time to fight the Elks. Meanwhile, Elk County military are doing a number on the citizens of Jefferson County. After their invasion earlier this week, they have knocked down several buildings using the horns on their heads. Locals have retreated southward to Punxsutawney where Mayor Phil is preparing for potential evacuation. "This is a frightening time," says the Secretary of Defense for Jefferson County. "Not only do we live in the fear of seeing our own shadows daily, but now the Elk have taken over our lands." The Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization is responsible for coming to the defense of any county attacked by those outside the treaty. With each county being dirt poor, Jefferson is currently on their own until a neighboring county can figure out how to drive there. Clarion has received the request to send aid. Unfortunately, Mayor Intellect says that the student bodies making up their military are all wasted. Jefferson County is on their own. Land is currently lost, and military defenses are folding. In time, we will see what will become of the region famous for declaring the end of wintertime.

The Venango Republic has recently expanded to cover all fictional events pertaining to Western Pennsylvania. However, when it started one year ago, the now "world famous" news outlet was focused solely on Venango and Clarion. Now, it has more than nine hundred followers on social media, exceeding the population of most western Pennsylvania towns. Recently, a much more localized competitor of the Venango Republic closed their publication. Not only did the print edition set itself apart by being a print edition, but they also had the unique feature of being a much more honest news source. Western Pennsylvania is filled with such publications. Unfortunately, for the region where the Venango Republic started, this is a huge blow. There are only a few remaining sources covering the regions of Clarion, Crawford, Venango, and Mercer County. Between Venango and Clarion, only one has been deemed by experts as slightly more honest and trustworthy than the remaining outlets. "The Venango Republic makes up stories of events that did not happen," states one expert we made up. "The difference is that they tell everyone when they are lying. That is much more honest than any other source in the region." The second closest competitor to the Venango Republic thrives on clickbait with less-than-newsworthy content. Their secret? Headlines meant to exaggerate the nature of events which aren't that interesting. Despite their comment sections being filled with backlash on their poor quality reporting, they continue as if they classify as quality news. "That's what makes it misleading," states our fictional expert. "They falsely claim to be quality news. Everyone knows they aren't, but they also aren't transparent about that fact." Consequently, the Venango Republic has just surpassed the other leading brand with the transparency of being partially fake news. This might be why the Venango Republic has been commended by fictional Mayors in major cities like Pittsburgh and Erie. Although the real life Mayors are not aware of our existence, the fake ones we made up have praised our organization for keeping the real world informed on what's not actually happening. Now, the Venango Republic has followers in Washington County, Edinboro, Erie, and some random guy in Switzerland who keeps visiting our site. Although it might just be his VPN, we are proud to assume that this makes us world renowned.

The Blunder Dam, built last year in an attempt to cut off Pittsburgh's water supply, has now served a purpose beyond flooding Rouseville. This week, President Mayor Blunders of Venango County signed an executive order to dye the Allegheny River green in honor of the holiday. The stagnant river, made possible by the dam, was in perfect condition for the algae they poured into the water. Not long afterwards, all the fish were belly up. The river reeked of that same charm you get from a condemned building that's gone unused for 5 years. Worst of all, the county has no funds for chlorine because they wasted it all on algae. President Blunders of the Venango States of America says that this marks a starting point of his administration's plans to rename the river the Gulf of Venango. While St. Patrick's Day was a complete stink fest, Blunders says that the future is bright as soon as they can figure out how to send the algae down the river to Pittsburgh. Doing so may require destroying the Blunder Dam, but it may finally result in Pittsburgh agreeing to Blunders' demands to gain rights to renaming the Allegheny.

More threats are coming to Pittsburgh as Washington County is demanding ownership of a mountain they claim belongs to them. Almost a month has gone by since Washington County congress first made the demand for Pittsburgh to surrender the rights to Mount Washington. Now, other agreements may fold thanks to the political tension surrounding his demand. A recent treaty between Beaver, Washington, and Allegheny County sought to strengthen relations between the neighboring nations. Conditions involved Washington County turning their cannons away from Pittsburgh to the southern nation of Greene County. Pittsburgh, in return, would continue supplying steel to the city of Canonsburg in order for them to keep producing quality cannons. Now, that agreement is at risk. "We are not giving up Mount Washington just to satisfy a county that neglected to claim it before us," Mayor Steelhead told the press earlier today. Mayor George Washington of Washington County states that he will not allow Steelhead's unmoving character to intimidate him. "We have a legacy with that mountain," Washington states. "Without it, we are only Washington County. With it, we are Washington County with a mountain named Washington." The mayor of Washington Township, and president of Washington County, then left to go do his laundry. When asked how much he had to wash, he stated he is washing tons. The political tension is unlikely to be resolved in the near future. Allegheny is unwilling to surrender the mountain, and Washington County is threatening to point their cannons at Pittsburgh again. This may result in unwanted outcomes for each region given that the two superpowers of southwestern PA are now divided over an ugly hill.

Venango County's contribution to County War 1 is failing miserably after little Timmy was spotted at Cougar Bobs in Tionesta. According to one commenter, the military member sent to Marienville is now heading the wrong way. Despite being dropped off closer to Marienville, he is deviating closer to Tionesta. Little Timmy shocked the world by heroically ending the siege of Franklin Pennsylvania more than a week ago. When all other military personnel struggled to combat East Crawford's one soldier, 9 year old Timmy bravely ran directly into enemy spitfire and shot the opposition in the face with a spitball. The soldier instantly died of Covid, and Timmy was elevated to the 4th grade. The shot that saved Franklin In honor of Timmy's heroic efforts, he was assigned the task of traveling to Marienville Pennsylvania where East Crawford troops have laid siege to the industrial city. Forest County has struggled in the war due to their primitive form of life. Timmy's mother dropped him off at the edge of Allegheny National Forest where Venango officials have not heard from him. Today, Timmy was spotted closer to Tionesta by one of our own followers. According to Ralph, Timmy was last seen at Cougar Bobs in Tionesta. For those unfamiliar with the geographical makeup of the region, Tionesta is the complete opposite direction Timmy was instructed to go in. Worse yet, he is 9 years old and somehow snuck his way into a pub. Timmy's mother has expressed disappointment stating that she knows he has a good sense of direction. According to her, Timmy is a former Boy Scout and knows to look for moss on the trees. For this reason, nobody left him a map. President Mayor Blunders of Venango County has not commented on the situation. Experts are calling for him to remove Timmy's honors for saving Franklin from the enemy. Others are advocating for Timmy believing that he may have just forgotten which side of the tree the moss is supposed to grow on. Whatever the case, he is far from his objective, and Marienville is still in the enemy's hands.