Several pizza detonations across the nations of West Crawford, Mercer, and Venango County have now led the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization (PLATO) to consider sending military forces into Erie borders. Although Erie itself is not responsible, Mayor Paranoia of Erie has failed to successfully put away the mobs responsible for selling explosive pizzas on the black market. Consequently, six detonations have impacted several lives. Less than ten minutes before his job interview The nations of Forest, Venango, Clarion, Jefferson, Mercer, and West Crawford unilaterally agreed to send one troop apiece into Erie's capital of Erie to find the leaders of the Pizza Cartel, which is primarily headed by one Margarette Diesel Myarmsweak. We did our best to make her look happy Myarmsweak has been at large after eating six too many pizzas. Although it is politically incorrect to make such a joke, you can see why we make an exception here. If still think the joke is in poor taste, look up Evil Genius and get an education. Mercer County was going to send two troops specially trained from the Grove City Outlets Military Academy. Unfortunately, one of them stuck his golf club in his mouth socket and died of electrocution. Born with his unique handicap Mayor Dogfood of West Crawford states that he will be sending more military armed with Meow Mix. Dogfood already has several boots on the ground. As soon as they put on the boots, they will head straight for Erie. The nations of Venango, Clarion, and Jefferson find themselves in a much more compromising position. With the Battle of Oil City raging on, troops are scattered on all fronts to defend against the invading forces of the Zugnar Alliance. Jefferson troops fend off the Warren military President Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America says he will send a company of 30 men armed with the best military-grade weapons. This is a flat-out lie given that Venango only has 3 members armed with spitball launchers and muffin hand grenades. Additionally, they can't afford enough gas to drive to Erie. Forest County says they will send one troop armed with a fishing pole. Unfortunately, with Clarion and Northern Venango under control of the Zugnar Alliance, they are completely surrounded and cannot escape to send anyone. The Clarion military is made up of complete idiots. They are so notorious for getting lost, they only have a hope of getting to their destination if sent in the opposite direction. Clarion military still where we left them two days ago It is unlikely that the entirety of PLATO will unify despite the unilateral agreement between each member. The Pizza Cartel will continue to exist, and the world will suffer the consequence of having to buy new white shirts. For an extra measure of precaution, wear darker clothing.

The president of Butler County, Mayor Servanthood of Butler, says that he will not grant Clarion or Jefferson County permission to enter county borders for regaining possession of their land. Mayor Servanthood addressed the press today, stating clearly that the matter is not personal, but to maintain a good standing with all counties across the world. "We will not be accused of siding with one nation over another," Mayor Servanthood told the press as he was dusting his podium. "We have always maintained good relations with Elk, Clarion, and Jefferson by simply not having anything to do with them at all. We will maintain this alliance." Mayor Servanthood speaks to the press shortly after pressing his tux The nations of Clarion and Jefferson are now at a difficult period in their history, with Mayor Phil being separated from his capital of Punxatawney for the first time in decades. Mayor Intelect is also feeling a sense of grief for his decision to recruit the lowest-IQ students of his university to serve in his military. Mayor Phil and Mayor Intelect reflect on their decisions thus far President Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America is now taking political actions to put pressure on Butler County's authorities. In late 2024, Mayor Blunders signed an executive order for the construction of a border wall to extend across the southern portion of Venango County. He was able to purchase a 2x4 that was six feet long. Laying the board on the ground was highly effective. Ever since constructing that part of the wall, nobody has tried to climb over. Instead, they go out of their way to use the highway. Blunders is now threatening to build the wall bigger than before. If Butler does not allow Clarion and Jefferson an exit to take back their counties from Elk forces, then the wall will be made higher, making it more difficult for Jefferson and Clarion to get into Butler when authorities aren't looking.

The battle of Oil City is raging with much conflict between the northwestern Pennsylvania superpowers. Elk military forces have spent weeks pushing through the lines of several allied personnel. Now, they are joining East Crawford and Warren in an attempt to overthrow the Pensylvania Land and Treaty Organization, otherwise known as PLATO. Overthrowing Jefferson County's capital of Punxsutawney gave the Elk County military control of the Groundhog Day Accords, which empowers them to extend winter into any county of their wishes. Clarion has already felt the wrath of the Elk winter barrage. While every other county is enjoying the transition into summer, their capital of Clarion is 5 feet deep in snow. I don't think this is Erie... To make matters worse, Venango County's capital is now engaged in conflicts on all eastern sides. The Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization has troops from every county engaged in the battle but are struggling to hold back onslaughts from the counties of Elk, East Crawford, and Warren County, all of which make up the Zugnar Alliance. It seems that Erie County may also have an indirect hand in helping the Zugnar Alliance. This weekend, a pizza detonation was performed by the troops of East Crawford, rendering the Seneca Street Bridge unrepairable. The choice of weaponry is only manufactured by Erie's ruthless Pizza Cartel, which inevitably sold the devices to East Crawford by way of the black market. Thanks alot Erie! The situation is getting out of hand and requires immediate intervention if the counties making up PLATO want hope in restoring order. Today, President Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America met with leaders of Clarion and Jefferson to devise a plan in taking back their counties. PLATO in blue, Zugnar in red.... Just a cheat sheet for you noobs... The plan will involve a flanking maneuver by sending troops southward into Butler County before resurfacing in Clarion and Jefferson behind Elk troops. They probably will only last as long as it takes for Elk County to notice, but at least they will be able to say they got their counties back before being driven out a second time. Troops are being selected with the highest IQ. Unfortunately, everyone is so low on the scale, they are within decimals of each other. In fact, every troop is within a decimal because none of them even comes close to exceeding 1. Once military experts can distinguish which troops are smarter than the others, a unit will be sent to perform the master plan. Why they don't just send everyone back, we're not sure. But we're just going to stay out of it to avoid the politics.

Residents don't know what to think in the Millcreek region. Is Smokey Bones truly closed or are they open with vacant tables? A half-heartedly written notice states that the business is permanently closed, but the much more professional and official-looking sign says that they're open every day at 11. Meanwhile, customers are afraid to walk in and ask. Signs debate their wishes for Smokey Bones Although walking into the restaurant could resolve this matter very quickly, it could mean potential jail time if it is, in fact, actually closed. In that case, walking on the property would be a form of trespassing on the premises of a business that no longer offers service. On the other hand, customers are worried that failing to show up could actually result in the business permanently closing if cooks are still inside having nobody to serve. With no one to fill the tables, the management on the inside will just be waiting and waiting until they run out of money. "The real dilemma facing the staff potentially standing inside is that they don't know the sign is on the front door," states Donald Dewitt of Erie, Pennsylvania. "I've been wanting to walk up to the door and stick my head in just to see if anyone knows that a paper has been pasted on the entrance of their establishment. Unfortunately, it's just not worth the risk of jail time if it winds up being closed." Residents have sought other ways to enter the establishment secretly, but unfortunately cannot get past the traps used to catch Smokey Bones' prey. Smokey Bones official torture relic dated back to the eleventh century Time is running short, and locals know that the window of opportunity is limited. Nonetheless, Smokey Bones lovers are holding out hope that the paper someone took time to type and paste to the door is just an insensitive joke impacting the success of a beloved business. At least we think it's beloved. We've never actually eaten there. It's only speculation. But the note was typed and printed, suggesting the act of a prankster. A professional CEO would arguably right a heart felt thank you for the years of customer dedication. If they were pressed to vacate the building by corporate, they would have grabbed a marker to scribble in the words "we're closed." We can't prove this. But there may very well be two cooks and six waitresses waiting on the inside. They want to come out, but they haven't made enough in tips to finish their shifts. Here we are letting this prankster keep them from going home to their families. This is not okay!

Attacks have officially begun on all sides of Venango County's capital of Oil City. Elk County, in collaboration with Warren, have deployed several troops armed with Nerf guns and WD-40 on the passage of Front Street. Elk Soldiers assault the Front Street passage Although Mercer is holding their ground to the best of their ability, Clarion has already retreated to Veterans St. Bridge because they don't have any sense of where the battle is commencing. Clarion walking away from the fight Meanwhile, on the northside, Jefferson troops are doing everything they can to secure the Plummer Street incline. Warren troops have progressed past the heights of Hasson and are descending to the lower levels of town. Jefferson troops are doing everything they can to keep the hill secure. With artillery limited to one carrot per groundhog, they are struggling to keep Warren troops from overpowering them with the superior oil cans they are wielding. Chat GPT semi-realistic looking attack on Plummer Street Route 8 is now under the control of East Crawford's largest division. The entire force, consisting of two men, is guarding the Seneca Street passageway at the edge of Venango's industrial city. The bridge connecting Seneca Street to Route 8 has fallen after a pizza planted by the East Crawford troops detonated. The bridge is now deemed a complete loss now that it is covered in Prego sauce and cheese. Pizza bomb destroys bridge Erie is being investigated because we need an excuse to factor them into this war... They have a big audience! Only one defense stands between East Crawford and City Hall, which is the City Outhouse. West Crawford has two military men armed with Meow Mix protecting the Main Street Bridge. They would guard Seneca Street, but East Crawford can't cross that way now that they have destroyed the bridge. West Crawford troops early Friday evening.... ignore the school bus.... Venango County's military is scattered abroad. Little 9-year-old Timmy has been tasked with protecting President Blunders outside the Outhouse. Having neglected to shower for the last 8 weeks, Timmy's body odor is the only deterrent should any frontline defense fail. Meanwhile, Blunders has once again descended to the lower levels of the Outhouse for his protection. Little Timmy guards the Outhouse The other two members of the Venango County military have returned to Oil City but are finding themselves in a standoff with the East Crawford troops who destroyed Seneca Street's bridge. Despite numerous threats to destroy East Crawford's pickup truck with a muffin hand grenade, they refuse to exit the vehicle. I guess comic bubbles are how we communicate now... Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County military have done everything short of firing upon the car with spitballs. Unfortunately, their spitballs are dried out and cannot be lubricated for the fact that Laurel and Hardy are dehydrated. Three mayors now sit in the center of Oil City with enemies attacking on every side. Mayor Phil of Punxsutawney in Jefferson, Mayor Intelect of Clarion in Clarion, and Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America are now facing the possibility of capture. Each may be forced to abandon Venango's capital to Franklin. Should Oil City fall, Franklin will then become the new capital of Venango County. Northern Venango will then become an extension of Elk, and the Zugnar Alliance will possess more land to themselves. Given how hilarious that would be, we are probably going to let it happen....

Erie, PA- The city of Erie is closing its latest amusement attraction less than a week after its grand opening. According to sources, the waterslide descending from the Bicentennial Tower at the edge of Lake Erie has already killed two fictional people. We offer the disclaimer that they are fictional so that no gullible moron accuses us of deceit. Those responsible for the slide's existence are known as the Death Wish for Tourists Foundation. They are a nonprofit which specializes in once-in-a-lifetime death traps. So far, they've only been sued once, by a man who unexpectedly survived one of their attractions. Following the events, major waterslide owners between Presque Isle and the downtown Erie Plaza are now questioning whether or not their slides meet basic safety standards in order to function as a business. The slide descending from the Hampton near the Bicentennial Tower has already announced a temporary closure until they can determine whether or not they meet the protocols. The slide itself is not affiliated with the Hampton, who has no idea that the slide even exists in the fictional realm. The real owners, who also do not exist, say that they have never received any complaints about the safety standards. This, of course, does not factor in the feature of the ride, which includes tying a cinder block to a rider's foot prior to their descent. The Renaissance Centre has been controversial for years with a slide whose declination leads straight to the pavement below it. The Boston Store also has the same problem. Despite its highest point looking like a church steeple, they are facing widespread accusations of allowing people to descend without ensuring the riders are ready to meet their maker. Work is being done to modify slides all around town. So far, the only disassembly has been this two foot tall plastic one found in a family's yard. It took three years for council to finally make a decision. Optimists say this is a step in the right direction. Fresking optimists! Workers are trying their hardest to finalize projects in a timely manner. Unfortunately, instead of removing the slide, they tore up the roadway by accident. They've decided to put in a bridge to justify the work. Experts believe it could take years to resolve the controversy surrounding the slides in town. Though a vote could be had today, supporters keep dropping off the map. City council has tried to remedy this by encouraging the opposition to give the slides a shot. Those willing to try also keep dropping off the map, making it impossible for council to receive an objective opinion. Credit for the article goes to the author. Credit for the waterslide idea goes to some random girl we met on a boat called the Lettie G. Howard. Interestingly, this Howard had a stern, but was unrelated to the show. Shout out to that person whose name we forgot. We were going to do an article about phlegm killing a man as it fell from the tower. She suggested the slide instead. The phlegm will come later.

We are now seeing more intercountial factors playing a role in the war between the counties. East Crawford, which is currently encamped on Route 8 outside of Oil City, has introduced detonating pizzas to the conflict. Around 6 PM Thursday evening, a massive explosion resulted in the Seneca Street Bridge being covered in cheesy sauce along with scattered dough. The bridge has been rendered a complete loss for dramatic effect, though drivers can still safely pass over it. Now, East Crawford doesn't have a direct route into the north side of Oil City. A pizza bomb suggests that East Crawford has received aid from the Pizza Cartel in Erie, which is headed by one Margarrette Diesel Mayarmsweak. The nation of Erie County has been under investigation by West Crawford and Mercer after several detonations covered historic landmarks in Prego sauce. Now, the Pizza Cartel may be guilty of aiding foreign intercountial superpowers. This war crime could mean Venango County getting pulled into the investigation in Erie, Pennsylvania. That is, if they can secure funding to fill their gas tanks.

Yes, people hate when media outlets present opinions over controversial issues. At this point, however, it seems like speculations are no longer up in the air, save a lesser smell than what Erie had before. There is finally enough evidence to support the claim that Erie's lake effect is not Mother Nature's fart hole. We know this because news outlets are offering less coverage about citywide smells than in recent years. When it does speak, it seems to reference other sources that make the Coke Plant less of a conversation point. Ok, people who don't understand the region are still going to suggest that Lake Erie is where planet Earth farts. The world is a big place and it has to come out somewhere. But those gusts of wind carrying an odor through the streets could just be a result of atmospheric circulation. It just seems unfair to draw such conclusions when the wind could just be picking up stenches from unrelated sources in the city. We're not trying to make excuses for the smells which have plagued Erie for over one hundred years. Objectively speaking, if Erie manages to clean up the algae, sewer gas, bay stagnation, and other suspected causations, we will run out of room to dismiss the possibility of Lake Erie being Earth's butthole. Thankfully, Erie has a lot of things to blame to help keep its accusers from making that a conclusive argument. Erie, the horrible smells prior to the progress at the Coke Plant put you through a lot of unfair accusations. For outsiders to suggest that Mother Nature had its worst case of diarrhea must have been a difficult thing to hear. Bottom line, you have strong evidence that your beautiful lake is not the butthole of our planet. You've drained the sewage your ancestors dumped into it, and have made it look like the closest you'll ever have to a beach. You can barely tell it isn't an ocean. There are a lot of other sources to clean up. If doing so reduces the smell even more, your haters will have less room to accuse. Don't be discouraged. We agree that Mother Nature's fart exit is probably the city of Butler.

Jamal Fart has served in the Cranberry Mall for nearly 40 years. In that time, he has been responsible for ensuring that all merchandise is paid for prior to exiting the building. Early on as a rookie, he faced many challenges with other cops who held seniority over him. Now, he remains as the only one on staff. Throughout his tenure, Jamal Fart has made several temporary arrests that gained him recognition on the staff bulletin board. Those detained served sentences of up to one hour prior to the police showing at the mall. Fart's work is one that many might consider taking pride in. For Fart, however, his service to the mall is one that requires a humble mind. Humble Fart forced to praise himself due to staffing shortages After blushing at our exaggerated compliments, Fart recalled that the last crime he had ever observed was back in 2015, when a woman attempted to steal bubblegum from a vending machine. Fart swooped in and was able to detain the 80-year-old after hittingher with a baton. The insists that the machine ate her quarter without dispensing the gum, but Fart insists she's still recovering from the head injury. “It's really good to see how much crime has reduced over the last 11 years,” Fart told the press. “I've become so good at recognizing crime that even our customers are afraid to shop here anymore.” Fart is so confident that crime will remain under control that he spends seven of his eight hours sleeping on the bench outside of Dunham's. Farts defies gravity in his main office As the Cranberry Mall enters its transitional phase of more and more business owners leaving, Fart says that he will remain dedicated to his duty of keeping crime away from the building. Although he misses detaining shoplifters, Fart knows that is the price one pays for being skilled in his practice.

The fountain on Oil City's south side has been sabotaged, with pipes visually detached from their entry point. According to sources, the fountain quit running two days ago, with no accurate estimation as to what day the hijack took place. Witnesses say that they could see a plumber's van leaving the scene. Authorities tried to catch up with the plumbing service van to find out if they saw who hijacked the fountain. Unfortunately, their roller skates were too slow to catch up with the van. Investigations are now taking place to determine who is responsible for disassembling the fountain. Despite experts advising the community not to draw any conclusions before assessments are finalized, President Mayor Blunders accused Elk County in a press briefing today. “There is no doubt that the horrendous act performed against our community is that of Mayor Bighorn, President of Elk County,” Blunders told the press. “The fountain was a symbol of our superior wealth in the world of western Pennsylvania. Though they have crippled the fountain, we will rebuild it once again.” After Blunders was finished making a fool of himself, statisticians noted that Venango County's economy began to improve toward a financially stable state. Experts believe that having the fountain shut off for an entire day was enough to put the county debt at a zero margin. The only thing keeping us from getting into the black are the bridge lights, which keep sucking the energy out of the city. Venango County is currently surrounded, with the Elk military waiting up Seneca Hill for their opportunity to perform their assault on Oil City's south side. Additionally, troops for Warren and East Crawford are also stationed on Oil City's north side, preparing to perform an operation against the capital of Venango County. The fountain is a minor setback to the morale of those who can't see the financial benefit. Nonetheless, we are certain Venango will survive, because the author doesn't want the community to hate him that much.

After 27 years of proudly serving the community, Smokey Bones sadly announced a permanent closure that shocked the region. According to sources, the owner was unable to make a profit on selling specially smoked skeletal remains. Not even his cracked, ribless chunks could save the business. “We had a wide selection of bones that we would cook on the grill with our special homemade seasonings,” states Chef Skeleton. “From bat spine to moose jaw, people would come in seven nights a week to enjoy our calcified jawbreaker dishes.” Unfortunately, the modern generation has come to perceive that it is much tastier to discard the bone rather than the meat. With Smokey Bones failing to adapt to modern preferences, the declining interest in their customer base led to them opening a brand-new chapter—Chapter 11, to be exact. Smokey Bones will no longer be serving the Millcreek Mall with their hard-to-chew dinners. The same mall, which, if someone doesn't do something fast, will begin to look like a Smokey Bones afterthought.

A rocket containing 20 spitballs has just struck a facility outside of Rouseville, leaving 5 people living. Although we would like to claim they are dead for dramatic effect, we are not going to get sued for misinformation. The building was struck at roughly 8 PM this evening. Despite the refinery no longer having anything to do with oil, you can see significant damage caused by whatever did the damage. Damage caused years ago probably by fire unrelated to spitballs The spitballs themselves did nothing, which resulted in the two Titusville military men getting back in their truck to drive toward Oil City. They should arrive by morning. President Mayor Blunders has called on the aide of all Pensylvania Land and Treaty Organization members to come to the defense of Oil City. In a press briefing today, Blunders surfaced from the lower levels of City Hall, which also is the City Outhouse, to encourage PLATO in the efforts to fight the Zugnar Alliance. Blunders speaks while press is out to lunch "Ask not what you can do for your county," Blunders told the press. "But ask what your county can do for us." The PLATO accords are obviously not a result of Blunders' influence. All members of PLATO have military within Venango County borders, with the exception of Forest County. We have been assured by a native of Forest County that they shall offer aide.... We are going to leave Forest County out of this fight so that this man's promise will be broken. Mayor Phil of Punxutawney and Mayor Intelect of Clarion are under the secure watch of Allied military personnel. They have done an effective job in retreating every county that gets attacked. They are currently staying on the highest level of Oil City's only hotel. Oil City still building hotel Mercer County troops are completely recovered from last week's power shortage resulting from them standing out in the rain. An electrician was able to tend to their wounds. All are recovered but one, who died after sticking his gulf club in his face. They are on their way to Oil City as we speak. The Clarion County military members are also on their way to Oil City to screw everything up. Clarion's military, who recently found their way back after being lost in Butler for several months, made a wrong turn when our generals instructed them to get lost in Butler again. Now, they made the wrong turn and, for the first time in their lives, are heading straight for the battle. Clarion military on Route 8 Although West Crawford already has boots on the ground assisting the Jeferson County military retreat, an additional troop has been sent to Franklin, heavily armed with meow mix. He also is on his way to Oil City. His exact location has been hard to pinpoint, as he keeps forgetting to mark his territory. Finally, for the sake of avoiding public backlash, we have decided to allow Forest County to send one troop to our aide, armed with a fishing pole and tackle. There... Now every member of PLATO can feel like they have someone here to protect us. As for Venango County, our youngest military member, 9-year-old Timmy, is standing next to City Hall with several weeks of bad hygiene. President Mayor Blunders intends to use this stench as a deterrent to enemy forces coming from Hasson Heights, Route 8, Route 68, and Seneca Hill. A map of the battlefield is posted below for those of you on the edge of your seats. All dots converging on Venango's Capital.... This isn't real you weirdos! Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County Military are also on their way after allowing East Crawford to surpass the border checkpoint outside of Titusville. Border patrol failure... We are just one big, happy family coming together to fight three counties for no sensical reason. Western Pensylvania, the security of our world is hanging in the balance. Mayor Dumbdumb of East Crawford, Mayor Fossil Fuel of Warren, and Mayor Bighorn of Elk County have united against the cause of PLATO, hoping to bring destruction. Evil mayors trying to end us Their militaries are weak. Our militaries are weak. But together, we are weak and can accomplish nothing. Let us unite and rid the world of all sensical reasoning!