We here at the Venango Republic are complete idiots doing our best to report the most accurate nonsensical information possible. With that said, we sometimes come across posts with obvious implications we intentionally get wrong for stupidity's sake. We promise not to do that here. We may have a track record of breaking them. But you can be sure that we will not let that happen this time. A woman posted to a Mercer community page about a gunner on the loose. Instead of taking a picture of the armed assailant, she captured a nearby dog barking at what we assume to be the gunner. No more information was given other than that the gunner potentially has an owner. As for the dog, we have yet to find out if he survived the gunner at the moment the picture was taken. The woman posting the photo did not seem alarmed by what she observed, suggesting the dog likely survived. Nonetheless, we would like to warn everyone to be careful as the dog also seems somewhat scary. If you see this dog, an assailant holding a gun, or a dog holding a gun, it is recommended that you keep your distance. Do not approach either of these beings as they may pose a danger to your health.

The industrial City of Millcreek is on the brink of collapse after a Facebook post revealed a traffic light requiring contradicting acts. The man posting the picture is reportedly not blind and capable of at least knowing what colors go where, suggesting that the picture has only been doctored with the addition of the arrow. After the post, the town was instantly devastated by tensions never before seen on an economic scale. Between looting, protests turned ugly, and that guy playing neutral so that he doesn't have to reveal his lack of political knowledge..... We all know one ....the region now finds themselves unable to reconcile if drivers encountering that light should completely stop or turn right. The Erie Countial Guard has been called in by President Mayor Paranoia to help suppress the divide before it spreads. With one traffic light now the subject of political controversy, there's no telling what other imperfections may stand out. From tint, to luminosity, to the distance between the light and the ground, all this could provoke more anger if not resolved for all Millcreek traffic lights. Family dynamics are no exception. A recent report found that within minutes of the post being publicized, divorce rates tripled. Additionally, drug use in youth between the ages of 11 to 17 increased 5 times thanks to fathers risking their lives to turn right. Because we don't want this joke to create unnecessary backlash, we will mention that the father's survived and that the drug we are referring to is caffeine. "I just want clarification on what to do in that moment," states the Facebook poster who did not actually say this. "If my traffic light says go when it means stop, I have no guarantee that people on the opposite side aren't facing the same contradiction." Unfortunately, this revelation has the entire town confused. So much, experts are warning that drivers may attempt either option according to their bias. Best practice experts say is to stay inside, lock your doors, and only drive where there are no lights. Better yet, just don't drive period.

A major power surge impacting townships in Venango County reportedly caused an electrical fire at the Sheetz location, with several fire departments responding to the scene. Spectators state that they also saw fire trucks heading towards the UPMC location. Although we are technically a fake news website, we will do our due diligence and not report anything about UPMC. As for the Sheetz location located on 322 and 257, we are able to accurately report that the business no longer has any bedspreads to sell to the public. This report came when our staff asked the owner if they had any more bedspreads, and they gave us a strange look. The economic impacts of the recent power surge go beyond Sheetz's inability to sell their misspelled implications. Several businesses also suffered power outages that left them incapable of functioning for the rest of the evening. The business you saw in the last photo was technically closed during the power surge. We took a picture anyways in order to bring the most dramatic effect possible. Walmart also suffered major setbacks as a result of the power surge. Lighting in the store was incredibly dim, except for the pharmacy, which was supposed to be closed at the time. Traffic lights did not illuminate, forcing drivers to test their common courtesy skills. All in all, the damage was quite minor, but still will require individuals to use caution if they choose to drive this evening. Remember that if you go to Sheetz, they are only able to sell gasoline and other convenience store products from this point going forward. They will no longer be in the business of making bedspreads.

The war is far from over as the Pensylvania Land and Treaty Organization works to regain the lost counties taken by the Zugnar Alliance. The recent success in regaining the entirety of Venango County has instilled hope throughout the known world of Western Pensylvania. As troops progress into the outer regions of West Crawford and Clarion, those residing in the Venango States of America are relieved to know they are finally free. Political powers have learned a huge lesson from last month's mistake in focusing defenses primarily on Oil City. When the Elk County military was unsuccessful in capturing Oil City, they retreated and laid claim to the rest of Venango County. It has taken Mayor Blunders of Oil City almost a month to realize that the lost territory is currently not being guarded by anyone. Regardless, Blunders has elected to recapture it stealthfully with subtle advancements covering 5 feet per day. Allies to Venango County have been more progressive. The Jeferson County military tunneled directly to the edge of Clarion where they were able to repaint the border that was erased by Elk County troops. Now, Venango is officially an independent county again. Peasants everywhere are relieved and celebrating liberation from the Elk Empire. Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America told the press today that the nation of Venango County "will take time to heal, but will rebuild stronger than before." This, of course, is a lie. Elk troops didn't really do anything other than erase the borders, and Venango County will likely continue its decline. Nonetheless, the former land is reclaimed.

A heated debate in Allegheny County has business owners arguing against the proposal of an 18-week paid leave for pregnant mothers. Now, a counterproposal is building more tension among the locals with the suggestion of free child labor to offset the paid time off. We here at the Venango Republic recognize the level of backlash satire like this could bring upon our respectable organization. Consequently, we have decided to use an alternative meaning for the phrase "child labor" so that no one is offended by the implication of newly born infants working long hours in a factory. Viewer discretion is advised "Labor pains are a natural part of giving birth to children," states Claybon Donothing, owner of the Worstchester Outing in Pittsburgh. "The best part is that it is free and can act as a great payoff for making businesses struggle." Donothing believes that women who allow certain practices without a trojan could certainly use the paid leave. However, he also believes that anyone who puts on that much weight effortlessly in a 9-month period should have some hardship if they want to lose it instantaneously. After removing ourselves from that uncomfortable conversation, the Venango Republic investigated the studies of experts weighing the benefits of increased labor pains for employees of businesses paying for parental leave. One survey found that 70% of business owners were on board with the idea of intensifying labor pains, but only for lawmakers who support the 18-week paid leave. As for the lawmakers, a separate study found that they aren't fooling anyone by faking their stupidity. Several business owners reported that they can tell the political leaders know the economic and social impact of forcing businesses to pay five months of leave. Regardless, they still pretend they can't anticipate businesses refusing to hire women to reduce the risk. Lawmakers are also pretending to be too stupid to see businesses inevitably leaving the region. An additional study from Use Your Head University found that political leaders seem to think that politicizing generosity will make people more generous. Despite generosity being a personal trait, the lawmakers supporting 18 weeks of paid leave seem to think that businesses are bound to stay and risk a staff getting pregnant. "No businesses will ever close down even if 75% of their staff must take an 18-week leave," states Complete Moron of Pittsburgh. "At the very least, they probably will offer four times what we are pushing to make a requirement." When citing regions around the world where social laws drove businesses away, Mr. Moron began making ringing noises with his mouth before telling us, "I have to take this. Sorry!" Obviously the tension is high for business owners and mothers who endure the hardship of working while pregnant. Regardless, the true enemies are the politicians who feel like the consequence should fall on the citizens with no control over life's circumstances. Mothers can use the leave with some income, but businesses ethically should not be forced to pay for bedtime fun they could not prevent. Of course, if Allegheny could figure out their budget issues, then maybe they could be the ones offering some kind of provision if they really cared. Just a thought.

A Millcreek resident with ancestry dating back thousands of years is facing backlash for trying to be involved in its local community. According to sources from the Erie Werewolf Times, Ms. Kai O.T. is facing criticism online for her attempt to stand in someone's yard and exist as a form of decor. The outburst began at about 8 p.m. Wednesday evening when Miss O.T. was captured on camera standing in a yard near the J.S. Wilson Middle School. The picture was posted online and immediately went viral, with less than 250 reactions and 41 shares. Comments immediately rained in with discriminatory language targeting the minority. Several individuals went so far as to suggest that the resident with a history of ancestry in the region would go after local dogs and cats who are not native to the region. Speciesists... "It is quite intimidating to realize that so much of the world still exists in a hateful state towards my people," states Ms. O.T. "My family has existed here for generations and are constantly oppressed by these settlers. We've tried our hardest to live at peace and only attempt to eat the children when we are hungry." Jeremy Jetfuel interviews Miss O.T. accompanied by Stone Mason, George Washington, and Summer Intern, Bigfoot. Other discriminatory comments took matters to other extremes. One observer saw the picture of Miss O.T. and began fat-shaming, while another used foul language to suggest that she farts too much. Fur bigots... "I just wish people could put aside their differences and look past the fur," Miss O.T. told the press. "My people are always sure to limit our meals to one serving per day. To think that those we coexist among want to grab rifles to endanger our place in this community." Miss O.T. was forced to end the interview early after realizing that she left the limb she was preparing in the oven. The staff at the Venango Republic respectfully left so her family could enjoy their prey. What we were able to gather during the discussion is that Miss O.T. will continue her career of being a garden gnome. If she does happen to lose her life on the job, she says that she will change to a similar career as wall decor, assuming she is able to get certified by the local taxidermist. The Venango Republic empathizes with Ms. O.T. in a personal way. Much of our staff consists of minorities, with people like our Founder and CEO, Blobbert Blobfish, our Lead Journalist, Jeremy Jetfuel, our Stone Mason, George Washington, our Summer Intern, Bigfoot, and our Winter Intern, Ye Ti, all who have faced the discrimination Ms. O.T. faces on a regular basis. We here at the Venango Republic know what it's like to be one of a kind. Given our fictional status, we do not condone violent or inappropriate stereotypes directed toward any minority group. And now to our weatherman, Indiana Jones.

Shots have been fired near the Boston Store in downtown Erie with many citing what sounded like a discharge of Meow Mix. 3 Elk were observed laying on the edge of State Street disillusioned by what reportedly may be cat food striking them in the face. The incident occurred just moments ago and suggests an uprising of former West Crawford soldiers forming a rebellion. The West Crawford military was disbanded roughly two weeks ago when Elk County took over their nation. East Crawford soldiers now serving under the Crawfordiot Union are currently investigating the cat brand. State Street has now been officially blocked off to all fictional residents of the downtown region. All real people can still go about their business. The Elk who are currently wounded have been rushed to LECOM where they are being admitted to the fictional patient facility. The hospital is currently facing a shortage of fictional medical personnel given that everyone in the hospital is real. Consequently, several fictional patients are being left untreated because the real staff lacks credentials to work with them. Those wounded in the shooting are expected to recover, but may have to live the rest of their nonexistence with Meow Mix embedded in their bodies. Without a specialized doctor to remove the Meow Mix, they are hopeless to be the same as they were before they were struck. The East Crawford military has not announced where the shots came from. It is expected to be one of the ones with a window or outlook. Meanwhile, former West Crawford troops will remain the primary suspects.

For readers residing outside of Venango County, one of our local restaurants now has a protective barrier featuring a guide rail less than six feet long. We don't really have many issues with cars flying into that restaurant, but it seems the city felt the need to place a barrier there anyways. To add to the confusion, those driving on Benjamin's side still get to keep two lanes. However, the one on the far left must turn left now. Images depicting the before and after effect can be seen below. They have been enhanced with stylus technology. Before, all lanes were equal! Now, drivers must merge! This isn't to say that the former order had any issues. We just want people driving dangerous vehicles to battle the risk of potential brain farts while learning to adapt to a new system. For the record, we don't really have people from New Jersey here. Most people here know how to drive. However, now that the barrier's been placed next to Benjamin's, with lanes changing purpose, you can guarantee a few people may look like they learned to drive in New Jersey. You think we're joking? We're actually taking a very serious concern and addressing the matter in the most humorous way possible. When people are used to a lane offering the option to go straight, they may not be entirely focused on the arrow that one day unexpectedly indicates left as the only option. Consequently, you might find some of those drivers flying straight into the vehicles directly in front of them who are moving the opposite direction. We know this because our creator once observed white lines being replaced with yellow ones when he lived in Lancaster. Local drivers used to the double lane still drove on the left side of the yellow lines months after the side in discussion was reduced to a single lane. It's as if they were color blind. Meanwhile, people driving on the Fountain Park side of Franklin have now been forced to reduce their options to a turning lane and a right lane that goes straight. What happens 10 feet after the double lane is turned into a single lane? It turns back into a double lane again, causing us to wonder why we turned it into a single lane in the first place. Was traffic really in need of a change in downtown Franklin? We have noticed big lines of vehicles stretching from one side of Liberty Street to the other. This usually occurs when construction workers are tearing up the road. We will admit this is a major inconvenience, as most of those vehicles require an additional 60 seconds to get all the way through town. Finally, the city is working to resolve minute-long traffic jams caused by road workers they keep sending to Liberty Street. The solution is to reduce both sides of the road to one lane, but only for a 20 foot stretch. It must convert back to two lanes on each opposite side of the traffic light. We are confident that this philosophy of more congestion will reduce the slow pace that has been plaguing drivers every time road workers dig up the street. To help prepare you, as the driver, for the unexpected change in roadway chemistry, we have formed this graph below with common symbols and colors to demonstrate what you may observe as you're driving down Liberty Street in Franklin. Note that the yellow line must always remain on the left side of your vehicle. Additionally, the arrow that points left means you should go left. The arrow that says go straight means you should go straight. The only time you don't listen to these arrows is when they are in a lane separatefrom your own. We also want to mention that you can only cross into another lane when driving over white lines that have breaks between them, almost like they are stretched out dots placed on the road. As much as we would like to cover the science behind traffic lights, we don't want to overwhelm you with information on how many colors there are and what they represent. Instead, we'll leave you with the basic knowledge that we've presented and cover the rest of the details in a future article about crossing intersections. Drive safe and be careful not to look like you're from New Jersey.

The six militaries of the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization are now putting up a fight to escape the entrapment of the Elk Empire. Just less than a month after Venango County was reduced to the size of Oil City, all forces guarding the Venango States Capital are now progressing outward to regain the regions overtaken by Mayor Bighorn's soldiers. Western Pennsylvania last April on the left. Western Pensylvania now on the right. Marching toward the border of the Crawfordiot Union, where less than a month ago the land was divided into three separate counties, the militaries of Mercer, West Crawford, and Venango States special ops are attempting to recapture Meadville. Mercer and West Crawford march in unison on left. Venango military on the right. Meanwhile, east of Oil City, Jefferson Tunnel Hogs are working alongside 9-year-old Timmy, who is Venango County's youngest military member. A Forest County soldier armed with a fishing pole is also doing his part to stay out of the way. As for the Clarion County military, they once again made a wrong turn and got lost in Butler County. Where past attempts to rescue them resulted in weeks of searching, the armies of the PLATO Accords have decided it is best to just let them go. Attacks have already commenced along the region where Venango's former border once existed. In an attempt to re-establish the border, Tunnel Hogs are popping out of the ground attempting to repaint the Google Map lines Elk soldiers had erased. If successful in repainting the border fully, soldiers will then try to recapture the nations of Clarion and Jefferson. A successful campaign will literally cut off the head of the Elk Empire, leaving it only with a right horn, body, and two legs. PLATO is going to let the southern counties fight their own battles.

The decline of participating students at Penn West Clarion has created a fear among locals about the future of their historic university. Since the pandemic of 2020, enrollment has dropped to half of what was originally the annual average attendance. Now, experts are predicting economic hardship stemming from the industry that justified the presence of their young population. In a press release today, university president, Admitda Feet, encouraged students to remind their friends back home that the college still exists. With commercial advertising evidently failing to reach the necessary demographic, Feet is turning to the inferior method of word of mouth. Meanwhile, traditionalists insist the university is thriving as it always did with increased numbers backed by reversing the definition of decline. One former student, Mr. Saladis Gayfruit, states that the falling percentage must be seen through the lenses of denial if salvation is ever to be hoped for improperly. Alternatively, other locals have suggested converting the college into a school for rabid primates, believing that it is in the best interest to advance the evolutionary process so that humans can have equally intelligent cousins with fur. One such supporter requested that the board consider replacing their entire staff with dolphins so that all intelligent species are considered on land and in the sea. The statistics are not looking good for the towns only vibe. A meeting will be held sometime down the road to leave the impression that the board has options.

Minutes ago, Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County military successfully executed an operation that ensured the repossession of their lost industrial City of Franklin. According to reports by President Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America, special ops armed with spitball launchers and 4th of July poppers were able to eradicate one of the Elk Empire's highest ranking leaders. Blunders is now standing before the press gloating of the success. "Caribou Buckar Wapiti Dady is dead." Blunders states in this live transcription of his current press briefing. "He died like an Elk. He died like a coward, whimpering and crying as he crawled to his basement where he illuminated his vest. Our K2 unit did not make it." Blunders accompanied by sleepy Clarion and Jefferson mayors Blunders is right. The K2 unit, consisting of untrained miniature poodles, could not make it to the fight because the military accidentally left them behind in Oil City. Instead, they chased the Elk leader into his basement where he switched on his LED-powered vest and threw it at the soldiers. Venango Special Ops dodged the vest before firing on the enemy with spitballs. Wapiti Dady was struck in the neck five times before instantly dying of covid. With Franklin now in the possession of Venango County, the Zugnar Alliance is now split down the middle. The passage of Route 322 stretching between Clarion and Meadville is no longer completely controlled by the Elk Empire or Crawfordiot Union. The allies of the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization, also known as PLATO, may now continue progressing both directions in an attempt to overthrow the enemy of Warren, East Crawford, and Elk County. "They didn't even go through the door." Blunders states this very second. "If you were a normal person, you would say knock knock and go through the door. But they blasted their way in with poppers they bought from Sheetz." You read that correctly. This infrastructure was so bad that even 4th of July celebration poppers managed to blow the door off its hinges. Much more work is to be done in the near future if the Elk Empire is to be overthrown by the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization. Mayor Intellect of Clarion, and Mayor Phil of Punxsutawney, are now in discussion of how to advance their troops stealthfully eastward down 322 to take the Elk by surprise. Venango faces the same dilemma in freeing Mayor Dogfood from East Crawford's hold. The recent proposed plan can be observed below... Venango in light blue moving west. Clarion and Jefferson in gold moving east. The Elk will hopefully never see it coming.

A new chapter is about to begin in the story of Oil City's revival. Not one birthed from cliche visions observed in prior civilizations. But one with variety and an appeal to popular demand. Where lights illuminating from the ugliest bridge have drawn some as far as the Main Street Program, and an overpriced fountain as many as can afford a dime for a wish, more projects are in the making that will ensure security for the future of what has become the pride of everyone pretending to have optimism. Here are seven projects coming to Oil City. Bars The nightlife of Oil City is about to become stabilized by several establishments outnumbering the demand. Although the current distributors are mostly open Wednesday through Saturday from 5 PM to 11 PM, we're going to open more hoping that it draws people who haven't had alcohol before. Residents in the nearest larger cities are likely to take since being stuck in Pittsburgh and Cleveland doesn't require drinking to cope. Wine and Beer Tasting Establishments Exaggerated outcome for optimistic motivation Unlike the first attraction, this one is certain to draw tourists who are willing to drive several hours to drink. Although it is not definite, ignorance suggests that Oil City is the only place to get alcohol in Pennsylvania. It just makes sense to keep opening businesses that overwhelm this category. Countertop Drink Sitting Places with Alcohol Flavor OOPS! Pessimist side came out.... We know what you're thinking. We already have these and they are likely to compete. Just listen. The establishments will also serve food.... All of them.... The same kind of food.... Just bear with us! Each business owner will encourage their customers to support the other business owners who sell the same stuff. This means that if a customer eats an entire burger and fries at one place, they will be encouraged to stop by the other places to eat even though they are probably full. We only need to hope that they push themselves! Building with Adult Beverages as Primary Feature They can dream This is probably the most unique out of what we have covered so far. But we aren't going to say any more. We don't want to spoil the surprise. Business with Booze Not the kind you cheer at a game when your team is failing. The kind you drink when you want alcohol. Basically, every joke we have told so far. Pre-Alcoholics Anonymous Participant Lifestyle Location Eh.... Maybe in Franklin.... What excites us most about bringing in more bars is the increased demand for Alcoholics Anonymous. More alcohol is perfect for combating the domino effect causing a lack of demand for AA meetings. Technically, there always has been a demand here. But more bars really helps. Drink Place with Potential Consequence This looks more like Clarion For local pessimists who whine about the decline, this is perfect for lifting your spirits. Can't afford it? Just be sure not to vocalize the need for industry with positive economic impacts justifying the existence of such establishments. We don't want to offend them "optimists." Conclusion We've already passed up the opportunity of honoring our veterans with lights on the nicest bridge in town thanks to some bright idea to honor a local non-profit with the ugliest bridge in town. We can't keep making mistakes. This is nothing like the craft stores people pretended to want in the Cranberry Mall after Bon-Ton closed. We actually want these bars. We just need to be sure not to think about economic needs to justify their existence. If you pretend something isn't needed, it probably isn't. This logic works and is exactly why Oil City successfully got its own trampoline park. See! Be an optimist who doesn't talk about necessity and maybe some of these establishments will survive.... Some of them.... Maybe....