Explore Clarion Covers HVAC Contract Drama Like It’s ‘Dateline,’ But It’s Still Just Ted and a Thermostat

Explore Clarion has entered the world of comedy news. Or they are just trying really, REALLY hard to look bigger than a small-town source.

In a recent article citing an incident most of the county was not aware of, the five-staff news website included a thumbnail of a guy who looked like he was sitting in a television interview for 60 Minutes. The difference is, they did not include a video — because they only write news. They don’t broadcast live footage because they don’t have a CNN budget.

The article opens like it’s unraveling the biggest conspiracy since sliced bologna. Read a little, and you find out it's just about an HVAC company most Clarion residents didn't even do business with.

Breaking news: Company that 92% of the population never hired has allegedly disappointed some people. Clarion braces for... nothing.

Is the news sad? Yeah, for the people it impacted.

Is it interesting? In a small-town way...

But Explore Clarion is acting like Deets Mechanical was the cultural cornerstone of our community. Meanwhile, most of the readers are probably thinking, “Wait, they closed?”

It's not just the article either. Just look at the header on their website. They’re posing like we wake up every morning just to see them on live television — like someone has looked at that header and said, “Omg, it’s her from Explore Clarion!”

Mind you, all they do is write articles that most of us scroll past after reading the headline. That’s nothing against them. It’s just how human laziness in a digital age works. So why the heck are we posing like we're the biggest icons to set foot in the isolated town of Clarion?

Blurry staff poses like we know who they are....

Is the article newsworthy? Again, in a small-town way.

But this whole deal of presenting it like a major news story is a bit overblown — and only justifiable for our site because we identify as satirical. Unless Explore Clarion wants to get a trans-news procedure, it’s best for them to tone it down a bit. Just write your news in a small-town way and leave the exaggerated persona to us.

Meanwhile, Clarion residents can continue hiring the HVAC guy who works for cash and accepts payment in scratch-offs.

This just in: Explore Clarion staff investigating a missing pizza roll scandal at Country Fair. Residents are asking, “Who burned the bottom?”