The Mayor of Oil City has taken a second job. Mayor Blunders stated in a press briefing today that "after 30 years of poor financial decisions regarding Oil Cities welfare, it is time to get an honest job." Mayor Blunders will be Franklin Elementaries senior janitor. Mayor Blunders is not concerned about the city being left to his vice Mayor, Mrs. Blunders. He believes that his wife's former experience as the Secretary of Venango County Defense more than prepares her for this role. The Mayor will work between the hours of 7:30 to 3 in the afternoon before going to the City Hall Outhouse to continue his workday as Mayor of Oil City.

In a recent article , the Venango Republic made the mistake of stating that Venango County currently has no accomplishments. Readers objected instantly to the notion and demanded we offer resources to back up this claim. We reached out to local Historians from the Venango Campus to conduct a survey on the County historical records. Harold Dumbottom is the one and only historian on the Venango Campus staff. With an Associates in County History, which the Campus agreed to give him provided he does not practice outside the county, Dumbottom agreed to meet with us to study the last 30 years of the counties history. Dumbbottom opened a giant book listing the city accomplishments. On the first page, he began to read "Ve..... Ven..... Venang....... Venango......" Dumbottom is still learning to read. We took the book from Dumbottom and deciphered a revealing inscription.... "Venango County has no accomplishments in the 30 years preceding March 15, 2025. It will not have any accomplishments for the rest of it's existence either." We here at the Venango Republic were blown away by this inscription. Apparently, someone just before the industry collapsed in the early 90s predicted we would be researching this subject on March 15 2025. They also predicted we would not have any future either. Additionally, there were no accomplishments listed in the book as the prediction stated meaning, Venango County has nothing to brag about...

A mass city wide effort took place today in the rebuilding of the City Hall in downtown Oil City, which also acts as the City Outhouse. Mayor Blunders signed an executive order demanding towns folk to sacrifice excess wood from houses caving in on the north side. The reconstruction came after the Mayor set the old Outhouse on fire earlier this week. "We aren't mad about the new order" stated Emperor Palpatine, elderly citizen in town "my house has gone to complete waste with just as many roof leakages as the old Sears building in Cranberry." The towns folk offering wood from their houses saved the town hundreds in expenses. Citizens gladly offered up their floorboards believing this project contributes to the preservation of the towns integrity. "It'll take a lot of work to clean up the fecal matter that flew across town when the last one exploded" states one citizen "nonetheless, building the Outhouse was top priority. I've been holding it for two days!" Experts from Clarion University predict that lines outside of the new Outhouse will extend to all 20 town citizens. City funds could not cover the new Bidet Toilet System Mayor Blunders proposed for the new City Hall. Blunders insisted that it was a necessary purchase in the case of another fire. The city of Franklin has offered to cover the charge of 25 dollars for the Bidet Toilet System with a loan Oil City will be paying over the next 25 years. Explanation for you young readers... Construction of the new City Hall has been completed meaning Mayor Blunders can stop taking up office at the central City McDonald's.

We here at the Venango Republic choose to remain neutral on significant public affairs. We recognize that networks catering to one side over another are bound to leave some people angry. Because it's our goal to make everyone angry, we've looked for the arguments nobody likes and have decided to throw them in your face in the most distasteful way. It was roughly 7 years ago when a bench sitting in the most overly funded poor excuse for a park caused controversy for roughly a week. After the conflict was resolved, everyone moved on and forgot the bench existed. Because the Venango Republic loves to stir the pot, we have chosen to go back in time and revisit this controversy. Because we don't like anybody and are trying to make the whole public mad at us, we must warn in advance that if you are an atheist, or religious, or even exist for that matter, we will not be apologizing for what you are about to read mainly because we are a bunch of heartless pricks. Now, sit back, relax, and get ready for your blood to boil as you read about the bench that should have been benched. It was a sunny day... Possibly raining... We don't know because the prick who stirred the pot won't reveal themselves... They were walking through Oil Cities far cry from a concert hall when all of the sudden, an inanimate object offended them! Mind you, inanimate objects can't talk, and this person finding pleasure in walking through Oil Cities wanna be Central Park does suggest some insanity. However, when you read the inscription written on the bench they observed, you begin to get caught between two forms of rationale... This presents quite a dilemma... On one hand we are raised to believe that sticks and stones can break our bones but words can't do a thing... On the other hand... The bench is calling atheists tyrants even though many of them vote for Christians sometimes. Of course, that bench is telling some truth if the Christian voted for by the atheist winds up being a tyrant. On the other hand, if a bunch of atheists don't vote for a Christian, but all the other Christians manage to vote that Christian in anyway, and the Christian isn't a tyrant, then those athiests aren't being ruled by a tyrant because the Christians outweighing their numbers prevented that from happening meaning the bench is wrong! 🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵 One thing is for sure. Whoever made that bench is a prick. Additionally, the person offended by the prick became a prick too because they chose to contact an organization of pricks who threatened to sue the city. Wow! There are so many sides to this story! I don't know which one to prick! The organization was American Athiests, who despite having the initials AA were not drinking heavily when they threatened to sue. Mind you, they have never been to the city before or after the incident. Neither did they know Oil City existed. They also don't remember Oil City exists because it's a town people try to put out of their minds. Nonetheless they threatened to sue which is ironic you can do that to a town you have no association with. Dang! I am religious, but I could really use the money. You mean becoming rich is as easy as denouncing my faith for a few seconds and suing a town I've never been to? Count me in! P.s. I'm sorry God... I got carried away... At least I know I'm a prick. The president of Alcoholics Anonymous appeared on Tucker Carlson to plead her case and proved to be a prick like the guy who designed the bench... Nothing screams Karen like Alison Gill, who on this platform, we will refer to as Assholey Assatan (We don't want a defamation lawsuit for using her real name). Fox News had very little impact on changing the outcome of the situation the world could care less about. Nonetheless Oil Cities compliance was not without boldness. Oil City moved the bench to avoid a lawsuit because they already wasted 300 thousand on a fountain and lights for an ugly bridge. The town showed up in droves to voice their patriotism... Wow! That really screams January 6th at an Oil City level... Eventually, everyone moved on and forgot this was a thing. As for the bench, it was moved from the Oil City Park to the VFW across town. Or in layman’s terms... From one location nobody walks by to another location nobody walks by. 7 years later and the bench made by a prick doesn't impact anyone. It doesn't impact the athiests who forgot it was there. It also doesn't impact the Christians who, despite treating it like a holy relic, have not visited it since... Basically, we got worked up because we couldn't decide which abandoned place to put the bench. Also... What God did that bench want us to worship? Technically they all denounce eachother so I wanna know so I'm not ruled by tyrants... Is it Buda? Alah? Jesus? Johny Depp? I REALLY NEED TO KNOW! Maybe it's a God we don't have access to like the one the North Sentinels worship (actual island of uncontacted natives who aggressively spear people down when they step on the island).... If it's that God, we're screwed!

The Venango Republic does everything we can to find the most interesting stories possible throughout the County. This requires hard work and dedication. The reason why we have so much success is due to our tireless efforts that outweigh other inferior news outlets in the region. And now for our main story of the day. A man stepped onto his porch today on the north side of Oil City. It was unclear at the time what he had in mind to do. Eventually, he turned left and walked over to his rocking chair. Back and forth he rocked constantly for a number of minutes. After about 20 minutes, he stood up, stretched his arms out, and let out a big yawn.... Then he sat down again and rocked back and forth. Eventually, 45 minutes into rocking his chair, he closed his eyes and started to snore. Local police had nothing to say. The man eventually woke up and picked up his news paper. There he was... reading and rocking back and forth. The man completed the first page and then turned to the second page. He read that for a while and then turned to a third page. After the third page, he put the paper down because the Derrick is less interesting than this. The man got up out of his seat after about 5 hours and went inside to eat. He then came outside and sat down again rocking back and forth. The man did this for another two hours before going back to bed. According to the man, he will resume his sitting tomorrow at 10 AM.

May will mark 2 years since the Polk Center officially closed. Since the closure, Venango County has struggled to maintain an economic structure that can compete with a local Goodwill. With an economy that depends 100% on state funding to survive, losing the only state funded program lost the county 100% of their inflow. "This was a major hit" says an anonymous resident that doesn't actually exist "with no money coming into the county, all we have is what circulates between the 52 residents that make up Venango." The danger of this is if any of that money leaves the county. It is estimated that the county has between 56 and 57 dollars circulating between the residents and businesses. Any less, and we would easily classify as a third world county. What makes things even scarier is that Mayor Blunder is still insisting on succeeding from the United States to form his own "Venango States of America." If this executive order is signed, Venango County will immediately classify as a third world country. The Venango County House of Representatives is working hard to block this executive order to declare the county an independent nation. The house leader, who actually is the only member of the house, and also the Mayors sister, says that vetoing this order will only be effective if Mayor Blunder doesn't veto her veto. In this case, she would have to veto his veto of her veto. If he then veto's that veto, any veto's to follow will be too complex for their second grade level brains to keep track of. The economy of Venango County is barely surviving. Members of the City of Franklin have proposed an appeal to the state Governor to open another center like the Polk Center. So far, the only idea has been to use it for corn hole tournaments which is Venango Counties idea of a major attraction.

The Venango Republic is having our annual survive the island event at North Sentinel Islands. Participants dumb enough to show will give our journalists their money before going onto an island where the government of India forbids trespassers. The game is simple. Natives on the island are known to spear down everyone who trespasses. If you manage to survive, you get your money back. Proceeds go to support the Venango Republic satirical trust fund. Oh, and BTW, if you haven't got the hint this event is a joke and that you should not go to the island, you're a moron. There is no surviving the island event, and we do not recommend you trying to set foot on that island.

The Venango Republic is the talk of the county! Now just short of 100 followers, which exceeds Venango Counties population by 51, we are now more popular than the Derrick (the D is silent) and Explore Venango. "I don't understand how we fell this far behind" says Darth Vader, chief executive director of Explore Venango "we were trying to maintain a steady following of 15 people before we suddenly dropped to 10 Subscribers. Next thing I know, the Venango Republic gets 10 times the following we have!" While it's true Explore Venango has a long history with the county, they are extremely unpopular and only subscribed to because there's no other choice available. The Derrick (the D is silent) is also not liked, mainly because they don't have anything to talk about. Their paper is so uninformative, they regularly send out a single page that's half blank. Unfabricated picture full issue dated 3/13/25 Explore Venango also lacks a plethora of news. Although updating their website recently so it doesn't look like it's out of the early 90s, they have absolutely no news posted in 2025 as seen in the unfabricated picture below. For proof that this is not fabricated, click the following link https://www.explorevenango.com/ . This probably explains why people find these news sources dull and unhelpful for exploring worthwhile things about the county. As people pay for the paper, they expect to get good stories about the society surrounding them. The Derrick (the D is silent) hasn't had a good story to tell in 30 years. We on the other hand posted 30 in the last week! No wonder people are turning to us. As for Explore Venango, it's been suggested that they have 39 thousand followers on Facebook. Not so! We looked into this, and as you can see in the unfabricated picture below, they only have 10 followers and likes. This just goes to show how important a refreshing professional news source like the Venango Republic is. The fact we're using a free Wix database to run our domain and yet still manage to get more followers says a lot about the counties desperation for better news.

A local journalist is being investigated after a woman died watching a video he sent to her. Jeremy Jetfuel is the only journalist for the Venango Republic, and is currently writing this article. In an attempt to gain notoriety, Jetfuel shared an article to a Facebook page where your typical Karen, whose name was Karen Bowlmovement, responded with disgust. "You have no right to post this!" Stated Bowlmovement "I'm going to report you to your job for exercising freedom of speech!" In an attempt to show this Karen things could be worse, Jetfuel posted a Jimmy Carr stand up routine. "I didn't know she would watch it" Said me.... I'm Jeremy Jetfuel... "I posted the video thinking she would know who he is and from there exercise good judgement." Evidence suggests Bowlmovement either didn't know of Jimmy Carr, or poorly judged her limits. After watching the video, she died of cardiac arrest. The Venango Republic is shocked by this event and has reached out to the parents of the late Bowlmovement. "We are so happy you killed her" says Bob, father of the late Bowlmovement "we literally could not stand that b******************************************************************************************." Bob Bowlmovement has just deposited 200 dollars to the Oil City swear jar. "We could tell she was a Karen the night we conceived her" says Leslie Bowlmovement, Wife of Bob Bowlmovement and mother of the late Bowlmovement "I'm genuinely a sweetheart. But after conception, I acted so demonic, my husband asked if I was possessed. I looked at him wide eyed and said 'I think I conceived a Karen.' We were immediately in fear of what we had created. Sure enough, I gave birth to that b*************************************************************************************************." This just in, swear jar puts Oil City in the black. The Bowlmovement's did everything they could to keep their daughter away from the public eye while raising her. This resulted in excessive stress that put them on the verge of insanity. It wasn't until they moved to Venango County that their daughter found a community she could relate to. The Venango Republic has offered to pay reparations for the contribution we made to Bowlmovement's death. The parents of the late Bowlmovement state that they should be paying us for the salvation we brought to the world. The Bowlmovement's have offered the Venango Republic 25 thousands dollars in the form of a cashiers check thanking us for putting their daughter into cardiac arrest. The Venango Republic was somewhat shocked by such a proposal. To think! Two parents offering money as a reward for their daughter Karen's death?!?!?! We accepted the money because we want the public to hate us... The Venango Republic will use the funds for a good cause. We will buy a jack hammer to mar Karen's grave.

You read that right! After 5 days of diligently delivering breaking news stories, much of which might not be entirely honest, the Venango Republic is being threatened. According to 9 different Facebook support representatives, who oddly don't have profile pictures, and whose names don't sound like they're from California, we have "24 hours to submit an appeal or our Facebook will be terminated." The Venango Republic takes this threat from 5 days ago very seriously... We're also glad they've been reminding us with different accounts for the last five days that we have 24 hours left to exist... We were especially grateful to Mario's coworker who coincidentally, left his green hat and mustache at home... Look at the official numbers. Obviously we're in hot water for violating whatever this "42, University of Southern California, weird looking dollar sign, 1283 (covid craze year)" community standard is. Thanks Luigi for looking out for our account. Now please fix our pipes! What's interesting about these different representatives is that their appeal forms always have different domains. Take Marek Malman for example. Not only did he save us the trouble of making up a ridiculous name for him, but he also went out of his way to design his own website so that Facebook wouldn't be overloaded with our appeal. Obviously, shorten dot TV refers to an associate of Facebook, a multi billion dollar company that can't afford to have an appeal process on its own website. One of the Venango Republics biggest crimes however is stealing Facebooks intellectual property. We here at the Venango Republic had no idea this was happening. That is until Damian Damian told us so... Once again, thank you Facebook support for choosing staff with stupid names like this. Maybe we were stealing your intellectual property all this time unknowingly. Great minds do think alike! Eventually, Facebook support did catch us off guard while reminding us of the deletion that was supposed to occur 5 days ago. A representative with a real picture messaged us... We're not even going to try to pronounce that name... And to be honest, things were looking very suspicious. The Venango Republic had to be honest with this California native... Unfortunately, Facebook support has not sent us their social security number as of yet. Nonetheless, they are insistent we fill out their form on the various links that keep changing... We would love to submit an appeal, but we're not quite sure which one Facebook wants us to use. Facebook has become much more laid back in their professional standards. You would expect customer support specialists to dress formal when reaching out to clients. For this particular one however, they are totally fine with him tailgating for work... We're starting to think these people are not actually Facebook. Also, we don't have any Instagram... Eventually, Facebook support fired their profile picture people for dressing too casual and instead hired a white blob wearing headphones... And once again we're back to non American names. The Venango Republic did not want to put this off too long. We know Facebook struggles to meet deadlines in shutting down accounts. When they say they're going to take action, they obviously never do and as you can see, would rather warn people with a dozen sketchy representatives who give various suspicious links. To be fair to Facebook, rather than waiting to find out what form they wanted us to use, we chose the one sent by Marek Malman. Mainly because we like tv, and his link was called shorten dot TV. When we got to the form, we filled things out to the best of our ability...

The Cranberry Mall has been cut in half due to a giant pothole in their parking lot. Authorities say that a pothole had been growing exponentially in recent weeks and was coming dangerously close when locals reached out to the Mall owner. The owner of the property did not respond to the public concerns because it makes total sense to buy a property and let it go to waste. As of this morning, the pothole crept up to the eastern side of the building and reportedly "swallowed half the building." Authorities say they've been watching this pothole closely as it is the primary suspect for 3 missing vehicles including a semitruck. The Cranberry Mall, which in recent years has become a place to go when you want to feel better about your life, has seen a massive growth in businesses that close after the first week of opening. Mall owners say that their business strategy is to draw entrepreneurs in who are caught up in the "I can contribute to this cause mentality." "Venango County has plenty of people who see potential in our ancient ruins" says the Mall Owner, who may not have actually said this to us "we like to give them the chance to learn the hard way by setting them up to fail." The owner of the mall does not seem concerned with half his building falling into a pothole. According to the owner, the mall is still visible standing up sideways. Based on their philosophy, people will just have to learn to shop on an incline.

Local stripper Gladyss I'mdead (age 86) died earlier today after receiving a hip replacement and immediately breaking it. Gladyss was in surgery for 6 days at ICUP Medical Center in Seneca and failed to realize that the doctors made her prosthetic hip 2 feet too long for her leg. Gladyss jumped out of her bed to rehearse her dance routine where she lost her balance and fell to the floor. Doctors found Gladyss on the floor frustrated with the complex nature of her Life Alert button. She was rushed to a nearby ambulance when doctors suddenly realized they were already at the hospital. On the way back to the room, Gladyss finally figured out how to press her Life Alert button. Unfortunately it was too late. She died of covid before reaching her room. Gladyss was known to the town as a gentle hearted church goer. She would play the organ every Sunday and lead Sunday school for the local children. Gladyss would spend her evenings at local pubs performing as a stripper to help save for college. Gladyss, like the rest of Oil City, had not graduated second grade but was hopeful one day she would attend Harvard or Yale. Funeral proceedings take place this Saturday at the local bingo hall. It is expected that all elderly men in town will be attending, who consequently, are also available bachelor's.