The Oil City council met this week to vote on what was supposed to be the banning of self service at a local kiosk. Instead, due to a clerical error, council members voted to ban themselves instead. "We read the part about people having to wait in line" said one councilman "that did not sit well with us since standing in line takes forever. So we banned our council to prevent that from happening to us." It was not until the council attempted to schedule their next meeting that they realized they no longer exist. The board tried to vote themselves back into existence but found that they had no power to do so since they have officially stripped themselves of their authority. A special election is being considered to fill the now vacant council seats. Unfortunately, no one in town has the power to call such an election leaving the town without anyone to make choices for the city.

A recent study found that people are always dissatisfied with the weather. According to surveys conducted all across the county, people hate cold weather as well as hot weather, proving that the only climate locals truly enjoy is complaining. A survey found that 96 percent of locals hate the cold and believe winters are too extreme. An additional 4 percent stated that the cold winter "builds character" just before sneezing. On the exact same survey, those who reported winter being too cold also state that summer heat is only bearable during a cookout. In which case, they will still complain that it is too hot just before horking down their spicy barbecue chicken sandwich. In total, 100% of respondants filled in the "ideal weather" section with "whatever isn't happening today." Scientest also noticed that all survey takers complained about the weather while taking the survey about complaining about the weather. In conclusion, experts say the only forecast Venango residents will ever agree on is a 100% chance of dissatisfaction — with scattered grumbling and a high-pressure front of passive aggression.

A fugitive who police have been looking for across the State has finally turned himself in after realizing there is not way to escape Oil City. According to police reports, Mr. Standup Behindim sat for hours outside the country fair in Oil City trying to get something called an Uber. The man kept trying to refresh his smart phone only to continually get the spinning wheel of despair. After about 6 hours of waiting, the suspect reportedly asked someone how he would get this Uber he keeps talking about. Behindim was reportedly told that Uber does not exist in Venango County. Not even as a myth. The man was perplexed by this reality and tried to get something called a Lyft instead. Much like the Uber app, Lyft kept sending him a message which said "try walking instead." Behindim asked local residence what transportation services were available. He was directed to a red wagon at the edge of town with a sled team consisting of 2 stray cats. Behindim imediately turned himself in reasoning that the local police might have transportation to help him escape the county...... They don't. The cops are still going around on roller skates.

Jeremy Jetfuel recently reported being prevented access to the lavatry at the Office Bar and Grille. Upon entering the establishment on Tuesday, it was discovered that a group of student painters rallied to block the Office Bar and Grille bathroom. After further investigation, Jetfuel determined that the people blockading the bathroom were participants in the "Paint & Sip" event, a fundraiser put on for United Way. Jeremy Jetfuel selfie with nobody looking What interested Jetfuel most about the event was that, in spite of the name, nobody was actually sipping their paint after putting it on their canvas. Instead, attendees would order drinks from the bar tender and sip those instead. Despite the confusion surounding the name, Jetfuel noted that those participating were having a really good time. Additionally, unlike a preschool artclass, none of the canvases involved a single hand turkey. The art quality landed somewhere between a preschool finger painting and a Picasso — yet somehow managed to resemble neither, and possibly offended both. Nonetheless, attendees praised the event for allowing full grown adults to test their skills in a way they normally could not do in a setting where their presechool children are pulling out their hair. The event managed to raise $600 for the worthy cause and is something they may consider doing sometime down the road according to the CEO. This of course depends on whether the bar can recover from the emotional toll of having its bathroom mistaken for a paint supply closet. While the paintings may not be gallery-bound, the impact of the event extends far beyond the canvas. United Way of Venango County continues to support critical programs in education, financial stability, and health — ensuring local families have access to tutoring, emergency assistance, and basic needs. Events like Paint & Sip  not only raise essential funds but also bring the community together in ways that are fun, memorable, and only mildly confusing to journalists looking for a bathroom. With $600 raised and plenty of smiles shared, the evening was a colorful success in more ways than one.

A 31 year old woman is in critical condition after attempting to say the words "I'm sorry" to her husband. According to witnesses, the woman fell to the ground in severe pain after barely saying "I'm so......" Witnesses say she tried to say the words several times while lying on the floor but could not manage to complete the phrase. According to doctors, her continual attempts may have damaged her ego. "I can't believe she pushed herself so hard!" says the husband of the inflated head "I told her to write it out, but she actually tried to say it verbally." The subject was immediately taken to the ICUP Hostpital in Seneca where she is currently hooked up to life support. Medical experts tried to also hook her up to a machine designed for removing the lies from her heart. Unfortunately, her heart was so ice cold they were forced to tell her "we'll defibrillator." It is unclear if the patient will ever recover from the state of feeling too important to complete her apology. Medical personel say that her brick wall personality might solidify her unwillingness, and consequently, put her husband in an asylum. This story brought to you by all the pricks in this world who think owning up to their mistakes makes them look weak. Guess what.... You are weak! Pretending not to be wrong doesn't make you look strong! Try Uranium Food Products today!

Jeremy Jetfuel, lead journalist of the Venango Republic, was prevented ease of access to the Office Bar and Grille bathroom located in the back of the establishment. At around 6:55 PM, Jetfuel stopped in at the bar when he unexpectedly needed to take a dump to avoid soiling himself the solid way. Jetfuel pulled his car into the parking lot located on 801 Liberty St in Franklin. Upon entering the front door, he was met by several student painters blocking his access to the bathroom in the back! Jetfuels view from the front end bar... "It was an incredibly awkward moment" states Jetfuel "I was left wondering if I should plow through the crowd, or risk walking around to the back door...." With time running out for Jetfuels bowels, he took a seat and ordered a soda water infused with Berry Blast Drink Enhancer. You should try it! Then wonder why you did..... After chugging the drink, Jetfuel realized he made the fatal error of filling his bladder, thereby forcing him to take immediate action! Jetfuel jumped the counter at the bar and ran past the bouncer who was horking down a cheeseberger. Jetfuel made it to the bathroom successfully and avoided the embarassment of soiling himself both ways. As for the painters, it was never completely explained to Jetfuel who they were or why they felt it necessary to block the quickest route to commode.

What city officials are calling the new "Ballanced Confusion Traffic Initiative" will consist of one way signs pointing at eachother. This came after an uproar forced the city council to consider the unfair nature of our one way street system. "It's time we push for equality" states Mayor Blunders "it's not fair for traffic to be forced to go one way when a road might sometimes prefer the opposite direction." Mayor Blunders still thinks roads have human thinking ability with feelings we must be attentive to. With the Venango County House of Representatives moments away from passing a bill that could disrupt a more common sense based traffic system, many are wondering if they have considered the car wrecks that could take place from such a ridiculous bill. According to the Speaker of the House, the Mayors sister, passing the bill would most assuredly have her brother impeached, which she has wanted since he first made it into office. The contradictory one way traffic signs will be installed next week. Experts predict massive public confusion immediately. If such is the case, evey city resident is advised to stay in doors until the Mayor ceases to exist.

It's true! Staying beneath a roof during a shower will help prevent you from getting wet! In a recent study conducted by professors at Venango Campus, it was discovered that staying inside during a rain ensured the individual would not get wet. Contrarily, subjects who remained outside reported getting soaked. This research suggests that avoiding the rain fall could require a roof covering of some sort. Scientists decided to dive deeper into this phenomenon. First, they placed a subject on top of a roof holding a metal pipe during a lightning storm. The study found that standing with a metal rod in hand increased the chances of being struck. The subject had nothing to say because now he's dead. Following this result, scientists tried to revive the individual by placing their body under water and leaving it soak for an hour. At this point, the study lost all sense of reason. When the body was removed from the water, it was discovered that not only was it still dead. The subject was also wet just as if he came out of a rain storm. This finding suggests that immersing oneself in water will not dry the individual. There is still a lot of research to be done in this area according to researchers at Venango Campus. What can be determined is that water most assuredly makes whatever it touches wet.

The potholes are becoming just as plentiful as the potheads. Ironically, Mayor Blunders has an admiration for both it seems. According to sources, Blunders wants to keep the potholes in the region growing and even add more to help avoid paying for speedbumps. In a recent press briefing Mayor Blunders declared that potholes were "the perfect solution for keeping those idiot drivers in check." Following the press briefing, Blunders accidentally spilled his alphabet soup all over his lap while trying to drive through the Cranberry Mall parking lot. Blunders suffered 3rd degree burns and immediately sued McDonald's for "failing to ward him the soup was hot....." It was Blunders wife who made the soup..... Not McDonald's..... Later that day, Blunders could be seen holding a shovel in the middle of Route 8 trying to break through the concrete. Fortunately, he didn't have the muscle to lift the shovel and broke his back trying. Unfortunately, he is still alive....

It's true! Plucking live chickens before stabbing them with a fork helps reduce anxiety as it builds a sense of dominance. A study from Venango County Campus found that chickens are incredibly plentiful. So much, professors at the wanna be University could justify inhumane experiments to test it's effect on humans. The results proved beneficial! The chickens were placed in a room with a bowl of water and only their chicken like nature. One by one, they were chased with a taser (courtesy of Razor Wire Tampons) before being plucked to death. The results proved that exercising dominance over pre-barbecued fried favorites enhances one's sense of self worth. Sponsored Once the subjects were mangled, they were donated to a Chick Filet where their bodies served as a satisfying alternative to tongue souse. Never heard of tongue souse? It's a real thing! See for yourself.... Straight from the trash compactor Word got back to Clarion University who this time pretended they weren't home. Unfortunately, the president eventually had to come outside where he was approached and learned the truth of what happened. He is disappointed and wishes he could pluck Venango County Campus from his oversight. As for the chickens, they will live on the memories of those who got to enjoy the fried versions of themselves. As for those gullible enough to believe this fabricated news story, they too will live on in the memories of those smart enough to grasp satiracle humor. As for those who take offense to such satiracle humor.... Why don't you take offense to the fact that chickens get their heads cut off all the time?

An insurmountable portion of listings for apartments on Facebook Market (which are obviously not scams) show that supermodel Latina's are moving to the area. According to sources, you can be the renter of a property managed by a gorgeous beautiful fashion model who has no other career options outside of Oil City. Included in the package is a 5 bedroom apartment with free utilities going for 300 a month! All you have to do is give them your social security number without verifying that it's a real listing. But wait! If you act right now, you'll get abolutely nothing for the information you give them in return. This offer will not last because scammers change their profiles constantly. Want to see the apartment before you hand money over? Ask and they'll make up some dramatic excuse as to why you are wasting their time (which you should). There is no better place to find an apartment with granite counters, a rooftop pool, and a maid named Juanita than your diluted imagination. So act now if you don't mind being taken advantage of! What are you waiting for? Maya obviously wants a tenant with a bulging gut and coffee stained shirt! She made it very clear when she messaged you that there could be "no other man than you." So go ahead and start that Zelle transaction! That glowing godess with a professionally edited swimsuit picture is nothing uncommon to Oil City. You know that! If you're suspicious, don't worry - her profile has zero friends and was born last Tuesday.....

Yes.......