The self-declared president of East Crawford County is demanding evidence from Venango for their claims that they have successfully landed on the Moon. According to reporters from the Crawford Carnage, Mayor Dumdum of Titusville is accusing Mayor Blunders of Oil City of faking the Moon landing. Tension between Venango County and East Crawford has been at an all-time high for the last several months. Back in April, East Crawford sought to justify the name of their high school football team by launching a rocket into the air. The $20 toy purchased from their local Walmart successfully made it 10 feet, to which Mayor Dumdum announced that they had successfully been to space. A Cold War has existed between both neighboring counties ever since, which ultimately resulted in Venango County claiming this month that they had been to the Moon . Photo evidence was added showing three astronauts that Blunders insists had boarded a foot-tall rocket that he purchased from the Walmart in Cranberry. Although citizens of Venango County are confident that the pictures are genuine, the photography has raised much controversy in East Crawford County, which is still questioning why Mayor Blunders appears in one of the photos when he insisted that he was still on Earth during the mission. Mayor Blunders of Oil City supposedly on the Moon. Mayor Blunders has not commented on the inconsistencies of the pictures from the Moon landing site. He does, however, argue that the sample evidence brought back from the Moon landing should be enough to convince people that the mission was a success. The astronauts who brought back several samples of Velveeta cheese in an Aldi grocery bag also insist that the products are proof of their voyage to the Moon. They further state that the cheese is non-refundable and that the public will just have to accept the facts. Currently, top experts at East Crawford’s Titusville University are assessing the photos closely to determine whether or not the astronauts truly did land on the Moon. They will be coming out with a public statement as soon as they can figure out how to turn the photo right side up.

A recent study found that cats really don't love their owners but are simply kissing up to get food. According to research conducted by professors at Venango Campus, being trapped inside a house prevents cats from hunting on their own, forcing them to become unnaturally affectionate to win the respect of their owners. A controlled group was locked in separate rooms to perform varying simulations. The first group consisted of 5 single homeowners with lifelong bonds with their cats. After being injected with chloride, the corpses of the dead owners were immediately recognized to be dead by the cats, who did not hesitate to eat their owners faces. The second group involved 3 men paralyzed from the waist down. The subjects were laid on a bed with their feet hanging over the edge. When the cats were released in the room, they immediately ate the feet of the subjects. Scientists concluded that the dead look of the motionless feet provoked the predatory nature of the cats, explaining why felines tend to gnaw on sleeping limbs. A final test consisted of 3 chinese restuarant owners. The cats did not survive. They were sold to a local soup kitchen for proceeds that will go to benefit nobody. This article is NOT made possible by the Precious Paws Animal Rescue, located 3636 PA-257 in Seneca Pennsylvania, whose phone is (814) 676-8581, and who upon learning of this article, will probably have a heart attack.

It's been a great year for satire. Between local absurdities, creative characters, and ridiculous fiction, we've managed to surpass our own expectations with roughly 450 articles since March 9th. We started off brutal with jokes at the region's expense, transitioned to articles promoting our favorite gems of the county, created fun characters to represent this universe, and got blocked from several groups that can't take a joke. Regardless of public perception, we stuck to what we love doing by creating something we could never imagine. Life gave us lemons, and we made lemon pulp. We held the philosophy that instead of trying to please everyone, we should do what we love and offend everybody instead. Now, we have a following on Facebook that surpasses Venango and Clarion County's population by at least 600 percent. In honor of those who have supported our satire, here are the best articles that made this year memorable. Local Stripper Gets Hip Replacement.... Immediately Breaks Hip This is by far the most ridiculous story we created. When people hear the headline, they immediately chuckle. Article here . Franklin's Only Fire Escape Loses Another Screw We just drove by it and thought this would be hilarious. Obviously, it's not the last fire escape. But in our universe, the fire escape plan involves traveling across town, entering this building, and exiting by way of these stairs. Article here . Massive Pothole Eats East Side of Cranberry Mall What really put a smile on our faces is when someone shared this with the caption "look at the picture 😂." That edit took 3 days because we're terrible with technology. Thank goodness she liked it. Article here . Mayor Survives Spitball Assassin. Poodle Struck Dies of Covid Watching the mayor fall to the ground while Venango County Secret Service agents rush the stage with hand sanitizer... That is comedy gold people! Article here . Mayor Blunder Proves Election Was Rigged After local political influencer Koala Bearis wins the election for Oil City Mayor, Mayor Blunders proves the election was stolen by admitting he put 2 extra ballots in the box. The towns folk change their votes in support of Blunders since he managed to prove the election was rigged. Article here . Man Breaks Back Trying to Lift Clark's Donuts Everyone knows how ridiculously huge these donuts are. We just wish we could find out what the owners think of our article. Article here . Police Searching for Man Who Took Bite Out of the Donut The Olark family had the misfortune of having to change their name to Clark all because some jerk took a bite out of their sign. Article here . Study: Excessive Drinking Impairs Ones Ability to Think It's apparently not ok to test this on kittens. The funny part is that some guy in the comments thought our article was real even though we specifically stated it was fake. People really do need to read. Article here . Don't Miss Light Up Night! You're Only 4 Months Late! This sign meant to remind you not to miss what was already passed. The woman responsible commented that she got a kick out of this. Article here . City Hall Catches Fire: Mayor: Forgets to Wipe I'm not sure why Oil City residents take offense to me making City Hall an outhouse. At least my universe has both. Article here . Population Plummets By 2 Residents How dare we joke that the population is less than a hundred people. Anyone observing the thousands of cars driving around is sure to believe a website with a Blobfish as it's CEO. This article was rejected by several local pages. Article here . 88 Thousand Dollar Spectacle Still Not Attracting Tourists We aren't quite sure why it's ok to make fun of Cleveland and Detroit but not Oil City. I guess being small means we have diplomatic immunity or something. Regardless, programs meant to "beautify" the downtown area leave us questioning how we can spend 88 thousand on lights for an ugly bridge but not manage to get a grant to fix the houses on the north side, let alone bring in factory jobs. Article here . Oil City Fountain Has No Coins: Citizens Too Poor To Wish Oh look! We have 220 thousand dollars to spend. Although that is arguably enough to bring in factory jobs similar to what made Oil City great, let's instead invest it in a fountain that costs money to run and is only uncovered 1/4th of the year. That, combined with the electricity bill from the bridge lights is the perfect excuse for our inability to afford salvation. Article here . Bar Manager Fails To Get The Memo it's 2025 It wasn't our funniest article. But when you write something about heated drama in a college town, people become curious. Some dudes racist comments caused his bars to shutdown overnight. This article brought five thousand visitors to our site overnight. Article here . Venango Republic Offered Law Suits for Misinforming Public After our Loomis article, some dramatic "I'm always right" person threatened to sue us for minor misinformation. We came out with this article to resolve the problem. We were confused though. Explore Clarion rejected an article prior to this about the community demanding chicken wings as reparations. We don't understand their logic. I mean, they approved this one despite it making a joke about our journalist picking wool in a field and receiving 50 lashes. Article here . Top Ten Things to Do in Venango And Surrounding Region Yeah... Disclaimer, we like Franklin a lot more since writing this particular article. The restaurants are great. People do drive far to eat at them. And there are some nice restaurants in Oil City worth visiting including the Exchange, Billy's, and Cork N Screw. We offer this disclaimer because this article really takes a dump on the town and also doesn't give enough credit to the businesses of Franklin. Nonetheless, it is hilarious if you can get past the number 9. In hindsight, we really did have some hard opinions prior to meeting the business owners and experiencing things first hand.... Will you guys call it even with a free Venango Republic T-Shirt?????? Article here . Titusville Man Enters County Witness Protection Program, Recognized at Bingo Night I have worked hard to expand into Crawford. This article was a great concept, but my brand still hasn't landed there. Article here . Dirtbag Cought on Camera Stealing Clarion Woman's Bike After a woman posted to a community page about her bike being stolen, we took matters into our own hand. We also learned the woman's name refers to a blood vacuum. That made it even better. Article here . Titusville Space Program: Rocket Reaches 10 Feet It isn't the article itself that is memorable, but what follows. Making fun of the rockets name led to a space race between Venango County and East Crawford. The Venango County military was formed consisting of 2 adults and a 9 year old with a curfew, each armed with spitball launchers. Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville became a version of Vladimir Putin and a ridiculous rivalry was formed in the Venango Republic universe. Article here . Conclusion It was hard narrowing down 450 articles to just 20 options. I have so many I want to include on this list. OC residents rebuilding the outhouse with their floorboards, Mayor Blunders changing the Allegheny River to the Gulf of Venango and placing tarrifs on Pittsburgh till they surrender the name, building a dam to cut off Pittsburghs water supply before accidentally flooding Rouseville.... The list goes on.... The Venango Republic was brutal in the beginning. I had a pending divorce I was powerless to prevent. 7 years of penned of anxiety over missing my hometown of Lancaster and losing my grandparents along with my mother in that time made me the biggest complainer on planet Earth. By January of 2025, I was coming home everyday with a panic attack and dealing with thoughts of jumping off a bridge every time I drove over one. Eventually, I realized that something had to change. I could either internalize my frustrations, or find an outlet to release them. It's not that I hated Venango County. But moving here was a culture shock and it didn't help being in circles where my humor was constantly shot down. I finally realized that with the world I knew turning it's back on me, I had nothing to lose. I could say whatever I wanted and it wouldn't cost me anymore than what I was losing. Does that mean I agree with some of my earlier articles? No. Although I have strong opinions about how Oil City spends their money, I've met so many people along the way who have shown me that life is whatever you make it. You can complain about what God has taken from you, but all it will do is destroy a soul he intended to be reflective of His love. I spent seven years complaining about my loss of Lancaster. It not only cost me a marriage, valuable time with my children, but also years I could have spent serving my savior, Jesus 9oChrist. A lot of relationships have been damaged because of frustrations I carried for seven years that I always had the power to let go. You can't deny frustrations, but they also don't have to rule you as a person. I learned that on this journey. Turning my frustrations into humor was one way of releasing matters I needed to surrender. I'm also going to add that only Jesus Christ could ultimately save me from my sins. So why keep the Venango Republic? Why the brutal humor, controversy, and mockery of ironies? Anyone who has seen me perform publicly knows that can take a joke. That's all my website is. It's a joke. It's my stage in an area that doesn't offer room for stand up comedy. And if there's something that would benefit our world more than anything else, it's the ability to take a joke and laugh at ridiculous nonsense. That's how we prove we're mature. My website takes risks because I don't care what people think. Life doesn't revolve around me. So I don't have to obsess over being liked. I just do what I enjoy, and if people appreciate it, they are the ones who's friendship holds the most value. If people are unwilling to get to know me beyond my website, their judgment of character is poor. It's not worth concerning myself with those kinds of circles. Do what God has gifted you to do. Life is too short to live for others approval. What matters more is focusing on what God wants for you. People may not understand. Many may try to discourage you. But just because people are uncomfortable with what you do doesn't mean you are taking the wrong steps. Be yourself and don't live obsessing over people who dismiss you for one aspect of your existence. By the way, God loves them too! You're not the center of this universe. Remember that!

George Washington, who works for the Venango Republic as the official stonemason, was forced to vacate Woods and River Coffee earlier this morning due to his obsession with cinnamon-flavored scones. According to reports by the staff members, Washington was slumped over in his chair, partially depressed, and exhibiting characteristics from people who commonly have a sugar high. The incident took place around 7:15 this morning, shortly after the coffee shop opened. Washington had eaten at least 10 scones by that point and began acting extremely hyper. If not for his granite skin, cafe workers would not have been fearful. However, Washington began throwing fists out of happiness for his sugar high, which employees state posed a danger to the people present. After bouncing off the walls and breaking several windows in the process, Washington was asked to leave. Washington immediately walked across the street to the memorial and has since started preaching gibberish hate comments at cars driving by. Fortunately, he doesn't have a speaker like the last weirdo. Washington acting like an idiot Police have been notified of the situation but state there is little they can do at this point. As the former president and current inanimate object, Washington has both diplomatic and lifetime satirical immunity. The former face of Mount Rushmore has rights to do whatever he wants.

We’ve all been caught up in conversations surrounding individuals featured on ExploreClarion’s website. This may involve someone landing themselves in jail, angering the community with a dumb statement, or accidentally causing a fender bender. Yes, this has happened on ExploreClarion’s website.... In a region like Clarion County, where a smaller population causes one’s poor decisions to stick with them forever, being featured on ExploreClarion’s website does a beautiful job of ensuring people are viewed poorly forever. Obviously, when you live in a small community, a dumb decision shapes the court of public opinion. Why not add to the fuel with a “news outlet” known to break the rules of journalism? Whether it comes by unreliable witness accounts, or simply delivering news before information has been fully validated, ExploreClarion has a bad reputation that causes much of the public to think lowly of their news platform. It’s no surprise considering that they are on a Western PA budget. But apparently citing names of locals just isn’t enough fuel for their drama. They apparently need pictures too! ExploreClarion nonchalantly complained that they can’t get mugshots from the Clarion County authorities. Despite Facebook being a viable option to rip someone’s profile picture off their profile, ExploreClarion desperately wants to see people with an orange jumpsuit holding up a sign with numbers on it. That kind of theatric really does sell for a news outlet located in the middle of nowhere. To make matters more interesting, the journalist covering this story quoted the Clarion County Commissioner stating that he follows the advice not to release photos 99% of the time to protect his job. This quote came after a phone book size article arguing that news outlets have every right to get mugshots when they want. For the Clarion County Commissioner who’s worried about feeding his family and paying his electric bill, we are sorry for our inability to empathize with your situation. We are much more concerned with ExploreClarion getting mugshots of people who have probably been seen regularly in your small town. As for the author of this article, ExploreClarion describes him as the journalist who brings “readers stories that are often overlooked.” This is true! He listed this one under crime, called this fender bender news, wrote a two-part marathon on a dam in Warren that nobody cares about, and also claimed an idiotic racist statement caused a “ community reconning .” I don’t think he knows what a reconning is, considering racist people still make up half the county. But that’s not the point. He still is doing a great job covering news we still overlook after he writes it. Oh, and let’s not forget, in early October of 2025, when within a three-week period, he and his colleague, posted two articles about people stealing a pair of shoes from local stores. One with a woman stealing a pair of shoes from a Goodwill, and another of a man they described as a boot bandit, all because he walked out of his store with a pair of shoes. Granted, it’s still stealing, but does this stuff really have to make the news? In Pittsburgh, a guy can get shot in the leg and not even be prayed for in church. Yet for some reason, some woman swapping shoes at a Goodwill warrants the 49 thousand followers on ExploreClarion’s page being warned "this woman is out to steal your sneakers." Protect your steel toes because the boot bandit is hiding under your bed people! For ExploreClarion, the inability to post mugshots is a big defeat. However, for locals who have lives to rebuild after mistakes that don't have to define them forever, this is a huge win..... OK, maybe I am dramatization things like the "community reconning" headline...

The miraculously healthy Dick Van Dyke is set to reprise his role as Robert Petri in the upcoming reboot of The Dick Van Dyke Show. According to sources, Dick Van Dyke will once again be playing a modernized version of his younger self alongside his wife, Mrs. Petri, and his son, Richie. With every other member of the original cast already passed away, producers are now looking for replacements to work alongside Dick Van Dyke as he prepares for his next role. “It is very exhilarating to realize that I will be playing a version of my younger self,” states Dick Van Dyke, who was doing a handstand at the moment of this interview. “I feel as young as I was the day I was born, and just as athletic as the first cartwheel I took at the age of two months.” Producers are uncertain as to whether or not it would be wise to find replacements for Dick Van Dyke’s other cast members, while some have suggested that younger stars would be better suited to fill the roles. Fans of the original show state that the corpses of his former co-stars should be dug up to take part in the filming. “It just doesn’t seem right to break up the entire cast,” states one fan who grew up watching the original series. “My hope is to see Mary Tyler Moore standing next to Dick Van Dyke once again, even if she is just a skeleton.” With Mr. Dyke now in the prime of his career, he’s now seeking his highest paid contract since he started acting back when he exited his mother’s womb. The producers hope that this upcoming series will be picked up by a major network like Netflix or HBO Max. Negotiations are still on the table, but Mr. Dyke is confident the show will be a hit as it was back in the 1950s.

A recent flow of illegal immigrants has North America taking drastic measures to protect their borders. According to reports issued by the department of Keep the South Away, Mexicans are setting their eyes into the neighboring nation of Canada. "We just need to face the facts that there just isn't enough room for all these Mexicans" states one man we conveniently made up to justify this quote. Matters are growing exponentially with the rise of Mexican heritage crowding up North American space. Deli owners all across the United States report an inability to stock their shelves with American subs after being overrun with tortilla's and queso. Ice has been deployed but so far, it has just melted in the queso. Canadians, who are generally hospitable towards outsiders due to this stereotype (we apologise for making generalizations about your culture Canada), are now losing valuable space because of invasive Mexicans, who we all know, tend to enter countries uninvited. (It must be true since that's what people say). Many have suggested rounding up those who have crossed into the United States illegally to send them back into the nation of Mexico. According to sources, the Mexican government would gladly take back whoever we send, except that Mexicans keep crossing their southern border to get into Mexico before making their way to the United states. The Mexican government has tried building a wall of their own to secure their southern border. Unfortunately, Mexicans are still coming in with no logical explanation. Sources cannot seem to explain where these Mexicans are coming from with even the two most southern nations of Argentina and Chile reporting an unexplained overflow of Mexicans moving northward through their countries. If the traffic continues at this rate, experts fear that regions as far as Greenland will be packed to the max with Mexicans. With nowhere else to go, experts believe they will begin moving south to the opposite side of the globe where they may invade other continents before resurfacing again in South America.

The $88,000 spectacle, purposed to draw tourists to a city whose houses are falling into the river, has successfully drawn the first spectator since they were implemented in 2017. Unfortunately, the man has reportedly left dumber than when he first arrived. Unreliable sources state that a Pittsburgh native took an IQ test prior to arriving, in which he scored the highest possible rating. However, after leaving Oil City, he took the exact same IQ test and was discovered to have dropped his rating by 100 points. Board members from the University of Pittsburgh are furious after learning that one of their school’s top professors can now only comprehend an eighth-grade textbook. University members are trying to figure out which city is responsible for dumbing down their professor’s intellect. Unfortunately, the professor became so dumb after looking at the bridge lights, he can’t remember which town he visited. The Center Street Bridge lights have been a subject of controversy throughout the years of their existence, primarily due to the funds used to install them. Rather than using the state grant to help beautify the houses on the north side, the Main Street Program in downtown Oil City decided it was best to install lights on the bridge that give people a Christmassy feeling year-round. The plan was quite genius. By making the lights incredibly bright, officials could blind visitors just long enough to prevent them from seeing the ugly buildings falling apart throughout the rest of the town. Unfortunately, making the lights extra bright came at the cost of every visitor becoming half as bright when they realized they drove all this way to see what can only be described as a Dollar General spectacle. With town folk increasing their stupidity every time they look at the lights and passers-by's facing the same dilemma, the city must now decide whether to keep the spectacle or remove the lights altogether. Unfortunately, Clarion University researchers speculate that locals are now too dumb to accomplish the task with just one individual. Now the question remains: how many Venango County residents does it take to remove a light bulb?

In need of self-defense training? Stop no further than any dojo that tells you, “we teach a rare martial art form.” Why is it rare? Probably because nobody uses it. But let’s just ignore that detail and pay them to teach us anyway. In a generation where effective martial arts can be determined by what is used commonly in the UFC, you can still have the luxury of learning random crap from an instructor who has never been knocked out in his life. Why entrust yourself to some guy who has locked himself in a cage to risk bodily injury, when a man who has not tested his techniques in a real fighting situation promises to equip you fully with methods that he describes as rare? Just listen to these common testimonials (excuses) from people who have learned from such a school, but are too ashamed to admit they wasted their money on nothing. “I’ve been taking this martial art for 10 plus years and was confused when I was unable to successfully fend off inexperienced fighters,” states Ashamedto Facereality. “That’s when we realize that martial arts only work against people who use the same fighting style.” Oh, of course. Inexperience is the key to becoming a great fighter. That doesn’t really explain why you keep going back to the dojo. But yeah… let’s just ignore all the YouTube videos of MMA fighters who beat the crap out of inexperienced jerks on the street. We can just pretend no martial arts work so we don’t have to admit we’re wasting money on one that is useless. “We test our fighting tactics all the time, in competitions,” states a guy who spars lightly but doesn’t try to knock people out. “I have 13 medals for lightly kicking my opponent in the chest.” He didn’t actually reach the chest. Most people in this school can’t kick above the knees. Also, why is it when you look at videos of such schools, the students never seem to have any real muscle put on from throwing horribly coordinated punches? It’s also funny how every single level of belts, regardless of color, still shows the same level of skill when it comes to kicking and punching, almost as if what is learned never progresses beyond the beginner stage. Call your local dojo today without determining if this martial art is ever used in any knockout related competitions. I mean technically these people admitted that inexperienced fighters are better than them. So your best bet might be to remain inexperienced. But don’t worry, these people who make excuses for a martial art scamming them out of their money have got your back when it comes to self-defense.

A former General McLane employee is facing potential charges and a potential jail sentence because she was unable to form her own sentence. According to sources, a woman who we will refer to as Iteach Butdontspeak decided it was okay to take money from the teachers’ Sunshine Fund without verbalizing what we can only assume to be a personal need. This may be due the massive strain caused by phrases like "can I have some money?" The school will not be shut down as a result of this incident. This is primarily because schools are funded by the state and not the money that teachers use to support each other... Duh! Nevertheless, teachers are now forced to take drastic measures to ensure that trust will be built once again for the remainder of the school year. After an $18,000 loss resulting from nobody monitoring the account, all requests for funds must now come with a 15-page essay to be recited before the school board, followed by a moment of awkward silence. As an extra measure of security, the school will also designate one skeptical teacher who struggles to trust everyone. This teacher will watch over the account to ensure the funds are monitored closely. While having this type of individual involved was probably what resulted in the thefts initially, the school will still take this measure because it’s absurd enough for the satire we’re trying to create. As for the ex employee who committed the theft, charges are filed which happened faster than General McLane can observe a cash withdrawal. Local officials have recommended that the school remind staff that if they are struggling financially, there are acceptable options such as speaking up. Additionally, the school has been encouraged to rename their account to something more appropriate, such as "Ask for Help, A Radical New Concept" or "This Is Not Your Money."

Aldi shoppers are disgusted after learning that their purchase of oranges was sabotaged by a substitution for grapefruit. According to sources, at least 25 people, in the course of an hour, left the grocery store with a purchase of fruit they expected to be tasteful. Within minutes, 911 dispatchers received calls for car accidents resulting from the same customers who had taken a bite out of the fruit. The 25 car accidents have been traced back to the disgusting flavor of the grapefruit. Officials say the taste was so bad, the drivers gagged before driving their vehicles off the road. Ironically, living on a Venango County income means they were also driving lemons. Officials have no leads on who swapped the oranges for grapefruit. Anyone with information is encouraged to contact the local executioner. If found, the perpetrator could face five years in prison with three meals consisting of grapefruit, asparagus, and brussels sprouts, prior to being executed before a bowl of grapefruit.

The jolly fat man will not be delivering presents for the rest of the night. According to sources, the world-renowned Santa Claus made a stop at the border between Venango and Clarion County and miraculously accidentally got his sleigh stuck in a pothole. How deep is this pothole, you ask? According to officials from PennDOT, even the reindeer got stuck in the depths, with Santa Claus plugging up the hole. To make matters worse, the pothole is so narrow, the reindeer can’t find enough room for a head start to take off. Rescue crews are putting forth their best effort to try to remove Santa from the hole in hopes that the deer and sleigh are not crushed. Meanwhile, national news networks are asking where Santa is because no one else in the world knows that Venango and Clarion exist. Once Santa is confirmed missing, they won’t know who to blame because both counties aren’t important enough to make it on a geographical map. In the unlikely event that someone outside of Western PA receives this message, we are sorry that Christmas is ruined. We tried to warn Santa to stay away from this side of the state, since all it seems to bring is bad luck. Unfortunately, the bad luck has fallen on him as well, leaving the rest of the world without Christmas gifts this year.