Scientists may have just discovered a way to deal with the stubbornness of senior citizens. In a controlled testing facility at the edge of Oil City, researchers at Venango County Campus were able to observe the effectiveness of electrical shocks on defiant elderly beings. A controlled group of 20 people, age 75 plus, were locked in a room against their will. The group immediately exhibited concerning attitudes of rebellion which scientists noted as potentially dangerous. "This first portion of our study shows the agressive nature of old people" says Genghis Kahn, researcher of behavioral health "imagine living with one of these people... The dangers are unpredictable!" To see if the aggressors could be tamed, the researchers implemented electric shocks of varying proportions. It was determined that the tasing of the elderly did prove to immobilize them effectively showing that caregivers could benefit from being armed. An additional study tested the impact of such methods on adolescents. A group of defiant teenagers were also locked in a room and told they would be there for life. The group did not seem to mind at first until their cell phones were suddenly locked. Once technology was taken away, the same defiant behavior as seen in the elderly was exhibited. Scientists discharged varying magnitudes of electricity in the room. Because the children demonstrated more endurance than the elderly subjects, higher levels of shock were tested out. The scientists saw immediate results concluding that tasers are a viable resource for bringing elderly and adolescent folks into subjection.

A local man recently used the shock emoji on his own post causing many to wonder if he was really that shocked to read his own post. Iwasn't Reallyshocked is a 56 year old man from Oil City Pensylvania. He recently posted a not so impressive fact, but still used the shock emoji to try to make the post seem super incredible. According to Iwasn't Reallyshocked "I was super surprised by what my post said after I posted it! I was just scrolling through Facebook when I came across a post I made 20 seconds before. The message caught me so off guard, I just had to use the shock emoji to demonstrate how I was feeling after readingthe unexpected status." Many are questioning how legitimate Iwasn't Reallyshocked is being about his emoji. Some have suggested that he only used the emoji to make it seem like the post was super interesting with the hope no one would notice it was him. "I can see why people would think that way" says Iwasn't Reallyshocked "but I'm sincere when I say that my post was completely unexpected. I genuinely didn't know those facts until after I read my post." This is not the only time Iwasn't Reallyshocked reacted to his own content. Last week he posted a really dumb joke nobody liked and used the laugh emoji himself. "I genuinely did not see that joke coming. I had never heard it before reading my status" claims Iwasn't Reallyshocked. It's unclear how Iwasn't Reallyshocked expects us to believe he was caught off guard by his own posts on Facebook. So far, we can determine he is the only one.

Explore Venango nearly broke the bank yesterday by hiring a photographer to get the best aerial view they could afford. An article on their Facebook page about some guy named Judge Weighs, depicted the city of Oil City in the form of toy buildings. Explore Venango's aerial view of toy Oil City "This is a major upgrade from our last aerial shot" says the owner of Explore Venango who may not have actually said this "our last picture was just a lousy Crayola drawing by some kid from 7th Street Elementary." Explore Venango has struggled to keep up with the demands of modern technology. With the cheapest drone cameras going for a whopping 49 dollars, Explore Venango is fortunate someone had access to a child's doll set. Drones Explore Venango couldn't afford "We're just glad that same 7 year old girl had a replica of the town" says the CEO of Explore Venango who may not have actually said this "we hope to be able to have the funds to pay her one day!" Ok... There's a chance those buildings may be real... But admit it... You thought the same thing when we pointed it out...

Mayor Blunders of Oil City has officially ordered an assault on Titusville. The orders came after a missile was launched this week by East Crawford County troops toward the Northside Seneca Street bridge. The missile contained 50 spitballs which covered the bridge in saliva on impact rendering the passageway unsafe. Blunders, who received approval from the Venango County House of Representatives to purchase warheads, has ordered troops to fill the warheads with spitballs and launch them at the city of Titusville. Troops stationed at the border of Venango County were increased from one to two personnel after Eastern Crawford County troops slipped past the guardsmen by simply driving by. The border, which is literally 50 yards from the city of Titusville, would be the launching point of the missile aimed for Titusville. Troops gathered at the border today with anticipation to get back at Crawford for their assault on the Venango County Capital of Oil City. It was expected the missile would exceed the height of Titusville's missile which reached an altitude of 15 feet. When the missile was launched by Venango County Troops, they forgot to point it at the city. Witnesses say that the missel fired to an altitude of roughly 7 feet before re-entering the atmosphere and falling back to where it came from. The troops who launched the missel were covered in saliva when the missel impacted the ground. Witnesses say that when the spitballs sprang out of the warhead, the soldiers instantly died of covid. The sudden death of covid puzzles experts considering the spitballs belonged to the soldiers who launched the missile. Funeral proceedings will be held later today for the heroes who attempted the suicide mission. New troops will be stationed at the border tomorrow after the city janitor has a chance to clean up the mess. It is advised that anyone driving to Titusville from Oil City for work take the road by way of Pleasantville until the janitor can decontaminate the street.

A Franklin entrepreneur is getting his hands into the rental industry by advertising office space. The building, which has likely stood vacant on the upper levels for decades, is using a new business strategy by advertising on the back of the building where nobody walks. "We believe we have the upper hand with this strategy" says the building owner who may not have actually said this "placing this sign in front where all the cars drive by is an obvious approach everyone else is taking. We chose the element of surprise and put the sign out of the public's sight." The building entrepreneur is confident this strategy will be so effective, it might keep the building vacant for another 2 decades. "The reason I bought the building was to do a half hearted job in advertising my space. I really dont want people to rent. Losing money on a building I wasted funds on is my primary objective in life." This poor financial decision is expected to make this entrepreneur billions in zero dollars.... That equals zero for those of you from Oil City... With the sign placed high above the back of the building facing the rundown slums of the city, it is estimated that nobody with the means to rent will see it indefinitely. This is the most unique approach to business anyone has ever taken... We do not recommend this approach.

A recent study tested how well chickens of varying sizes could endure the currents of the Allegheny River. Researchers from Venango County Campus used a control group of 23 chickens to see how well they would handle living like a duck. The first set of chickens were a group which was stuffed to maximum capacity. The chickens were gently lowered into the water... better yet... the chickens were aggressively catapulted into the water. Upon hitting the surface, the fat chickens exhibited a bobbing motion. These subjects proved efficient with an exponential level of buoyancy, but unfortunately due to their odd shape, flipped upside-down. With their heads beneath the surface and their feet sticking upward, scientists could safely conclude these chickens could not swim. The second group was skinnier than the first. When launched into the air, the chickens tried to flap their wings, but upon hitting the water, it became evident to the professors that they could not fly. These chickens were sucked beneath the surface and were never seen again. The third group were a set of boneless chickens the professors mercilessly plucked alive. The chickens were so lightweight, they had to be dropped into the water from an overhead drone because the catapult proved insufficient. Upon hitting the water, the chickens remained afloat, but drifted away quickly and were never seen again. Hmmmm.... Chickens....... The very animal we behead, pluck, fry, and serve for Sunday tailgate parties.... this doesn't seem offensive enough to ruffle our readers feathers.... Because Clarion University requested not to be informed of any future experiments, scientists determined it was safe to test this experiment with female cats. 5 cats were lowered into the water gently. Unfortunately, they were sucked beneath the boat and chopped to bits by the engine blades... To avoid potential backlash from the readers, the scientists chose a safer method by lawnching five other cats from a cannon they designed. Once launched, the kitties burst into flames before hitting the water... To avoid potential backlash from the readers, scientists made adjustments to their cannon. The final kitties were launched, but scientists forgot they fired them upside-down. The researchers observed an amazing demonstration of the cats ability to sense their peril and flip so that they would land with their feet touching the water first. These kitties were a prime example of the incredible instinct felines possess.... oh yeah... they died too.... Between the two kinds of animals used for this experiment; the chickens, cats, and one hundred and one dalmatian puppies.... OOOOOOOO! Did we forget to mention them?????? None of the subjects proved effective in demonstration survivability in the currents of the Allegheny River. What chickens were recovered were donated to the Chick-fil-A in Erie. These mother pluckers were given as a thank you for the restaurants contribution to the American way. And for the sake of poor stereotypes, the cats recovered were donated to the local Chinese restaurants as a thank for their contributions to society. The one hundred and one dalmatian puppies were all recovered and donated to the local villain Cruella de Vil, who after decades, has finally recieved a spotted fur coat.

There are none...

It has been reported that the only fire escape in Franklin has just lost another screw. This will be the 9th screw that has fallen this month leaving the escape with only 3 and a half left. City authorities say they are not worried about the screw falling since no one with a brain ever uses a fire escape anyways. I mean really.... When a building is on fire, why would you jump out a window onto a metal platform that will roast you like a strip of bacon? The city of Franklin lost its other fire escape last year when it fell on a chihuahua. City authorities updated the city fire escape plan so that if any buildings on the Northside of town catch fire, citizens of those buildings are to leave for the Southside of town and use that fire escape instead.... We don't exactly know why you would go to this trouble if you already escaped the burning buildings, but.... yeah.... The City of Franklin says they have no intentions of repairing the fire escape because it really is a useless invention. No, the city did not actually say this. We only claimed they did so we would have a way to finish the article.

Venango County is at war for the first time in its existence. The Venango County House of Representatives is working to pass a bill to open Mayor Blunders VASA project. This came after a nuclear warhead containing 50 spitballs was launched directly at the town. Sources say that the nuke was launched somewhere around the Northside Seneca St Bridge. The warhead managed to travel a whopping 15 feet before landing midway across the bridge releasing spitballs everywhere. The Mayor has considered the bridge compromised and has placed it off limits to avoid residents catching covid. Northside Seneca Street Bridge prior to the nuke The Mayor emerged from his bunker (poop hole in the city outhouse) and immediately held a press briefing where he declared this an act of terror. "We will find those responsible for placing the lives of our citizens at stake" stated Mayor Blunders from the steps of City Hall, which happens to be the City Outhouse. City Hall which acts as the City Outhouse Mayor DumbDumb of Titusville, capital of Eastern Crawford, took credit for the attack declaring his city the new superpower of all rundown towns in Northwestern PA. It is reported that the military personnel sent by Venango County to monitor the boarder on Route 8 failed to stop the attackers who simply drove by them. Soldier guarding county border outside city of Titusville Blunders has reached out to neighboring cities to gain support in the war effort since Oil City has too much debt to go to war. So far, the City of Franklin says they will give Oil City the money to buy rockets from Walmart. They say they expect no payback because they like to see Oil City fail. Butler County has also agreed to send funds to Oil Cities aid. The Mayor of Butler says that his city is so boring, they could use the entertainment. Titusville is also receiving monetary support from Meadville, Capital of West Crawford County. Meadville states that they think the war is ridiculous, but also believe it is necessary to keep the town occupied so the methheads don't come to their town. Meadville states that they don't want the metheads because they already have too many to manage. The Venango County House of Representatives will be meeting later today to pass a bill that will grant Oil City funds offered by Butler and Franklin. It is expected that more satirical events surrounding this war will emerge by tomorrow morning. Venango County House of Representatives

A recent study tested the effectiveness of propane as an alternative to rogain. 15 subjects in controlled experiments were given different substances to see how well hair production could be influenced. In the three groups of 5 people, researchers at Venango County Campus found varying results. The subjects given nothing found no results and remained bald. These subjects were sent home with an apology for wasting their time. The subjects given rogain found an instant productivity in the length of their hair. One gentleman whose scalp reflected the sun beams emanating from his head at a high luminosity, grew strands of hair and was immediately hired as a model. Courtesy of man who skipped town after using rogain The 5 subjects who were given propane saw no difference in the length of their hair. Those injected with propane fell asleep and never woke up. As for the ones who had the propane sprayed directly to their heads, they went home and lost more hair when the propane caught fire. The final results show that rogain is still the most effective for treating hair loss. Scientists are still trying to find cheaper solutions like propane but are still unsure how to make such treatment affordable to people living in Oil City.

Venango Campus has conducted various studies which suggest that the world might actually be round. In a recent press release, professors of Venango Campus stated that they have conducted experiments focused on testing the nature of the planet and have concluded that a sphere is a plausible model for the Earths makeup. "Our first experiment involved looking into space" stated Luke Jaywalker, headmaster of the new Jedi order "we observed and saw that the moon appears to be round. That is just one indication that it is possible for objects sitting in space to be spherical." In addition, researchers studied the different forms of maps available around the world. The majority of maps were flat and square which does present the possibility of a flat surface. However, upon further examination, there were tons of maps in various locations that were ball shaped offering hope to the idea that the world might actually be round. "The evidence is inconclusive at this point" stated Jaywalker, who has been turned down multiple times for a promotion to Clarion University. " We want nothing more than for this to be a reality. However, we still are not certain how people upside-down on this ball model would keep from falling off." The Venango Republic was going to drop this story to save Clarion University the continued embarrassment our coverage of Venango Campus is bringing to them. Unfortunately, because it's our job to embarrass everyone, we could not make any exception.

In a recent study, Venango County Campus experimented with uranium to determine if it's properties are in fact effective in cleaning germs off of fur and skin. Due to the backlash of using kittens in their trial of seeing how alcohol impacts the human body, Venango Campus determined it was best to avoid controversy all together and instead use adult female cats. The results consisted of varying outcomes. While test subjects showed a complete removal of germs from their bodies, the cats also showed forms of distress during the experiment as if someone were taking a blow torch to their bodies. Researchers could not understand the immense pain the cats seemed to be exhibiting but decided to continue the experiment till the fur was burned completely so they could observe the skin underneath. After being scratched several times the scientists were able to put the cats to permanent sleep by continuous exposure to the Uranium. This was convenient as it allowed the scientists to more thoroughly observe how well the uranium soap cleaned the animals. At this point, it seemed like the only issues standing in the way were the skin rashes and the unforseen deaths from too much exposure. Scientists at the campus were able to determine that aside from these side effects, the soap was effective in terminating germs. The dead cats were sent to Clarion University for further examination. Clarion University once again called the campus in Venango and screamed at them. Clarion determined that the adult cats had developed cancer from exposure to the Uranium. Venango Campus has now been warned not to use any cats "PERIOD" in their experiments. This fake story is NOT brought to you by the Venango County Humane Society located on 286 South Main street in Seneca and whose phone number is 814-677-4040, and who upon learning of this article will probably have a heart attack.