Oil City residents are furious at the recent school closures for weather concerns. "We don't want our kids home! Sending them to school is the only way we get our sanity" states Amelia Earbrain, pilot from the Franklin City Airport. Parents are so upset, that they are threatening not to send their kids to school if the school does not agree to open up again. Some are even threatening to homeschool their children until the school agrees to open up. The principal of the school district says that the closing is only temporary until the weather becomes warmer. With the temperature being as low as 55 degrees, the school board determined it was best not to risk the children getting sick. Temperatures are expected to rise again next week. By then, the schools have agreed to open their doors once again and let kids in. Residents are still upset and say they will continue to boycott until then.

ICUP in Seneca says that they have no choice but to hire doctors. After several cases of not knowing how to deal with patients in the ICU, the hospital has determined that they must reach out to surrounding counties to find medical experts. "We have gone many years without medical experts on staff" says Mr. Wong, some random guy we handed a paper to read this quote from "Venango County has no smart people living in it. Now, we have no choice but to ask smart people to come to us." The ICUP Hospital had several instances of patients going untreated this week due to a lack of knowledge. One child went without their flintstone vitamins because the medical personnel could not figure out how to get the cotton out of the bottle. In another case, a man came in with fever temperatures soaring at 115. When the staff saw the high temperature, they resorted to various methods of lowering the temperature. Medical personal first tried using an ice bath thinking hypothermia would reverse the effects. When the temperatures got worse, they then tried to fight fire with fire. When the man's skeletal remains came out of the incinerator, the staff determined his fever was gone. Unfortunately, he had died of covid during the process. "We just can't seem to figure out how to help people anymore" says another person we handed a quote to "the issue is that nobody in our region has passed the 2nd grade and we are still trying to achieve higher levels of academic success." It is unclear if Venango County will ever see any doctors again. The region has suffered due to the lack of resources over the years. What can be determined is that until medical experts arrive, locals will have to depend on their survival instincts to continue on as a people...... Yeah..... We're all dead.....

It has been several days since Crawford County troops launched a missile at the North Side Seneca St Bridge in Oil City. Ever since, the Northside of Venango County has been preparing to defend itself from potential invasion. Late last week, an assault on Pleasantville tipped Mayor Blunders off to what direction Crawford County troops were taking. A map below shows all routes to Oil City from Titusville. County lines red, roads blue, morons white, cows purple, diapers brown. The recent developments show that Crawford troops would be going by way of Forest County to march onto the major cities of Oil City, Seneca, and Cranberry. Mayor Blunders says that he has ordered his troops to protect the road to Oil City since it is the most likely target. It has been confirmed this morning that Crawford County troops have bypassed Oil City to perform a direct assault on Seneca. Crawford Troops are just minutes away from the town which Blunders has left completely defenseless. Cities taken red X, county lines red, roads blue, enemy route yellow, swimming briefs gross. Mayor Blunders says that the decision to place all troops in Oil City was a major blunder as it has left Seneca and Cranberry defenseless. Venango troops are now rushing up Seneca Hill as we speak to hopefully cut Crawford County troops off from taking Seneca, which would divide the county in half. If all 9 troops can successfully defend against the 4 invaders, there is a chance Blunders will retaliate.

"This is a Venango Republic Breaking News Report... I'm your anchor, Dead Weight... The Venango County House of Representatives has passed a bill granting Mayor Blunders power to build a nuclear arsenal. This came after soldiers of Eastern Crawford County launched a nuclear missile containing 50 spitballs at the Northside Seneca St Bridge potentially contaminating the said bridge with covid. Blunders states that he will not allow Titusville, capital of Eastern Crawford County, to get away with this mass destruction. Blunders plans to build a nuclear spitball system and increase the Venango County military to 9 men if necessary. In a press briefing today, Mayor Blunders grieved the loss of the Northside Bridge after the unexpected attack. "We are saddened by the loss of all the men who gave their lives defending that bridge. Our hearts go out to their families." The Venango Republic has no idea what the Mayor is talking about. Nobody died and it literally was just 50 spitballs that could be cleaned up with a mop. Residents are fearful of the vulnerability of their towns. If Titusville were to attack Venango County again, they have 3 potential routes to go by. The image below depicts the geography with blue representing roads Titusville would have to take to attack Venangos biggest cities of Oil City, Cranberry, and Seneca. We chose the color blue because it is a nice color... Passage into Venango County from the eastern border would put Titusville in direct conflict with the industrial city of Pleasantville. Pleasantville, which is not so pleasant by any means, has a population of 5 weird people and a military of one 70 year old man who doesn'tdo anythingwith his life. If Eastern Crawford were to lay siege to Pleasantville, which would homestly be a favor to Venango County, Forest County could potentially grant them access through their land which would give the army marching from Titusville a route to attack all three major cities. Mayor Blunders states that if Mayor DumbDumb of Titusville wants a war, we will be ready. Blunders has began building a nuclear arsenal with rockets he purchased from Walmart this morning. Military personnel are working to fill the rockets with spitballs using their own saliva. They will continue doing this pointless task as they wait for further instructions. As for the city of Cranberry, defenses are being laid for the potential attack on their metropolis. Cranberries capital building, the Cranberry Mall, is fortified with massive potholes designed with depths impossible to escape. The multitudes of potholes also present another challenge as they are impossible to maneuver around increasing the likelihood of the enemy falling in. Seneca says they have no fortifications and are depending entirely on the neighboring city of Cranberry in case an assault were to occur. Cranberry says they will lend aid to Seneca to prevent the county of Venango from being split in half. Personnel are being sent to Seneca with spitball machine guns. A useless weapon that fits their budget perfectly. Preparation for the inevitable battle of Northwestern PA's two major superpowers is something Mayor Blunders considers Venango Counties number one priority. Blunders intends to invest all remaining county funds into the war effort while the surrounding counties laugh their heads off at him. The capital of Southern Forest County, Tionesta says that they will lend aid to Titusville only if Venango invades their land. Mayor Blunders states he will respect Southern Forest Counties wishes and avoid potential mistakes that could very well cause an interstational backlash (word we literally just made up to describe a states version of international backlash). This is your breaking report from The Venango Republic. I am your news anchor, Dead Weight."

The thirthieth annual Oil City Speed Dating event took place this past Saturday with a massive turnout of people. A total of one resident came out to the event which absolutely surprised the coordinators. "We didn't expect anyone to show up" says Jessica Janfebmaraprmay "we have been doing this for thirty years and this is the first time anyone has shown." The unexpected turnout has the coordinators hopeful that there may be a future for their program after all. "I was just trying to get out and meet people" states Socially Awkward, Oil Cities only single resident "I was pleased with the experience. I was nervous I would feel out of place. But everyone here was just like the people in my personal life; absent." Mr. Awkward plans to return next year. As long as nobody shows, he will continue to make this a part of his yearly routine.

A local man has become one of the richest in the city by accidentally stumbling upon a ten dollar bill. William Pooh, formally known as Winnie, was raking leaves in his yard when he stumbled upon an extremely rare find. "I was just there raking leaves and there it was plain as day" says Pooh "I had heard legends of such a high denomination. But to think that I would one day come across one was such a surprise!" Pooh isn't sure how he will use the ten dollar bill yet. He is considering using it to fix up his house, but also considered stock. Unfortunately, the Venango County stock market has struggled for the last 30 years with absolutely no investors. Pooh would be the first. "All I know is, I'm set for life" states Pooh "as long as I don't spend it all on one place, I will be good."

Mayor Blunders is recognizing the severity of Oil Cities economic standing. With so much of the City treasury depleted, there seems to be little hope in reviving the interest this town once possessed. Nonetheless, people are desperate. So much, that Mayor Blunders has requested the capital send him 500 thousand dollars for an advertising campaign which will help the rest of America see our needs. "We really need America to help contribute" says Mayor Blunders "not only is this a crucial time, but there is a lot of history that needs preserved." Mayor Blunders doesn't know exactly what that history is. He just hears people say it so much he assumes it's true. The advertising campaign will consist of several commercials with some random old guy asking for 10 cents then comparing the asking price to a cup of coffee. According to Blunders, Oil Cities greatness depends entirely on showing the world how poor we are. "We need the world to see that we are great because we used to be even though we aren't anymore" says Mayor Blunders "that is why I feel we must advertise our poverty. Nothing screams greatness like letting people see our rundown town. The difference is that we'll emphasize our history so people look past the disgusting stuff." It is estimated that roughly nobody, give or take nobody, will care about how great Oil City used to be. This presents a problem with the concept of spending 500 thousand on this campaign. Nonetheless, Mayor Blunders is convinced that this is necessary. "It will take almost half a million to bring in the businesses we need to revive this town" says Mayor Blunders "putting 500 thousand down on this campaign is essential to raise the money."

Refuges are fleeing Pleasantville after reports stated troops were marching their direction. As of this evening, the Crawford troops coming from Titusville have laid siege to the town taking the only 71-year-old soldier in town prisoner. Witnesses say that the guard was sleeping during the unexpected attack. Warnings of the invasion came hours before, but the man is so old, they couldn't get him out of bed. Soldiers reportedly marched onto the city with no opposition placing the most northern territories of Venango County into enemy hands. Experts believe that Crawford County troops will soon advance through the territory of Forrest County. If Southern Forrest Counties Capital of Tionesta permits them entry into their territory, their soldiers will have a direct route to all major cities including Oil City, Seneca, and Cranberry. Mayor Blunders of Oil City is calling for all residents to prepare for the mass invasion. It is estimated that roughly 4 troops are marching into Venango territory with heavy spitball machinery. Blunders has worked hard to build Oil Cities arsenal the last few days, but it is feared that he had not successfully reached the amount of saliva needed to protect the city. If Crawfords troops coming from Titusville manage to surpass Forest County, they would first have to lay siege to the city of Venus. The Mayor of Venus says that he is preparing all defenses with his only troop available. Venus sits on the border of Venango with route 157 running right through it. Route through Venus on left. Venus largest sky scraper on right. If East Crawford manages to take the City of Venus, it will place the enemy one step closer to their objective of taking the capital of Northern Venango County. It is uncertain if Oil City will be their first assault. Experts believe the troops may be directed to the smaller city of Seneca which would split the northern section of the county in two. Mayor Blunders held a press briefing today where he laid out his strategy before the public "we will focus 100 percent of our defenses on Oil City. We believe that is where they will attack, and we will be sure to enforce our defenses completely there..." Mayor Blunders just gave Crawford County his plans..... Brilliant! The most ideal approach to avoid city spitshed, a word we literally made up to describe bloodshed for spitballs, is to meet the attackers head on. Unfortunately, the routes are split in the city of Tionesta. Crawford Soldiers can either move through the town of Tionesta and perform a direct assault on Venus. If this happens, Mayor Blunders will have enough warning to meet the enemy on Route 157. If however, the enemy bypasses Tionesta completely, they can perform a direct assault on any of the three major cities in Northern Venango without warning. The Mayor of Cranberry, who also owns the Mall, is helping the city of Seneca to develop potholes like in the Malls parking lot. Seneca hates the Mayor's love for potholes, but is willing to try anyway because they know the Malls potholes are dangerous to fall into. The attack is inevitable. It is only a matter of time before we see where the enemy will make their next move. Mayor Blunders has praised Titusville for taking Pleasantville since nobody else actually wants it, but he makes it clear that the rest of the county is off limits.

An unidentified man has posted drone footage overlooking the tallest buildings in Oil City. The footage was posted to a popular Facebook page that focusses on local interests, which consequently, are not that interesting. In the video, observers can see the roofs of the old theater and other "high rises" in the business section of First Street. The footage was so captivating, it managed to secure five shock emoji's in five days.... Nobody else reacted... We here at the Venango Republic were curious as to why those who reacted were so captivated by a few crumbling two story buildings. Have these people not heard of Manhattan? The reaction was so puzzling, researchers at Clarion University requested their brains be donated to scientific research after death.... We aren't talking donations of genius brains either... More like "what's wrong with these brain" donations... The subjects have not responded to the inquiry by Clarion University, leaving the unusual behavior of a shock emoji up to speculation. Some experts have suggested that due to the extreme isolated lifestyle of Venango County, it could be that the reactors are suffering the delusion of being more impressive than they are. This would make sense considering that much of the Oil City enthusiasts exhibit pompous attitudes toward their decrepit town. The odd behavior has scientist at Clarion University working on a formula to help ease those suffering into the reality that their town is not that great. Some have suggested showing them a picture of the New York skyline, but scientist fear this may cause the subjects to go into cardiac arrest. The professors instead suggest small doses such as a picture of Franklin. Eventually, they may be able to handle something as big as Erie, but scientist at Clarion University believe this shock value might be a bit much at the moment. With the population of Oil City now resting at 20 residents, the researchers at Clarion believe they have their work cut out for them. Rehabs have been established in the region with medical personal to work with the demented. One thing is for sure, government funding is essential for those in town to get this treatment. We know because none of them would work for it if the opportunity presented itself.

Johnathan Motherless, formally known as "Johnathan Ihaveamom" had an epiphany the other day just as his new parents, Mr. And Mrs. Motherless, signed their final documents to adopt Jonathan into their family. "There was something magical about the moment that pen came off the paper" says Johnathan "I wasn't officially their child until that document was signed. When that pen came off the paper, I suddenly figured out what yo mama jokes mean!" Johnathan has gone his entire life not understanding what yo mama jokes are talking about. He says his friends with parents used to tell them all the time and they would just go over his head. At his orphanage, a man also came in and told one leaving he and his fellow orphans confused. "Now he's sees the light" says Mr. Motherless "I know how he feels. I used to be homeless but now I understand knock knock jokes." Johnathan and his new family are happy about his sudden realization so much that now, they got him a yo mama jokes book to commemorate this occasion.

An Oil City man mustered up the funds yesterday to patch one of the leaks in his roof. Dennis Menace, a local known for his role at the local paper, says he managed to afford enough duct tape to patch his leaking roof. The event took place at 5:30 yesterday after Menace came home from his job at the funniest. "I am so happy I got this portion patched" stated Menace " now when it rains, i will have one place to go beneath to stay dry." Menace plans to slowly buy duct tape over time so he can patch a whole square foot.

It was reported that on arrival, Mayor Blunders went into shock upon seeing the height of the Pittsburgh skyscrapers. "Heavens to Betsy!" Shouted the Mayor "I did dung forgot to bring my change of underwear!" Blunders entered the city of Pittsburgh blown away by the massive infrastructure. Until this point, he thought Oil City had the biggest high rises. Now he thinks Pittsburgh is the pinnacle of what humans have achieved. The Venango County Secret Service escorted Mayor Blunders to the office of Pittsburghs Mayor where upon arrival, the secretary asked "who are you supposed to be?" Mayor Blunders insisted he had sent a wire days ahead of time using Oil Cities public telegraph machine. The secretary, confused because she didn't know what a telegraph machine was, pulled out her cell phone to Google the term. "Hey Google" said the secretary "what is a telegraph machine?" Google responds "a telegraph machine, or electric telegraph, is a device that transmits information by coded signals over a distance, primarily using electrical signals transmitted via wires, and is often associated with the use of Morse code." Mayor Blunders, along with the secret service men, stood in shock. "Did that square saucer just talk?" "Hey Google" said the secretary "what is Morse code?" Google responds "Morse code is a communication method that uses short and long signals, known as dots and dashes, to transmit letters as text. Samuel Morse invented the code in 1836 for sending messages over telegraph wires. It is not often used in the modern world." The Mayor and his service men looked stunned by the technology in front of them. "What is this place we have come to?" Suddenly, Mr. Steelhead, Mayor of Pittsburgh, entered the room. The Mayor Blunders stands amazed while looking at Mayor Steelhead, who literally has a steel beam sticking out of his head. "Who are these men Miss secretary?" Asked Mr Steelhead. "These men are from Venango County." Said the secretary. "What's a Venango?" Asked Mayor Steelhead. Mayor Blunders interjects stating that they are there to negotiate a name change for the Allegheny River. "We have more of a right to the river than your county. We are further north and the river changes names after running through your city anyway." Mayor Steelhead looks at Blunders as if he is insane. "You are more than a week too early for April fools. I have a city to run!" "Please Mr. Steelhead" said Mayor Blunders "allow us to plead our case..." "I know exactly who you are" Stated Steelhead "You are the one who keeps having Chinese food delivered to us with a note claiming it as payment for the river..." "It's just a peace offering" stated Blunders. "How is it a peace offering when you stick me with the bill?" Asked Steelhead "and who orders two thousand pounds of lomein?" Blunders tried to express his stance the best he could but was shut down when they Pittsburgh Mayor slammed his office door. Mayor Blunders has since returned from Pittsburgh and is planning to raise terrifs on Pittsburgh to 50 percent despite the fact we never trade with them.