The Clarion Mall is one step ahead of Cranberry Mall with the recent hiring of a new decorator. According to satiracle owners (NOT THE REAL ONES!), Mr. OCD CDO immediately got to work Monday morning with the installation of new lighting. The Mall's only visitor was astonished not just by the light display, but also by what seemed to be the addition of Halloween Themed cobwebs in every corner of the building. The visitor was so excited, he ran outside to where the decorator was turning on the lights, praising him for the decision to bring an October holiday to the midway point of the year. "Who needs Christmas in July when you now have Halloween?" States the satiracle visitor who requested he remain anonymous. The Decorator, Mr. OCD CDO, stood with a puzzled look. "What cobwebs?" He asked the visitor. Mr. Harold Lloyd, the anonymous visitor we refuse to identify, stood shocked by the question. "So those tarantulas weren't fake?" "What tarantulas?" Responded the interior decorator. Noticing the sickened look on the anonymous visitors face in contrast to the joy expressed when he thought the webs were a display, Mr. CDO OCD decided to set Mr. Lloyd's mind at ease by taking credit for the spiders. "Oh! You mean those tarantulas!" Stated Mr. CDO OCD. The Clarion Mall will be hosting Halloween themes year round until someone can clean up the mess with a broom. While we understand this story is arguably more applicable to the Cranberry Mall, we decided to instead invest this energy in Clarion's because their slightly better shape means they can handle the beating. With Cranberry's Mall one brick away from a crumble, we'd rather reserve them for our more merciless humor.

A photo surfaced Saturday morning of a cannon aimed right for the farmers market in downtown Clarion. According to sources we made up for the sake of this article, the photo has not been doctored, raising concerns about the safety issues surrounding the cannon. "We have been holding the farmers market for several years and that cannon is always pointing directly at us," states Margaret Margherita, a local resident who frequently shops at the market before neglecting her health with too much alcohol. Residents say this cannon has not moved in decades, which is exactly what one would expect from something that has been planning its revenge on tomato paste… whatever the hell that means. Due to the nature of the threat, city officials are unsure how to respond to the cannon. Some say that it is a threat, and that moving the market would make it angry. Others say that remaining is exactly why the cannon is pointed at them and that moving is essential to avoid a potential attack. "The cannon is obviously unhappy with us meeting on that corner," states one city official. "You don't just come home from war in Europe and sit quietly next to a corn booth for the rest of your life. We need to move fast, or our town's only popcorn maker will be blasted away!" No plan is in place to move the market because politics is a slow, sloooooooooooow, SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW process. For the time being, marketers have been encouraged to place defenses in case the cannon decides to make its move. Until then, sellers will continue growing their pumpkin patches and tomato paste in case they must retaliate.

The city of Franklin is abuzz thanks to the installation of a new stop sign. According to sources, residents and city officials are overjoyed after a 5-year wait has finally come to an end. "We have been trying to raise the funds necessary to purchase the new sign," states the Mayor of Franklin. "Our city doesn't have a mayor, so getting this stop sign installed took a lot of work on my end considering I don't actually exist." The back alley for the stop sign has not been used in several years because it is blocked off. The installation of the new sign is just the first step in the process of reopening the dead end. "We really like that road for the positive reasons it exists," states Matilda Prick. "We also hate it for the negative aspects of its existence, which really are the only traits it carries." Franklin has come close 30 times to raising the money it needs for the sign. Every time, they wound up loaning it out to Oil City before they could make the purchase. Now, they can finally say that their money has been spent on things to better their town. In other news: Oil City borrows stop sign from Franklin.

OIL CITY – The long-awaited NFL preseason opener for the Oil City Oil Spills kicked off last night at Derrick Stadium… or at least it was supposed to. The team took the field ready to prove themselves, only to discover the NFL had not, in fact, added them to the league — largely because they only have 25 players, no defensive coordinator, and a head coach who still thinks “cover two” is a mattress warranty. With no opposing team present, the Oil Spills still decided to play the game for the crowd of 14 loyal fans and a stray cat. The first drive showed promise when quarterback Tony “Grease Arm” Mullins rolled out to his right and hit his wide receiver in stride… only for the ball to be intercepted by absolutely no one. “We just got outplayed on that one,” Mullins said. On the very next series, running back Ricky “Slip ‘n Slide” Harper took the handoff, made a sharp cut, and promptly fumbled the ball. The loose pigskin was scooped up by absolutely no one from the non-existent defense, resulting in a turnover to the air. The opposing “team” never scored a single point — mostly because they didn’t exist — yet the Oil Spills still struggled offensively. Mullins overthrew two open receivers, one of whom was eating nachos in the stands, and the other who was just a shadow on the field. The game ended in a 0-0 tie, with highlights including dropped passes, missed field goals, and one punt that went backward after hitting the punter in the head. Coach Numskull remained optimistic: “We kept them from scoring, and that’s something to build on. Next week, we’ll try to keep ourselves from scoring zero too.”

Police have been searching all day for a man who witnesses say "dared to cross outside the lines." According to sources, the unidentified man is Harold Derrick, an local figure known for being unidentified. Police have done a city wide search through all 10 houses but have been unable to find the man. They asked Harold Derrick personally where he is but were unsuccessful in finding him at the location he provided. Officers thanked him for his lead, shook his hand, and left his house. The search goes on for the man who jaywalked last night with many fearing he may do it again. Police are warning people to stay in doors unless they want to be outside. For those who are outside, police are advising they prepare for any unlikely dangers if the jaywalker jaywalks again. As for the unidentified man, Harrold Derrick, police have asked him to keep them informed if he ever sees himself. Due to his close connection to his own existence, police believe he is their number one lead to finding himself.

Clarion County's top news source is facing public scrutiny after two spelling errors were discovered on their staff page. According to sources, the errors were discovered by a grammar Nazi early Wednesday evening and were immediately shared to social media. The news went viral by Clarion County standards with roughly 3 shares. As of the posting of this article, Explore Clarion has not fixed the mistake on their staff page. In a sense, we want to be trolls and have this article shared. At the same time, we kinda want to see how long it takes them to notice the mistake... Go ahead and share this. We'll just come out with another article when they do fix the mistake. STOP THE PRESS! THE HATS GOT TO HIS HEAD! The staff member the error was describing may or may not have stated that he is not bothered by the mistake. According to the words we put into his mouth, "You should see what we put on the closed captions last week." The error is minor but huge for the satirical news world. Blobbert Blobfish, founder and CEO of the Venango Republic, states that he is pleased we finally have something worth writing about. I mean, let's face it... nothing really happens here.

Clarion Township, famously home to Clarion University, and that one cow sculpture near Sligo nobody asked for, proudly hosts students from all over the world. Well, maybe not the world, but definitely parts of Pittsburgh. The town pulses with life nearly two nights a week during the school year, when students flood the bars and momentarily convince the locals that the economy is thriving. Clarion is clearly driven by a youthful spirit... at least until May, when that spirit packs up, goes home, and takes all the bar tabs with it. With the school year just around the corner, new student (singular intended) will be coming to town wondering "what can I do with my time outside of school?" We here at the Venango Republic have researched this subject deeply and managed to come up with a list of five things to do in Clarion. Bars Too nice for Clarion Bars are a great way to socialize with people in Clarion county. Between spending your money on drinks, buying drinks, and maybe even purchasing alcohol, you can find the very atmosphere you are looking for at the bar setting. Clarion township has four notable locations which are Loomis, Tody's, University Inn, and Clarion Brewing. All of these locations classify as bars, and according to our research, also serve alcohol. Beer Hangout Spots Eh..... Much like the bar setting, establishments that serve beer are also a great place to hangout with classmates. This is so common in Clarion, it is one of the only things students do outside their dorm. There are at least four noteworthy locations serving beer to peole who want a fun night out. This list includes Loomis, Toby's, University Inn, and Clarion Brewing. Unlike the four mentioned in the first thing to do, these locations serve alcohol for anyone who enjoys the taste of alcohol. Taverns That's more like it! Clarion has such a variety of things to do on a Friday night, we weren't quite sure what to mention. After some long consideration, we decided we could not fail to mention that there are places serving alcohol in Clarion. This is another beloved activity people enjoy as it presents an atmosphere for people to socialize while also spending money on drinks. There are four locations that offer this kind of experience which includes Loomis, Toby's, Univerity Inn, and Clarion Brewing. If you havent decided what to try on this list, at least consider this one. Unlike the first two options, these locations offer a fun social atmosphere and also serve you drinks. The Cow The cow sees all and knows all! The Clarion Cow is symbol of everything you did not know this county stood for. We aren't quite sure what or how the cow illustrates this. But hey.... (Insert valid point here). The cow is located somewhere around here. It is so significant, neighbors who grew up seeing it visit it, and nobody else. Addtionaly, this structure is so unique, it can be found anywhere around the world. This one however, has all of it's udders clipped off according to my grandma who died two years ago. Alcoholics Anonymous AA could also mean"almost awake" depending on context. For those of you who tried the first three things on the list, had too much to drink, and for some reason thought the cow was worth visiting, we highly recommend this last activity as your go to. AA offers a great community of people who probably have been to bars in the past and accidentally thought cows were worth visiting too. This portion of the list is optional as not everyone drinking takes it this far. For those who do, AA is a pretty good option for finding the same kind of connections in a different atmosphere. Unlike the bars though, they offer free donuts instead of drinks.

Franklin, PA – In a turn of events that’s even weirder than whatever’s going on in Polk, a Franklin man named Greg “G-Stop” Caruthers has gone public with the confession that he’s been in a committed romantic relationship with a stop sign since 2017. The relationship began, according to Greg, when he was pulled over at the intersection of 8th and Elk and claims he “locked eyes with the reflective red beauty and just knew she was the one.” “Other people see traffic control,” said Greg, holding a photo album full of selfies and candlelit picnics next to the sign. “But I see passion, patience, and really great boundaries.” Greg has petitioned the Franklin Borough Council to legally recognize his union so he can add the sign to his health insurance. The council, currently split 2-2 with one member still locked in a Porta-John from last month’s Founders Day, says they will “take it under advisement as soon as someone brings snacks.” Community Reactions: “Honestly, I’ve seen worse matches on Tinder,” said local barista Janelle Sprigg. “That sign is more emotionally available than my ex-husband,” added another resident. Despite criticism, Greg has announced plans for a wedding this fall. The reception will be held at the intersection, featuring a red-themed buffet and a first dance to “Stop! In the Name of Love.” When asked if the sign had ever spoken to him, Greg nodded solemnly: “Every time I see her, she says, Stop. And I do. I stop... for love.”

Our summer intern is taking things to new levels by joining the local eagle scouts. Big Foot, a respected member of the community says that he is applying his skills of outdoor survival as a mentor to other youth who may want to run harry nude like him one day. "I take an interest in serving the community when I am able" states Big Foot. "This time it is a bit different, because kids used to be what I would have for lunch before I became domesticated." The children big foot will be working with are excited to learn about the outdoors. This is mainly because nobody told them they have to leave their phones at home. For Big Foot, this is more than just having fun. This is about teaching kids the skills he used when he ran through the woods. "I want the kids to know exactly what it takes in case they ever get stranded" says Big Foot "That's why I am going to start with what neighborhoods are the easiest targets for lunch." Big foot has over 300 years of experience in the woods. With no family preceeding his generation, and no explanation as to how he actually exists, Big Foot has seen a lot and has valuable experience to give the kids. Despite his questionable dietary history and unclear origins, Big Foot has been fully embraced by the Eagle Scouts, even earning an honorary sash made entirely of bark and possum fur. As for the merit badges, he’s already claimed ten—including Advanced Tree Whispering and Barefoot Speed Hiking. Leaders say his presence has “elevated the troop’s commitment to wilderness skills and unsettling nighttime noises.”

Mayor Blunders of Oil City has just announced his intent to break ties with the Declaration of Independence. This came after a Thursday afternoon brunch at home. The Mayor was on his fourth whipped cream can when it suddenly occured to him that Venango County has nothing against "whoever that document might be talking about." "We are no longer going to do business with the Declaration of Independence" stated Mayor Blunders from the back of his bedroom window. The crowd of 1 person stood confused as to why some random guy was yelling at him while he was walking his dog. Mayor Blunders still proceeded to speak even though nobody was listening. "We know nothing about this document. Supporting it just because our neighboring nation the United States demands us to is a poor reason to jump on board. Mayor Blunders is not aware what sparked the existence of the document. But he says that as long as the nation it talks about is not looking for a fight, we "should not provoke any more drama by having it exist. Now, I'm off to some pub to make fun of this guys British accent. What a loser!"

A recent study from Venango University found that fire extinguishers cannot put out fires. According to information provided by professors at the university, covering flames with a giant metal cylinder will actually do more harm than good if the extinguisher explodes. A test was conducted using 5 extinguishers and some neighborhood nobody wants around anymore. Professor Doofus, head of teaching curriculums at Venango University, lit one of the houses on fire with the hope that the rest would burst in flames too. Oddly, the match did not work like it did an hour before. The professor was forced to use the electric wiring instead. Professor Doofus was able to successfully catch 6 houses on fire simultaneously. Several families came out of the homes furious for some odd reason. However, the professor did not allow this to prevent him from doing his experiment. While the families tried to figure out who or what started the fire, Doofus tried to beat the flames with the extinguisher. His discovery was staggering. Apparently, hitting the flames with the extinguisher will not put out the fire. This data shows that the extinguishers are entirely useless when managing burning buildings. To substitute, Doofus was forced to look into other options such as aerosol cans. These too proved to make things worse. Eventually, the fires did put themselves out. Unfortunately, there were no buildings left to experiment on and the homeowners had no place else to go. The professor decided to set them on fire too. The lack of results shows that the study will require further research. Professor Doofus has been working on this matter for five years, but he is confident he will find something soon. It just requires more houses and a bigger neighborhood.

The United States Postal Service celebrated 250 years of existence this week with pictures of staff flooding articles... well, technically one article written by a local nobody. The buzz was so huge, 5 people commented their congratulations while the rest of us dropped our packages off at UPS. Reaching 250 years is a major accomplishment for a business. Although this one is technically mandated by the government to exist, we'll still cut them slack since they lost over nine billion last year. They could use as much love as they can get. However, we still have a complaint and feel that the post office owes an explanation. Ad In an article posted by Explore Venango, the local post office submitted a picture of their current staff but failed to include everyone from the last 250 years. This was quite a shock considering the current staff likely make up less than one percent of the 250 years of back-breaking work. This also fails to account for the generations of mailmen trying to survive German Shepherds when dropping off their clients’ Rolling Stone magazine. It goes without saying that the countless workers from past generations deserve more recognition than what they got this past week. For this reason, the Venango Republic has taken this initiative to digitally insert the ghosts of these past workers into the image with the current workers. We have removed the faces of the current employees because they already got their moment of fame... plus we don't want to be sued. Actually ghosts of past workers. We here at the Venango Republic would like to thank these workers for showing up today. We understand that being dead means you are typically sleeping. So taking time out of your schedule for an AI photoshoot means a lot to the people who don't really give a crap. Also, thank you for your service. Delivering our letters on time was a noble deed even if you did lose your lives to those German Shepherds. We will never forget.