Empty roads are rejoicing after learning about a man who intentionally drives slow to save nobody. The anonymous man surfaced from his batcave Wednesday night around 10:30 PM and didn't waste time hitting the brakes with his featherweight foot. We reached out to this driver for a quote. Unfortunately, he ran out of gas and is stuck somewhere between Clarion and Shippenville. Note: he topped off his tank in Clarion. Because we believe in giving locals a voice when an article cites them, we are not going to let this circumstance keep this man from speaking his mind. Here is a quote we decided to put in the driver’s mouth: "The definition of a speed limit means you are limited to that speed," states Foothold Back, a local slowpoke who holds his foot back when driving on 322. "When I see a sign that says the speed limit is 50, I am happy because it gives me 50 different speeds to choose from." Congratulations, slowpoke. You had 50 options and chose one to ruin everyone's day. Other slow drivers cite Foothold as an inspiration. One guy we made up for the sake of this article states, "It can be hard having disgruntled drivers honking their horns when we slow them down. We can't seem to understand why they are honking because we're brain dead. Nonetheless, we keep driving slow because it makes sense to keep angering people who are operating a three-thousand-pound object behind us." Brilliant! Keep people safe by making drivers’ attitudes unsafe. As for Route 322, people with common sense are still asking who these slowpokes think they are saving. On a stretch of road that literally nobody walks on for miles, the only logical explanation is the deer. This makes sense and seems to be working, since the deer themselves walk faster than the people slowing down traffic. Unfortunately, these drivers are facing some backlash from the Amish, who say their buggies are forced to go half the speed they usually reach. PennDOT has not commented on the situation. During the summer, they are used to slowing down traffic on 322 for roadwork that doesn't seem necessary. They spend so much time on 322 it has become their storage space. Consequently, people are growing upset and pressuring PennDOT to address the drivers who are slowing down traffic. Even the potholes have filed complaints about their inability to grow because of cars that won't move. At this rate, people may be losing their jobs, but at least the township can save money on speed bumps. Who cares if they weren't planning on buying any? It's the thought that counts. The only issue to resolve now is helping the slow drivers learn a lesson from PennDOT. I mean, at least when PennDOT slows down traffic, they pretend to have a reason.

The exercise of free speech is a privelege Amercans value immensely. So much, that we hold public debates on campuses and fearlessly post our opinions to social media. Just as people have a right to say and believe what they want in this country, each of us also has a right to ignore the opinions of others, especially when what they voice is toxic to our culture. Enters the Venango Republic. I have no idea who runs this website. The very first article I read this past week concerned some ridiculous story about re-routing the Colorado River to pass through Oil City on its way to Lake Mede. Although this idea is obviously ridiculous, the concept is not the issue. The problem is the jokes surrounding the satire. Some of the Venango Republic's earliest articles are incredibly bellitling to the region. It took me a while to scroll, but I was able to go back and find jokes suggesting that Venango County is "not as big as New York" and that Oil City "does not have a skyline." I also found jokes suggesting that nobody in the county has "surpassed the third grade." These jokes are incredibly degrading and bad for morale in a county that barely has any. Another problem with the website is the constant reference to this man named "Mayor Blunders." Supposedly, this character is just a way to troll every bad financial decision the county has ever made. The website states that it is not mocking any specific person. While this might be true, the very concept of an idiotic mayor makes it seems like Oil City doesn't know how to elect industry standard politicians. The very idea that we don't have anyone available who could compete with a representative in Washington D.C. takes things way too far! Just wait until you see the sort of things this "Mayor Blunders" does in the Venango Republic articles. The list includes... Signing orders to call the Allegheny River the Gulf of Venango Placing tarrifs on Pittsburgh and Allegheny County Flooding Rouseville after building a dam to cut off Pittsburghs water supply Increasing the county debt by 30 trillion to a Chinese restaurant in Seneca Taking out 20 dollar loans from Franklin to help Oil City pay it's bills Having a space race with Titusville using cheap rockets from Walmart Making city hall share its building with an outhouse As you can see, this humor pushes the envelope because it suggests things that obviously don't happen here. If people read these kinds of stories, they might think it's true when it obviously isn't. We can't let the world think this unrealistic stuff is happening. They probably won't, but it still is offensive because it's not true! One of the most offensive things I saw on this website was an article that discussed things to do in Venango County. This one was probably what truly set things off for me. The article listed several things to do in Venango County such as visiting a random stump, drinking alcohol, smoking weed, and visiting alcoholics anonymous. The worst part was that they cited the historic City of Pithole and mentioned the fact that there are no buildings left. Despite this being true, they did not need to specify that point. Stating that it is "just a field" with a sign describing what used to be there makes it seem like it is just a field with a sign describing what used to be there. Not to mention, there are tons of things to do in Venango County. We have a whole mall with leaky roofs and empty sections where stores used to exist. We also have television in the homes of people who can afford them. Bottom line, this website is so much worse then TV shows like Southpark which makes sexually innapropriate jokes and attempts to cross the lines of politically correct ideals. The Venango Republic doesn't use foul language or offensive humor. Instead, they exaggerate stuff we automatically know to be false. I know personally it makes me uncomfortable because its so much easier to deny that Venango County is not a metropolis than to joke about the fact that it isn't. It is also extremely uncomfortable to joke about how our community has people on welfare because denying that reality is more likely to help them get out of it. The Venango Republics sarcastic way of addressing local needs may not be attacking anyone personally, but it does make me feel attacked bacause I want to believe this is the biggest thing since sliced baloney. This is exactly why I am curled up in my bathtub passing the time with a binky in my mouth as I write this article. I would like to extend a personal thank you to the Venango County Shoutout page as well as the Venango Happenings page on Facebook. Instead of doing a post approval filtering process like other local themed pages, they just blocked the guy behind the Venango Republic. I hear he is a reasonable guy who doesn't complain if a page admin thinks an article is too cringe for their page. Nonetheless, respectable guys that are willing to talk things through should be blocked because they might make Venango County find something worth laughing about. Our county doesn't have much humor and we would like to keep it that way.

It has always been a mystery what lies beyond the border of Venango County. Locals have wondered for generations if life exists outside the region and if it is even safe to venture into the lands beyond. In recent decades, families have become concerned about the consequences of setting foot into the outer rim as studies show that no one who does ever seems to return. With several families losing contact with loved ones who wander into the forbidden lands, experts have been desperately trying to find an answer as to what exists outside. Several clinical studies have been conducted in recent years with no conclusive explanation. Nonetheless, theories are rising with plausible suggestions. The most recent theory to come to light is the suggestion that the land outside the border is not actually there. Experts state that there is a chance that the Earth is flat and that people stepping onto the supposed land immediately fall through to nothing. The strongest evidence to support this claim stems from the fact that the people conducting these studies are qualified morons. Another common explanation among scientists is the idea that dinosaurs still exist and are eating everyone who leaves the bubble. Wanna be Doctor Ken Wagatail states that he is certain of the possibility that monstrous creatures still roam the Earth because his wife just purchased a purse made of reptile skin. Where this theory struggles is in the fact that the material of her purse is not authentic because no one in the county can afford reptile. The final theory that the scientists seem to be ignoring is the possibility that life thrives beyond the border of the county. Dr. Wrinkle Remover posted to Facebook earlier this week expressing his doubts. "There is no evidence of life outside of these hills. Venango County is the Eden of our world and possibly the wealthiest place in Venango County. Boredom is a paradise and we must accept this as reality." Dr. Wrinkle Remover is backed by his third grade homeschool Baptist education. The evidence for life outside of Venango has been disputed for decades. Those who remained after the collapse of the oil industry have argued about whether the people who left the county survived their journey to find new lands. There has only been evidence of life beyond the border once when a man approaching walked towards us with a giant smile. Once he crossed into Venango County, his smile left and the boredom put him into cardiac arrest. People may never know the answer as to what lies beyond the border. Those with vehicles can only afford enough gas to make it about ten miles from Oil City before walking back to purchase more. They technically can't purchase more, however, because they wasted it on what got them stuck in the first place. This dilemma forces locals to speculate what they are missing on the rest of this planet and if it is something worth knowing about.

The two major superpowers of northwestern Pennsylvania’s poorest counties have been struggling to maintain peace for the last several years. Unfortunately, Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville has been pushing hard to reform the Crawviet Union ever since discovering that Tionesta doesn’t have a military. Mayor Blunders of Oil City has warned Dumbdumb that any attempt to invade the neighboring county will spark inter-county backlash. Sadly, no other counties have offered support—mostly because they recognize the conflict is ridiculous. In a show of solidarity with Forest County, Mayor Blunders has reached out to Butler, Clarion, West Crawford, and basically every other county in this half of the state, proposing the formation of an alliance he calls CATO (County Atlantic Treaty Organization). So far, the only official endorsement is a signature from a 9-year-old who claims to be the president of Clintonville. The rejection has been difficult for Mayor Blunders, who insists he is committed to keeping western Pennsylvania free of Dumbdumb’s rule. But with a military composed of less than three soldiers and a stockpile of spitball guns, Venango can offer Forest County little real support if another invasion occurs. In a press briefing today, Mayor Blunders revealed his plan to pressure other counties into cooperation through sanctions. “Our political leaders are still studying the word sanction to know what exactly it means,” said Blunders. “Once we figure it out, we’ll be imposing them on Clarion and Butler.” Clarion has not responded to Blunders’ threat. Most assume it’s because Clarion understands what sanctions are and knows they don’t apply between counties. Butler, meanwhile, has brushed off the idea completely. Mayor Houseservant of Butler stated he has been dealing with Mayor Blunders for years and doesn’t see how it could possibly get worse. With neighboring counties showing little interest in supporting Venango and Forest, the outcome of this regional standoff remains uncertain. Then again, we’re talking about East Crawford and Venango—so realistically, both are doomed to fail.

The Oil City Police Department has just announced plans to raise its budget by five cents. The historic increase came after an officer found a quarter under the desk and generously donated part of it to the cause. The remaining 20 cents, according to sources, went toward a pack of gum. “We don’t expect this to contribute much to our cause,” stated the Sheriff, “but it should be enough to get one and a half paper clips. That’s progress.” City Council celebrated the budget boost with a catered dinner of tap water and crackers. Officials assured residents that the five-cent increase would trickle down to better law enforcement, though many remain skeptical. “We’re told the extra funds will allow officers to replace one of the tires on the patrol car… with a used bicycle tire,” said one council member. Other potential uses of the new budget include: One bullet (if purchased on sale). Half a flashlight battery (the bottom half). A new shoelace for the K9 unit’s dog. Three minutes of parking meter time downtown. Local residents are divided over the increase. Some argue that the money should go toward pothole repair, while others believe the police need it to upgrade their walkie-talkies from “Fisher Price” to “slightly less Fisher Price.” Regardless of the controversy, city leaders remain optimistic. “This is just the start,” said one official. “If we keep searching under the couch cushions at City Hall, we could raise this budget by as much as 15 cents next year. Oil City deserves that kind of vision.”

The Venango States of America has seen a drastic increase in illegal migration in the last week with a Butler native crossing the border without proper documentation. Border security is at an all-time low. With only three people making up the Venango States military, much focus has been given to the growing crisis with East Crawford on the northern border. Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville has attempted to send troops to extend the border of East Crawford, forcing the Venango military to be on alert for potential war. Meanwhile, the southern border remains unguarded with irrational fears of residents in southern counties coming over. "We must secure the border if we are going to maintain the integrity of our newly found nation," states Mayor Blunders. "Our founding fathers wanted this nation to set itself apart from the United States by being closed off to the rest of the world." Mayor Blunders is the only founding father who elected to secede four months ago. Witnesses say that a Butler resident illegally crossed today with no resistance. Locals were shocked to see that outsiders could enter their country so easily without proper documentation and were ready to scold him. Unfortunately, he took one sniff and crossed back into Butler before anyone could approach. The Venango County House of Representatives will meet tomorrow to address the matter of border crossing. Speaker of the House, Mayor Blunders’ sister, states that she will hear the matter just for a good laugh. The Speaker of the House hates her brother and is likely to make light of his proposed border wall.

Fasten your seatbelts and get ready for the time of your... actually, it isn’t that much of an experience, but we’ll make it sound as impressive as we can. It’s Venus! The City of Venus, known for absolutely nothing, and home to the famous absolutely nothing, resembles the planet of the same name in that there appears to be no intelligent life anywhere. With an industry employing one hundred percent of its two residents, the city thrives on the inflow from those who drive to Clarion for work. It was genuinely hard to decide what five things to pick for this list mainly because there is not one thing to do in Venus. Nonetheless, we worked as hard as we could to come up with a list of things tourists could enjoy. Note, anything interesting on this list was completely fabricated to get us to the number 5. This is the top five things to do in Venus. Post Office Tours The post office in Venus is open to anyone wanting to come inside for complete boredom. What sets this boredom apart from the outside is the fact that nothing is different than the boredom on the outside. Open each day the owner feels like getting out of bed, tourists can come and get a taste of what uninteresting things happen in this building. Mail pickup is the first Tuesday of every year. Church Small town folks don’t know what they are missing out on when it comes to the magnitude of congregational sizes in Venus. The average church is so huge, it slightly exceeds the amount of people in their local outhouse. Stop by the Venus Lutheran Church where the preaching is sure to cure your sleep deprivation. Less traditional? There is also the Venus Evangelical Church. They could use visitors anyway. They haven’t had anyone to evangelize to in decades. Standing on the Corner Festival The annual Standing on the Corner Festival draws approximately no people every year. The town gets so busy, the local policeman is forced to shut down no roads due to the traffic that never comes through. Stop on by and look like an idiot to nobody as you stand on a corner for no reason whatsoever. Worried about stepping out into traffic? Do not fear. No one ever drives through this town anyway. The Historic Abandoned Storefront Imagine a time when food was available and residents did not have to drive two hours to get it. The abandoned storefront gives visitors a look into what used to be a major part of the town’s existence. What makes this particular location unique is that it doesn’t actually exist because Venus never had a store. Skyline at Sunset The Venus skyline is arguably the most anticipated part of someone’s day. Just watch the visual improvement of this town getting covered in darkness. Tourists can enjoy the view of sunlight reflecting off the biggest skyscrapers—provided those rundown barns have windows. Conclusion Venus is a very popular place for tourists to avoid. Yearly, the city sees one unfamiliar junker driving through unexpectedly. The town is so beloved, even the people who have heard of it haven’t actually been there. For anyone looking for an eventful getaway, this is without a doubt the best option when your idea of eventful is complete boredom.

Mayor Blunders of Oil City, and self-declared President of Venango County, has tried writing to the United Nations several times since Venango County seceded from the United States 4 months ago. The secession has brought mixed reactions among the locals now that Venango classifies as a tenth-world country. Without financial support from Washington, Mayor Blunders has tried desperately to gain allies with other nations but has been unsuccessful in getting their support. This is mainly because every nation keeps hanging up the phone when he calls. At a rally outside of Franklin, President Blunders told his supporters to "be proud of the newly formed nation," assuring them that they will be recognized as soon as he "can get someone to take him seriously." Blunders successfully motivated his supporters as he left the stage. All three of them chanted "VSA! VSA!" in recognition of the newly formed country. The United Nations has met several times since the secession, and President Blunders has not been invited to any meetings. With no allies to support Venango, the trade deficit is likely to put the county in greater poverty than it has experienced thus far... What else is new? President Blunders intends on attending the next meeting with the world leaders on the condition that he can raise the money. Note that almost 3 years have passed and he still cannot find the coffee can containing the city treasury. Without that twenty dollars, Venango will never make it to the United Nations.

A local dispute over a puddle of water has escalated into a geographical crisis. Clarion County is seeing division that may spread further if authorities cannot successfully contain the situation. The disagreement began when rainwater flooded the Ace Hardware parking lot in Clarion Township. Ace Hardware and Dan Smith's Candies both refuse to take ownership, each suggesting that responsibility for the water falls on the opposing establishment. The water itself has not commented on who it prefers to claim as its “daddy,” leaving this dispute up to the court of public opinion. As for the court of public opinion, divorce rates have increased by 85%, with husbands siding with Ace Hardware. Wives have left their spouses because their love for chocolate supersedes their appreciation for power tools. Local churches have also collapsed into chaos, with congregation members fighting over which business to pray for. Lives have been affected, and the community is falling apart. In a press briefing today, Mayor Intellect of Clarion addressed the division, calling for unity. "This town is divided because it is forgetting who the true villain is," states Mayor Intellect. "The puddle is trying to divide us, and it is the true enemy here." The CIA (Clarion Intelligence Association) confirms it has seen an increase in water runoffs forming puddles in controversial places. Experts suggest the recent patterns may be a plot by Mother Nature to wash out the people who remain. "This is not just a local issue," states one CIA agent. "What starts in Clarion will eventually progress to NATO if we cannot stop it from spreading." Locals have suggested aiming the cannons in Central Park directly at the sky to threaten the clouds. Others caution against angering the clouds, fearing they will retaliate by creating more puddles. The crisis is unlike anything our community has ever experienced. While the water plots its course with surgical precision to form puddles in unwanted places, the community must now ask itself: is this town really worth saving?

Oil City – A northside resident of Oil City has successfully raised the money to purchase a new floorboard. This came after months of praying for money to fall in their lap. Eifel Thrufloor, a local man who walks with a limp, managed to find a twenty-dollar bill today when digging up his mother’s grave. "I always dig up her grave to make sure she is decomposing," states Thrufloor. "Her body decomposed just enough this month for me to find the bill sticking out of her corpse." Thrufloor immediately purchased a new board for his collapsing house, leaving him with 30 more to go in his living room. After the completion of his uncompleted project, Thrufloor stated that he wants to keep looking for money by digging up other graves. "You never know if someone is going to accidentally be buried with denominations," states Thrufloor. "Maybe next time I will come across an entire dollar!"

Venango County has been a proud independent nation since Mayor Blunders elected to secede from the United States four months ago. Residents have celebrated their independence in various ways to reflect the pride of their tenth-world country. Despite the pride of the newly formed Venango States of America, Mayor Blunders has expressed concern over the open borders between Butler and Venango County. At a rally in downtown Oil City, the Mayor, and self-declared president, promised his following that he will secure the border with increased security and a new 30-foot wall. "Every day, millions of undocumented visitors cross into our nation illegally," said Mayor Blunders. "We are going to prevent those Butler natives from bringing their crime, sweet’n low packets, and whatever else comes from Butler." We have no idea what Mayor Blunders is talking about. Butler has less than two hundred thousand residents, and none of them want to come here. "I am not being racist," says Mayor Blunders. "I love Mexican food. But anyone coming from Butler into our country needs to do it legally." We also don't understand the odd reference to Mexican food. Construction of the wall on the southern border is scheduled to start next week. No building materials will be available because Venango County cannot afford it. The only worker the county could afford to hire will literally just be standing there with nothing to do.

Police are searching for a local news anchor who went missing during the annual "Fishers of Men" event at Two Mile Run Park. The event took place around 5 PM when all the participants were dropped into the water to be chased down by motor boat. Among the participants was the official news anchor for the Venango Republic, Mr. Dead Weight. Authorities state they still have no leads. All survivors who were not accidentally sucked into the blades of the motor boat state that they last saw Dead Weight jump out of the boat. Afterwards, swimmers were too focused on out-swimming the fishers of men to notice what happened to Dead Weight. Police suspect the news anchor may have been kidnapped during the event. Although he is made completely out of steel, deputies state that they are sure he was drug out of the water while the boat was running over all the other participants. Police are asking for anyone with information to please contact Jenny at 867-5309. A reward of absolutely nothing will be given to anyone with information that leads to the finding of Mr. Dead Weight.