Successfully landing on the Moon has brought about excitement. So much of Venango County's reputation hinged on the success of this mission after East Crawford became the first Western Pensylvania County to launch a rocket into space. Failing to match their altitude of ten feet was Mayor Blunders greatest embarassment in 2025. However, despite the shortcomings, the Mayor has insisted that Venango County will achieve heights much greater than East Crawford in this cold war period. Yesterday, Mayor Blunders, the self declared president of Venango County, announced to the nation of Venango that our astronauts had successfully landed on the Moon. The news shocked Eastern Crawford, who had initially thought Venango County was too poor for such a space mission. However, as of today, we have picture proof that the Moon landing actually took place with 3 astronauts making safe passage abord a 12 inch long rocket. The first photo depicts the three Moon landers exploring the vast region of the lunor surface. Their daring mission, though a risk of unpredictable consequence, has become one they willingly risk life and limb for. Space exploration by our brave astronauts... The mission would involve leaving behind a flag representative of Venango County. But that would not be the first mark of human activity on the surface of the Moon. The lead astronaut on the mission, Mr. Sit Leg-Weak, left his footprint on the velveeta surfact as the first man to walk on the moon. Mr. Sit Leg-Weak making history with his footprint... Although Mayor Blunders was unable to fit on the 12 inch rocket with this three 6 foot tall astronauts, due to limited capacity, he could not resist taking part in the photoshoot on the Moon. Mayor Blunders participating in the Moon photoshoot despite his inability to join the mission. Of course, no mission would be complete without a collection of samples to return home with. Each astronaut made sure to gather enough cheese for professors at Venango University to examine closely. Cheese samples puchased from the Aldi on the Moon... With more than a day passed since the mission began, it has now come t time for our brave men to come home. Each took their seat in the shuttle, and away they went, with one of their hands being left behind. Shuttle leaving the surface of the moon. With the team now on their way home, Mayor Blunders asks that nobody stop by the astronauts homes. This way they can travel back undisturbed.

Tension is rising once again between East Crawford and Venango County, as Mayor Dumdum of Titusville, capital of East Crawford County, is declaring Venango in violation of the Western Pennsylvania Convention, which prohibits space travel without the approval of the other counties. Mayor Blunders of Oil City, capital of Venango County, states that his attempt to fly to the moon is completely justified under Article C of the Western Pennsylvania Accords. Mayor Blunders, who has never read the Western Pennsylvania Accords, pulled out a transcript that seemed to be written in crayon with his handwriting, declaring that flights to the moon are legal, specifically for Venango County and no one else. Ad Mayor Dumdum of Titusville responded to Mayor Blunder's claim that the Accords permit Venango County to fly to the moon without the express permission of Western Pennsylvania's United Counties. Mayor Dumdum's basis for his argument is the fact that the Pennsylvania Accords don't actually exist because he literally just made them up. Mayor Blunders of Oil City states that he intends to fly to the moon by the end of this year and will make his newly self-declared nation the Venango States of America the first nation to ever land a human on an object other than earth. Mayor Blunders evidently has never watched footage pertaining to American history.

The Cranberry Mall saw heavier traffic than usual today after a woman allegedly suggested to the community that a new store had opened on the West Wing. According to sources, Jennifer Gossip, a local known for speaking impulsively, told locals on a Facebook group that she saw a new store open inside the mall. Thanks for watching! After further investigation, it was determined that there was no business opening up inside the Cranberry Mall. Instead, Ms. Gossip mistook a flickering lightbulb in one of the abandoned storefronts as a sign of active tenant occupancy. Ad The traffic outside the Cranberry Mall took several hours to disperse. Not for the fact that there were more cars than authorities could manage. In fact, only five vehicles filled that side of the parking lot. The issue was figuring out a way to navigate them around each pothole, which have been known to swallow vehicles whole. Charges will not be pressed against Miss Gossip for misinforming the community on the potential store opening. However, officials have warned the community, citing this example, that not all things reported online can be trusted as factual. Miss Gossip will be forced to carry a sign with her at all times that says, “I speak impulsively. Don't trust what I say.” Additionally, anyone else in the community who misinforms individuals other than the Venango Republic will also be forced to do the same thing.

It's official! According to political leaders in Oil City, Pennsylvania, the Moon landing is a success with three astronauts currently embarking on the exploration of the lunar surface. VASA's mission to launch a rocket ship to the Moon, transporting three astronauts along the way, has been in the works for almost a month now. After tensions between East Crawford and Venango County rose again, Mayor Dumdum of Titusville, capital of East Crawford County, announced his intentions to further space exploration in honor of the Titusville Rockets football team. Mayor Blunders of Oil City, capital of Venango County, responded to Mayor Dumdum's statement, announcing that he would, by the end of this year, successfully launch a rocket to the Moon with three astronauts aboard. As of this morning, Mayor Blunders announced that it had successfully happened and that we can now officially prove what kind of cheese the Moon is made out of. Ad With much skepticism surrounding Mayor Blunder's claim of landing on the Moon, the self-declared president of Venango County states that he is prepared to prove that the Venango States of America has completed their mission. Despite only having a 12-inch rocket to house the three six-foot tall astronauts, Blunders insists that they were able to fit aboard the shuttle which propelled them into the air. Now with the space race finally reaching new heights, Titusville must exceed the accomplishments of Venango County by finding the next terrestrial solid to land a ship with people on board. Without this success, they will still be known as the county that only managed to launch a rocket 10 feet off the ground. As for the three astronauts aboard, the leader of the group, known as Sit Leg-Weak, became the first to set foot on the surface of the Moon. On a nationally televised event, Mr. Leg-Weak was heard verbalizing, “One tiny step for me. And boy, this is a giant piece of Velveeta cheese.” Millions of people watched on a Facebook Live event, with an estimated 59 viewers, taking part in the historic moment. To date, this is truly Venango County's greatest accomplishment.

The eighty-eight thousand dollar spectacle famously known to Oil City residents on the Northside Center Street Bridge has officially shut off for the first time in its history. According to sources, the lights instantly lost power just milliseconds after the city lit the downtown tree for the Light-Up Night event. Sources confirm that the famous bridge lights could not withstand the power of the tree being lit in the center of Oil City. Despite attempts to try to use the backup power to run the bridge lights, the AAA batteries blew up the minute they were inserted into the fuse box. Residents in Oil City did not notice the bridge lights losing power right away because they were mesmerized by the most expensive tree Oil City has ever purchased. Actual image not generated by AI Local officials began to suspect something was wrong the minute power came back to all the houses on the north side. A convenience they have been unable to revive since the bridge lights were first installed. Consequently, the bridge lights have exceeded the city budget by millions every month since their installation, making it near impossible for officials to justify fixing them. Currently, the tree at the center of town is the only spectacle the city can afford. Residents are forced to depend on this one decor to represent the city's pride in the Christmas season.

A unanimous decision has been made to allow free parking in certain sections of Clarion Township, because apparently those extra quarters are needed to help locals afford their gifts this year. According to sources, the free two-hour parking granted by the borough has been established to help local businesses draw in more people, once again hinting at the idea that the town is dirt poor. In early October, council members debated long and hard over the course of five minutes to reach this difficult decision. This came after last year, when locals were seen rushing from store to store as fast as they could after only putting 10 cents in the meter. While it is not likely to be a major game-changer, experts believe that by saving the extra 50 cents on parking, locals will be able to start paying down their student loans 50 years after they’re dead. “The free parking is an important part of ensuring that holiday shoppers come to Clarion Township this year,” states Mayor Intellect of Clarion Township. “Businesses have been struggling immensely due to everyone’s unwillingness to pay the meter. We know that this free parking will be the game changer we have been looking for.” The free parking will last until December 26th. After that, the city has officially decided that everyone can be screwed for the other 340 days.

The Venango Republic does not take responsibility for any pigeons which may have been maimed by eagles during the production of this article. For more information, please visit KeepEaglesSafe.ThisWebsiteDoesntActuallyExist.com. And now, to our article, inspired by the headline which was submitted by Jenna of Franklin. Congratulations, Jenna! A recent study finds that Oil City has a new industry exceeding the income of all other forms of production. According to studies conducted by Venango University, the disappointment of people trying to escape their community has brought in more income than any other industry currently inhabiting Oil City. A recent survey taken by the professors at Venango University found that a hundred and twenty percent of residents are actually trying to pay city officials as a bribe to help them escape the town. Sources suggest that the bribery is actually helping to revive the city, so much that they have actually paid off the stop sign, which was on loan from Franklin. Further study finds that since the bribes have come in, more residents have found satisfaction in realizing that their efforts are completely useless. 109% of respondents stated that after giving their money in hopes of change, they soon realized nothing would ever come of it. “It’s as if the residents are beginning to see the light,” states Professor I Don’t Have a Degree, Doctor of Nothing from Venango University. “After having to make a sacrifice of the five pennies in their piggy banks, the residents are realizing that it is completely useless to invest anything in a town that has been declining since Quaker State blew the coop.” For context, the professor of the university really did mean “blew the coop,” as it has been verified that the manager of Quaker State had farted while feeding his chickens prior to the company’s departure. The Venango Republic takes no responsibility for any chickens that were maimed in the process of Quaker State’s farts. With the industry of pessimism leading the way in Oil City’s sudden revival, many are wondering how much longer the town can continue these bribes. According to experts, not very long, since much of the town doesn't make more than a penny every year. Coincidentally, the decision of every resident to lose their life savings to help revive the city did make for a temporary revival, but one that, according to experts, is not likely to last.

Walmart in Cranberry is facing the possibility of closing their store after discovering a 69-year-old woman failed to scan several items on three separate occasions. According to sources, the woman, who we will refer to as Scan Not, failed to scan several items on occasions that were more than a week apart from each other. Consequently, Walmart has been forced to press charges for the $165 the woman now owes in order that their multi-billion-dollar business doesn't fail. Ms. ScanNot has not publicly commented on the incident, leaving us to wonder if the failure to scan certain items was intentional or a case of dementia. What we can determine by doing the math is that each occasion averaged a third of $165, which equates to $55. The guilt of the woman largely hinges on the value of each item she failed to scan. For example, if on the first occasion she somehow overlooked a seven-foot Christmas tree lying sideways in the customer’s cart, attorneys are now forced to debate whether she deliberately avoided eye contact with the tree… or whether she legitimately missed the forest for the fir. Right now, the woman in question awaits her trial and is desperately trying to find ways to come up with the $165 she now owes to Walmart. Walmart, on the other hand, has three days to get that money from her, with the risk of having to close their doors before the holiday season takes off. This places them in a very vulnerable position, as holiday shoppers never seem to buy enough to help them pay their workers. “We hate to have to do this,” states the manager of Walmart, who did not actually say this. “The 69-year-old woman has this job as she nears retirement. Unfortunately, we may be forced to retire because of her negligence in scanning that toothbrush and the other items that went with it.” With the holiday season now here and shoppers ready to fill their carts, the risk of losing Walmart might mean that local residents will either have to settle for the Cranberry Mall or figure out a way to drive to Erie to do their shopping... Let’s just drive to Erie.

Venango County, in response to Eastern Crawford's successful space launch, has announced their intent to be the first of Western Pennsylvania's counties to land on the moon. This came several months after Titusville, capital of East Crawford County, successfully launched a $15 rocket 10 feet into the air, declaring that they had successfully made it to space. Mayor Blunders of Oil City, who announced the implementation of a new space program, a.k.a. VASA, states that the lack of progress in reaching space is due to the low budget Venango County has placed on the new organization. However, despite nine failed missions to launch an inch off the ground, VASA will reach space by the end of this year and propel themselves all the way to the moon. “Our lack of success in launching a rocket more than half an inch off the ground was due to our negligence of buying name-brand rockets from Walmart,” states Mayor Blunder. “This time, we will be sure to get the ones that are made in the USA.” Mayor Blunders has still not explained how he intends to fit a full-size human being in a rocket that is less than a foot tall. Nonetheless, he is still adamant that Venango County will beat East Crawford in the space race to get not only 20 feet off the ground, but to also successfully land a person on the moon. Afterwards, he intends to collect samples proving that it is actually made of Velveeta cheese and not mozzarella. The launch will take place next week, providing that Oil City is able to pay off their $15 loan to Franklin for the recent stop sign they purchased. Until then, Titusville has all that time to launch their own rocket into space. Chances are, they too are paying off a stop sign.

The holiday of gratitude is here, and nothing screams ungrateful like visiting relatives and in-laws. We here at the Venango Republic understand the frustration of family drama. We may not be able to guarantee shutting your extended family out this year. However, after consulting experts, we have discovered 5 effective ways to ensure your Thanksgiving will truly be one to give thanks for next year. Insult grandma's cooking Let's be real. You don't really love your family if you are this desperate to keep them from coming back. So why is it so difficult to do the very thing that will ensure they will never visit you again? Their presence is overbearing, you can't stand them, so stop worrying about how they perceive you. Insult her cooking, and voila! Problem solved! Throw a brick at them This could potentially get you landed in jail. But as Thanos once said, "the hardest decisions require the greatest sacrifice." You may have to spend a few Thanksgivings in a jail cell, but after that, all your Thanksgivings will be you alone with your TV. Serve them a Chinese dinner When you serve the food, they'll understand why the cat went missing. Tell them they need to lay off the food Insulting a family member's weight is a great way to make sure they do not come back next year! It might not be culturally appropriate, but neither are they. Just tell that woman to stop stuffing herself like the turkey. Not only will she go, but so will her husband. Kill them Our favorite method is arsenic in the food. However, you might consider just using a gun. You can always claim you saw the turkey move and plead self-defense.

Clarion University students have officially been warned not to use their dorm showers to deep fry turkeys. This announcement came after faculty members discovered melted pipes leaking virgin oil in the basement. According to sources, university students admittedly used their showers to deep fry turkeys, believing that it was a great alternative to using their toilets. The university plumber had just finished fixing the last commode from last year’s incident when the new trend was discovered. Ad “We were taught to think innovatively,” states one of the students, who for some odd reason had her foot stuck in a giant can of beans. “This is the age of technology, and new discoveries are happening every day. We just happened to destroy the plumbing in the process.” Students following this trend will be expected to pay the full cost to replace the pipes. The university estimates the bill will rival the price of a semester’s tuition, meaning most students won’t notice the difference.

The local Cynics and Pessimists Society have expressed disappointment in what they termed an unsuccessful Franklin Light-Up Night event. According to the director of the organization, it was disappointing to see the large turnout for what they had hoped would be a quiet occasion. “I was very disappointed to see the amount of noise caused by the amassing crowd,” states miss Ear Bleed, director of the local Cynics and Pessimists Society. “The ruckus formed by outside tourists angers me so much since we are trying to keep this community as small as we possibly can.” Other members of the organization were also put off by the amount of tourists who came to Franklin’s Light-Up Night. Some members state that they knew outsiders were there after they recognized an accent that is only native to Meadville. According to statistical data, the turnout drew a crowd that would have been matched in numbers in the mid-2000s. Franklin has not seen this size in many years, causing some to wonder what it is about 2025 that caused so many spectators to return. According to the the Cynics and Pessimists Society, this was a huge step in the wrong direction for people who don’t want the county to succeed. “We don’t want the county to succeed,” states Miss TalkTooMuch. “I tend to talk too much. But that’s okay, because my first name is Karen.” Franklin’s Light-Up Night success is one that makes many low-lifes nervous about the future of Venango County. Though this is not likely to result in the county drawing people in, pessimists still don’t like the fact that numerous people showed up to a county that has gotten used to having no community in the last 30 years. Some are fearful that in the next several months, large businesses will start to move in, making the county prosperous once again.... We know that's not happening....