Erie County officials have announced the implementation of a new governmental agency focused on county federal crimes. This came after several pizza detonations in West Crawford and Mercer forced neighboring counties to invade their borders. Credit for the pizza detonations was given to Margarette Deisel Myarmsweak, who heads the Pizza Cartel. After five drive-by pizza dough slaps left locals stunned, Erie has announced that enough is enough. A new agency will now be implemented to investigate county crimes. The County Bureau of Investigation will be tasked with investigating all crimes impacting the nation of Erie County. It will be headed by one Cash Cartel of Erie, Pennsylvania. We can already tell that the introduction of this absurd character will produce a mix of backlash and diverse speculations about the true political implications. In the nature of pleasing every major political party, we will start by informing Republicans that his name suggests he is against the cartel. Then, we will finish by informing the Democrats that he is a part of the cartel. There... now everyone thinks we're full of sh*t.... The first mission of the Erie Bureau of Investigation will be to eradicate all pizzas in the region. Greek sauce will be outlawed, as well as pepperoni balls. We figured that since the Venango Republic is trying to expand its audience, why not leave a bad impression? Myarmsweak is at large because she ate a twenty-four-slice. The CBI will be doing everything in their power to find and stop her from creating pizzas. Until then, it is recommended that everyone remain outdoors to make the Investigation that much more complicated.

You know them as the couple famous for her rich sugar-flavored cake people typically spit out. Donna Dogmat and Dennis Doormat have appeared on the cover of Hearse Magazine and were even featured on the fridge of Hearse Extended Family. Today, the duo has officially announced the opening of a new quality oxygen sales service that Doormat wants nothing to do with. With real air being pushed out of the picture, one of them believes this is the future of sustaining personal stupidity. “We're not likely to make any sales in the first lifetime,” states Mrs. Dogmat, who typically calculates an equal trade as her losing nothing while others give everything. “We managed to come away with the entire building when my husband sacrificed his T3.” With 11 parts of his spine left, Doormat believes he has a lot to offer. “I don't have a lot to offer,” states Doormat. “With no welcome mat at our front door, I am typically the one laying at the entrance. I can't tell you how many times I have been told to exit the building just to be walked all over.” The quality oxygen business established by Doormat and Dogmat will feature a full selection of oxygen flavors ranging from the only flavor quality oxygen has to nothing else, because quality oxygen only has one flavor. When asked what motivated the sudden purchase of a storefront in the least logical town, Doormat had this to say.... “My wife never gives me a voice.” Good old Doormat. Committed to the philosophy of “happy wife, happy life” as it comes at the cost of his self-worth. The store will open as soon as Dogmat decides. Guests will be greeted by Doormat, who is expected to lay flat at the front entrance while also working the register at the opposite end of the building.

It just makes sense to go with a less offensive concept like kids brutally killing each other for community entertainment. Sure, we didn't stop to think that the implication of City Hall being an outhouse might be taken literally by outsiders. But given Venango's long history of driving its population away, it makes sense that outsiders might think that our mayor does city business while doing his business. The author of the Venango Republic has spoken countless times about Oil City's positive attributes when he posts vlogs to his personal page. He notes the businesses that have opened, events that took place throughout 2025, and the effort the real mayor puts in to be present and serving at the city events. The Venango Republic is obviously a fictional universe with a mayor that does NOT exist. Somehow, that seems to be forgotten when people see us portraying City Hall in town square as an outhouse.... I guess it is relatable to something they have seen before???? No matter how transparent you are about your hope for a community to thrive and the appreciation for what is going on, it's just not possible to apply obvious absurdity to something people love without somebody suggesting you are an offense. Our holy town square that the President never visits Hey town square defense person. How does the outhouse compete with Family Guy cracking jokes about 9/11? Genuine question, outhouse hater.... If you want to take pride in your town, take pride in your town. This website hasn't ripped on 30 years of decline in several weeks because we're trying to expand beyond that cliché. We actually like the people here and appreciate the positivity existing in those who love the town, but who can also take a joke. Additionally, just like people in Oil City taking pride in their town, we take pride in our humor. All 14 fictional staff members making up our organization are not only good at creating absurdity. We know how to tell when something is worth taking offense at. For instance, this picture of a goat robbing a bank was worth taking a fence at.... It's not animal abuse when it's AI The initial comment that sparked this discussion was not necessarily from one taking offense. The first commenter asked why we had the Exchange (business occupying old bank building) in the background of the outhouse. Why do buildings exist behind murder crime scenes? What is the murderer saying about the business? We would like to emphasize that the focus of our fictional City Hall is the outhouse and not whatever lies in the background. This is evident by the fact that it is in the background and not the thing being talked about. Gees! Would you be happier if we just leveled the building and pretended the business didn't exist? How flattering for Oil City to have no infrastructure at all in our universe. Let’s just paint it as if we are a corn field. Would it be more suitable to pick a part of the street that puts a different business you love in the background? We can try that... Nope! Our author loves to do karaoke and doesn't want to ruin potential membership with the Elks.... Nope! While we could sarcastically say "screw these businesses" to make a finer point, we also recognize that there's a lawyer's office hiding in the center of those buildings. We're not going to get sued. No business. But it makes Oil City look like the ghetto. So..... Nah! Old bank building it is then. It's ok! The Exchange is covered by the outhouse. All you see is a promotion for the bank that isn't in business anymore. You know, the bank we can no longer afford. But hey, maybe you're right. Maybe we should ditch the outhouse and make a hunger games themed storyline. They did it for the America's and nobody took offense!

Some interpret it as a chairman. Others take it literally because it makes for good satire. Nonetheless, someone needs to be sat on in the next election cycle. Several candidates have stepped forward to make their case known. But only one chair is needed. We here at the Venango Republic want to make Erie's decision the easiest. Which is why we have gathered your most logical candidates. FOLDING CHAIR Folding Chair campaigns outside City Hall in Erie Folding Chair is your second to least comfortable option. He is metal, hard, and difficult to sit in for long periods. Nonetheless, each voter only needs a minute to decide. If someone forgot to do their homework and is reading the ballot for the first time, this chair is conveniently uncomfortable. If they still try to take advantage of the inclining back, you can pull it out from under them and beat them with ease. Just like a WWE actor! RECLINER Recliner campaigns against E. Coli Recliner is the worst option. People who sit in him will immediately fall asleep and never cast their vote. This option will destroy your economy because with lines being forced to wait, elections will be incomplete. With elections incomplete, nobody will be sworn in to serve. Do not vote for this candidate! KOALA BEARIS Bearis interviews about her decision to run as a chair After losing the 2025 Oil City Mayor Election to President Mayor Blunders of Venango County, Koala Bearis has decided to seek political positions outside of her region. Bearis currently lives in the palm trees outside of Oil City's northside, but is ready to pack up her bamboo if elected to the office of Erie's Chair. What makes Koala great is that her fur is extremely comfortable when sat on.... We just realized this can become politically incorrect if we continue... Do not vote for her! PASTIC VERTICAL CHAIR Plastic Vertical Chair speaks concerning his contribution to Alcoholics Anonymous Plastic Vertical Chair is your best choice for candidacy. Although it does not fold, it is perfect for keeping voters awake and uncomfortable during the elections. Every voter will be so uncomfortable, they may even accidentally vote for the wrong person. This can be great if they are idiots known for voting the worst candidates in. Of course, it may also backfire if the smart people accidentally vote for Kanye West. This is nog just for press releases This chair has been featured in several seminars where people otherwise would gradually fall asleep. Perfect for back pain and rear-end soreness, even Alcoholics Anonymous testimonials say they would "sooner quit drinking than be court ordered to sit on those again." Vote for this chair!

There were no defenses to oppose the enemy. The oldest member of the Venango County military stationed in Pleasantville was asleep and still doesn't know his town was under attack. That did not stop Warren from marching into town and running to the nearest exit on the other end. "I witnessed them take one look, and give that gagging expression one gives when they are trying not to vomit." States one resident who saw them give that gagging expression one gives when they are trying not to vomit. "I think they were trying not to puke." Bravery... The 6 military members making up the Warren County military split in two directions. Three are heading toward the industrial city of Hasson Heights by way of Route 227. The other three are making their way through Forest County by way of Route 36. It is believed they will continue onto Route 68 to the industrial city of Oil City. Warren’s projected battle Meanwhile, Elk County troops are still laying siege to Seneca and Cranberry. Their initial assault was thwarted by Venango's youngest military member, 9-year-old Timmy. Timmy has not showered in 7 weeks and has the strongest deterrent of any man on the battlefield. Experts believe Elk is weaponizing bathwater for their second assault. Elk preparing bathwater defenses The two members securing the northern border to Venango and East Crawford are still waiting for the enemy to make their move. East Crawford's capital of Titusville is a stronghold for the western Pennsylvania superpower. Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville has hinted at the possibility of another Venango County invasion, but will likely wait until the author writes an article specifically about it. Now, two enemies are in Venango territory. The Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization is struggling. Clarion and Jefferson are in the hands of Elk County and only West Crawford, Mercer, and Venango remain. These counties are the last defense against the absurdity of the Zugnar Alliance.

This poor pile had to celebrate its dump day alone after loads of controversy, amounting to less than the size of one of its bricks, hit social media. A Millcreek resident took to Facebook expressing concern over the hazard being left in the middle of a sidewalk. With minimal effort to secure the perimeter with snake pits, something had to be done. The comment section was filled with sarcasm, but The Venango Republic still takes the matter seriously. Idiots are a minority in America and deserve the same care as everyone smart enough to avoid solid obstructions. Of course, tending to this hill will likely take several generations since we are still trying to get international authorities to remove the tripping hazard known as Mount Everest. Unfortunately, this brick pile will have to wait for federal intervention. After a thorough Google search consisting of us typing in a question and hitting the enter key, we were able to determine that the amount of tripping hazards plaguing our world are out of control. How are we still a species? It is going to take humanity quite some time to smooth out the ground. Then, we will have to figure out what to do with the ocean since the loss of continents will put us almost two miles deep under water. Hopefully, solutions will come soon. The pile of rubble has already killed once. Fortunately, it was just a slug crossing the sidewalk prior to being crushed.

Safety has become a concern for workers across the Steel City and the surrounding regions of Allegheny County. According to sources, workers feel that the condition of their hard hats will not ensure safety in the event of a beam bulldozing workers in the face. The concern has been voiced for years, but owners of the major steel factories of Pittsburgh's fictional universe have dismissed the pleas for better safety protocols. Their argument remains that steel makes up the genetic nature of Allegheny County blood-born citizens, making modern protocols unnecessary to implement. The notion that residents of Allegheny County have steel-quality genetics in their bloodline is nothing unfamiliar to science. Last year, a study was conducted at Pittsburgh University where test subjects were asked to walk through a metal detector naked. No subject could successfully surpass the entry point without setting off the detection system. The findings were no surprise to researchers. For years, the offspring of Pittsburgh natives have believed that steel is a unique genetic trait. The city is so proud that they've made several attempts to rid their teams of names irrelevant to the region. Unfortunately, the Penguins, Pirates, and Panthers can't get rights to the name Steelers because the NFL team refuses to share the trademark. This has forced teams without the trademark to use names that have absolutely no relation to the city or its history. With iron in the blood being an understatement, steelworkers still argue that safety is at risk when a heavy steel beam is flying at your face under a swinging pendulum. Advocates have argued that the effect is similar to if a normal human being were to be hit by another human swinging from a pendulum. The petition has made it to the desk of Mayor Steelhead for the fifteenth time in the last three years. Experts believe it is unlikely to go anywhere since Mayor Steelhead is incredibly overworked with other political issues that take similar priority. We are pretty sure those wrappers were from the last five minutes.

We have just been informed by the Erie Eardrum that Erie’s Elections Chair has been voted out of his position. According to unreliable sources, residents of the city found him too uncomfortable to sit on when trying to place their vote. “I don’t know why we restrict ourselves to one chair,” states Mabel Mouthwash of Erie. “I’m also confused as to why we chose to sit on some random man we elected instead of a normal chair.” The practice has been one of Erie’s weirdest protocols for voting during primary and midterm elections. Every resident must line up, sit on this weird guy’s lap, and cast a vote for whoever they want in office. Depending on how comfortable he is, they may also elect to sit on him during the next term as well. “I think voting him out was the right choice,” says Gerald Gumdispensor. “This chair can’t even give a massage. I’m content with going back to the metal folding ones.” Outsiders are incredibly confused as to how Erie wound up with a human being acting as their Election Chair. It even seems as if nobody in Erie knows either. Regardless, the chair is out, and now they have nothing to sit on until the next election cycle. By then, hopefully Erie will be voting on having real chairs serve as the sitting place for voters. There is a wide selection of candidates waiting.... For more information on whatever the heck this article was, click here.

The Venango States of America has seen their first engagement after weeks of the enemy’s absence. Fortunately, it came just outside of the county capital of Oil City, with Venango’s youngest military member meeting the enemy head-on. Little 9-year-old Timmy has finally returned from his mission to liberate West Forest County. The seven-week journey through Allegheny National Forest has ended with Timmy finding his way back because nobody could afford the drive. What a time to return as well. Elk forces were coming down Seneca Hill just as Timmy came to the intersection on Rt. 68. He didn’t even have to fire one spitball because his bad hygiene from seven weeks without showering was enough to deter them. President Mayor Blunders climbed from the lower levels of City Hall, where he typically goes during a county crisis. Since both of them reeked, neither of them could smell each other. Blunders was able to perform another Medal of Honor ceremony for Timmy, who seems to have a knack for driving enemy forces away. 9 year old Timmy gets second medal of honor this year Blunders has instructed Timmy not to shower for the remainder of the war. Timmy’s parents, who are serving a prison sentence due to the Forest County mission resulting in seven weeks of tardiness from school, will be set free next week. Blunders has further instructed Timmy to remain tardy so his mother remains imprisoned. She can’t make him shower if she’s still in the slammer.

It took Allegheny County decades to find the west side of their largest city. Generations passed, and people wondered if they would ever see those they used to visit before it all disappeared. That is, until Mayor Steelhead discovered West Pittsburgh on a map while sitting at his table for breakfast. Mayor Steelhead is adamant about staying informed on daily developments in western Pennsylvania geography. If there is any change on the map, he notices due to his interest in reading it every morning. That's what made it so easy to pinpoint West Pittsburgh in Lawrence County. Despite the obvious terminology used to describe Allegheny County’s alleged stolen property, Lawrence County states that they are refusing to return what Pittsburgh claims is rightfully theirs. According to Lawrence County officials, Allegheny is delusional and hasn’t stopped to consider that maybe their West Pittsburgh could have accidentally been swallowed by a sinkhole when they weren’t looking. Steelhead adresses the press outside of City Hall In a press briefing today, Steelhead responded to the sinkhole theory, stating that the "ancestors who forged the city were too smart to allow a sinkhole to have such power over their infrastructure." The media clapped for Steelhead’s eloquent speech as he proudly exited right and tripped off the stage. King Lawrence addresses press outside of abandoned post office In response to Mayor Steelhead's allegations, King Lawrence of Newcastle, president and official monarch of Lawrence County, informed the press that he is put off by the level of respect Lawrence County has shown to Allegheny. According to King Lawrence, naming a nearby town after western Pennsylvania's beloved city was an "expression of appreciation for the easy overtaking of their west end." When asked why he chose to specifically call it West Pittsburgh instead of Mini Pittsburgh, King Lawrence pretended to trip and fall off the stage. Political coercion has not factored into the conflict between Allegheny and Lawrence County. Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh and King Lawrence of New Castle have both kept matters to a duel of verbal accusations. The most recent allegation is that the word Allegheny is so named due to its leaders’ inability to withhold crazy allegations. If matters escalate, political sanctions will likely be the next step for both Southwestern Pennsylvania superpowers. Lawrence will arguably block off all waterways feeding into the Allegheny River. In return, Pittsburgh will likely prohibit the selling of any Pittsburgh Pirates tickets in the Lawrence County region. With football and hockey season being over, they don't really have much to work with.

A report by the Beaver County Times states that the Steelers’ third-round draft pick is apparently a two-year hay-bale tossing champion. Gennings Dunker, who looks like he was birthed 50 years ago and came here in a time portal, competed in hay-bale tossing competitions for two consecutive years while attending the University of Iowa. We would tell you more, but the article requires a subscription after two paragraphs. We aren’t willing to pay. What we are willing to do is discuss the advantages of having a man with skills in tossing bunched-up hay at other people. The Steelers have never utilized this kind of strategy before. Given that they have always been a defensive team, attacking opposing teams with heavy objects was never really their style. Gennings Dunker before college rules changed This year changes everything now that they have hired Mike McCarthy as their head coach. McCarthy, who has an offensive mindset, will likely bring things to the game the Steeler Nation has never seen. We cannot begin to imagine what this might consist of. Will McCarthy have his players wear literal steel pads? Will he require everyone to wear cleats with spikes at least nine inches long? The possibilities are endless! However, the hay-bale toss recruitment gives us a subtle idea of what McCarthy plans to do to ensure Pittsburgh gets another Super Bowl. Dunker may not have a traditional offensive attack. But if he can throw the hay-bale accurate enough, perhaps teams will think twice about sacking the quarterback. Ben Roethlisberger likes to emphasize that a quarterback is only as good as his line. As a rookie, Dunker will be carrying a lot on his shoulders other than a hay-bale. Regardless, knocking opposing players out cold with 75 lbs of hay is invaluable to say the least.

It's an ongoing debate year after year. In a small corner outside of Erie's largest hub, Millcreek supervisors have traditionally gathered before a town of disgruntled homeowners. Even before residents knew their political authorities do nothing productive, officials have been diligent in acting concerned where a century old problem never finds a solution. Each resident waits in anticipation for someone with the will to put in a drain. Unfortunately, years of meetings to discuss "upcoming projects" now have the residents themselves drained. Whoever shows up to the meetings only does it to say they belong to the town. The scientific principle of water moving downward is not exactly Einstein curriculum. Nonetheless, no one with political standing in Millcreek seems to understand that puddles decrease in size when they have somewhere to flow. We fact-checked this earlier by pouring water down our kitchen sink. You can blame our intern, Bigfoot, for getting them in the wrong order. How long has this discussion been going on between township supervisors and the people electing them to do a job? We found an article going as far back as 2013. In this case, the township graciously tried to take ownership of someone's property to install drainage. That's so much more productive than just requiring an installation on the condition that the owner retain his land. Oh! And it cost the taxpayers $3.4 million in township money after they successfully got sued. This is probably why the townships relationship with locals is a bit shaky. How does this compare to the ancestors who more than a hundred years ago addressed the problem proactively? According to Mr. Historical Documentation, chief of staff at the Document History Organization on Planet Earth, the Millcreek authorities of the 1920s installed a giant pipe more than two miles long, measuring roughly 22 feet wide and 18 feet tall. For those who can't do math, that's large enough for a pickup truck to drive through. You're probably safe to try, since the water prefers the Millcreek residents' basements anyway. Count your blessings. Food that hasn’t hit the water is still edible. Despite the fact that Millcreek's ancestors accomplished a two-mile-long drainage system, the modern supervisors don't seem concerned that they are a disappointment to their forefathers. Considering their ancestors are dead, there's not really a reason to live up to the former generational achievements. It's called Millcreek Township, not Township Next to Millcreek. The locals need to be washed out to live up to the name. Here’s the biggest irony; A neighboring city managed to secure millions of dollars for urban development. We've already ripped into their affordable house project, a project to create 250 homes that won't be affordable in 5 years. The fact they secured 4 million for the city of Erie raises the question why Millcreek cannot do something similar. Millcreek cannot seem to secure enough funding to route the unwanted water away from non-preferred areas. Does anybody in Millcreek know how to write a grant? Do you understand that Millcreek does not mean that your entire township has to be a creek? You can live on land if you want. Humans technically weren't meant to sleep underwater. Test it! You'll see why! A report last year on GoErie states that Millcreek has a yearly budget of $34 million, which is much more than we thought you people of Millcreek were worth as a whole... The more you know.... The report also mentions that a tax increase was being implemented to help fund fire safety services. This isn't to suggest fire services need an increase in funding. The Millcreek firefighters could technically just remove their helmets and scoop the water from residents' yards. There's a bright side to having a yard that looks like a Cambodia village! Another choice of spending was a brand-new community building where people can come together and vent about how much they hate their political leaders. The Shrine Club, formerly known as the Shrine Club, is now under the proud ownership of Millcreek Township for the cheap price of $3.6 million. It's a 15-year loan and is exactly $3.6 million more than what was requested to help resolve the flooding issues. Given that we found an article dating back to 2013 involving the motive of taking private property away from its owner to install a pipe, it's safe to state that city officials' gathering with updates on upcoming projects are probably just to gaslight you dumb residents. A gathering slightly more than a year ago was covered by YourErie and written in such a way as to suggest that the officials saw this as a major priority. Additionally, the Shrine Club is also mentioned as if it's susceptibility to flooding is a concern for the town, who probably see it's potential destruction as the perfect middle finger to their supervisors. The same news organization wrote an article a half year later in which a woman frustratingly expressed 30 years of her yards garden being washed out. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 32 years.... WHY THE HELL DID YOU STAY! Joyce, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.... That's not true.... The dictionary actually defines it differently... But Alcoholics Anonymous would still likely suggest that it is. Furthermore, you have a non-drunken problem. You need to get help! There has to be a Gardenholics Anonymous somewhere! By the way, the city is cited in that same article as trying to blame you dumb residents for not calling your dispatch. "911, what is your emergency?" "My yard is flooded... Not the house or driveway.... We can still go places..." It's not like a township consisting of 53,000 residents could have a handful of locals who have tried this before. You idiots keep complaining to the township supervisors elected to supervise your town. You should have been calling a lower tier dispatch who has less influence than your politicians... Morons! The residents of Harper Drive clearly explain that the creek, a work of Mother Nature unconnected to man-made water passageways, tends to flood exponentially every time it rains. The township's defense????? Did anyone smell poop when it rained? Nobody said anything about the sewage. We said that a natural waterway called a creek overflows into residents' yards. It probably has consistently done this since before your sewage plant was created. I know years of gaslighting the public at township meetings probably makes you a lousy listener. But can you at least try to sound on topic when talking to a reporter? Yes, we want to believe that city supervisors care for their local community. It's just a little hard when 30 years of Joyce's petunias being murdered by Mother Nature doesn't seem to get the message across. This is America. We figured out how to elevate water above miles of mountain ranges in order to create what is now known as the Panama Canal. If modern ingenuity can figure out how to create floods, it's hard not to wonder why, in 2026, we don't know how to prevent them. This is coming from a scientific genius who understands the principle that water flows downward. Oh! And as for your spending, we would love for you to stop pretending the town is overjoyed about a community center that could have been purchased in a cheaper building. Even the media doesn't seem to get it. Halfway down the last article about residents yards being destroyed, we crossed over this hyperlink... If I cussed, this would get the fattest "F" word ever to hit the internet! Unfortunately for the residents of Millcreek, my homeschool brain won't let me....