Jammal Fart, Cranberry's only mall cop, has come forward to confess his role in the loud boom. This came one week after the incident which shook Franklin, and almost collapsed Oil City's Northside properties. The Derrick reported the incident as an unresolved investigation last Saturday. As of today, Fart has turned himself into the police revealing that he was the one who caused the loud boom. Jammal Fart coming clean Before we continue, we can explain the unusual change in Jammal's appearance..... No we can't.... Just read our last article and you'll figure it out yourself... Fart states that he was on patrol, dragging his Segway (dolly) through the mall. While stopping at China Wok for lunch, a business that has been closed for several years, Fart experienced what he described as a "real life enactment of his family pride." Jammal Fart purchasing multi-year old food It was in this moment that Fart observed the entire establishment shake beneath his feet in what only could be described as a "loud boom." The echo then teleported to Oil City, surpassing Seneca and Cranberry. The matter was an embarrassment to Fart given that he hasn't blown one this extreme for several weeks. Nonetheless, Fart knew it would dishonor the family legacy to allow someone else to take credit for his work. Fart is now considered a legend in his bloodline.

The industrial city of Millcreek is on high alert after a vague Facebook post has warned of a child riding a motor bike. According to the information, the child is "not a safe driver let alone a legal one." Given the vague context and multiple ways that sentence can be interpreted, we have no choice but to assume worst case scenario and report that the child is a menace. Fictional experts are warning residents to stay off the road even if they drive a heavier vehicle. Young Evel Knievel is too dangerous to be around and may be capable of bulldozing an entire house. If anyone sees or hears the rider passing by, please contact Jenny immediately at 8675309. Or, if you are from illiterate land, pkease call Jenny at 8675309. Text from original post Remember, this child is not legal, meaning he may be deported to Canada if the feds can get him off his bike. They just need to figure out how to match 14 MPH.

A campaign has begun to overthrow the Elk Empire through massive operations never before seen. As Venango County troops march toward Franklin heavily armed with spitballs and muffin hand grenades, Jefferson County's military is taking combat beneath the Earth. An elite force known as Tunnel Hogs have been working tirelessly in a top secret campaign to cave in the entirety of Cranberry. This came after Elk County successfully reduced Venango to the size of Oil City. With Mayor Phil of Punxsutawney trapped in the borders of Oil City along with the mayor of Clarion, difficult decisions are now being made to liberate the recently lost territories. Former Western Pennsylvania on the left, current on the right. At around 7:22 PM Thursday, Mayor Phil gave an executive order for his military generals to collapse a series of tunnels they created beneath Cranberry. The cave in was intended swallow all remaining Elk, who up to this point, have stampeded all carrot wielding Jefferson troops. Unfortunately, the campaign was not a success. Although the warfare method managed to rid Venango of its greatest eyesore, the two Elk military members stationed in Cranberry were across the street at Walmart looking for a positive atmosphere. They feel much happier now Meanwhile, Cranberry now has an underground mall for a unique shopping experience. Vendors are welcome to contact mall executives to rent their space in the new pedestrian network, featuring extra dark store space, and a theater that is probably full of water damage. The war is not over, but the Mall is finally a myth in the Fictional Universe. Reserve your space now and sell to absolutely nobody.

A new controversy has risen, putting the treaty between Washington and Allegheny County at risk. President Mayor George Washington of Washington, capital of Washington County, is being accused by Mayor Steelhead of stealing Mount Washington. On the south side of Pittsburgh, the mountain has officially gone missing. Mayor Steelhead on the left, Mayor George Washington on the right. The sudden absence of the mountain was noticed this morning when residents noted it was not there. Several individuals tried calling loved ones residing on the mountain but were unable to make connection since uprooting the mountain disconnected the electricity running through it. Today, Mayor George Washington of Washington, capital of Washington County, accused Mayor Steelhead of intentionally moving Mount Washington as a political ploy to accuse Washington County of theft. Steelhead denied the allegations. Tensions have been rising over the last two months, with Allegheny refusing to surrender Mount Washington to Washington County. As a result, Washington County has slowly turned the cannons of Cannonsburgh closer and closer to Pittsburgh. Once pointed at Pittsburgh, there is no telling what Washington County will do. Downtown Cannonsburgh in Washington County With the mountain now unaccounted for, Mayor Steelhead says he is ready to deploy military forces if George Washington does not return the alleged property. Meanwhile, George Washington of Washington, capital of Washington County, states that if Steelhead does not hand over the alleged property, the cannons of Cannonsburgh will fire.

With the recent success of overthrowing the nation of Indiana County, the Elk military have finalized their campaign in branding Western Pennsylvania with the image of their species on the west side of the state. According to information provided by the Allegheny Allergen, the Elk Empire has split Westmoreland County right down the center, dividing it into what will now be known as Westlessland and Eastlessland. Both regions are to be governed under the authority of Mayor Bighorn, but will not be acknowledged as the Elk Empire since Bighorn specifically wants an elk-shaped image to outline his prize. Meanwhile, on the eastern side of the Western Pennsylvania Universe, Cambria and Blair have both succumbed to the onslaught of the Elk military. Neither Westmoreland, Cambria, nor Blair County had a military prior to the Elk takeover. Now, they have a military consisting of elk ruling over them. In Pittsburgh, capital of Allegheny County, Mayor Steelhead informed the media that he intends to prepare his defenses in case of an elk assault. Mayor Bighorn has never had any quarrel with Allegheny. Nonetheless, experts speculate intentions to rule over all of Western Pennsylvania. Allegheny, which currently is facing their own conflicts with Lawrence and Washington County, are now asking if there is a need for defense on all sides of their independent nation. The future is unclear at this time. But it seems that for the first time, all of Western Pennsylvania may be at risk of being under a worldwide empire. Should the Elk military be ordered, they may even try to overtake the opposite side of this planet which is the nation of Uganda. Planet Earth as we know it We know. The shape difference doesn't make any sense. What's even weirder is that this concept is considered round in our universe. In other words, the flat earthers in your reality would be wrong here too. Political negotiations are on the table as we speak. Nonetheless, Steelhead seems to want to avoid any engagement beyond making his point that Allegheny is not to be invaded. Should the elk violate borders, Steelhead says he has recruited an accompaniment of taxidermists just in case.

Trust and goodness are not the same thing. But for some reason, when you propose the idea of doing good to someone who least deserves it, the words traveling to a listener's ear magically evolve to form the phrase "be dumb and risk having them around your child." I don't know why people hear more words than what are initially stated. It's like we anticipate additional meaning to what is actually implied and feel emboldened to crush potential arguments before they are presented. Consequently, objectivity goes out the window because we want our subjective minds to be right by belief instead of fact. Kind of like a person who is so afraid of being wrong, they hit the laugh emoji on every comment that disagrees with them. Rising contributor thinks laughter isn't a sign of insecurity Anyone can laugh. During a discussion last night, I tried laughing at my phone to see if it would make a difference. Unsurprisingly, the person on the other end didn't change their opinion. The goal to objective discussion is to understand the truth. Not to compete so we feel a sense of superior knowledge. That's why, when we cover the less than comfortable subject of Megan's Law, it's almost impossible to have an objective discussion without running into someone who thinks they know everything. Years ago, a man was acquitted of all child molester charges that were pending for an extended period of time. This means, he was NOT guilty. Nonetheless, an officer took it upon himself to slander the acquitted YouTuber when he walked into a business and spread false accusations of molestation. If you think that doesn't happen here in Western Pennsylvania, think again. I know a man who slept with a fourteen year old when he was.... get this.... fourteen..... Ten years later and people around Clarion are still calling him a pedophile even though HE WAS A TEEN AT THE TIME! People don't like to use their brains logically. They just like to feel superior even when it comes at the expense of someone else having misinformation spread about them. For those of us with the humility to use our brains objectively, that is infuriating. We realize we have to live in a world full of people just as dumb and entitled as the Megans Law offenders. While one preys on kids, the others prey on someone's reputation. Now, before we come to the motivation behind this article, I do anticipate some subjective thinker accusing me of defending Megan's Law offenders because they don't know how to read what is actually written. So let me preface the following with this statement: Assaulting children is a terrible thing and automatically destroys trust. This heartfelt statement brought to you by a guy who just wants to make a point and move on with his life. Not good enough? Fine! When you scar a child, you are guilty of extorting their innocence for your lowlife filth. Now you know that if anyone accuses me of defending offenders, they didn't read the article. With that said, you might be surprised to know that not everyone on Megan's Law is a sex offender. You can wind up on it for kidnapping or luring a kid into your vehicle even if you are not necessarily intending to do something sexual with them. It's amazing what facts you learn when you study terms beyond your first assumption. Additionally, pedophilia by definition does not apply to everyone who rapes a child. This next statement might not sit well with people. But those are my favorite kinds of facts. Pedophilia is the mental condition of being attracted to children specifically, whereas one time offenses are sometimes explained as involving someone lacking conviction while craving sexual intimacy so much, they go for the first vulnerable target. That's not necessarily a pedophile. Just a prick with terrible self control. All that to say, people still assume the worst because they don't take time to learn definitions. When you explain this, they wind up acting like pricks and accuse you of nonsensical things. What if the druggie robbing my house endangers my kid? Do you know what is more suspicious? Calling somebody a pedo when the last crime they committed was 25 years ago. Litterally, the dude she is labeling without medical credentials has not committed such an offense in that time. That's like calling someone a alcoholic when they haven't had a drink.... IN 25 YEARS! I don't know what makes you think you're so smart in accusing someone like me of a terrible crime like pedophilia. I do know that I have a better explanation for my actions than your uneducated statement. Maybe I just understand that encouraging people to do better is more productive than telling them they can't do better. Do you want them to change? Or are you content with them raping kids? The women I discussed this matter with did not use objectivity. One of them blocked me while the other kept reacting to my comments with a laugh emoji. As you can see, one of them even accused me of some ridiculous assertion because they don't want to admit they have not studied the term. As someone who has worked professionally with people in the human service field, holds a degree that focuses on addiction counseling, and is working on a degree in mental health counseling, I can say for sure that labels do not tell you the entire story. That doesn't mean we should trust people. At the same time, that doesn't mean we have to be pricks to them just so we feel good about ourselves. The two women in the comments of a post about a Megan's Law offender jumped to the conclusion that he is a pedophile just because he was convicted of indecent assault. A simple search will show you that a violation of indecent assault does NOT make somebody a pedophile. Maybe he is, and maybe he is not. What we do know is that we don't know. Meanwhile, asserting such a claim makes you a prick guilty of defamation if it turns out you are wrong. To make matters worse, we have to share space with you knowing you could potentially defame us with your lack of self control. You should probably get that checked out for the good of humanity. The woman in the comments was so desperate to be right, she not only accused me, a professional with countless trainings and his clearances, of being an offender, but also shared a screenshot defining indecent assault without the disclaimer that it does NOT make someone a pedophile. Agreed, this description of unwanted penetration does seem to be very indecent.... If only people would perform their assaults with decency! If your takeaway from this article is that we need to trust offenders, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO READ! What you should take away is that society gives us no choice but to live among them. While you cannot guarantee someone will change, you will do more to help them by reminding them that goodness is a choice they have ALWAYS had the power to make. As good as it may make you feel to slander their name, it does nothing to help them stop raping children. You do want them to stop raping children right????? Step into reality miss lava lamp. This is Western Pennsylvania. We don't have vulcanos. You would much do better helping someone by reminding them that, while trust is broken, they have the power to do what is right. Humility is a choice we can make at any moment. If I wished you into a volcano for slandering me with an uneducated accusation, I would be doing nothing to help you change. Instead, I wrote an article about you. Hopefully that helps.

The ice boom responsible for the river flooding all across Western Pennsylvania has been set free from prison after a technicality on his existential being. According to sources, the ice boom known as Bob is not living, suggesting that he cannot serve a life sentence as ordered by the Honourable Judge Beagle last Friday. Consequently, Bob is allowed to get off scot-free due to the legal system not accounting for lifeless objects such as himself. The accused was originally arrested in February after it was discovered that he had abandoned his post north of Oil City in the Allegheny River. Bob is an ice boom, meaning that his primary purpose of existence is to prevent ice from flowing down the Allegheny River, where it could potentially build up and cause flooding in vulnerable places. Bobs life purpose Days after the ice breakage that impacted all of Western Pennsylvania, Bob was discovered on an embankment at the edge of Route 8 where he was sleeping lifelessly. Authorities took Bob into custody, where he has waited several months for the hearing that took place last Friday. Bob caught resting on the embankment of the Allegheny Bob spent the entire weekend in the Venango States federal prison before the warden noted that he is not a living object. Consequently, his life sentence could not even begin. He was set free immediately. Ad “I was very fortunate, given the risk that I took,” Bob expressed to the media in a non-verbal manner. “I knew that by floating away, I could face major consequences. Fortunately for me, it paid off and I can now fulfill my dream of being a couch cushion.” The Honourable Judge Beagle hoped to observe the evidence from both opposing sides, but found himself unable to respect the defense when Attorney Jake Horking Kake showed up as an Oscar Mayer Wieners promotion. Bob before an Oil City jury Judge Beagle had no alternative but to give a verdict. Unfortunately, he chose a life sentence instead of an eternal one. With the choice of words pertaining to non-inanimate forms, Bob is now free to float.

President Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America issued an executive order early Monday morning to recapture lost land now under control of the Elk Empire. In a press briefing, Blunders stated that the operation was top secret, but that it would consist of one soldier attempting to regain a portion of Route 8 roughly an hour from the time of his speech. When word came to Blunders that the plan had been compromised and that Elk military were on their way to protect Route 8 on both sides of Oil City, Blunders ordered Oliver Hardy of the Venango States military to retake Cranberry, Pennsylvania. This operation proved very effective for approximately three minutes before Hardy was driven back by another branch of the Elk military. For a temporary period, Venango County could say that it regained a portion of its former territory. Oil City residents celebrated the crowning achievement, noting that the heroism of Oliver Hardy was one never before seen in Venango States history. Mayor Blunders will be awarding Oliver Hardy the Congressional Medal of Honor, which technically is just a 10% coupon to McDonald’s. As for the teritory we recently lost again, Blunders intends to keep taking it back every time Elk troops withdraw. Venango will celebrate every time it is our again.

Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh announced to the press today that Lawrence County has been struck by a steel beam. This came after an executive order for the Allegheny military to perform operations of retaliation. Last week, Lawrence County struck the heart of Allegheny’s capital with a firework launched tens of miles away. Now, New Castle, capital of Lawrence County, is finding itself on the receiving end of such an attack. “We have shown them the might of our culture,” Steelhead told the press just prior to being sucked off the stage by an industrial lifting magnet. It is taking rescue workers several hours to get Steelhead down due to each worker getting stuck to the magnet themselves. Meanwhile, in New Castle, Sir Lawrence announced his intent to send knights down to Pittsburgh if Steelhead does not pay for the new pothole his military created. Steelhead has not responded because he is still stuck on the magnet. We will follow up once experts can figure out how to get him down.

A fictional news anchor is being praised by us for an unexpected act of heroism. After observing hostile interactions between two boats, an analyst intervened, saving what could have been countless lives. We say “could have been” because Scallywags technically did not have to limit their visitation to 20 visitors. The event took place around 1:30 p.m., Sunday afternoon, just off the pier of the Bicentennial Tower. The Scallywags tour vessel was unexpectedly attacked by a miniature Viper, whose operator evidently had hostile intentions. Deadweight, the news anchor for the Venango Republic, was out on a stroll when he noticed the suspicious Viper lurking in the waters. The ship’s operator began moving closer and closer to Scallywags’ vessel, suggesting to Deadweight that an act of heroism could be required at any moment. Deadweight if the fictional universe were reality That’s when it happened. The Viper came within feet of the larger-sized Scallywags and opened fire. Scallywags defended itself to the best of its ability, but found that the tiny vessel stayed just out of reach of their inferior cannons. Deadweight observed this horrendous attack and could not take it any longer. He inflated his life vest, took a deep breath, and dove into the water. We’re still trying to figure out where his anchor landed. Deadweight falls the wrong direction for comical relief. Vest is metal to keep him in natural habitat. Meanwhile, the Scallywags superior vessel found a means of escape when the miniature Viper ran out of ammo. The Venango Republic really wants Deadweight to receive credit for this act of heroism, so we’re going to report that the miniature vessel got scared when he dove into the water. This report is backed by Deadweight himself who still is stuck in the water. “Glug glug, glug glug,” states Deadweight, who called us on his waterproof phone. “Glug glug, glug glug.” Deadweight's Live 24-hour news cycle has been replaced by footage of earlier reports. Because there’s no difference between them, we’ve left the LIVE notification at the top left corner of the screen. As for the Scallywags vessel, they probably don’t owe us any gratitude, given that they’re likely attacked by that miniature Viper on a regular basis. Nonetheless, the Venango Republic is going to act as if their allegiance is now to the Venango Republic. We have assumed full authority over their vessel and demand that they aim their cannons at the Canadian geese who keep stealing the tourists’ food.

On a cold Friday morning, Indiana County soldiers anxiously await an unavoidable conflict promised to strike their northern border. As privates sit and sip their coffee, an unexpected barrage of Nerf darts fire upon their strongholds. Indiana soldiers prior to nerf attacks Indiana County has not seen war ever since 1887, when Jefferson County broke free from the Christmas tree capital of the world, establishing the Groundhog Day Accord. After Jefferson County liberated themselves from an eternal winter, Indiana County has kept their borders clear of any invaders through diplomatic agreements to ensure as much peace as possible. Now, it seems that nothing will prevent that. The first shots rained on their industrial city of Northpoint at approximately 5:57 this morning. Immediately, one of their troops was struck in the head with a Nerf dart and fell to the ground unconscious. Soldiers returned fire, throwing as many Christmas tree ornaments as they could. They were unsuccessful in preventing the enemy from progressing forward at a consistent pace. By 6:09, elk troops were within 20 feet of the fortified city, forcing Indiana County troops to resort to ancient Grecian tactics. Utilizing Trojan technology was the means by which they hoped to prevent the elk from finding an entry point. The resources gathered from their party college town of Indiana, capital of Indiana County, were unsuccessful in keeping the elk from breaking through. As we currently speak, Indiana County forces are in retreat, being forced back to their capital of Indiana. Sources say that at least four have been struck by Nerf darts. Only one is still living. The others got hit by a car. Indiana forces retreat Mayor Treeface of Indiana, capital of Indiana, is ordering all residents to be prepared to take up arms. Since artificial Christmas trees are known to lose their branches easily, locals will need to be ready to replace them with new ones. The elk have already begun to extend the neck of the empire branding. If the Christmas tree capital of the world falls, then Elk County will be able to claim Christmas as an elk holiday, void of any white European traditions. Additionally, Western Pennsylvania will become corrupted with a mixture of Indiana party-spirited pride and year-long elk mating season tendencies. It will become like a Western Pennsylvania elk Las Vegas, overrun by Mayor Bighorn's species. We need to move on before this becomes anything but family-friendly.

Cranberry's only mall cop states that he may consider retirement after last week's humiliating altercation with a squirrel. During an interview with The Venango Republic's official stone mason, George Washington, Jamal Fart stated that he is growing tired of the crime world after 40 years of service. "The younger generation just doesn't know how to respect law enforcement anymore," Fart told Washington, just before blowing another one. "I try to get through to these kids that abiding lawfully is the only way to live in harmony. Unfortunately, the school banned me when I drew my taser on the bully." Fart doesn't own a taser. He just happened to blow up the entire school during his visit that day. The aftermath of Farts school day. Picture taken five miles away Washington managed to escape the interview in good health. Given that his face is made of granite, he was unable to smell anything. Further investigations show no correlation between Fart and the Cranberry mall vacancies. As for Fart's potential retirement, he says it depends on if he can catch the squirrel in a reasonable time. George Washington interviews a constipated Fart, which AI made caucasian this time.... He was Hispanic last week... "If I am unable to catch the squirrel in the next two weeks, I may consider stepping down," Fart told Washington. "It's a difficult decision knowing that the next generation of mall cops won't have my experience." There likely won't be a next generation of mall cops. Nonetheless, we let him live in his delusion. Fart was saddened by the reality this could be it for his career. After a 45 minute interview of useless conversation about his boring tenure, Fart got on his dolly, put it in drive, and rode off straight into the floor. What the heck?!?!?! The Venango Republic would like to apologize for our AI generators poor timing on ethnic alterations. We want to emphasize that the black Fart was never meant to hit the floor. Only the white one. This racially insensitive content will not be tolerated and those responsible will be punished severely. We will now move on to other news as we resolve the former matters. Here is our Weatherman, Indiana Jones....