The Venango Republic is generously being offered suits worn by law men simply because we accidentally got our facts wrong. A former staff member from the Infusion Bar and Grille reached out to us stating that they will be pursuing a lawsuit to give us if we don't change our article .... All joking aside, this woman had every right to be direct with us. The misinformation we gave was actually NOT good! Apparently, we may have accidentally said that the guy making the racist comments at Lumis was also the manager at Infusion even though they are two different people. We here at the Venango Republic are not out to defame anyone. If some dude ran his mouth and defamed himself, our troll is our freedom of speech. However, misleading the public to believe that the manager of Infusion made the racist comments is inexcusable. The Venango Republic has taken necessary action to ensure this does not happen again. Our lead journalist, Jeremy Jetfuel, who made this error, has been taken to our corrections room where he has been chained to a post and given 50 lashes. He has also been instructed to go out to a nearby field where he will be forced to pick wool without pay. We would have made it cotton.... but we don't want to wind up like the doofis from Loomis.... Also, we were talking about eye lashes you freaking racists! Jeremy Jetfuel picking wool in a field The woman from infusion was justifiably upset with our news organization. With the billions of dollars we make off of Venango County peasants, there is no excuse for making people believe it was the infusion manager. Not to mention, we don't actually make any money and can't afford a lawsuit. We aren't going to give this girl too much of a hard time. I mean literally, two bars went out of business overnight with employees inclusive of herself now out of work. Not to mention, those coworkers were likely close and experiencing the same issues constantly. She has every right to be direct and put off by the misinformation. She knows the manager of Infusion personally, so we will take all the blame for that gaffe and we even thanked her for bringing it to our attention. With this said, we here at the Venango Republic highly encourage the community to support those who walked out and lost their jobs. These people are bold and deserve praise for what they did. If you are an employer who can give these people a job, please consider doing so. Also, although the Infusion manager is not responsible for the racist comments that were made, we here at the Venango Republic still ask that they please try their best to get a hold of those boneless chicken wings. We know they are still in the Infusion freezer. Losing the bar means losing those chicken wings and we want those back!

The Venango Republic has long admired Explore Clarions ability to report matters before verifying what's true. False information is what we specialize in but for some reason we still fall second to Explore Clarion in this category. Consequently, our founder and CEO Blobbert Blobfish has proposed an offer that exceeds more than twice Explore Clarion's value. It may seem a bit steep to offer absolutely nothing to Explore Clarion. The organization was assessed in the negatives meaning that they technically should be paying us to take their garbage away. However, we want to become the number one source of misinformation. Explore Clarion is the only barrier keeping us from achieving this and if we can afford to pay nothing, we are willing to make that kind of contribution knowing that it exceeds their networth. A proposal has been sent to Explore Clarion. We recognize that these things take time, but we are confident that we can finalize the deal before they edit another article out of existence. Their 49 thousand followers would be perfect for us as we have been trying to attract a demographic that thinks passive aggressive headlines equate to reliable news. The Venango Republic has grown exponentially by achieving an audience twice the size of Venango County. Our 20 subscribers are loyal members. However, we would love to have an even bigger audience who loves drama, hates facts, and who thinks that a guy named Kevin pumping gas is trustworthy for information. Not to mention, we would love to learn how Explore Clarion manages to publicize rumors before the guy starting them finishes his coffee. We understand writing hearsay news is hard when your only qualification is owning a keyboard. This peaks our curiosity as to how a group of people with no honest credentials convinces people to trust their lack of skill in real journalism. There is no doubt, we have a lot to learn and buying out Explore Clarion would be advantageous in learning the secrets of exaggerating our appeal. Explore Clarion is great at trying to make their website look like a major news network despite copying and pasting chunks of information from Spotlight PA and calling it an article. We will however stick with the appeal of our staff photos which, unlike Explore Clarion, do not consist of staff members taking selfies in their backyard.

In a recent study conducted by professors at Venango Campus, it was discovered that touching a hot stove could cause severe burns depending on the level of temperature. According to sources, 10 subjects, who were unaware they would be touching hot objects were coaxed into placing their hands on metal objects after being assured nothing bad will happen. The results proved to have a negative impact on the professors relationships with their wives. The least heated metals were less likely to cause a burn. Nonetheless, the subjects exposed to the lower temperatures were later thrown into boiling water to make things fair. As for those exposed to slightly higher temperatures, they reported feeling mild iritation. They too were thrown into boiling water. Those exposed to metals just below melting point reported anger for not being informed the metal was hot. The professors scolded these subjects for being colored blind and not seeing the metal was red. When the subjects argued that they were not colored blind, the professors stated that they at least then should have requested to have thier blindfolds removed before touching the burners. Those exposed to molten metal lost their fingers. Unfortunately, the professors were not able to collect any data because these subjects went into immediate shock and were admitted to the ICUP Medical Center in Seneca. Prior to taking them to the hospital, the professors were sure to check the subjects pockets for change. They were compensated fairly with an additional portion to enjoy a nice lunch.

Pleasantville is known as that town which you hear in an occasional conversation and say to yourself "I know a person, who knows a person, who knows a person, who might have been there." Residing on the north eastern corner of the county, former commissioners have tried to convince crawford to extend their borders to take it from us. Crawfords commissioners once visited for ten minutes to assess what we were trying to sell them. They haven't picked up the phone since. With a population of about what you would expect, the towns folk often drive to the nearby City of Titusville to feel no better about their living situation. The towns folk work very hard with the nothing they have to work with and have successfully done nothing because they have nothing to work with. With nothing interesting to note about their existence, here is a list of nothing interesting to note about Pleasantville's existence. Geographic Isolation Pleasantville is the only town in Venango County requiring a passport. This is because you have to leave the county and then re-enter to find it. Some have said that reaching Pleasantville from anywhere else in Venango is like trying to visit your neighbor by climbing through someone else’s yard. Metaphorical Detour Pleasantville is so pleasant, even the roads avoid it. In fact, even Main Street is located in the neighboring county. Blame the Mapmakers When deciding where to draw the borders of each county, the map makers weren't sure which area to place this burden upon. One map maker reportedly said "meh" before placing them in their own isolated corner. Zoned Out To help justify tourism, officials explain that the route is part of a new fitness initiative—“Make residents walk further to appreciate Pleasantville more.” Once there, a registrar keeps track of who can escape the fastest. Proposal to Bridge the Divide There is no way to reach Pleasantville without first enering Crawford or Forest County. Venango commissioners have proposed building a bridge over land just so they can say they tried connecting it to us. Town Motto The town motto has evolved over the years to the famous "please stay." They especially use this phrase when associating with delivery drivers. Emergency Protocol In case of emergency; pack up, leave no trace, and deny it ever existed. Historical Significance Might have been interesting at one point. Experts highly doubt this. Evidence of happy days probably died with the happy days. Post Card Campaign Pleasantville ocassionaly sends out postcards to promote thier town. With nothing interesting to photograph, they just send out blank images with the line "imagine what we could be!"

The Venango Republic prides itself on avoiding controversial humor that could deter our audience and make our sponsors uncomfortable. We are so mindful in fact, we have never once crossed the lines of race, gender, politics, religion, sexual orientation, or homschool boundaries. We never lie and always follow the guidelines of professional delivery. Just like political news outlets such as CNN and FOX, you can always trust us to tell the truth and to avoid bias that isolates a specific group. To demonstrate how serious we take this matter, here is a list of offensive jokes we will never tell on this platform. Mom and Dad Change Roles Could you imagine if we told a joke like this? We might offend women with hirsutism (the inability to not grow facial hair)! Not to mention, all the men with chapped lips! Politics What a horrible joke! To even suggest that politicians fake empathy for votes! That's like saying Republicans only talk about faith when there's a camera crew at a donor dinner. We all know politicians care deeply about us. Just like in mating season—those instincts only kick in right before elections. Race How dare you laugh at the fact that Hispanic sounds like Her panic! I mean, technically this joke does nothing to belittle hispanics in any way.... But still! Lets pretend it's offensive since it is citing the fact that Hispanic sounds like her panic! South Park has worse jokes. But I'm offended that this meme cites the facts that hispanics sounds like her panic! This joke is so bad, we aren't going to do another joke that mentions race! Race This is getting out of hand. You are laughing at the fact that the inapropriate synonym for rooster combined with the word Asian rhymes with Caucasian. We understand this joke does not belittle Asians in any way. However, the fact that you are mentioning that they exist makes this incredibly innapropriate! Don't get offended for the rooster or white guy though. It's ok that you used their titles to make a pun. However, this is taking things way too far and we mean it when we say we are done talking about race! Race Stop! It's not funny to talk about how tea pee sounds like teepee. Plus, how dare you associate Native American people with this structure! It's not like they were known to live in these at any point in history. What is wrong with you?!?! I don't care if this joke doesn't belittle Native American people. Just mentioning them makes it offensive! Gender Ok, we can cut this one some slack. Obviously the person who made this was not making a joke. The womans job title is dishwasher and she is obviously breaking down in tears. This is not offensive because they are not joking. They are just describing what is happening in the moment. Religion Of course this is offensive. Those televangelists are pricks. Send us your money instead! Low Class We agree with this meme. We don't want to offend them with the concept. Plus, it would be incredibly embarassing for them in the likely scenario that they fail to understand what this kind of joke is. Conclusion We will never cross this boundary in any of our articles. In fact, we are so against this, it was entirely necessary to come out with an article specifying the jokes we will never offend people with. We understand that Southpark, Family Guy, and Jimmy Carr have earned the right to offend people because they are rich. This means that if they tell the jokes we mentioned, they are no longer offensive because of who is telling them. Because we are local to this community, these jokes are in bad taste when we specifically tell them. We would much rather choose humor that is predictable and boring than put forth a genuine effort in trying to entertain people. With this in mind, we satiracly promise to never hurt your feelings by citing how Asians, Hispanics, and Native Americans exist. We don't want to put white people above other races, so we promise to exclude every race except white people when we are making a joke. We also promise to exclude jokes that expose how ridiculous female stereotypes are. It is obviously much better to let those stereotypes exist than to mock them. Women deserve to be treated as inferiors. Why in the world would we want to make fun of the idea that they are? Finally, we promise never to make a joke referencing the LGBTQ and the other letters they added to overcomplicate the matter. Frankly, we agree that there are just too many to give attention to and we would rather just keep the matter straight.

The Venango Republic is seeking satiracle legal action against a man who keeps taking credit for our journalism. According to sources, a man with an ugly looking mullet took to the What's Happening in Clarion County page late Monday evening stating that he is the one writing our articles. This is the same man who we have been placing disclaimers on since April. The man in the video uses two different names to identify himself leaving us to believe he has an identity complex. We appreciate him sharing our articles as he is really our only fan. However, the misinformation needs to stop! He is not the one who writes these pieces! Blobbert Blobfish, founder and CEO of the Venango Republic says that he will be pursuing a satiracle lawsuit if the man does not stop. We have already talked to a group of fictional attorneys who say this man is sure to be forced to hand over millions of satiracle dollars if he does not quit this charade. Blobbert Blobfish sits with AI generated attorney We want to make it clear to everyone; Our entire staff is fictional! Nobody existing writes these articles! Anyone who knows this man personally is encouraged to contact us by fictional phone immediately.

Closed since April 8th of 2024, the Clarion County Courthouse has sat as a public example of what happens when you hand a project to someone who ghosts you like a poorly planned Tinder date. A three million dollar project with already two million spent and less than ten percent of the work done. Much like a procrastinating college student whose 10 page essay is due in an hour and he's still picking the font. In this case, HVAC doesn't have an AI system for the contractors to say "do the work for me." This excuse better be good..... According to Explore Clarion, the project requires bathroom and electrical upgrades. I guess it makes sense why court proceedings had to be relocated to a metal container in Shippenville. People can't be expected to relieve themselves unless the temperature is just right. This does raise a very important qustion however; What the heck were you people doing in this building that an entire 3 and a half stories of office space had to move? We are not electricians, but couldn't the electricity be solved at the box all the wires run to? Did 90 percent of the wires suddenly short out forcing you guys to tear out all the drywall? Was the elctric so bad that the plumbing had to be torn up in the bathroom for major modification? The satiracle staff members at the Venango Republic tried to get the inside scoop. Unfortunately, the staff was unable to get any information because they are not real. As for the guy who really writes these articles, his press pass is not recognized by the city council. We were not able to get inside access into the courthouse. This forces us to give an AI representation of what is really going on behind the scenes. According to a photo generated by Chat GPT, this is what the bathrooms may look like if our speculations of a worse case scenario are true.... So much digging and still no HVAC in sight. No wonder it's taking months! To make matters worse, we are learning that Deets Mechanical had a reputation for helping the courthouse but has now broken that trust. According to Explore Clarion, Deets was given the job throuh a no bid purchasing program called COSTARS...... What is this a sitcom?!?!?! "Tune in this week as the Clarion County Courthouse has a falling out with their long lasting lover. COSTARing Deets Drama!" Aparently the relationship with Deets goes back many years. When you conider the reputation between the two, it's understandable why the Courthouse would bypass a biding process and hand the job to Deets. According to Explore Clarion , the courthouse "used COSTARS because Deets Mechanical had a long history with the courthouse and had previously helped the county through plumbing and heating emergencies." "They were there for us in the worst of times. When we were cold and needed warmth, they were there to comfort our building with bathroom and electric upgrades. The divorce is oh so sudden and pierces us deeply within. Deets, how could you be so unfaithful after all we had been through together?" County Courthouse grieves its breakup... So what remains of the circumstance? Obviously, the courthouse needs to start dating someone else. You can't dwell in the past Clarion Courthouse! Your lover is gone! Time to find someone new! Reports say that all of this could be fixed in less than a "two month" period. Mind you, this was a statement publicized in April. I'm no mathematician, but I feel like that was more than two months ago...... The process is being drawn out because the system is slow—painfully slow. And while it doesn’t have to be, it often feels like too many people are involved in what should be a simple exchange: one guy saying “you’re hired.” Yes, I get it. Things aren't that simple. Contractors can ghost a project like Deets did, which is why you need someone with the authority to follow up “you’re hired” with “you’re fired” when the job stalls. That way, the process keeps moving without three meetings and a subcommittee just to choose a plumber. At this point, the lines at the DMV have a faster processing rate than what we are seeing in Clarion. The courthouse is decked out with fencing decor and "Do Not Enter" signs to give it the kind of appeal you want in a college town. Much like St. Stephens church in Oil City, the majestic design is being marred by the fencing used to keep people from getting too close. The only diffence is that, unlike St Stephens, you aren't at risk of a brick hitting your head when you go past the fence. Instead, you'll probably just get hit with a fine and jail time. Barriers to protect old buildings we aren't repairing

A local man has struck it rich with the discovery of a 20 dollar bill. According to sources, Harry Finepayer, a local law breaker who racks up monetary penalties on a regular basis, discovered the denomination while leaving a local Giant Eagle just outside of Franklin. "I am incredibly shocked by the discovery" says Mr. Finepayer "I just posted bail after loading the hay on the wagon at the farm. I'm sure there's a pun that could be made in that statement regarding the bail of hay and bail in prison. But we'll let the reader decide what to do with it. I'm just glad I found the money at Giant Eagle!" Mr. Finepayer was just about to face fines for not paying fines that went unpaid. The new fines would have surely led to more fines if they went unpaid. Mr. Finepayer is glad he found the bill to help reduce his dues. "I have been extremely worried that people will label me as someone who pays fines" says Mr. Finepayer "I don't want to be known as the guy who has to pay fines. My identity should not be revolved around that." Mr. Finepayer is now the areas richest man. However, after paying his fines, he will still owe another thousand. Mr. Finepayer is relieved to make this kind of progress on his penalties. He is the first man to discover a bill since someone found a single dollar in Oil City two years ago. "I know this money has to go towards my fines" states Finepayer "but it is nice to know what it is like to be a highclass citizen even if it is just for a day."

There are two Facebook pages centered on what's wappening in Clarion County. The page with a larger following is run by Explore Clarion and is recognizable by the orange banner. This article is not about them. We love this page because, although they understandably reject some of our articles, they approve many of them. We will also mention that we love their post approval process because it is more convenient than posting things and getting banned for publicizing something that falls into the gray area of "should this be posted or not." Why do you approve our article's? Have you seen our site? The page our headline cites is a Clarion themed page run by an anonymous source. Unlike the one run by Explore Clarion, they have a smaller following and are recognized by the green banner. This page uses the same filtering process and has been harder to get our articles approved through. We are guessing it's because the person running this page may not have any humor in their life. Something tells me you stole the other pages name. We don't complain just because a Facebook page rejects our articles. If you feel our content is not right for the platform, it is the admins right to disapprove. However, if we catch wind as to why an article was rejected, and that reason proves the admin did not read our piece, we are happy to call the page out. Especially, when they are approving other posts for the reason they claimed to reject us. According to Mr. Facebook Notification, the less popular Clarion themed page rejected our article claiming that we were advertising a news source they disapprove of. Admin telling inaccurate news source not to promote "inaccurate news source" Really? You thought we were advertising for Explore Clarion with this article? Did you not read the end where we scribled out the followers of all local news sources so we could claim to be number one? Our bad! I guess we just should pretend news sources you don't like are non-existant. This obviously changes how many people subscribe to Explore Clarion. Dang it! If we just neglected to mention Explore Clarion's existence, they wouldn't have 49 thousand subscribers anymore! We are so sorry for stating facts. We made it pretty clear in that article that we do not recieve any sponsorship from existing businesses. All of our sponsors are fictional so that we can make a higher profit on satiracle funds. Have you seen our site? Do you honestly think Explore Clarion would want to advertise with someone who claims to be sponsored by Razor Wire Tampons? Ad All this to say, people are going to choose what news outlet they like and which ones they hate. We don't care. We make fun of every one of them when the time is right. As for this Clarion themes page, they became the next target because they felt the need to give an explanation rather than simply removing our post without our knowlege. You should have just left us uninformed Mr. Admin. Now you have become the subject of our latest piece.

Uggly Duckling, a local entrepeneur known for buying abandoned buildings and letting them sit vacant for 5 years, says he has a new vision for the Cranberry Mall. "The dim lights, abandoned storefronts, and eerily quiet food court makes this the perfect place to house dead possums" States Mr. Duckling. With the potholes in the parking lot already taken up by demonically posessed groundhogs, it makes sense to use the Mall as the alternative home for the roadkill. Not only do they have a dark enviroment to feel comfortable wondering around in. There is also extra water dripping from the ceiling when it rains. They should never have to go thirsty again! Duckling is trying to get approval from the city to repurpose the building which already seems to be beyond hope. According to Duckling, if he can successfully repurpose the building in this way, he will have wasted another chunk of money on a useless concept. Reconstruction is set to start never. People who believe this article is real are gullible and need to get out of the house to meet people. Social skill classes will be held at the Cranberry Mall at the same time the dead possums are put into the building.

Mayor Blunders executive order to deport all undocumented Chihuahua's from the county has raised tensions among residents. The industrial city of Pleasantville, which is the closest Venango will ever get to an LA, is seeing massive protests consisting of several elderly women unwilling to part with their dogs. According to sources, the riots are out of control with some reports saying that a grandmother set a car on fire. We should specify that it was an accident. She slipped on the towns low self esteem and caused the car to crash into an already burning statue of the towns approval rating. Mayor Blunders of Oil City says that the matter is getting out of hand. With volunteers for Glacier (Venango's attempt at ICE) getting hit with purses left and right, Blunders says that he will be sending in the County Guard (Venango's attempt at the National Guard) to settle the matter. Unfortunately, Mayor Blunders does not have the funds to send in the County Guard because he wasted that money trying to form Glacier. There also are no troops left in the County Guard because he transfered all of them to Galcier to deport the undocumented chihuahua's. It has now been 24 hours since the riots broke out in Pleasantville. The grandmothers are raising their voices for their pets. Any attempt on the Mayors part to gag them will eventually result in them breaking silence. That is, unless they first break a hip.

The Venango Clarion region consists of 5 sources to inform the community on public affairs. Each resource sets itself apart with different methods of delivery to their consumers. The Derrick News-Harold for instance, still delivers a news paper to the homes of their subscribers. For those of you born after 2007, a news paper is a physical object with news written on it. They also have a website that requires a paid subscription because aparently they don't make enough off their physical papers to keep their website running. To think, for a paid subscription I can be informed on events that are probably posted to Facebook for free! Explore Clarion and Explore Venango are online platforms delivering news for free with the help of sponsorship. We would make a joke at their expense, but we want Explore Clarion to approve this article on the What's Happening in Clarion County page, so...... I guess you win this round....... The Venango Republic also depends on its own sponsorship delivering news free of charge to their subscribers. The difference being, while Explore Clarion/Venango informs people on real issues, we inform our viewers on both what is happening and what is not actually happening in the region. You could say we specialize in making stuff up. The Venango Republic also sets itself apart in that our entire staff is fictional. This helps keep the cost of labor low while also helping to make what we do a meme. As for the sponsors, they don't exist either. This way we can make much more revenue on fictional dollars rather than struggling to make real money. This leaves one final news source that honestly, does not even come close in the competition. Not Explore Clarion , an amature source run by some guy who lacks the funds for his own fictional staff, posts articles once every winter solstice. The guy writing these articles also informs people on stuff not happening in Clarion. Unfortunately, he is so inconsistent, we are starting to wonder if he still exists. We wish he would come back so we could troll eachother. The Venango Republic has worked hard gathering statistical data to determine which news source has the greatest following. Unfortunately, we have so few inside connections, we have to weigh it by the likes on each Facebook page. According to Facebook.com , Explore Clarion blows every major news source out of the water with a following of 49 thousand people. The only news source not to make this list is Not Explore Clarion. This is arguably because they don't have a Facebook, and because we don't like them. Come on Not Explore Clarion! Take a shot at us! We want a rival to stomp on! One could easily look at this chart and assume the Venango Republic falls below every other major news source in the region. However, this is only one category. Let's not forget that the Venango Republic specializes in news about things that don't exist. This includes a massive audience that also does not exist. This warrants a second category. According to statistical data, which we made up, the Venango Republic has an audience of 50 billion people who do not exist! This exceeds Explore Clarion, Explore Venango, and the Derrick, all of which fail to have any audience that doesn't exist. In fact, each of their followers are real making them inferior in this category. The only one to come close is Not Explore Clarion, who not only has no existing audience, but also has a Facebook page that doesn't exist. Unfabricated results on non-existing followers. Not Explore Clarion, Not Making List..... It goes without saying that the Venango Republic once again has proven to be number one in a category that the real news sources cannot seem to beat. Interestingly, our fake followers also exceed the real followers for every news outlet. This makes us the number one source in the region!