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Oil City Claims Victory in Superbowl Despite Being Stranded in Ohio
The inconsistencies for each game in the 2026 season were “not the team’s fault,” according to Coach Numbskull. For this reason, he made it his goal to get the Oil Spills to the Superbowl at all costs. The team started a GoFundMe page but were quickly disappointed to learn that nobody contributed a cent. With the coffee can containing the city treasury still missing, and the residents unable to remember what currency looks like, the Oil Spills had no choice but to pick a dire
Breaking: East Crawford Sabotages Seneca Street Bridge With Snowballs
With nothing to defend the city of Oil City, the East Crawford military conducted an operation in sabotaging the Seneca Street Bridge on the north side of town. The attack was a success, as five snowballs left the bridge inoperable and too dangerous to drive across, as the frozen substance made the surface slippery. The attack took place at 12:13 today, with the snowball bombshells dropping on the bridge with excessive force. Citizens living nearby the bridge heard the ruckus
Breaking: East Crawford Troops Sneak by Venango County Defenses
Venango County is under attack, with nothing standing between East Crawford troops and the capital of Oil City. Mayor Blunders is requesting aid from surrounding counties after East Crawford troops easily surpassed the Venango County border defenses, who apparently were asleep during the invasion. Witnesses say that at about 7:30 this morning, East Crawford military men could be seen tiptoeing across the border prior to stealing the roller skates that Venango County’s militar
General News
Breaking: East Crawford Sabotages Seneca Street Bridge With Snowballs
With nothing to defend the city of Oil City, the East Crawford military conducted an operation in sabotaging the Seneca Street Bridge on the north side of town. The attack was a success, as five snowballs left the bridge inoperable and too dangerous to drive across, as the frozen substance made the surface slippery. The attack took place at 12:13 today, with the snowball bombshells dropping on the bridge with excessive force. Citizens living nearby the bridge heard the ruckus
Breaking: East Crawford Troops Sneak by Venango County Defenses
Venango County is under attack, with nothing standing between East Crawford troops and the capital of Oil City. Mayor Blunders is requesting aid from surrounding counties after East Crawford troops easily surpassed the Venango County border defenses, who apparently were asleep during the invasion. Witnesses say that at about 7:30 this morning, East Crawford military men could be seen tiptoeing across the border prior to stealing the roller skates that Venango County’s militar
Man performs his own Super Bowl halftime show in downtown Oil City
An Oil City man stood in a Center Street square last night to perform his own Super Bowl halftime show to rival Bad Bunny's performance. According to sources, Mr. Jethro Bodine grabbed his guitar after seeing what he considered a horrific, unwholesome performance during the NFL final competition. "I just knew in that moment that I had to give America an alternative option to the Super Bowl halftime show," states Mr. BoDean. "That's when I grabbed my guitar and ran down to Cit
Politics
Breaking: East Crawford Sabotages Seneca Street Bridge With Snowballs
With nothing to defend the city of Oil City, the East Crawford military conducted an operation in sabotaging the Seneca Street Bridge on the north side of town. The attack was a success, as five snowballs left the bridge inoperable and too dangerous to drive across, as the frozen substance made the surface slippery. The attack took place at 12:13 today, with the snowball bombshells dropping on the bridge with excessive force. Citizens living nearby the bridge heard the ruckus
Breaking: East Crawford Troops Sneak by Venango County Defenses
Venango County is under attack, with nothing standing between East Crawford troops and the capital of Oil City. Mayor Blunders is requesting aid from surrounding counties after East Crawford troops easily surpassed the Venango County border defenses, who apparently were asleep during the invasion. Witnesses say that at about 7:30 this morning, East Crawford military men could be seen tiptoeing across the border prior to stealing the roller skates that Venango County’s militar
Mayor Intellect of Clarion Offers Large Supply of Textbooks to Support Venango in War With East Crawford
Venango County has received further support from another ally, as the mayor of Clarion Township signed a bill to send 2,000 textbooks from Clarion University to help aid in the war with East Crawford. According to sources, Mayor Intellect of Clarion learned of the recent invasion when one troop stepped across the border of Venango, claiming a square foot of land. It took two days of negotiating with Congress in Clarion County, but Mayor Intellect was able to push through an o
Opinion
Some People See Terror Where Others See Panic: Where's the Gray Area?
We here at the Venango Republic stand by our word when we say that our goal is to tick everyone off. Due to a series of articles that consistently point out the hypocrisies of one side, we feel that it is time we point out the hypocrisies of another side of an issue. This time, we go after the conservatives who wildly exaggerate the motives of a woman who just wanted to drive off, thinking that the agent would jump out of the way. Granted, we acknowledge that the agent did no
ExploreClarion Mourns Limitations On Public Shame
We’ve all been caught up in conversations surrounding individuals featured on ExploreClarion’s website. This may involve someone landing themselves in jail, angering the community with a dumb statement, or accidentally causing a fender bender. Yes, this has happened on ExploreClarion’s website.... In a region like Clarion County, where a smaller population causes one’s poor decisions to stick with them forever, being featured on ExploreClarion’s website does a beautiful job o
Local Officials Insist "People Are Coming Back" Despite Population Decreasing
In the wake of a COVID pandemic back in December of 2020, a Venango County commissioner stood in the center of Oil City during the Light...
Sports
Oil City Claims Victory in Superbowl Despite Being Stranded in Ohio
The inconsistencies for each game in the 2026 season were “not the team’s fault,” according to Coach Numbskull. For this reason, he made it his goal to get the Oil Spills to the Superbowl at all costs. The team started a GoFundMe page but were quickly disappointed to learn that nobody contributed a cent. With the coffee can containing the city treasury still missing, and the residents unable to remember what currency looks like, the Oil Spills had no choice but to pick a dire
Can the Winter Olympics Truly Compete with Franklin on Ice for Viewers?
Are you kidding?????????
How the Winter Olympics Hopes to Compete with Franklin on Ice
The world is waiting anxiously for the biggest annual event this side of isolation. With the 2026 Franklin On Ice event kicking off this Saturday, many are excited to watch chainsaws massacre chunks of frozen residue in an attempt to create majestic figures that probably won't last the weekend. What does this mean on an international level? Absolutely nothing! But we are still going to exaggerate, hoping it brings the boom days back! Experts fear once again that coverage of t
Entertainment
What You Missed at the 2026 Granny Awards
The 2026 Shippenville Granny Awards featured some of the towns most prominant figures. With local celbrities numbering by the one's, attendees stood in awe as their favorite role models made a rare public appearance. Many of these figures are only ever seen twice a week at church events making this festivity a once in a yeartime experience. Here is what you missed at the 2026 Granny Awards in Shippenville. Fashion Designs Fashion designs dazzled the crowd of 20 participants w
Center Street Bridge Finally Draws Tourist
The Center Street Bridge in Oil City has been the center of controversy for several years now. Ever since the Main Street Program had the less than bright idea to install 88 thousand dollar lights on the bridge, no house on the north side can turn on their electricity after 7 PM. Consequently, the tourists it was supposed to draw still don't know they exist.... Until now! According to sources, someone found out about the bridge lights thanks to The Venango Republic trolling t
Dick Van Dyke to Return for Reboot of His Show
The miraculously healthy Dick Van Dyke is set to reprise his role as Robert Petri in the upcoming reboot of The Dick Van Dyke Show. According to sources, Dick Van Dyke will once again be playing a modernized version of his younger self alongside his wife, Mrs. Petri, and his son, Richie. With every other member of the original cast already passed away, producers are now looking for replacements to work alongside Dick Van Dyke as he prepares for his next role. “It is very exhi
Science
Locals Shocked to Discover Potholes are Filled
What PennDOT has struggled to fix for the last three decades, the weather has resolved in a single day. Officials have announced for the first time that every pothole in the county is completely filled in by a white frozen substance that fell from the sky. According to sources, the substance is light, freezing, and solid when compacted thoroughly. Whether the fix is permanent depends on if the northern hemisphere can remain tilted away from the Sun. According to experts, this
Study Finds Acting Dumb Doesn’t Change When We’re Being Unreasonable
A recent study finds that pretending to be stupid doesn’t determine when we are being difficult. Researchers at Common Sense University conducted a test and were astonished to learn that fake ignorance is an illegitimate expression. The study consisted of several control groups with individuals known to be dogmatic pricks. When confronted with real-life circumstances where they were absolutely wrong, each subject completely denied reality, acting like denial somehow fixed the
Study Finds Cats Don’t Love Their Owners, They Just Want Food
A recent study found that cats really don't love their owners but are simply kissing up to get food. According to research conducted by professors at Venango Campus, being trapped inside a house prevents cats from hunting on their own, forcing them to become unnaturally affectionate to win the respect of their owners. A controlled group was locked in separate rooms to perform varying simulations. The first group consisted of 5 single homeowners with lifelong bonds with their
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