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Allegheny Military Abandons West Pittsburg; Township Too Big to Drag Home

Mayor Steelhead's campaign to steal West Pittsburg from Lawrence County ended in a withdrawal from the region. This came after Allegheny troops noted the impossible task of moving an entire town, along with its infrastructure, back to a separate region. The technicality was first realized after the Knights of New Castle found their firework weapons useless against the steel skeletal structures of Allegheny soldiers, whose faces are literally steel beams. The Allegheny militar

Pennsylvania Hero Defeats Flock Camera in Epic Showdown

He has chosen to remain anonymous. Nonetheless, the video he posted of himself going head to head with a Flock camera proves that the might of one individual can overcome the adversity of technological tyranny. A man, who we will refer to as Actual Intelligence, had the genius idea to fight fire with fire. On a Friday morning, he thought to himself, “If a Flock cameras' primary form of oppression is filming people, why not film them in return?” Though short on time, he got in

Study Finds Roofs Protect Households From Downpours

Researchers from the University of Venango have discovered the benefit of having a roof over one's house as it relates to preventing rain from pouring in. A case study consisting of more than 20 structures found that those with shingles covering a wooden overhang helped reduce the likelihood of flooding within the home by 100%. This, of course, applies specifically to roofs that have been perfectly sealed. The houses with no roof whatsoever seemed to have the highest suscepti

General News

Allegheny Military Abandons West Pittsburg; Township Too Big to Drag Home

Mayor Steelhead's campaign to steal West Pittsburg from Lawrence County ended in a withdrawal from the region. This came after Allegheny troops noted the impossible task of moving an entire town, along with its infrastructure, back to a separate region. The technicality was first realized after the Knights of New Castle found their firework weapons useless against the steel skeletal structures of Allegheny soldiers, whose faces are literally steel beams. The Allegheny militar

Pennsylvania Hero Defeats Flock Camera in Epic Showdown

He has chosen to remain anonymous. Nonetheless, the video he posted of himself going head to head with a Flock camera proves that the might of one individual can overcome the adversity of technological tyranny. A man, who we will refer to as Actual Intelligence, had the genius idea to fight fire with fire. On a Friday morning, he thought to himself, “If a Flock cameras' primary form of oppression is filming people, why not film them in return?” Though short on time, he got in

Study Finds Roofs Protect Households From Downpours

Researchers from the University of Venango have discovered the benefit of having a roof over one's house as it relates to preventing rain from pouring in. A case study consisting of more than 20 structures found that those with shingles covering a wooden overhang helped reduce the likelihood of flooding within the home by 100%. This, of course, applies specifically to roofs that have been perfectly sealed. The houses with no roof whatsoever seemed to have the highest suscepti

Politics

Allegheny Military Abandons West Pittsburg; Township Too Big to Drag Home

Mayor Steelhead's campaign to steal West Pittsburg from Lawrence County ended in a withdrawal from the region. This came after Allegheny troops noted the impossible task of moving an entire town, along with its infrastructure, back to a separate region. The technicality was first realized after the Knights of New Castle found their firework weapons useless against the steel skeletal structures of Allegheny soldiers, whose faces are literally steel beams. The Allegheny militar

Oil City Pumps Sewage to Warren

Mayor Blunders of Oil City has learned through informants of Warren's decision to reroute the Lockrock Pipeline to their local sewage. This came after Warren warned Blunders to stop siphoning their oil through the 50 miles of straws Blunders ordered to be constructed. The Lockrock Pipeline was intended to resurrect the oil industry through a genius initiative gone wrong. Although Blunders was able to successfully purchase enough straws to reach Warren, he did not have the fun

Washington Military Reaches Objective, Battle of West Pittsburg Begins

It is the first war in history that has not resulted in a single casualty. Three counties are currently facing a noncombative stalemate due to the impenetrable nature of various soldiers, as well as the fear of other more vulnerable soldiers getting hurt in the conflict. Washington County has successfully reached their objective of Mount Washington in Pittsburgh. After months of demands for Allegheny to surrender the natural monument, Mayor George Washington of Washington Tow

Opinion

Seven New Ventures Coming to Oil City

A new chapter is about to begin in the story of Oil City's revival. Not one birthed from cliche visions observed in prior civilizations. But one with variety and an appeal to popular demand. Where lights illuminating from the ugliest bridge have drawn some as far as the Main Street Program, and an overpriced fountain as many as can afford a dime for a wish, more projects are in the making that will ensure security for the future of what has become the pride of everyone preten

Locals Think Meghans Law Has One Kind of Person

Trust and goodness are not the same thing. But for some reason, when you propose the idea of doing good to someone who least deserves it, the words traveling to a listener's ear magically evolve to form the phrase "be dumb and risk having them around your child." I don't know why people hear more words than what are initially stated. It's like we anticipate additional meaning to what is actually implied and feel emboldened to crush potential arguments before they are presente

Top 10 Things to Do in Crawford County

The sudden fall to the Zugnar Alliance has many disappointed that Erie will no longer be known as an independent county. With fears about Elk County continuing their campaign to rule over all of Western Pennsylvania, many are wondering when County War 1 will finally be over. We here at the Venango Republic prefer to look at the bright side of things. For one, Elk County's decision to entrust East Crawford with rulership over Erie means that Crawford now has more to offer than

Sports

KFC CEO Defends Blunders Freedom 8 Piece Chicken Fight Event

The press has brought a lot of scrutiny to Mayor Blunders over his involvement in erecting a chicken coup octagon on the Outhouse front lawn. His greatest criticism is using county land to host a ruthless contest between flightless birds. Now, the CEO of the Kentucky Fighting Chickens is stepping in to the defense of Blunders. Blunders and Whitemeat dedicate chicken octagon to Venango States Anniversary "KFC is the safest pro fighting sport for animals trying to kill each oth

City Fails to Balance the Budget After Parking Meter Malfunction

A parking meter malfunction has drastically impacted Venango County and its capital of Oil City, with a temporary police order preventing people from using the space. According to sources, the meter, located just outside of the Venango County Museum on Seneca Street, has disappeared completely, with what experts are saying is an intentional removal for maintenance. The sign became visible to the public at about 3 p.m. Thursday afternoon. Shortly thereafter, the Oil City stock

How Having a Hay-Bale Tossing Champion Might Advantage the Steelers

A report by the Beaver County Times states that the Steelers’ third-round draft pick is apparently a two-year hay-bale tossing champion. Gennings Dunker, who looks like he was birthed 50 years ago and came here in a time portal, competed in hay-bale tossing competitions for two consecutive years while attending the University of Iowa. We would tell you more, but the article requires a subscription after two paragraphs. We aren’t willing to pay. What we are willing to do is di

Entertainment

Exclusive Interview With the Beefcake Who Saved the Voodoo Bar and Grill: “My Life Is Changed Forever”

A humble Erie resident has gained citywide fame after a mishap that took place last Saturday. A man who from now on will forever be known as Beefcake prevented a disastrous situation when he pulled an intoxicated man away from the stage at the Voodoo Bar and Grill on State Street. Overnight, the man became an Erie legend due to his muscular upper torso and fearless, heroic demeanor. After our article hit the internet, the man who we refer to as Beefcake texted our CEO to say

Entrepreneur Threatens Oliver's Beer Garden With Competing Line of Beverages

Erie's most famous outdoor happy hour experience is now facing the risk of losing a chunk of their demographic. According to reports by the Erie Eardrum, an entrepreneur is planning to open up an outdoor catering experience with a unique twist Oliver's has not adopted. The woman responsible for opening the monstrosity is one Karen Suckit, of 865 Prick Street. Karen states that she has wanted to offer an experience to Erie that would give Oliver's a run for its money. Now, sev

Voodoo Concert Disrupted by Drunk Guy

The city of Erie faced the dilemma of two village idiots running rampant in the town during Saturday's Celebrate Erie festivities. An unidentified man, who we will refer to as Natural Intoxication, rushed the stage during a performance at the Voodoo Bar and Grill. The Venango Republic has already covered the story pertaining to the first idiot in our last article. It was our creator who managed to lose his car. In this instance, the second idiot posed greater dangers to the p

Science

Study Finds Roofs Protect Households From Downpours

Researchers from the University of Venango have discovered the benefit of having a roof over one's house as it relates to preventing rain from pouring in. A case study consisting of more than 20 structures found that those with shingles covering a wooden overhang helped reduce the likelihood of flooding within the home by 100%. This, of course, applies specifically to roofs that have been perfectly sealed. The houses with no roof whatsoever seemed to have the highest suscepti

Local Protestant Says He Was Just Trying to Put His "93 Theses" On the Steeple

An Oil City resident is under fire after admitting his involvement in the destruction of the northern steeple of St. Stephens Church. According to unreliable sources, the man responsible was attempting to hang a banner with 93 theses on it before causing the top portion to implode. His excavator has been confiscated along with monk status. "I just had a bunch of ideas to share." States the man who has been identified as Marty McLuthy. "I wasn't trying to destroy the steeple.

East Crawford Achieves 30 Foot Altitude in Recent Space Launch

The Titusville Aeronautics and Space Administration (TASA) has stretched the limits of space travel beyond what was originally thought possible for Western Pensylvania. A recent press release leaked via the Crawford Carnage reveals another rocket, constructed in Titusville, has achieved new altitudes never before seen by those lacking in inteligence. Mayor Dumbdumb tests 15th rocket this year Details are limited, with East Crawford reporters only braging about the altitude, b

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