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City of Erie Refuses to Rename Presque Isle to "E.T. Phone Home"

Extraterestrial Beings are furious at the City of Erie after it was announced this morning that they will not rename Presque Isle to honor the legendary E.T. According to information from the Erie E. Coli, several bids to change the name were dismissed without any consideration of how close it resembles the hand of the former Erie native. An image can be seen below to help guide readers who suck at this kind of thing... Presque Isle without labels on left. With labels on righ

KFC CEO Defends Blunders Freedom 8 Piece Chicken Fight Event

The press has brought a lot of scrutiny to Mayor Blunders over his involvement in erecting a chicken coup octagon on the Outhouse front lawn. His greatest criticism is using county land to host a ruthless contest between flightless birds. Now, the CEO of the Kentucky Fighting Chickens is stepping in to the defense of Blunders. Blunders and Whitemeat dedicate chicken octagon to Venango States Anniversary "KFC is the safest pro fighting sport for animals trying to kill each oth

Conflict at the Jefferson Border: Battle of Meadville Ends in Stalemate

County War 1 is now observing military engagements across the northwestern Pensylvania region. With soldiers from the Pensylvania Land and Treaty Organization now split on both ends of Route 322, the Allies have two fronts by which they are engaging the enemy. After taking the City of Clarion back from the Elk Empire, Jefferson troops are still tasked with having to repaint the border between Jefferson and Clarion County. Standing in their way are more than 23 Elk soldiers ar

General News

City of Erie Refuses to Rename Presque Isle to "E.T. Phone Home"

Extraterestrial Beings are furious at the City of Erie after it was announced this morning that they will not rename Presque Isle to honor the legendary E.T. According to information from the Erie E. Coli, several bids to change the name were dismissed without any consideration of how close it resembles the hand of the former Erie native. An image can be seen below to help guide readers who suck at this kind of thing... Presque Isle without labels on left. With labels on righ

KFC CEO Defends Blunders Freedom 8 Piece Chicken Fight Event

The press has brought a lot of scrutiny to Mayor Blunders over his involvement in erecting a chicken coup octagon on the Outhouse front lawn. His greatest criticism is using county land to host a ruthless contest between flightless birds. Now, the CEO of the Kentucky Fighting Chickens is stepping in to the defense of Blunders. Blunders and Whitemeat dedicate chicken octagon to Venango States Anniversary "KFC is the safest pro fighting sport for animals trying to kill each oth

Conflict at the Jefferson Border: Battle of Meadville Ends in Stalemate

County War 1 is now observing military engagements across the northwestern Pensylvania region. With soldiers from the Pensylvania Land and Treaty Organization now split on both ends of Route 322, the Allies have two fronts by which they are engaging the enemy. After taking the City of Clarion back from the Elk Empire, Jefferson troops are still tasked with having to repaint the border between Jefferson and Clarion County. Standing in their way are more than 23 Elk soldiers ar

Politics

KFC CEO Defends Blunders Freedom 8 Piece Chicken Fight Event

The press has brought a lot of scrutiny to Mayor Blunders over his involvement in erecting a chicken coup octagon on the Outhouse front lawn. His greatest criticism is using county land to host a ruthless contest between flightless birds. Now, the CEO of the Kentucky Fighting Chickens is stepping in to the defense of Blunders. Blunders and Whitemeat dedicate chicken octagon to Venango States Anniversary "KFC is the safest pro fighting sport for animals trying to kill each oth

Conflict at the Jefferson Border: Battle of Meadville Ends in Stalemate

County War 1 is now observing military engagements across the northwestern Pensylvania region. With soldiers from the Pensylvania Land and Treaty Organization now split on both ends of Route 322, the Allies have two fronts by which they are engaging the enemy. After taking the City of Clarion back from the Elk Empire, Jefferson troops are still tasked with having to repaint the border between Jefferson and Clarion County. Standing in their way are more than 23 Elk soldiers ar

Allies Press Into Crawfordiot Union Lines: Meadville Within Reach

The Venango County Military alongside Mercer soldiers are marching closer to the City of Meadville where Mayor Dogfood has been taken hostage. Accompanying them are the two German shepherd soldiers armed with Meow Mix who were originally sent by West Crawford for Venango's defense. It has been several days since the armies were sent to recapture West Crawford from the enemies of Mercer, Elk, and East Crawford. Despite the journey only requiring 9 hours on foot, the armies wer

Opinion

Seven New Ventures Coming to Oil City

A new chapter is about to begin in the story of Oil City's revival. Not one birthed from cliche visions observed in prior civilizations. But one with variety and an appeal to popular demand. Where lights illuminating from the ugliest bridge have drawn some as far as the Main Street Program, and an overpriced fountain as many as can afford a dime for a wish, more projects are in the making that will ensure security for the future of what has become the pride of everyone preten

Locals Think Meghans Law Has One Kind of Person

Trust and goodness are not the same thing. But for some reason, when you propose the idea of doing good to someone who least deserves it, the words traveling to a listener's ear magically evolve to form the phrase "be dumb and risk having them around your child." I don't know why people hear more words than what are initially stated. It's like we anticipate additional meaning to what is actually implied and feel emboldened to crush potential arguments before they are presente

Top 10 Things to Do in Crawford County

The sudden fall to the Zugnar Alliance has many disappointed that Erie will no longer be known as an independent county. With fears about Elk County continuing their campaign to rule over all of Western Pennsylvania, many are wondering when County War 1 will finally be over. We here at the Venango Republic prefer to look at the bright side of things. For one, Elk County's decision to entrust East Crawford with rulership over Erie means that Crawford now has more to offer than

Sports

KFC CEO Defends Blunders Freedom 8 Piece Chicken Fight Event

The press has brought a lot of scrutiny to Mayor Blunders over his involvement in erecting a chicken coup octagon on the Outhouse front lawn. His greatest criticism is using county land to host a ruthless contest between flightless birds. Now, the CEO of the Kentucky Fighting Chickens is stepping in to the defense of Blunders. Blunders and Whitemeat dedicate chicken octagon to Venango States Anniversary "KFC is the safest pro fighting sport for animals trying to kill each oth

City Fails to Balance the Budget After Parking Meter Malfunction

A parking meter malfunction has drastically impacted Venango County and its capital of Oil City, with a temporary police order preventing people from using the space. According to sources, the meter, located just outside of the Venango County Museum on Seneca Street, has disappeared completely, with what experts are saying is an intentional removal for maintenance. The sign became visible to the public at about 3 p.m. Thursday afternoon. Shortly thereafter, the Oil City stock

How Having a Hay-Bale Tossing Champion Might Advantage the Steelers

A report by the Beaver County Times states that the Steelers’ third-round draft pick is apparently a two-year hay-bale tossing champion. Gennings Dunker, who looks like he was birthed 50 years ago and came here in a time portal, competed in hay-bale tossing competitions for two consecutive years while attending the University of Iowa. We would tell you more, but the article requires a subscription after two paragraphs. We aren’t willing to pay. What we are willing to do is di

Entertainment

City of Erie Refuses to Rename Presque Isle to "E.T. Phone Home"

Extraterestrial Beings are furious at the City of Erie after it was announced this morning that they will not rename Presque Isle to honor the legendary E.T. According to information from the Erie E. Coli, several bids to change the name were dismissed without any consideration of how close it resembles the hand of the former Erie native. An image can be seen below to help guide readers who suck at this kind of thing... Presque Isle without labels on left. With labels on righ

KFC CEO Defends Blunders Freedom 8 Piece Chicken Fight Event

The press has brought a lot of scrutiny to Mayor Blunders over his involvement in erecting a chicken coup octagon on the Outhouse front lawn. His greatest criticism is using county land to host a ruthless contest between flightless birds. Now, the CEO of the Kentucky Fighting Chickens is stepping in to the defense of Blunders. Blunders and Whitemeat dedicate chicken octagon to Venango States Anniversary "KFC is the safest pro fighting sport for animals trying to kill each oth

Seven New Ventures Coming to Oil City

A new chapter is about to begin in the story of Oil City's revival. Not one birthed from cliche visions observed in prior civilizations. But one with variety and an appeal to popular demand. Where lights illuminating from the ugliest bridge have drawn some as far as the Main Street Program, and an overpriced fountain as many as can afford a dime for a wish, more projects are in the making that will ensure security for the future of what has become the pride of everyone preten

Science

Western Pennsylvania Sees First Case of Tooth Decay After Unexpected Dentist Retirement

The City of Franklin is observing its first, in what experts predict becoming a strain of oral disease. According to sources, the unexpected retirement of a 37-year veteran in dental work is already resulting in the outbreak of dental sickness, with one case reported so far. Oral decay is not uncommon to the Western Pennsylvania region, as many individuals are known to neglect their oral hygiene. What makes this particular case unique is that it may be contagious, with expert

Venango VASA Program Launches Mortimus II After Blunders Drops First Ship In the River

Oil City residents woke to the sound of a rocket being launched in the air. The scientist responsible for tossing it, VASA astronomer Kneel Legweak, propelled the miniature shuttle into the sky for Venango's second trip to the Moon. Unlike the last trip taken in December, reports say that this shuttle will not be landing, but instead will naturally turn back towards the Earth after making a full circle around the mass they hung in the tree above them. President Mayor Blunders

Study: Faking Stupidity Doesn't Change Reality

A recent study finds that pretending to be stupid does not change when somebody is wrong. According to research from the University of Common Sense, pretending not to understand objective reasoning does not make a person right when they are clearly incorrect. Researchers performed a controlled study by locking several dogmatic pricks in a room. The stubborn rigidity of each individual was put to the test when they were forced to face the reality of prior mistakes that impacte

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